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This is the introductory chapter to a book I'm writing. Updated version. Is the voice consistent? This should all be one character in the present tense. I don't want ya'll to edit for me, but is there any grammar mistake that is particularly glaring? Finally, would you want to read more of this? My destination stands before me, bathed in darkness, and yet I stand in sunlight. My heart is pounding as the months of traveling led me to the city of Umbra. I step forward and the sun vanishes, above my head is a black disc drowning the light. Umbra had the sun stolen from it, and soon now the shadow will be lifted. The father of the monastery told me the sword would guide me, but he didn't tell me about the dreams. Every night visions of the Shadow haunts my dreams, as he slices through his victims. Before I started traveling I had never so much as lifted a blade, but now with a month of the road behind me, the sword is a comforting weight. Despite my nerves, I feel ready. Ready to put an end to Horvath the Shadow's reign of terror. The path is clear before me, thanks to the light of the torch as well as the glowing mushrooms and moss nearby. It seems that the years of darkness have allowed them to flourish and provide a little light. As I get closer to the city, it surprises me to see light from something besides my lantern or the fungi. A market has been set up outside the city proper, and from nearly every stall hang lights of many colors, pink, green, even a sickly white. Every single one buzzes from the current feeding them power, but for some reason there are stalls with only black stones. They would be swallowed by darkness if not for their neighbors, and yet they seem the busiest, with all sorts of people coming up. The people visiting these stalls all wear glasses on their head, and don't carry so much as a candle. At this moment I notice a tall, lean man stepping out of the shadows of the darker stalls. "Young man, try my glasses on and you'll be able to catch a flea masturbating. Don't be caught without them." His words are friendly enough, but the look on his face as he approaches me has me touching my hilt for reassurance. Directly to my right a young woman steps out with myriad glasses dangling from her neck. "Listen to that fool and you'll miss a lot. My glasses will let you count the tiny hairs on a black mouse's balls." She surprises me and while I still have the chance I break forward and to the right, whirling around to keep both of them in my sight. I didn't have to worry on that front as they both steadily approach me, and with every step another strange slogan. "Catch a fly cheating on his wife with my glasses." As he body checks his rival. "Try his glasses on and you might as well be blind, with these glasses you can catch a black rat cheating at poker." I failed to realize what they were doing, but now I know. Every single step forward has me stepping back, as they herd me into the alley I can see just behind my back. I feel the hairs on my neck rise, and moments before I pull my sword a stranger's hand meets my shoulder, calming me. "Try my glasses on, and you'll never go back to normal sight again. I know I haven't" With those words, I feel him slip a pair of glasses onto me. Where there was nothing but darkness, the entire market boils over with light. The stones which appeared totally black now glow red, green, yellow, and colors I've never seen before. In this single moment the stranger steps in front of me and says, "I think we know who's got the sale, why don't you two call it a night." For whatever reason, his presence is enough to get them to back down. He turns and faces me. "Hey I'm Muse. Sorry about the riff raff." "I'm David. What the hell were they trying to do?" "Those two couldn't sell a bucket of water to a man on fire, and so they occasionally try to back people into corners where they have to say yes." "They normally pick armed people?" This man seems nice enough, but their actions just don't make sense. "Well it's a small miracle that they've survived for this long, but even cockroaches manage somehow." He shrugs his shoulders, and leaves it at that. "So David, where does someone like you come from, covered in road dust as you are?" "Borous, not that you've ever heard of it." I reply with a grin. "Can't say that I have." He returns the grin, and keeps talking. "So you're from up north I take it?" My warmer clothing has given me away. "Do you read everybody as well as this?" "Not everybody, but I do get a lot of practice." As he smiles, he reaches up to itch his nose, more than a little proud. "Tell you what, do you have any idea where you're staying here?" "Nope. I'm new in town, in case you hadn't noticed." "Not really." The sarcasm stings, but I can tell he doesn't mean it. "Business has been a little slow tonight, so I'll give you a tour and the glasses for free on one condition." He waggles his finger, begging for the reply. "Which is?" The question is inevitable, but his smile grows even wider as I ask. "You tell me story. Not everybody can make a journey like you have, solo." With these words he takes me by the arm and guides me past the market into the city proper. "Umbra, the city of perpetual darkness. Despite its rough reputation it has a real soft spot for newcomers." With every word Muse's face lights up and he seems to take to the role of tour guide with relative ease. "Once past the market you'll see the fabulous shadow stone speckled gates that lead into