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 Human Science Theater 3000: Part One For those reading through the archives, this Miscellaneous Update contains small spoilers for the main playthrough. Please read up to Episode 17: Firefist Blitzkreig to avoid having story elements ruined for you. For the rest of you interested in seeing the Warcraft movie...  SPOILERS : I know that things have been difficult lately- : We've lost Gaz. : Gary an' I pissed off an orc built like a drat juggernaut. :
: Well, King Gareth has no complaints.: Kalassori, could you please get to the point.: Of course, Captain Varin Wells.: By me father's beard, I'm growin' sick o' the names an' titles.: What if I had a spell that allowed us to view the First War from a new perspective?: Ooh? This one o' them dirty elf spells I've heard all about? Gary, popcorn!: ...red vines.: Ach, I told ye not ta eat the plants growin' 'round 'ere!: I assume that's a sign to go ahead?: Well, we have to wait for orders anyway... Put it on, Kala. : Eh?: This is a Universal spell, Master Firefist. Something that most wizards with a little power at their fingertips could access.: Sounds flimsy enough fer me to gloss right over! : Wait, that's Ironforge?: You haven't been?: 'Oi! What's wrong with Ironforge, Cap'n?: Nothing... it's just so... I mean. Cold. Doesn't it lie along the equator?: Well, actually because of-: Uh, Cap'n, didya notice th' mountains? Tha' means cold.: But-: SHH! More popcorn, Gare-bear. : Is that-?: It is!:
!: Th' Great Forge!: ...that's not what we're talking about, Ruku.: That's Anduin Lothar. A decidedly much younger Anduin Lothar.: How far back did this spell of yours take us? : More importantly, what is that?: Are ye two gonna talk th' whole time? Tha's a boomstick. : A what?: Ugh. Interruptin' more an' more. Lad, jus' shut yer yap an hand me more o' those red vines.: I can confirm that those are not edible, Master Firefist. King Woodsbane.  : Har, har, har!: I do not understand what is so funny about this boomstick.: Aye, ye will, lass. Trust me. There's this dwarf named Chekhov tha' ye should meet sometime.  : You might wanna head home, big man. Someone's attacked one of your garrisons.: This is it then. The start of the First War.: And we dwarves knew about it first!: Ruku, the messenger was meant for Lothar, that doesn't mean-: AND WE DWARVES KNEW ABOUT IT FIRST!: ...Quiet.: Right, sorry, bestest buddy. : Stormwind, my birthplace. Home to countless-: That does not look to be Stormwind during the First War.: Well... there are some differences...: Lad, Stormwind was nae tha' big even before th' orcs burnt it to th' ground.   : An entire garrison, and no one saw anything? : We did find someone. : He was searching the bodies, here in the barracks.: Wait, Cap'n break this down for me. Th' humans were attacked at a garrison near Stormwind and no one saw anything?: That is what they just said.: Yeah, but near Stormwind? I dun understand. Didn't th' orcs come from th' Swamp o' Sorrows? No one saw them? Or was it close to th' swamp an' then they brought th' bodies ta Stormwind because... why?:
: drat straight, Gare-bear.  : Is that what you humans do for interrogations? Just walk in and start assaulting people? : And he's a member of the Kirin Tor?! For shame, Lord Lothar.  : Completely unrealistic. A competant mage would never allow her voice to be stolen away so easily. A flick of the wrist would send Lothar flying.: It's called the suspension o' disbelief, lass!: This is a look into an alternate history!: Tha' don't mean tha' ya gotta be a spell snob about th' whole thing. : I do have to question Lord Lothar's Light rest his soul judgment here. This mage is here to examine the bodies. Hardly anything to start assaulting a man over.: Examine th' bodies? Why would ya need a mage fer tha'?! : Gah!:
  : No, no, no, lad, dun do it. : Ugh! Kala, ain't there some sorta magic fer this sort o' thing?: Yes. Yes, there absolutely is. : I'm so glad that sticking your fingers down the throats of the corpses have revealed... green gas.: I'm not really sure what was just proved here. Were all the men killed by poison?: ...Poison does not work that way.  : We must summon the Guardian.: He's calling on Medivh for this?!: Ach! Tha' wizard what betrayed all o' ye humans durin' the First War?: I'm sure there must have been some confusion. Medivh was a fine man. Great parties.: You got invited to one of those?!   : Are we really watchin' people ridin' on horses?: It shows the advancement of story.: It bores me ta tears is what it does!: What in the name of the Light was that thing? : And all of that travel took us to... the Lion's Pride Inn in Goldshire.: Is that far from Stormwind?: Well... : Wait, I haven't been following, who is that young human?: ...I am trying very hard to watch this in peace.  : King Llane? What is he doing in Goldshire?: Good beer? : And... uh...: That would be Taria Wrynn, queen of Stormwind.: I... don't remember her.: Pfft. Typical male-centric mindset, am I right, Gary?:
