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Violet_Sky posted:Question: Lately I found that getting off for getting off's sake does nothing for me. I need be to emotionally invested. I'm a cis woman on SSRIs which I'm sure aren't helping. But when I try to get off normally I just get bored. Is my junk broke or am I just demisexual? Not broken at all. Maybe not even demisexual (unless that really resonates with you) - have you ever read about "spontaneous" vs. "responsive" desire? Here's an overview from Men's Health mag, and an overview on Mashable. It's pretty corny, but it can be a helpful framework for thinking about sex. quote:Clinical sex educator Gigi Engle describes it as having "sexy-minds" or "sexy-bodies." People can flip between the two but may lean more heavily one way. A sexy-minded person (spontaneous desire), she says "is someone who needs the context of a sexual experience/interaction to become fully aroused… if you’re in the right headspace, desire can manifest." Meanwhile, a sexy-bodied person (responsive desire) is someone who is "easily aroused, thinks about sex often, and often uses sex to relieve stress."
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Jan 4, 2024 19:17
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be good and try hard! 
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Bollock Monkey posted:
trilobite terror posted:also if your wife is unwilling or uninterested in helping meet your sexual needs/wants then that needs to be addressed with clear eyes Hi all...sorry I disappeared. I ended up deciding to talk with her about a lot of issues. Not only sexual stuff but other issues in the marriage...we are now living separated after going back and forth on divorce. I realized a lot and she did too. Concerning related to the thread topic: major problems have been no climax and a lack of emotional connection during sex. I realized I don't feel anything with her. She finally has opened up to these issues and she says she wants to try to help me with them. But she also wonders if its because of our issues and my trauma. She wonders if maybe its because I need a more supportive partner. She also said something that really hurt. I tried to explain to her that I felt I have always been missing an emotional component and I've always been searching and can't find it. She told me she didn't understand. She said that having sex, the pleasure is the same with or without the emotional part. She would feel the same kind of pleasure and experience with me that she would with a one night stand. I know everyone is different...but is it possible that maybe one of my big issues is the lack of emotion and love partially messing up the experience? Would anyone else be really bothered by the comment about it not being any different based on who you are with? I'm starting therapy, so I'm hoping maybe that will help me work through these issues. I'm thinking a lot of it is psychological. However, I don't know that it will ever be fixed staying in the current relationship.
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Jan 8, 2024 11:09
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I don't think she said it to hurt you (which doesn't mean it didn't hurt you) and if it's true for her, it's true for her. I think it's common for different people to have different attitudes towards sex in this regard. For some, it's all about the intimate connection with another person. For others, it's about getting off. Figuring out where you, your partner, and your relationship with each other fit on that spectrum is a key part of a fulfilling sex life.
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Jan 8, 2024 12:28
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Yangrendan posted:She also said something that really hurt. I tried to explain to her that I felt I have always been missing an emotional component and I've always been searching and can't find it. She told me she didn't understand. She said that having sex, the pleasure is the same with or without the emotional part. She would feel the same kind of pleasure and experience with me that she would with a one night stand. I know everyone is different...but is it possible that maybe one of my big issues is the lack of emotion and love partially messing up the experience? Would anyone else be really bothered by the comment about it not being any different based on who you are with? Yes. It would bother me, and probably be a relationship-ender depending on the context.
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Jan 8, 2024 14:15
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That seems very poorly worded. Is that what she actually said, or is that what you heard? If it's the same experience with a one night stand, that would bother me quite a bit. If it was just being able to get the same amount of sexual pleasure with a one night stand, that's a hit to my pride, but completely understandable
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Jan 8, 2024 15:24
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Violet_Sky posted:Question: Lately I found that getting off for getting off's sake does nothing for me. I need be to emotionally invested. I'm a cis woman on SSRIs which I'm sure aren't helping. But when I try to get off normally I just get bored. Is my junk broke or am I just demisexual? I’m not the person to comment on demisexuality (I am not, and I don’t have a good grasp on the concept) but SSRIs do all sorts of things not just to your ability to get off but (sometimes) the way you think/feel about it. Like (and sorry if this is too much info) but until I got my SSRI situation figured out, when I tried to get off either by myself or with my wife, my (cis male) body would react like it normally would, but there was little actual pleasure and finishing was practically impossible. Adjusting my dosage and adding Wellbutrin to the mix did the trick — all via my doctor, of course — so it’s possible there’s something available from that front.