this city. Built centuries ago what once kept out bandits does nothing more than delight the eyes, provided of course you go with the best dark glasses the city has to offer." The words sound pompous and yet he says them with such charm. "I was meaning to ask abou-" "Please hold all questions until the end." He breaks character now and says to me. "Hey I don't get to do this everyday, cut me some slack. Once past the gates you can follow the main road where we'll come out to the river boulevard." As we stroll down I listen to Muse as he points out various houses. You can tell the age of the house by how much shadow stone is incorporated. Only the very oldest or finest houses can do completely without shadowstone as a building material. Either way it's a rich man indeed who can sit in darkness even with his glasses on." On the main street only a few of the houses match his description. "The truly rich tend to build further back in little enclaves. They don't want to be seen coming and going at all hours of the night." As he finishes we turn onto the river lined street and I'm greeted with a curious sight. The glasses reveal all the specks and colors I'd seen previously, but the river fails to reflect a single color. Muse catches on quick and resumes his spiel. "Now we've come to the Black river, named for obvious reasons. No one is certain why, but water blocks the shadow stone's light and won't reflect it either. That's not the only reason this street is cool though. Look at those pillars lining the river and tell me what you think." The pillars he mentions look twisted and gnarled. It's only when we step closer that I see the reason why. Lit from only one side these are nothing more than ancient trees. "They're trees, man. Back before the sun was stolen, they were supposedly the best in the world. All that's left are the trunks, and that's only because the council decreed it." "What's this council, isn't Horvath the ruler?" This is the first I've heard of any council, and after months of asking people about Umbra. "Oh, the council is just some interested citizens. The shadow doesn't really care what happens to people on a daily basis. There was some tree lover on the council ages ago, and they tried to preserve something from before nightfall. Anyways this is our turn off, it's very important that you keep quiet." His face, normally lively and grinning, was completely flat. "That's not a joke, this is the best way to get past the next neighborhood, but we have to keep quiet." With those words I follow him, across the river and into a shaded alley. The light here is shaded with only a few shadowstones lighting the way. We walk in past the first few doorways, when I hear the sound of feet stepping heavily. Muse is instantly alert and steps back. "We need to take another route, keep quiet and follow me." He spins around and runs for the nearest door. I hear him curse, and all I can do is draw my sword. Traveling, the sword kept me safe enough, but this sounds like a large group. If even one of them has a crossbow my quest could end right here. After a small eternity which had to be less than a minute, he has the door open, and we both rush inside. I don't even hear the door click behind us as I rush further inside away from the heavy door. I just catch Muse's words… "No, not in there…", and it's already too late. As I look inside the small room I opened, I spy three people all dressed differently except for the heavy armor covering their lower legs. "Sorry, wrong room." As quick as I can I slam the door shut, and Muse quickly wedges a chair underneath the handle. "David, we have to move fast. The Iron Shins can't stand being made the fool. Follow me." Stealth forgotten for the moment I follow Muse up the stairs, one, two, then three flights until finally we step out onto the roof. "I wish we could appreciate the view, but it'll have to wait until we've gotten out of the Rusty Legs' turf." We run across the rooftop, and even the dark glasses can't show much up here. The black dome overhead and the glimmers of strange light beneath guide us until we find another doorway almost half a mile away. "It's going to be a lot calmer now that we're past that. I could have bribed them, but that would have been a small fortune." Muse looks me in the eye, with traces of a grin floating on his face. "That was pretty dicey, but you kept your wits about you." "You're not half bad yourself. What's a seller of glasses doing with lock picks anyways?" The question has just a suggestion of mistrust, but it's enough. "David, I'm hurt. We've come so far, and if you give me just ten more minutes it'll all be worth it." I can see him reading the situation and deciding just how far he can push it. As my hand touches the hilt, he caves. "Alright, alright! If we're not there soon, my life is yours to do with as you please. You've got my word." It's not as though I have a choice, and he didn't leave me for dead back in the alley. "Sounds fair to me." Muse opens the lock on this door with even greater ease, and we make our way down to the street level. He leads me on, the tour spiel long gone, and after a few more twists and turns we come out to a broad street. "Here we are, I'm a man of my word. The Laughing Banshee! Finest drinking establishment and inn in all Umbra. There may be bigger ones and they may seem more popular, but they can't compete. The Banshee has Elena after all." His grin grows even wider at the name, and I swear his eyes start to sparkle. "She's the owner, and she'll steal