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Greetings and Happy 2018 I shall be short. I am in the middle of an interactive project. I seek brutal critique. The formal background of where the text comes from will not be of interest right now. The medium I am conducting this on is both optical and textual. Seeing as this can cause some problems, as well as muddy up what I'm looking for, I have gone through and isolated the text from the visual, which I will provide beneath every image post. The following issues will be of my requested focus. That of the text by itself, stripped of its visuals. Does it make sense; Does it succeed for the atmosphere you think its trying to achieve; Would you read this to the end; And in terms of visuals, are the pictures readable and captivating enough to enhance the text; Any and all comments appreciated~ (Erotic content will be put on imgur/pastebin and marked as NSFW) quote:THE SIXTH BUILDING quote:It's up to you. You've suspended your disbelief, the only companion to take your out of this, you breathed with a certain calm, the wheel spinning inside your head, and for now, thinking with endurant patience. The spring was ending after all, and the day was silently coming to its end. Only the present remained. quote:An empty space appears before you. You’re inside the elevator. A whimper came out of you, immobile you glance around. There are no controls on this thing, and the immaculate state of it reminds you of quieter times. quote:You raised your head. The soft light was satisfying to look at, even if the feeling of intimacy were not reciprocated. You pulled out your multi-tool, arms raised. Too far away to reach. You took a breath. There were numerous objects you could use as a platform. You thought you saw some stool or half steady wooden ladder above, maybe something else to try and reach it. Or maybe you could think of something else... quote:Your head remained upwards, a discussion erupted inside your mind about crossing over it. The light above gleamed above you, yet underground. Would phosphorescence finally illuminate your thoughts? quote:A slight twitch ambushed your body. Something had been bothering you, and you’d been sure it wasn’t your stomach yet. You looked around, and it became clear that the walls surrounded the elevator’s frame, to it its design, to you its confinement. There was no way down, a direction you hadn’t been sure had been your goal. What had been your goal anyways? To free yourself? Of what? Free of the earth, free of the people, free of yourself? Too many questions, distant as well, yet as inescapable as your body was to your own bowels. quote:You announce your presence, awaiting in fantasy what sort of creatures lurk behind the jagged. Only the fine particles in the air were moved by your introduction, their tears a bit dry for your taste. concrete shadows.. A little more than half a minute passes before you disperse with the daydreaming again. TheGreekOwl fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Jan 3, 2018 |
# ? Jan 1, 2018 00:20 |
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# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:51 |
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quote:It had been said, back before the world had gotten into the mess that it was, that the sixth building, the only one remaining in that area, was once a hospital, specializing in mentally ill patients, that was abandoned at the beginning of the world war. Other said it was simply another horrid building from the post-war era, a shanty box to put dissidents in. Either way, what was now a crumbling rundown structure, soon to join its five other friends, had beyond its years ordeals which hid from the foliage outside to the walls that were once painted teal, to the pained feeling these doors gave when opened. Some said the sixth building, the only one remaining in that area, used to be an asylum and had been abandoned at the beginning of the world war. Other said it was another horrid building from after the war, a shanty box to put dissidents in. Either way, it was now a crumbling rundown structure, You entered looking for something among the dusted glass and rusted remains of objects, dim in the reflected moonlight. It was November, and the cold was digging into your bones, the melancholy of the weather just part of the short days at the end of spring. The whistling wind always came at midnight, whistling a heavier weight on to you, one that you were prepared for, yet also somehow wanting. The building had no basement. There wasn't even a scent to it, unlike the ruined floor above. You were surprised to find elevators down there, unlike any you had ever seen. A blade of light appeared, light spilling from one of the elevators, spread wide, soaking the wall and floor in front of you with a wash of other-worldly shine. This was where the real ended and the dream begun, the pill that bridged two worlds, the end of the river that your old friends daydreamed about. Those that searched the darkest places and never came back again. You had grown up, and wondered what golden line they had crossed that took them away from you. But that was all old tears, their tracks long ago dried.