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Jan 8, 2024 15:47
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Yangrendan posted:Hi all...sorry I disappeared. I ended up deciding to talk with her about a lot of issues. Not only sexual stuff but other issues in the marriage...we are now living separated after going back and forth on divorce. Are you doing couples counseling? I think it's always a good idea to have a mediator for discussions like these if you can. It can really help to sort out where you're both at, and to figure out if the relationship is salvageable, or else how best to end it as amicably as possible. Also check out the break-up thread in E/N. Glad you're working through this, though!
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Jan 8, 2024 22:29
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Yangrendan posted:Would anyone else be really bothered by the comment about it not being any different based on who you are with? I'd be bothered by that. But that's not really the point, it sounds like there was loads of other stuff bubbling away in your relationship. Well done for taking a step back, using communication and honesty, and arranging some therapy. Those are all really mature, sensible, helpful things and I hope stuff works out for you. It's gonna suck in the short term, but remember you're investing in your happier future.
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Jan 8, 2024 22:39
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Thank you everyone. I will try to get through things. I don't think things are really salvageable to be honest. She has done things over the past month that I have felt are emotionally manipulative (though I don't think that's her intention. Just how I feel). She wants to try to continue and help me fix my dysfunctions, however, at this point in time I don't even want to think about being intimate with her. After the past month I'm not sure if I can go back to wanting her. That's brought me alot of anxiety and fear about my future. So I want to ask my final question: is it possible for a man at 38 to find a partner who will accept that I have little sexual experience and might need to work through dysfunctions? I don't know if and when I will have another relationship, but I do want to solve these issues. And, if I do solve them, I would really like to be with a partner who will communicate from the beginning and with whom I don't have intense emotional baggage. But I'm frightened that no one outside of my current partner will really be able to accept that. The Door Frame posted:That seems very poorly worded. Is that what she actually said, or is that what you heard? Sorry I'm translating this from another language. She said that the hugging and kissing before the act might feel different, but the act itself, the pleasure, and stimulation are the same. The emotional component does nothing to make the act itself more pleasureable. EDIT: I decided to edit out a few details. Yangrendan fucked around with this message at 05:20 on Jan 11, 2024 |
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Jan 9, 2024 15:57
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So with ssris does the sex drive tend to come back after cessation? I’m on the max dose of Lexapro and my sex drive is maybe 3/4 or half pre-Lexapro. It’s nice actually since I match up with my partner more, the sex frequency feels about adequate. I’m just thinking ahead, it may get annoying for that to come back full force and I’ll be horny all the time but with a toddler and my wife’s lower sex drive I’ll be more frustrated.
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Jan 9, 2024 16:28
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Yangrendan posted:So I want to ask my final question: is it possible for a man at 38 to find a partner who will accept that I have little sexual experience and might need to work through dysfunctions? I don't know if and when I will have another relationship, but I do want to solve these issues. And, if I do solve them, I would really like to be with a partner who will communicate from the beginning and with whom I don't have intense emotional baggage. But I'm frightened that no one outside of my current partner will really be able to accept that. ...yes?  That was basically me years ago
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Jan 9, 2024 16:42
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Definitely yes.
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Jan 9, 2024 16:55
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Yangrendan posted:So I want to ask my final question: is it possible for a man at 38 to find a partner who will accept that I have little sexual experience and might need to work through dysfunctions? I don't know if and when I will have another relationship, but I do want to solve these issues. And, if I do solve them, I would really like to be with a partner who will communicate from the beginning and with whom I don't have intense emotional baggage. But I'm frightened that no one outside of my current partner will really be able to accept that. This is leaning a bit more toward the breakup thread territory, but as someone who went through divorce in my late 30s and had the exact same concern, you’ll be fine. My self esteem was shot, and I was convinced no one would want me. Not only did I date _more than one person_, I’m engaged to a wonderful person who fulfills me in ways I never thought. I will say, you should take time to work on yourself though. I thought I was ready after 6 months and was awful to a girl dating me because I actually was not ready to date. Really take time to work things out for yourself. Also get yourself over to the breakup mega thread. Very nice and helpful people there helped me through the most painful event of my life. Now, to get back on topic: “Have you tried butt stuff”?