your heart and break it in an hour tops. Ten minutes if she's in a hurry" "Well, you got me here in one piece, let's see just how good this place is." As I speak we come to the doors of the Laughing Banshee, huge heavy slabs of oak. In one a small door is inset, and Muse opens it up, ushering me inside. As I pass by the door, I notice all the nicks and splinters hanging off, evidence of a violent history. Inside the bar is lit primarily by shadowstones, with only a few flickering lights up front for the curious or desperate. At each of the tables a shadow stone sculpture stands, all of them ornate and well done. The customers of the Banshee don't even stop talking. The only sign we've been noticed is a handful of turned heads, which quickly return to their drinks. "David, I'll grab the drinks, if you'll grab the table. I like the scorpion personally." He strides off towards the bar, and what appears to be a pile of red curls. I can only imagine what Elena looks like, but she would have to be something else in a city like this. I take in the bar and notice back behind the tables, there's a hallway with no light. I notice a figure ducking in and suddenly my attention snaps back to the table in front of me. Filled with men of varying size, the one thing they share in common is the color white. For some it's the shirt, and for the seven foot man approaching my table it's a small bracelet in contrast to the rest of his dark colored outfit. I can hear every step towards the table heavy with intent, and it feels like his eyes are burning a hole in me even through the glasses we wear. I reach for my sword, and he responds by holding his hands up as if surrendering. "No need for that stranger. I'll only take up a few moments of your time." He practically growls out the words, and they do nothing to set me at ease. As he grabs a chair and joins me at the table, it does even less to settle my mind. "Say your piece, and let's be done then." He has to be nearly seven feet tall, and with his broad shoulders the last thing I need is a fight with him. "Known Muse for long have we? I only ask because you look a little wet behind the ears. Umbra is not the sort of city that plays nice with newcomers." His tone is unpleasant, and I can't tell if he's being genuine or pursuing an agenda. "I've known him longer than you, stranger. If you want me to do something I suggest you stop speaking in riddles." I need a break, but this city seems intent on wearing me down. I'm about to insult him, foolishly, when Muse comes up with two mugs full of foamy beer in hand. "Sameth, what the hell are you doing here? I thought I was clear, we're through with each other." As he speaks, he sets down the mugs and steps away from the table hands out and ready, though not blatantly aggressive. "Oh we're through all right. Just letting your friend know there are consequences to spending time with you." I can hear the sarcasm as he says the word friend. He rises up from his seat, offers Muse the chair, and strolls back to where his friends sit, laughing. Only this time, the heavy tread from before is replaced with a void of sound. This is no one I want to tangle with. "Muse, who the hell was that? I have been hassled by merchants, chased by armed men, and now I have to worry about a giant as well? I need answers." "Relax David, that was Sameth just now. We had a business deal go sour a while back, and he's good at holding a grudge. Here's your drink by the way." He slides one of the mugs over, and just a touch of the beer inside foams over the edge. "Here's to new adventures." We raise our glasses, and I swallow some of the bitter drink down. It's a heavy beer and it reminds me of what my father used to drink after a hard day's work in the mines. Along with the familiar is just a hint of something herbal, "Alright, I've played tour guide, and got you here safe and sound. So what brings you to Umbra? Our reputation keeps most people away." "I'm looking for someone." As usual Muse gets to the center of things, but I still don't know if I can trust him. "Don't be coy, everybody comes to Umbra for a reason. Did some pretty young thing steal your heart, and then your purse? It happens to lots of people." I can't tolerate his teasing tone an instant longer. "I'm here to find the Shadow." Muse's face flickers showing his indecision. He mocks me for my words. "You're here for Horvath the Shadow? The undisputed king of thieves? People stopped trying to kill him after the first few slaughters. If you don't want to tell me the truth, that's fine, but I'll need the money for those glasses." "I'm telling you the truth! I am here to find him and end his wretched life." I find myself standing, not even sure when I got out of my chair. "If you want to stand in my way I'll… I'll." My head spins, and all of a sudden I'm seeing double. "What's… what's happening?" I reach for a chair to support myself and miss, crashing to the ground. I hear Muse walk up to me and speak, with an awful grin on his face. "Looks like you had a bit much to drink. Don't worry pal, we'll take good care of you." The last thing I see before blacking out, are the faces of the two glasses sellers from the market. December Octopodes fucked around with this message at 12:18 on Aug 6, 2014 |
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Jul 17, 2014 09:44
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 01:25 |
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Hey I went and added some questions, I'd greatly appreciate some feedback.
