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The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > The Customer is Always WRONG
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Manifisto


 customer: say, does--

me: no.

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 15:41
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# ? Apr 16, 2024 10:46
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I Was The Fury

Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

 customer: Good afternoon! Sure is a scorcher today, huh?

Me: uh yeah, how can I help?

Me, internally: actually, you loving MORON, it is the period of time officially referred to as evening now, and it isn't a scorcher today because human skin gets scorched at a MUCH higher temperature, you loving idiot

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 16:12
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Arrhythmia
 customer: Could I return these shoes I bought yesterday? They're a bit too narrow.

:cool: : Sure, I just need to see your receipt.

customer: Here you go.

*quickly stuffs receipt into my mouth before chewing and swallowing*

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 16:31
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vanisher

LawfulWaffle posted:

Customer: Do you need my social?
Me: No, you idiot. I don't need your social. If I needed your social I would ask for it. Jesus.
Customer: Sorry.
Me: Yeah, I bet. Sorry for asking another stupid question and making me waste my time and breath answering you. Just, maybe, I don't know, think before you speak next time.
Customer: Okay, sorry.
Me: Whatever. What's your case number?
Customer: I don't know it.
Me: You don't have your case number?
Customer: No
Me: You're a real piece of work, you know that. You must have some giant balls to call us without your case number memorized or right in front of your dumb dumb face. Your time's so much more valuable than mine that you can be bothered to do even a baseline of work before engaging in this agonizing interaction. Is that it? You're just better than me?
Customer: No, I-
Me: Save it. I don't need you to lie to me.
Customer: ...
Me: *sigh* What's your social?

lol

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 16:43
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vanisher

 Cashier: You want bags for this? Their 10c each in California now.

Customer: No thanks

Cashier: Really, you have like... 16 cans of soup here. Can you really carry all that?

Customer: doesnt your store still offer me 'help to my car'?

Cashier: how are you going to get those cans out of your car though smart guy? One at a time like a chump?

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 16:48
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HotSoapyBeard

I'm a really cool nice dad
HAIKOOLIGAN
Customer: "2+2=3"
My boss: *implodes*
Me: *high-fiving the customer* "Looks like I've got the rest of the day off" :grin:

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 17:02
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Dr Cheeto
 Hello I'm unsatisfied with the quality of this thread, can I make a return?

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 17:13
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HaveARottenDay

 Customer : Hey which of these prices are corre...

*I depants the customer in front of everyone*

Me: Haha! You look like an idiot right now!

Customer: Noooooooo... *sobs*

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 17:14
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Ahundredbux

The right to bear arms

Arrhythmia posted:

customer: Could I return these shoes I bought yesterday? They're a bit too narrow.

:cool: : Sure, I just need to see your receipt.

customer: Here you go.

*quickly stuffs receipt into my mouth before chewing and swallowing*

:roflolmao:

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 19:51
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the littlest prince

Dr Cheeto posted:

Hello I'm unsatisfied with the quality of this thread, can I make a return?

Did you read the return policy? I mean let's be honest, the answer is no, else you wouldn't be asking that asinine question in the first place. Do you need a copy of it? Of course you do, because you probably don't even have a receipt, upon the back of which, this is all printed. And yes, I'll be soooooo glad to sit here and wait while you take your time meandering through it. Because clearly, if you weren't an ignoramus, you would have picked up on the fact that the answer is No. No, you can't return the thread.

*is hoping he notices me twirling my hair and asks me out*

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 21:55
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lmbo calrissian

i'm into fashion
men are my passion
my lifelong fantasy is peeing on a customer

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 21:56
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Munchables

Ask/tell me about legal cannibalism

 Me: Hey customer
Customer: Yeah?
Me: SIKE!

* # ? Apr 5, 2017 22:22
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Randaconda

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
*asks you to load three hundred pound stove in the back of my pick-up*

*doesn't lift a finger to help although i'm a 6'3" able bodied man*

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
* # ? Apr 6, 2017 12:01
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Entropic

patriarchy sucks
 Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?

* # ? Apr 6, 2017 15:54
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I Was The Fury

Always stop to smell the flowers, just in case they're weeds

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?
* # ? Apr 6, 2017 16:05
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google THIS

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?
* # ? Apr 6, 2017 18:07
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Manifisto

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?

lol

* # ? Apr 6, 2017 18:14
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Macnult

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?
* # ? Apr 6, 2017 19:24
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Rags to Liches

future skeleton soldier

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?

Well duh, how else are you gonna get rid of viruses

* # ? Apr 6, 2017 19:29
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Breetai

🥄Mah spoon is too big!🍌
Customer: I appear to be having a problem with my computer's CD-ROM drive.

Me: THAT'S A CUPHOLDER YOU MISBEGOTTEN CUCK!

* # ? Apr 6, 2017 23:32
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Twenty Four


 "Hey hows it going tonight?"

Customer / person working / it doesn't matter "Good morning!"

It is 12:01AM this is not the morning go to hell. This is literally midnight. Middle of the night.

I don't care who you are but you are wrong.

* # ? Apr 7, 2017 01:01
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little munchkin

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?

it's like, how do guys like that even remember to breathe

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
* # ? Apr 7, 2017 04:11
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joke_explainer

Twenty Four posted:

"Hey hows it going tonight?"

Customer / person working / it doesn't matter "Good morning!"

It is 12:01AM this is not the morning go to hell. This is literally midnight. Middle of the night.

I don't care who you are but you are wrong.

ugh, same, except they'll be like 'morning!' at 12:01 PM and I have to explain to them that that part of the day after the morning, after noon? We call it 'AFTERNOON'.

* # ? Apr 7, 2017 09:18
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Lutha Mahtin

Your brokebrain sin is absolved...go and shitpost no more!

Ahundredbux posted:

Customer: I'm gonna buy this apple
Me: OK
Customer: then I'm going straight to the doctors office
Me: :what:
* # ? Apr 7, 2017 18:01
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Ahundredbux

The right to bear arms

Entropic posted:

Had a customer come in to pick up his computer this morning, and he calls back an hour later, get this, complaining about the bees!
I tell him, it's a Windows 7 machine man, you're gonna have a few bees in there.
He gets all mad and says there weren't bees when he brought it in.
Well no poo poo sherlock, what do you think we do here?
lmao

* # ? Apr 8, 2017 18:19
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Queen-Of-Hearts

"I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"

FactsAreUseless posted:

Customer: My laptop is broken because of viruses.

Me: Is it because of porn?

Customer: No.

Me: C-cool, I, uh, I have sex as well.


:h: sig by Prof. Crocodile:h:
:byodame:BYOB spells: Mutually Assured Kindness:byodame:

* # ? Apr 9, 2017 14:16
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# ? Apr 16, 2024 10:46
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PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
i teach english grammar. i. . . *voice wavers* i teach grammar. english grammar. my poor students. *openly sobbing* my poor, poor students. english grammar. ENGLISH GRAMMAR! *rocking back and forth while making a high pitched keening noise*

crimes

* # ? Apr 10, 2017 15:13
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The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > BYOB Goldmine: Gold Mango > The Customer is Always WRONG
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