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Jan 9, 2024 18:22
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apropos of “trying butt stuff”. Is there a tactful way to market oneself/weed out potential dates wherein I don’t have to waste a bunch of time and effort and money getting to the point where I find out that they’re never gonna meet my wants? I don’t mean in some unrealistic or unrealized way. The kind/quality of sex that I’m looking for I’ve had, I had it frequently and regularly for five years, and it’s not particularly like outré or weird or niche. I just mean like—is there a phrase you can put on a dating profile that’s like: “if you’re not into butt sex or bdsm, don’t even waste our time”? I’ve been really put off dating for the past few years. My ex fiancée that I lived with in my 20s (I’m 34 now) was basically perfect in that regard, I could get into details and I probably will in another post because my hangups do go farther than this, there are attributes about her specifically that I would love to find in another partner, but at the minimum it would be nice to not be completely and utterly disappointed by the people that I date after having put in weeks/months of time and expense. I don’t have a ton of time or money to throw at dating and when I do date it takes a lot of work to make it fit (I’m in the early stages of running my own business) and it sucks poo poo to get three-four dates in with a person, or four months like my last long-term relationship which shambled on for a year before I finally pulled the plug, start bonding with them/etc, and then have to come to a decision point like “this person will never, ever do butt stuff” or “this person will never be particularly competent or enthusiastic about blowjobs”, “this person doesn’t have nearly the sex drive that you have”, etc. Like dating on OkCupid, etc, where you answer a bunch of questions about yourself has at least yielded somewhat better results than the times I’ve dated some whitebread becky with a good engineering job from Hinge, but also they’re OkCupid results (if you know you know) and OkCupid is arguably more of a relative backwater today than it was in 2018. Fetlife isn’t a dating site, though I’ve hooked up with a few people from there and they’ve been fun. But unless you happen to end up in bed together on the first night, you can’t go into a normal date guns blazing like “so how do you feel about anal?” without raising red flags. Mostly I’m just venting, I think, IDK that there’s an answer beyond “keep on keeping on”. Yes I’ve been to therapy.
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Jan 9, 2024 20:08
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trilobite terror posted:apropos of “trying butt stuff”. Is there a tactful way to market oneself/weed out potential dates wherein I don’t have to waste a bunch of time and effort and money getting to the point where I find out that they’re never gonna meet my wants? You mention Fetlife and BDSM -- have you tried going to events in your local kink scene? Fetlife's not a dating site, correct, but it is the de facto repository of all the events you can go to to meet people you might want to date. Keep in mind that munches, classes, etc are also not meat markets, they're meetups. Otherwise I think it's totally fair to put on a dating profile that you're into x/y/z, it's important to you, and that being open to explore those things is a must for anything serious.
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Jan 9, 2024 20:12
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trilobite terror posted:apropos of “trying butt stuff”. Is there a tactful way to market oneself/weed out potential dates wherein I don’t have to waste a bunch of time and effort and money getting to the point where I find out that they’re never gonna meet my wants? Why not look for hookups that meet those requirements and see if they turn into relationships? That’s the only real way I see to shortcut “hey are you into BDSM and anal?” You could also just straight up put it in your profile but I doubt that’ll work out for ya.
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Jan 9, 2024 20:13
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trilobite terror posted:I just mean like—is there a phrase you can put on a dating profile that’s like: “if you’re not into butt sex or bdsm, don’t even waste our time”?. Yes. Some people put a ⛓️ emoji in their profile. However, if you're a dude this is going to cut into both the number of matches you get and the quality of the matches. Basically, it is a red flag, and you will be matching with women with a high tolerance for those. I have had better luck with using platforms that are kink-oriented in general, like Feeld.
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Jan 9, 2024 21:24
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thotsky posted:Yes. Some people put a ⛓️ emoji in their profile. However, if you're a dude this is going to cut into both the number of matches you get and the quality of the matches. Basically, it is a red flag, and you will be matching with women with a high tolerance for those. What is it with you and this determination to get matches even if they're not compatible?
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Jan 9, 2024 21:34
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Pixelante posted:What is it with you and this determination to get matches even if they're not compatible? OP is not looking for anything particularly niche; they want anal and enthusiastic blowjobs. It's totally fair to answer that yes, there are ways of saying you're kinky in your profile, but that it could do more harm than good depending. I'm doing just fine though, thanks for repeatedly asking. thotsky fucked around with this message at 23:45 on Jan 9, 2024 |
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Jan 9, 2024 23:31
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Yangrendan posted:Sorry I'm translating this from another language. She said that the hugging and kissing before the act might feel different, but the act itself, the pleasure, and stimulation are the same. The emotional component does nothing to make the act itself more pleasureable. As for the basics, I assume you've got your vitamins checked? Because at my most recent check-up at my GP, she noticed that my vitamin D3 and calcium was low - and after getting a single tablet a day which contains both (because apparently it's very common for Scandinavians to lack it, and each of them help with the absorption of the other), my sexual desire is back at its usual level (I'd previously noticed it wasn't very big for a period). mrbass21 posted:Now, to get back on topic: “Have you tried butt stuff”?
