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my dreadlocks are an important part of my identity. I'm always out on the quad with my hackey sack, ready for a game. I invite you up to my dorm room for a smoke sesh. Check out my impressive djembe drum collection! Oh sorry, I don't have any ashtrays, just use these cool seashells I found, I call them schwellies. I'm still really bummed about Bernie. He was gonna legalize weed. You look on in confusion as I pull down my corduroys and take out my dick. you get up to run. I don't care, I just start jerking it. it's me, i'm that guy. The college stoner/compulsive masturbator. --------------------------------- I'm at the bar. everyone's enjoying hockey. not me. i'm explaining why your beer choice is poo poo. the selection here is garbage anyway but your choice is laughable. i ask if you ordered it ironically. I notice a flyer for the punk show on wednesday night. awful bands. i don't know why i still come here. A guy asks me to keep it down, the game is on. i reach down and feel my cock. I'm getting hard. i unzip my fly and pull it out. i don't know why i do this. the man's girlfriend screams. i start to pull the proverbial pudding. i know the man is going to punch me, but I can't stop. my pace is frenzied. it's me, I'm that guy. compulsive masturbator at the punk rock dive bar. ------------------------------------------------- I'm waiting outside Barnes & noble in my finest dress robes. J K Rowling is here for a signing. i brought my personal annotated copy of gobblet of fire. i ship snape and dumbledore, harry and dumbledore, the weasley twins and filch, and snape, harry, and Hedwig. I'm first on line. But some awful woman and her kids are behind me and I just know they're gonna ruin everything. The doors open and I push to get inside, but the sales associate has already led the woman and her crotchspawn to the front of Ms. Rowling's line. Those awful little vermin who will never even remember this experience are getting books far too advanced for them signed by the finest author of my age, stealing my moment right out from under me. I could almost scream. I throw my book at the awful woman. I reach down absently. i'm hard. i've been hard for an hour. Before I know what I'm doing, I'm going at it. Everyone is screaming. They're calling the cops, I can feel it. I can't stop. It's me, I'm that guy. That creepy potter shipper, who compulsively masturbates. ------------------------------------------ anyway, you guys get it. Let's pretend to be that guy. That food snob snapping instagram pics of his gluten free seitan, masturbating right in the restaurant. That hulking creeptard with the steroid backne and the bright red face making gross noises while lifting at the gym, and then masturbating. The guy who comes to school in a cape, talking like he's doctor who, lots of invader zim gear from hot topic, always masturbating. Have fun and please stay on topic.
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Oct 1, 2016 21:44
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Gatekeeper posted:gluten free seitan literally impossible
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Oct 1, 2016 21:46
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alnilam posted:literally impossible yes that's the joke 
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Oct 1, 2016 21:49
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alnilam posted:literally impossible *googles "gluten free seitan"* WELL, ACTUALLY |
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Oct 1, 2016 21:51
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Gatekeeper posted:yes that's the joke  i'm that guy, i did it
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Oct 1, 2016 21:54
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alnilam posted:
lmbo masterful |
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Oct 1, 2016 21:57
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umm but you're not masturbating |
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Oct 1, 2016 21:57
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Gatekeeper posted:umm but you're not masturbating says you
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Oct 1, 2016 22:02
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not to be that guy but..
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Oct 1, 2016 22:29
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hi my name is Steve. I work at the Trader Joe's. my fave right now is the frozen coq au vin. it's really good, have you tried it? are you ignoring me? can't you just make some eye contact? man, ok, whatever. I'll just be here, being Steve, ringing up your peanut butter pretzels. you probably had a hard day.
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Oct 1, 2016 23:24
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mysterious frankie posted:hi my name is Steve. I work at the Trader Joe's. my fave right now is the frozen coq au vin. it's really good, have you tried it? are you ignoring me? can't you just make some eye contact? man, ok, whatever. I'll just be here, being Steve, ringing up your peanut butter pretzels. you probably had a hard day. fucken hate you, steve
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Oct 2, 2016 03:15
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i have spent so many years in foodservice idr where the line between me and that guy is anymore
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Oct 2, 2016 03:36
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Im not voting for crooked hillary. i think trump tells it like it is. |
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Oct 2, 2016 03:55
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The only reason I'm single is because I'm too nice. I don't want to approach women because I have to be disgusting. I don't want to be one of "those guys" who just comes out and tries to have sex. But none of these whores ever realize that I'm here for them, I'm the nice guy who would always treat them right. I'm prince loving charming but the bitches don't even give me a chance. I put a lot of thought in to how I dress and I'm extremely successful at work and could send all of our babies to college but no, they're out loving Chad and Jamal and wondering why men are such assholes. Ughh, ahh... whew, sorry, do you want me to clean that off your shoes? Wait, don't run! Just give me a chance you bitch! |
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Oct 2, 2016 04:59
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class almost over, a lone voice whimpers 'what about yesterdays homework' |
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Oct 2, 2016 05:07
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I'm sorry OP but if you want people to play along in this forum you have to explain the premise in the title or get a whole lot of people to emptyquote the first post |
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Oct 2, 2016 05:10
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Walking down the street you hear "Hey look, it's that guy!" You're not sure which escapade they're talking about. |
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Oct 2, 2016 05:59
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Hail gluten free seitan |
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Oct 2, 2016 15:51
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hello I am a meek lad that doesn't care much for violence. I observe the Tao and the fact that equanimity is a birthright of all men. Feminism is my chalice of sex having glory and I would die for it.