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Jul 22, 2014 14:20
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December Octopodes posted:Hey I went and added some questions, I'd greatly appreciate some feedback. Alright buddy, here's the deal: I was getting bored a few sentences in and the entirety of the first paragraph didn't draw me in. I read the first four paragraphs, and am responding to that--sorry, but 3k words is too much to read after I've lost interest (if you punch up the intro, I might be willing to read more, I like fantasy). First Para: Story is from first person present, but first line is from past-perfect. This is two steps back, which is needlessly distancing, and uses more low-impact words like "had"--"The blade led me to the the city of Umbra." You say the blade led you, but then you say that visions, whispers, and awe brought you, sooooo? also, that list of things is long and kind of bland--very common fantasy trope of "I'd heard scary rumors" -- seeing stuff in visions/dreams and following up on it is also pretty common. These things can still be used, but be wary. "The trail I'm standing on is at it's [sic] peak" First off, its is possessive, it's is a contraction of it is. Second, woah double passive voice: i'm standing/trail is. Third: peak of what? what does "its" refer back to? The point? he's on the peak of a point? confused :/. Fourth, starting a story from a peak looking at a city below has been done a lot, or at least feels very, very cliched to me. "None of them had really prepared me for the reality" -- so, really/reality. These both are based on real. Try to avoid using them in the same sentence, especially when they are both pretty throw-away in context. Nothing prepared me for the reality" -- I can't think of another word for reality here, because I don't know what part of the reality he was unprepared for. The terrible stench? The giant demon guarding the bell tower? A permanent rainbow? A thousand bridges? Everyone is naked? No loving clue. Also, I have absolutely zero concept of the setting so far. It seems to be the standard (over-used) mediaeval English forest setting at this point. If you're going to have a paragraph where a dude (or lady?) does nothing but stand on a trail, look at a city, and step forward into the sun light/eclipse lack of light, please oh please give me something else interesting to read about. Oh, also, I guess there's the whole eclipse thing, that is part of the setting. So, I don't do this rigorously for all crits or for my own stories, but when you think you might have a lot of weak verbs (you do), I find it helpful to put them all in a list: had led, filled, had brought, am standing, is, lies, had heard, could, prepare, stand, can, see, shining, will be, stepping, vanishes, is. You can see, I hope, that there isn't a lot of action or movement here, and many of the verbs are rather bland--now I don't mean you should go out and find fancy verbs (e.g. eludicated--don't use this). But, note how a several are passive: is, will be, is. A few more are observational: had heard, see. Many others are actions done too the protagonist, rather than by the protagonist: had led, filled, had brought, prepare. The two most "interesting" verbs, shining and vanishing, actually apply to the sun. Both of these verbs are so often used with the sun, that they are no longer particularly interesting. FInally, you repeat the phrase "the City of Umbra" at least three times in this short paragraph. In the next paragraph you shorten it to just "the city" but it's not enough. Write in a way (probably changing the content of your writing as well) that does not require you to repeat this phrase over and over again. It is non-descriptive. It only tells me that Umbra is a city and it's named Umbra, repeatedly. After the first time, I already know that. Not helpful. Second para: More steps and stepping. Thinking about information he had received is a sure sign that we are about to get a bunch of facts dumped on us. "Ruled with an iron fist" is a cliche. Use of vanishes again--it sticks out. Evil sleeping and reawakening is a cliche, both the concept and describing it as such. Trail I'm standing on/path before me. Get rid of the first one, IMO, strange glowing plants is more interesting than being on the peak of something. This paragraph reeks of trying to world build in a hurry. It's not as bad as an exposition dump, but it's about the next level up when it comes to squeezing in setting information. Too little in para 1, too much in para 2, and still not enough action or characterization. Also, frankly, this description feels like it's pushing "omg weird" on the reader (strange glowing plants, unnatural shade, stranger lights) also you call fungi plants or vice-versa. Fungi are not plants. You've said merchants twice now. Very generic term, all fantasy stories have these generic merchants everywhere. Also generic farmers. Oh, you're following the path now, not just standing on it or looking at it before you. Third Para: basically same issues as 1 and 2, now you are clearly describing "woah look at this crazy market!" By this time I expect to have some solid information about the character, what he is doing, and why. What are his goals? So far he has wandered around and thought about information. River valley, walled city, city of thieves, vendors "hawking wares" (really, vendors hawking wares in a market? what a surprise!) are all overused and should be avoided if possible. Look for something more unique or make sure you have an extremely good reason for using these played out features. Also count how many times you use strange/stranger. It's a lot. I'm not totally sure a "background" exists in real life. Whispering