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Milkfred E. Moore posted:The year is 2061 and the world is ending. Disagree with DropTheAnvil; first sentence is fine, sets up genre and plot. Maybe "It's 2061 and..." quote:Sabra Kasembe, erstwhile savior of the world, hones her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse, unsure whether her dreams paint her as a humane champion or blood-soaked harbinger. Champion of what? "Harbinger" looks weird without an object; I think I'd rephrase. "Erstwhile" seems tautological. What does "honing her mind and body for her prophesied apocalypse" mean? It sounds like she's training to end the world this time. quote:When an explosion rips through downtown Geneva, her investigation brings her face to face with none other than her nemesis-turned-ally Jack Harper. "Downtown" sounds out of place; how about "central"? Cut "face to face" and "none other than". That's nitpicks, but the second paragraph is awkwardly phrased and doesn't make much sense (NB I haven't read the first book): quote:But Harper comes with a warning. There's an insidious threat aimed at the heart of Sabra's lover, a vast paramilitary conspiracy of living legends and extant saviors. If Harper is her ally now, shouldn't "but" be "and"? General Battuta already noted the dangling modifier, but the subordinate clause is simultaneously overstuffed with information ("vast", "paramilitary", "living legends and extant saviors") and vague (living legends of what? Saviors of what? What's the conspiracy trying to do, and why is is so uninterested in her lungs?). Also, reconsider "extant". quote:To stop them, Sabra must unleash Harper upon an unsuspecting Geneva, even if it risks flirting with the apocalypse that simmers in her wake. "risks flirting" is a tautology here. Also, maybe cut "that simmers in her wake" or change it to "...in her future" - sounds like the apocalypse already happened. quote:Because Sabra must hone her soul to save Revenant's life no matter the cost--or Sekhmet will light her raging funeral pyre in the heart of the Functioning World. Why "because"? What's "honing her soul"? Who's Revenant, and why is she in danger? I assume Sabra's lover, but it's muddled. Who's Sekhmet? Who's the antecedent of "her"? What's the Functioning World? Also, it looks like Sabra's the protagonist, and the story is about saving Revenant, but the plot description makes Harper look like the person actually doing everything. And there's a lot of apocalypse talk - is it going to pay off?
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Apr 15, 2024 14:18
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I think overall my advice is the same as with many query letters - you're including too much information that's important to your story, but not important to the story of the query letter. Drop, simplify, outright lie if you have to. There's also some missing information. What's bad about Harper, what's he gonna do to Geneva? Do these people have superpowers of some kind? What does 'hone her soul' mean and who's Sekhmet? I think for the sake of structure it could use a third paragraph. There's just something nice about that "hook, meat, stinger" structure.
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Apr 15, 2024 14:52
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Thank you all for the feedback! It'll give me some good thoughts to mull over as I finish this thing off. Playing with a third paragraph will probably be necessary. The familiarity the ideal reader should have, whether they should have read Shadow before getting to Wake or whether they shouldn't need to, is something I've gone back and forth on.
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Apr 15, 2024 23:24
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If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents.quote:David Oliver was a celebrity chef and TV personality. Then he died. Then, things got interesting. The name of the book is Celebrity Isekai! With Your Host, Wulfgar Bloodraven.
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Apr 18, 2024 16:56
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What if isekai's were an interdimensional exchange program? Like, one depressed teen gets sent to a fantasy world, and Gnock the Bloodless replaces them in high school. Or would that be double the work / too much plot for readers to follow? tbh I don't like isekais and think Truck-kun is a menace. It did kind of break my brain for a sec when I realized my favorite childhood movie also counts as one. TRON In other news, it took me 14 chapters but I've been calling back to some details I put into the first one, and it feels good to Checkhov some guns.
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Apr 18, 2024 17:22
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Waffle! posted:What if isekai's were an interdimensional exchange program? Like, one depressed teen gets sent to a fantasy world, and Gnock the Bloodless replaces them in high school. Or would that be double the work / too much plot for readers to follow? If anyone's interested in comps like this, Seanan McGuire's Wayward Children books are sort of similar in premise. There's a boarding school for children who have fallen into other realities and need to learn how to be "normal"/function in the real world again after their isekai worlds have chewed them up and spat them back out again. It, predictably, severely traumatizes them.
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Apr 18, 2024 17:43
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Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:12
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Mirage posted:Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. Alice in Wonderland, too. Nonetheless I think they're mostly lazy. I also think that about plenty of genres that have great versions showing what the genre can accomplish.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:26
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Mirage posted:Homer's Odyssey and Lucian's Voyage to the Moon are technically "isekai" stories, it's not a new concept. Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. Reincarnated On Winter As A Misogynist???
