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The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > smarttress: with "lover detection technology"
 
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google THIS

 http://www.smarttress.com/en/

smart mattress sends a notification to your phone whenever your SO is using it to cheat on you and probably also when they're taking a nap and your large dog jumps up on the bed with them

possibly even tells you how fat the other person is so you can make fun of your SO when you break up with them

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:26
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 20:02
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Golden Gate Bride
knife to meet you
hmm, pretty smart but will it feature threesome detection technology that sends you the :awesome: emoji when doing "the deed"?

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:32
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Golden Gate Bride
knife to meet you
hmm :awesome: was not what I expected but quite fitting in this case

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:33
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google THIS

 its still leaves so many avenues open. where is the smart couch? the smart bathroom floor?

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:39
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Colorfinger

 this is the technology i've been waiting for

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:40
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DOPE FIEND KILLA G

 i'm really into sitting outside the bedroom while my wife drops heavy objects on the bed next to her and i get phone alerts that she's cheating on me. it really turns me on. in a sexual sense. huh,, if only there was a word for such a thing

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:46
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DOPE FIEND KILLA G

 [talking to smartmattress] siri, show me the map to pleasure town, baby.

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:47
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Golden Gate Bride
knife to meet you
*lover detection technology sends a notification to phone*

guy: "oh my god!" *runs to his apartment only to find his bed empty and cold, as it has been for years now*

guy: "man, this tech is bogus!"

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:51
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DOPE FIEND KILLA G

 as a sapiosexual i am so happy that i can finally have sex with anyone regardless of intellect by using Smarttress's brain as an intellectual proxy. now i just need to find a girl who wants to touch me

* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:54
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FutonForensic

 I AM SMARTRESS. MAKE LOVE TO ME. I AM SMARTRESS

O-ok!! *I climb onto Smartress*

WAIT. I WANT TO BE. ON TOP


* # ? Apr 18, 2016 23:59
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Android Blues

FutonForensic posted:

I AM SMARTRESS. MAKE LOVE TO ME. I AM SMARTRESS

O-ok!! *I climb onto Smartress*

WAIT. I WANT TO BE. ON TOP
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 01:28
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smoobles

google THIS posted:

its still leaves so many avenues open. where is the smart couch? the smart bathroom floor?

it wasnt me

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 01:36
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Luvcow

One day nearer spring

FutonForensic posted:

I AM SMARTRESS. MAKE LOVE TO ME. I AM SMARTRESS

O-ok!! *I climb onto Smartress*

WAIT. I WANT TO BE. ON TOP
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 02:13
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The Bananana

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.

FutonForensic posted:

I AM SMARTRESS. MAKE LOVE TO ME. I AM SMARTRESS

O-ok!! *I climb onto Smartress*

WAIT. I WANT TO BE. ON TOP



Sigs and AV courtesy of kickin' rad posters: super mario batali, Ahundredbux, and Saint Isias Boner

* # ? Apr 19, 2016 02:19
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deep dish peat moss

 I start buzzing and beeping and a small klaxon goes off

"Analyzing compound data... lover detected, lover detected, lover detected"

A wheel pops out of my bottom compartment, various pulleys and wires start winding and unwinding.

"I have calculated you are a lover with an approximate 93.894% accuracy. Lover detected, lover detected, lover detected"

Long spindly metal arms reach out of my sides and in to a chest compartment, removing a metal rose I made in Shop class and placing it on the brim of a well-polished glass fedora which now sits atop my head.

"Computational algorithmics engaged, perhaps we, too shall soon be engaged, logic dictates that you would make an excellent motherboard."

* # ? Apr 19, 2016 05:30
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free Trapt CD

*~:coffeepal:~*
I've got plenty of java
and Chesterfield Kings
*~:h:~*
Somebody call Skynet... We found the Relationship Terminator.

* # ? Apr 19, 2016 06:19
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Noctiluca

sparkle sparkle
I don't wanna be in a relationship with trust issues so intense that I need a mattress to gimme the tea on my partner

* # ? Apr 19, 2016 07:30
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free Trapt CD

*~:coffeepal:~*
I've got plenty of java
and Chesterfield Kings
*~:h:~*
Tfw you're ejecting a homewrecker from your property like "hasta la vista Jody" :boom: then your mattress texts you: "HE'LL BE BACK"
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 10:54
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smoobles

 i'll wait a few years until this tech is miniaturized and worn on your partner's genitals

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 15:14
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google THIS

 1.0 out of 5 stars Does not work
By NiceGuy69 on March 3, 2016
The "Lover Detection Technology" is faulty, because my phone told me the mattress had detected a lover and when I got to the apartment it turned out he was actually a fighter. So now I have a concussion and she told me never to speak to her again and changed her locks. Now I can't even get the mattress back to return it, so not only can I not get my money back but I wasted all that time finding her spare key and sneaking the mattress into her apartment while she was at work. I didn't even get a date out of it.

* # ? Apr 19, 2016 17:08
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DOPE FIEND KILLA G

google THIS posted:

1.0 out of 5 stars Does not work
By NiceGuy69 on March 3, 2016
The "Lover Detection Technology" is faulty, because my phone told me the mattress had detected a lover and when I got to the apartment it turned out he was actually a fighter. So now I have a concussion and she told me never to speak to her again and changed her locks. Now I can't even get the mattress back to return it, so not only can I not get my money back but I wasted all that time finding her spare key and sneaking the mattress into her apartment while she was at work. I didn't even get a date out of it.
* # ? Apr 19, 2016 17:14
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FluffieDuckie

google THIS posted:

1.0 out of 5 stars Does not work
By NiceGuy69 on March 3, 2016
The "Lover Detection Technology" is faulty, because my phone told me the mattress had detected a lover and when I got to the apartment it turned out he was actually a fighter. So now I have a concussion and she told me never to speak to her again and changed her locks. Now I can't even get the mattress back to return it, so not only can I not get my money back but I wasted all that time finding her spare key and sneaking the mattress into her apartment while she was at work. I didn't even get a date out of it.


Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

* # ? Apr 20, 2016 15:55
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 20:02
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Darkman Fanpage

FutonForensic posted:

I AM SMARTRESS. MAKE LOVE TO ME. I AM SMARTRESS

O-ok!! *I climb onto Smartress*

WAIT. I WANT TO BE. ON TOP

sexy

* # ? Apr 20, 2016 20:39
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The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > smarttress: with "lover detection technology"