in the background is like...hilarious stage direction. I don't trust your narrator to determine if two strangers are actually shouting as loud as they possibly could. Also that description is just lame. It doesn't add anything to "loud." The rest of the actions in this sentence are way more passive than necessary: had a giant grin, eyes were concealed. c.f "grinning maniacally" (actually that particular phrase is also a cliche, but you get the idea, I hope), wearing goggles (there is a better phrase for this too, but this is the simple phrase you are jumping around with "eyes were concealed behind these strange glasses" -- see, that's a lot more words and they don't really add anything. Except that the glasses are strange so go back to that count of strange words you used and see if it's really necessary to say it about these glasses, too. See, this is a fantasy world. What is strange to the narrator? The readers don't know. It's a cruddy description.) Okay, 4th paragraph is the best so far and is the first thing that makes me want to read more. Cut as much as possible before it, and I'll read more. quote:"Watch a black cat catch a black rat in the corner of a dark, dark room!" Right behind her a tall, thin, black man with a bald head and red glasses started yelling as well, "Don't listen to her! These glasses can catch a fly cheating on his wife in the darkest of alleys!" With every line they step closer. "Oh yeah? With these glasses you can count the hairs on a black mouse's tiny balls!" Another step. What's good in this paragraph is the dialogue, these are funny and intriguing ways to describe seeing in the darkness, plus now I'm pretty interested in why they need to see in the darkness--way better than when you were talking about shadows or a permanent eclipse and a Shadow (whatever that is in this world) reawakening. None of the description in this para is really that interesting. You probably need a bit of description to break up the dialogue, but it needs to be reworked. Curly hair and black and bald don't really identify the characters. The innate physical appearance of characters is one of the absolute least important things to describe, giving us practically no information about who they really are, their station in life, the role they play in the story, etc. This is especially true in the first few paragraphs of a fantasy novel where no physical descriptions have attached meaning. Like, in some books, magical people have purple eyes, or in a slightly better example that I have actually read, two different colored eyes. You can mention this about once before you explain what it means in the next sentence. From that point on, you can use the physical description of different colored eyes as a way of indicating special powers. Really though, that can end up being really silly (especially purple eyes. At this point if you're going to give something purple eyes it should be a mundane ork or something). This intro bit especially needs more characterization of the narrator and his/her goals. People nearly universally read for characters, and no matter how cool a city under a permanent eclipse with weird fly-eye honey-comb goggles is, if you don't give us a strong character to lead us through, we aren't going to follow.
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Jul 23, 2014 22:16
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:fancy verbs (e.g. eludicated--don't use this). e·lu·di·cate (v): to execute a particularly skilful or cunning escape. Sorry, couldn't resist. 
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Jul 29, 2014 07:28
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Lead out in cuffs posted:e·lu·di·cate (v): to execute a particularly skilful or cunning escape. Thank you for elucidating my misspelling.
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Jul 30, 2014 08:23
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I redrafted the chapter based off the use of passive verbs. I think this version sucks less, which is the overall goal. Let me know if the first part has eyes glazing over. Also, thanks very much for the advice. December Octopodes fucked around with this message at 15:49 on Aug 6, 2014 |
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Aug 6, 2014 12:18
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Agree with the common tropes (I recently watched ABC's The Quest, and it felt similar to the "intro" to that show wherein the exposition is a character leading another through a town and talking, which isn't bad, just common). I guess my biggest gripe would be (I am sorry) the name "The Shadow". It doesn't draw me in, and picking up a book with that title might make me hesitate to read it because the name has been used quite a bit. I am trying to figure out the time period a bit. Character says things like "Nope" which makes it feel more modern... if you want it to feel older, maybe look for those type of words and modify them. Overall, (this is good news) it makes me feel like I want to know what will happen next, and what the real story is. Kudos!
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Aug 6, 2014 15:24
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 01:25 |
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Thanks for the feedback. I've been spitballing some new ideas for the title, and I've come up with Death of Darkness: The Longest Night. I'm trying to come up with something that captures the attention, but at the same time the fantasy stuff is well trodden. If anyone is interested I can list more bullshit the glass merchants at the start say.
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Aug 10, 2014 15:41
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