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Oct 2, 2016 16:16
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E Equals MC Hammer posted:Hail gluten free seitan
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Oct 2, 2016 16:17
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deep dish peat moss posted:I'm sorry OP but if you want people to play along in this forum you have to explain the premise in the title or get a whole lot of people to emptyquote the first post oh it's dat guy
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Oct 2, 2016 16:17
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E Equals MC Hammer posted:Hail gluten free seitan |
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Oct 2, 2016 16:46
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that was a piece ive been working on called "maybe I'm too real for you (brenda)" anyway here's "wonderwall" |
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Oct 2, 2016 17:52
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I'm getting rung up by the cashier with a sizeable line behind me. I argue with the cashier about the price of almost every item, claiming 'buy two get one free' deals and pulling out last week's advertisements and claiming they should still give me the discounts. After the cashier has completely finished ringing me up, there is one more thing. "I have some coupons." I say smugly, I reach into my pocket, but there are no coupons there. I begin playing pocket pool. Its me, I'm that guy.
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Oct 2, 2016 21:11
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Historical Wizards posted:I'm getting rung up by the cashier with a sizeable line behind me. I argue with the cashier about the price of almost every item, claiming 'buy two get one free' deals and pulling out last week's advertisements and claiming they should still give me the discounts. After the cashier has completely finished ringing me up, there is one more thing. "I have some coupons." I say smugly, I reach into my pocket, but there are no coupons there. I begin playing pocket pool. Its me, I'm that guy.
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Oct 2, 2016 21:31
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*decimates chips*
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Oct 2, 2016 21:33
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my captors have led me to the gallows, a crowd is cheering as they place a noose round my neck while an angry chap reads off my crimes. people throw rotten tomatoes and eggs at me, jeering, spitting, i feel a rock strike my head and the warm rush of blood running down my face. suddenly everyone goes quiet, i can hear a gasp from a woman in the front row. i realize now that i am masturbating furiously, a sheepish grin creeps over my lips as i address the angry mob, "sorry... it's just a compulsive habit... not your fault... just let me finish up here..."
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Oct 2, 2016 21:54
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i can hear the velociraptors approaching, my companions freeze in fear as i remind them that it's their fault we are here. i suggest that we hobble karen and leave her as bait so we can escape because it was her idea to stop and try to save the others, we could have made it to the helicopter if we'd just run. they angrily tell me to shut up, to stop moving because the dinosaurs see their prey by tracking movement. everything seems fine for a moment, it seems like it's working and they can't see us... then one turns its head and locks eyes with me, i'm confused... how can they see us!? oh haha... thats right i'm compulsively masturbating again, i wonder if i can finish before the hungry velociraptor reaches me...
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Oct 2, 2016 22:04
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I flip on my lights as I come up behind you. You don't realize that I'm pulling you over at first, so I flip on the siren a couple of times but I don't leave it on because I'm not sure but I don't think you're gonna run. Just as I'm beginning to think I might be wrong here, you calmly pull over to the side of the road. "License and registration," I say. "I just have to reach into the glove box, Officer," you reply. You take your eyes off me and my shiny, shiny badge, taking just a moment to retrieve the necessary documents. You turn back to hand them to me and freeze, your eyes widening. "Uh, Officer?" you say awkwardly as your gaze flicks down at me compulsively masturbating and then straight ahead once more. "Well, I'm kind of in the middle of something here so I think I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Drive safe, citizen."
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Oct 2, 2016 22:14
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Luvcow posted:i can hear the velociraptors approaching, my companions freeze in fear as i remind them that it's their fault we are here. i suggest that we hobble karen and leave her as bait so we can escape because it was her idea to stop and try to save the others, we could have made it to the helicopter if we'd just run. they angrily tell me to shut up, to stop moving because the dinosaurs see their prey by tracking movement. everything seems fine for a moment, it seems like it's working and they can't see us... then one turns its head and locks eyes with me, i'm confused... how can they see us!? oh haha... thats right i'm compulsively masturbating again, i wonder if i can finish before the hungry velociraptor reaches me...