  : Dad.: Thank you, son.: No, no, no, what.: I agree, tha' was a hamfisted way o' establishin' their relationship.: Not that! Anduin Lothar didn't have any children!: Huh? Kala, tha' right?: I have heard of no descendants of Lothar's.: Well, who th' hell wrote this reality?   : So who are you, mage?: My name is Khadgar. : WHAT?!: What? Who's tha'?: Literally the man we've been traveling with?: Master Khadgar, archmage of the Kirin Tor.: Never heard o' 'im. But I dun trust this boy what can barely grow a beard.  : You talk to your queen.: You are my sister first.: So, ya think tha' in this world, people jus' gotta announce their relationships with each other?: Queen Taria was not related to Lord Lothar.: Interesting point tha' ya make, Kala, who is my elven friend.: I know of no records to indicate that Lothar had any siblings.: What do you think, Gary, my illegitimate bastard son?:
  : The Guardian is summoned.: I thought tha' Medivh an' Lothar were friends.. They are. ...Er, they were.: So why th' need fer th' whole grandstandin' with th' royal ring?: That ring looks ridiculous.   : Travel montage! Take a shot!: I am unfamiliar with this game.: Th' rules are quite simple, dear Kala. Whenever I feel th' need ta take a shot. I shout an' then I take a shot!: There's too much wrong there for me to correct.: Then by process o' elimination, I must be right! Take a shot!  : Oh, Moroes! A lot older than I remember, though. : And the Guardian's Library, my word! I wonder if all of those books are still there...: Would you really risk your life entering that cursed place for some books?: Yes, absolutely.  : Lotta stairs.  : Loooooootta stairs. Har, har, har!: ...Comedy. : The mad mage himself...: Shirtless.: That is a weird introduction for him, isn't it? : I dunno, Cap'n, I'm not too upset by this.: ...You are a strange one, Ruku.: Kala, a woman's perspective?: Why?: I mean... because...: He was an all powerful mage who nearly doomed our world, and you want to know whether or not I find him attractive on the basis of a woman's perspective.: Aye! Tha' sums it up nicely.  : Wait, we invited th' evil wizard ta join th' war?: We didn't know of his treachery until it was too late, Ruku.: Pfft. Tha's why we dwarves dun trust magic.: Master Firefist, are you saying that you don't trust me?: Kala, ye showed me how ta turn a hellboar inside out with a flick o' yer wrist. Of course I dun trust ye!: Yes, but the morning bacon was good, was it not?: ...More inside out pork. : The chance to study the tomes of the Guardian himself. I'll have to ask Lord Khadgar about this.: I thought that this was just a possible timeline?: Well, Khadgar was an apprentice of Medivh's, so I'm certain he was able to peruse his shelves.: Ach, all this thinkin' is hurtin' my head. So did this happen or not?: Yes, while also simultaneously, no.: I think I taste copper. : Uhhh...  : UHHH...: Kala, wha's tha'?: Not to echo Captian Varin Wells' statement, but... uuhhh...?   : To clarify, th' boy-: Khadgar.: -saw a shadow tha' jus' flew into a bookcase.: ...Magic is really frustrating. : Cap'n... this is th' face o' th' man we're followin'?  : ...I have a lot of questions concerning this Kirin Tor marking.: Is this something that all mages have?: No, absolutely not. We are not, as Master Firefist would say, lame.: I mean, eh, debatable.  : This book it's...: It's what? A tome of infinite power? Medvih's private spellbook? : ...Irresponsibly gaudy. : Huh?: I mean, jewels and silver on the cover? Ugh. Those don't add to the magic contained within at all. : Uh, oh. Looks like the big bad evil archmage o' infinite power is back.: I don't see what the problem is.: Captain Wells, you do not understand the ways of mages.: ...Orcs.: Orcs? Oh, for the love of- Ruku!: I'm on it, Cap'n! C'mon, Gare-bear! Let's bust some skulls!: I will pause the vision, Captain Wells.: Thank you, Kalassori. I am probably needed out there.: I am curious to see how Khadgar gets out of this one.: Kala, they're both mages and on the same side. This is clearly going to be fine.: ...You non-magical beings are adorable and naive.
Azzur fucked around with this message at 10:00 on Dec 13, 2018 |
| ← # ? Oct 13, 2018 12:50 |
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