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Jan 11, 2024 00:34
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more falafel please posted:You mention Fetlife and BDSM -- have you tried going to events in your local kink scene? Fetlife's not a dating site, correct, but it is the de facto repository of all the events you can go to to meet people you might want to date. Keep in mind that munches, classes, etc are also not meat markets, they're meetups. I'd also recommend checking our your local kink scene. Instead of trying to find someone through a dating app, your in a more sex positive social group that should be more tolerant towards your desires of "Anal and BDSM." Kink has to be negotiated and part of that negotiating is expressing what you want. Again, you have to treat it like a social group and not a meat market, but you can find causal or long term sexual partners. There are also national BDSM conferences and events that will have whiteboards for you to put up "I'm looking for anal and enthusiastic blowjobs" and you can find people who are into that.
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Jan 14, 2024 01:27
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I'm not the biggest fan of water based lubes for butt stuff, they tend to quickly driy sticky and can provide a little too much sensation compared to my preferred silicone, but silicone lube and silicone toys don't mix. What are some good water based lubes that are slicker and slide better?
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Jan 18, 2024 05:24
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Silicone lube and non silicone condoms on the toys?
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Jan 18, 2024 06:45
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I’ve been using Wet Gold Hybrid and it’s been great so far. Although I use it for insertion and then just keep the toy in and enjoy the vibes; I’m not sure how it would hold up with repeated friction.
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Jan 18, 2024 11:28
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Water based lubes will never give the same performance as silicone ones will, but they do provide a bit more cushioning which can be nice. The most important bit about using water based lubes for buttstuff is getting one that doesn't irritate you. Some swear to Sliquid Sassy, but while it's pretty good on paper it can still sting for some and the performance is not any better than cheaper alternatives IMO. Slippery Stuff Gel and Probe Thick Rich are much better suited, they're cheap, can be bought in bulk and especially the latter has respectable performance that is easily replenished with spit or a spritz of water. thotsky fucked around with this message at 13:38 on Jan 18, 2024 |
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Jan 18, 2024 13:35
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Since thread is on lube chat, and I recently came into a situation where I (hope to) need it, how much should I worry when it comes to the specific brand/product for butt stuff? There's a pretty wide selection of "water-based, anal" stuff, including with warming/cooling/numbing admixtures. My initial thought was to get the best value/quantity plain water-based anal, but as the non-receiving of the two in this situation, it also feels like a decision that shouldn't be made unilaterally
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Jan 23, 2024 16:44
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No extra effects, that can make it harder for the receiving partner to feel pain or discomfort. I recommend silicone instead of water based, you'll need to reapply much less often and thus your partner will have a better experience.
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Jan 23, 2024 17:21
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Spikes32 posted:No extra effects, that can make it harder for the receiving partner to feel pain or discomfort. I recommend silicone instead of water based, you'll need to reapply much less often and thus your partner will have a better experience. I'm worried about the difficulty to clean re: silicone, and I'm pretty sure the one we used (that she provided) was water-based, which is why I was looking more "basic" like that. That was my thinking re: extra effects too, seems just as likely to be an issue than it is to be fun, so glad to hear my head was in the right place.
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Jan 23, 2024 17:58
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Silicone is fine, maybe better, for penetrative sex, but you're right that the cleanup is awful, and you can't use it with silicone toys. In general, I recommend a gel-consistency water-based lube, especially if you're using toys. In my experience, not all lubes are created equal *at all* for butt stuff. My current favorite is Sutil Rich, but it's pricey. You want something that's going to last a long time and not get tacky. Unfortunately, the stuff you can get for super cheap in quantity is usually pretty bad at that.
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Jan 23, 2024 18:15
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It goes away if you use soap, but honrstly it's a decent moisturizer and I don't see the need to fuss too much with cleanup. Using it with silicone toys, the price and it royally loving up expensive linen are the only downsides.
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Jan 23, 2024 19:28
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Coconut oil
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Jan 23, 2024 20:54
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I’ve found water based lube wears out so so quickly. It’ll still glide a little but gets significantly worse after a few minutes, even the thick stuff. For non-silicone toy use, good quality silicone lube has always worked excellently for me. I really like oil based lube for silicone toys, but it’s real stainy.
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Jan 23, 2024 23:18
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the good thing about water-based lubes is that you can usually revive them/change their tackiness and viscosity, etc by adding water
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Jan 23, 2024 23:34
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