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Apr 18, 2024 18:26
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Mirage posted:Don't feel like you have to hate on the "stranger in a strange land" concept just 'cause it's popular now. This might be my issue. I like reading r/hfy, but so many stories recycle the "reincarnated in a magic world" trope and I lose interest almost immediately. One series I have been enjoying is Wearing Power Armor to a Magic School, because it's less reincarnation hand-waving and more Stargate.
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Apr 18, 2024 18:49
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I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done
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Apr 18, 2024 19:01
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Stuporstar posted:I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done Yeah isekai peaked with CS Lewis
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Apr 18, 2024 19:14
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Stuporstar posted:I just wanna read about Gnock the Bloodless teleporting into an ordinary high school. I don’t give a poo poo about the kids in fantasy land, cause that’s so done
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Apr 18, 2024 19:15
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. The overall premise sounds funny and cool. Most isekai stories have a hook around what the hero becomes (a goblin, a spider, etc) so having the character hook be related to his normal life feels fresh. In terms of the query structure, it feels weird that you introduce the thief's name and then belatedly tell me he's one and the same with the guy from the first paragraph. Why not just say "David is reincarnated as master thief Nome Ammos" ? In the third para, I'm a bit confused by the mechanics of the whole thing. Does the story take place mainly on Earth on in the fantasy world? Because "restored to life" makes it seem like he gets yanked back to Earth again. Other things I'd like to see is more about the stakes--what does David want? and the unique hook--how is being a celebrity chef going to change how he interacts with the typical isekai plot structure?
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Apr 20, 2024 10:52
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. Are you intending that people should think of Jamie Oliver? Because people are going to think of Jamie Oliver.
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Apr 20, 2024 12:54
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HopperUK posted:Are you intending that people should think of Jamie Oliver? Because people are going to think of Jamie Oliver. Sailor Viy posted:In terms of the query structure, it feels weird that you introduce the thief's name and then belatedly tell me he's one and the same with the guy from the first paragraph. Why not just say "David is reincarnated as master thief Nome Ammos" ? Sailor Viy posted:In the third para, I'm a bit confused by the mechanics of the whole thing. Does the story take place mainly on Earth on in the fantasy world? Because "restored to life" makes it seem like he gets yanked back to Earth again. Sailor Viy posted:Other things I'd like to see is more about the stakes--what does David want? and the unique hook--how is being a celebrity chef going to change how he interacts with the typical isekai plot structure? Thanks for the thoughts, this is a big help.
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Apr 20, 2024 15:53
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Safety Biscuits posted:Disagree with DropTheAnvil; first sentence is fine, sets up genre and plot. Maybe "It's 2061 and..." A year is not a setting, unless you are writing historical fiction. I have no idea what the year 2061 means. Is it post apocalyptic? Are Flying Fart Devices (FFD's) a thing now? Has humanity given up free will in exchange for that sweet sweet 10 pull on the gacha of life? Just saying "My novel takes place in the year 2061" doesn't add much to the setting, except to let the reader know its 37 years in the future.
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Apr 20, 2024 16:37
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I had this idea like an intergalactic Iron Chef, that followed Robert Irvine using his big muscles to subdue alien ingredients.
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Apr 20, 2024 17:21
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Waffle! posted:I had this idea like an intergalactic Iron Chef, that followed Robert Irvine using his big muscles to subdue alien ingredients. This sounds like Catherynne Valente’s Space Opera but with cooking and I am here for it 
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Apr 20, 2024 18:33
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DropTheAnvil posted:A year is not a setting, unless you are writing historical fiction. 2061 means I'm going to be disappointed if Halley's comet doesn't figure in somehow.
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Apr 20, 2024 19:25
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Mirage posted:If y'all don't mind, I have a blurb I've been messing with for so long that I feel like I've lost objectivity. I think I need a few more eyes on it before I begin sending it to agents. A standard query letter devotes ~250 words to the blurb text, so you've got room to expand this quite a bit. I'd also agree with Sailor Viy that the David/Nome reveal feels disjointed in such a small space, and that this would be strengthened by giving us a sense of the personal stakes for David. Isekai is a hard sell in tradpub right now, but agents are really hoping to find a breakthrough book, so if you position this right (maybe with the Space Opera comp Stuporstar suggested to show the appeal to more traditional SF readers) then you could be in with a chance.
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Apr 21, 2024 11:30
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