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Oct 2, 2016 23:05
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Luvcow posted:i can hear the velociraptors approaching, my companions freeze in fear as i remind them that it's their fault we are here. i suggest that we hobble karen and leave her as bait so we can escape because it was her idea to stop and try to save the others, we could have made it to the helicopter if we'd just run. they angrily tell me to shut up, to stop moving because the dinosaurs see their prey by tracking movement. everything seems fine for a moment, it seems like it's working and they can't see us... then one turns its head and locks eyes with me, i'm confused... how can they see us!? oh haha... thats right i'm compulsively masturbating again, i wonder if i can finish before the hungry velociraptor reaches me...
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Oct 2, 2016 23:36
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It's me, always in the back waiting watching. I constantly flaunt my few skills, perfectly honed hands performing their best while you watch in awe and silence and most never watch at all. I harbour a nagging doubt that I've lived too narrow of a life and have cultivated a skillset that won't let me thrive anywhere else if I am ever torn from my duties. But you don't care. You never care. And that's why I follow you around, taking everything you love and shredding it to bits, leaving a neat pile of debris where your hopes and dreams once sat whole. You stopped taking me to parties when you realized I only post up in the kitchen, immovable until it's time to leave. By then, nothing but destruction lies in my wake. You don't trust me anymore and hide all of your most important documents when you invite me over. It's me. Compulsively, Master Grating |
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Oct 3, 2016 16:30
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ugh, another new director. where do they keep finding these guys? I swear I could switch places with him and deliver this lame, chastising rant to him word for loving word. yes, I realize there are children in the audience, yes, I realize there is a centuries old reputation at stake here. you know what else I know? that you're not going to do a drat thing other than make me sit here and listen to you vent your bullshit because you can't replace me. that leotard that outlines my boner so magnificently, that leaves just enough to the imagination, that makes it irresistible...you know that no one can step into it and do the things that I do. my grace and power is transcendent and you will put up with all my "eccentricities" for the opportunity to bathe in its shining light for a glorious instant. I'm "that guy". I'm the darling of the Bolshoi Ballet and a compulsive masturbator..
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Oct 3, 2016 16:48
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well sure it's superficially catchy, but it doesn't really compare to the artistry of true pop classics . . . it's no "Turning Japanese" is what I'm saying, it lacks the subtle sophistication of Cyndi Lauper's "She Bop," the raw pathos of The Who's "Pictures of Lily," the driving energy of Elvis Costello's "Pump it Up," um is it getting warm in here?
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Oct 3, 2016 20:50
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Historical Wizards posted:I'm getting rung up by the cashier with a sizeable line behind me. I argue with the cashier about the price of almost every item, claiming 'buy two get one free' deals and pulling out last week's advertisements and claiming they should still give me the discounts. After the cashier has completely finished ringing me up, there is one more thing. "I have some coupons." I say smugly, I reach into my pocket, but there are no coupons there. I begin playing pocket pool. Its me, I'm that guy. Luvcow posted:i can hear the velociraptors approaching, my companions freeze in fear as i remind them that it's their fault we are here. i suggest that we hobble karen and leave her as bait so we can escape because it was her idea to stop and try to save the others, we could have made it to the helicopter if we'd just run. they angrily tell me to shut up, to stop moving because the dinosaurs see their prey by tracking movement. everything seems fine for a moment, it seems like it's working and they can't see us... then one turns its head and locks eyes with me, i'm confused... how can they see us!? oh haha... thats right i'm compulsively masturbating again, i wonder if i can finish before the hungry velociraptor reaches me... social vegan posted:It's me, always in the back waiting watching. I constantly flaunt my few skills, perfectly honed hands performing their best while you watch in awe and silence and most never watch at all. I harbour a nagging doubt that I've lived too narrow of a life and have cultivated a skillset that won't let me thrive anywhere else if I am ever torn from my duties. But you don't care. You never care. And that's why I follow you around, taking everything you love and shredding it to bits, leaving a neat pile of debris where your hopes and dreams once sat whole. You stopped taking me to parties when you realized I only post up in the kitchen, immovable until it's time to leave. By then, nothing but destruction lies in my wake. You don't trust me anymore and hide all of your most important documents when you invite me over. It's me.  
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Oct 4, 2016 01:25
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i have a CoeXisT bumper sticker and i blow an air horn every time i send someone to BLOCK HEVEAN!!!
☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭☭ |
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Oct 4, 2016 08:52
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*turns to liquid metal and oozes under door* uh, is this bathroom VEGAN FRIENDLY????
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Oct 4, 2016 16:53
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