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# ? Jan 1, 2018 01:59 |
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Happy New Year for reals~ I'm compiling the rest of the text I've written before at the moment. This will be the first batch, as there are a few more that I cannot post today. quote:Quite the imaginative being you had been. You even entertained the thought of letting the repose of sleep take legs to your mind. Maybe sweeter worlds could be found there. It had a certain pull on you. What had been at first a lowly thought now seemed like a symbol, an effort that had to be worked for. But still, it would be a mortal mistake to go to sleep at such a place. Sweeter worlds, you thought. Sweeter, but unreal. But hadn’t germs been as unreal? Wasn’t the emergence of multi celled organisms, things beyond his senses, equally as a construct as his deepest fantasies? Isn’t the real what he had evolved to perceive? It didn’t matter. The respites he brought on by thought ate away at his focus. quote:You were now able to reflect on the mirror, and the mirror to reflect back to you. Seemed like quite a short-lived adventure to get here. You held your face staring at it, almost having felt a tight breeze skim through your face. Lips went dry, throat too. You took self-control and focused on your face. Still quite young, wrapped in this wall of flesh. Thankfully you’d stopped smoking cigs a long time ago. When they’d have to open you up, the meds wouldn’t need to cringe too hard. Either way, you were still fine display, even if that wasn’t your intention. quote:A marble of sweat form on your forehead. And in that moment, you didn't regret a single step you take towards this. quote:Hands are raised, a brief momentary reluctance being only that, the mirror’s dirty surface touched, caressed, pressed into them. That hadn’t been it. An unconventional entrance you thought, a false conception of what had been at issue the image looked back to you. https://i.imgur.com/VDzmNZz.mp4 quote:Kaleidoscope visions dance through your eyes, strange incomprehensible pictures hang and crawl through a scarlet night. A burning sensation envelops you. quote:CAN YOU HEAR ME BODY? CAN YOU HEAR THE VOICES OF REGRET? CAN YOU HEAR THE COWARD? CAN YOU HEAR YOURSELF? quote:“YOU HAVE SEARCHED FOR THE LIGHT. I CAN ONLY POINT YOU TOWARDS IT. PRAY THAT YOU DO NOT FALL IN THE DARKNESS quote:Then you put back all the piece together. You were able to see, with perfect insight what had happened. Your life hadn’t changed in the slightest. Not your material life. But you mind had been blessed, even so lightly. On this beautiful night, you realized you had been playing this game wrong. You set your eyes forward, you could see. TheGreekOwl fucked around with this message at 06:35 on Jan 3, 2018 |
# ? Jan 2, 2018 02:40 |
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I find this type difficult to read on the the images. Anyone else having this problem? I think it's the font. Maybe try looking at http://www.blambot.com/ for a font that has a similar techno feel but is easier on the eyes?
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 01:06 |
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Oh boy I'm normally out of my element when critting stories, I might as well be in outerspace critting words + pictures. But let's give it a shot. First off, having pictures is like sweet rear end CHEAT MODE for stories. Heck yeah , now you can use adverbs since you have the picture there. He looked around ,scared. BOOM you can display what scared looks like in the picture. Reading through your second image you have a weird tense issue. Decide if you are past tense or present tense, you flip flop between the two making the piece hard to read. You need to rewirte the second sentence of your second image. Way too many commas, way too many tense issues. Your prose is good, Im getting a sense of loneliness and enduring something from this image. Also seems we are getting a segue into weirdtown. Third image now. Again with the tense issues. Nothing came out of him, it should of come out of him because it's present tense. PICK YOUR TENSE. In fact I would go over this third image with an editor. Donkeysish insistence? Neither the elevator, neither the radior(Should be neither the elevator or the radio). The third image I dislike. You try for prose, you don't really succeed and the story gets wooo psychodelic/Silent hill. You seem to be going for some surreal thing here. Also did the elevator move? Im confused at the end of the third image. Fourth Image. Ouch, we got some major ESL stuff that I pointed out to you in IRC. Lot of badly translated sentences. So I think you are going for wonder and exploration in this image. You pull it off, but we trip over a couple bad sentences. The one Im pointing out here make sense, but are odd enough to make me pause. You threw, the rock flew upwards the light, devoured by it but not coming back. (could be rewritten to be more concise) The short suspense left you hushed. (replace suspense with moment?) There was a chink in the marble here so to speak, something was amiss here. (You repeat yourself, so choose one or the other and get rid of the other part). Im gonna pause there, but man these images are GREAT. The images look really well and serve your atmosphere and tone. Im getting what you are laying down, creepy elevator leading to some weird light in some apocalyptic thing. Your story though, is riddled with some tense issues. Overall Im getting a sense of loneliness, exploration and ascension.
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 05:06 |
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Ccs posted:I find this type difficult to read on the the images. Anyone else having this problem? I think it's the font. Greetings~ Of hello, I redid most of the images with a clearer, larger more readable font, as well as upping the resolution by 100px as well (all images are 800 by 1400 now) I hope it is smooth. With Regards
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 06:36 |
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Final batch, ohey. After this, I will be at the point of writing I was before I started the thread. I will now look back at my writing with the help of crits. quote:You picked up the pillow and rushed over the edge, your mind drawing with anticipation. You freezed, keeping it together as your eyes peered down. You had been sure that the elevator must have hit the ground like a chembomb, fearing it took the ladder with it. quote:You turned your head behind, doubting your actions. A few careless moves could bring you closer to the unknown. What had been left to see here exactly? You’d reach the star you had been searching for, and now it had been time to come down again, so to speak. It’d been a bit maddening, but you were never one to indulge in self-pity. quote:You still almost poo poo your pants. quote:
quote:A deep confusion was soon inflicted upon you. It dripped below, its path a bit unnatural, maybe a sign that it caused this whole scene. But beyond that, it almost tempted you, to get close, to taste it. You could reach out, unrushed and easy. See how it could react. But you couldn’t do this without asking first, even if the action would be something that you’d no way in hell do. You’d be sure that even jumping down would require permission. The only thing you wouldn’t tolerate would be hostility, its dreary bits looking quite sensitive to your fists, if you had to guess where to plow them before gunning for it.
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# ? Jan 3, 2018 08:31 |
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Greetings~ From this point on I have attempted to talk with editors and to get feedback. I hope that it is much clearer. Expect much crit! With Regards quote:You held still, a tension running down your body, trying to bolt it to the exit. You hadn’t even halted to give it kick. In the span of a few seconds though, a sickness had been inflicted on your body, unknown in form, but not so in its origin. As you held your face from the dizziness, your knees become weak, arms heavy, tasting the inevitable decline.
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# ? Jan 5, 2018 23:24 |
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# ? Apr 19, 2024 21:51 |
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Greetings~ This is the end of the prologue! Atleast I managed to reach this. 90 pictures, over 8800 words. Maybe crits will come after this too. Hope you enjoyed~ With Regards quote:Even pulling the robe around your body was beyond your capability. You laid on top of it, drained of energy, the full consequences of your foolish actions being quite clear. You’d been reduced to pure breathing, a cycle no louder than a whisper, demanding immense strength to maintain. You’d figured you drunk a relaxant, a powerful but also an anomalous one. How else could it drop you in seconds without killing you. Such silliness, but such obliviousness. These were the banes of mankind. Fruits paralyze, insects infest, predators maim, and in the end the poisonous water kills. quote:It blinked, the first time doing so since the two of you met, affirming its consciousness. It raised its arms, neither shaken or taken back, its palms sliding against your cheeks causing your body to tremble. Under this sensuous facade it seemed that it began lowering you, no recourse coming from your useless body, the needle-sharp hole endangering you only in your thoughts as you barely grazed it. Thus begins the Katabasis I will put into effect what little critique I've received. Please drop feedback from the stuff you have read if you have any comments.
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# ? Jan 10, 2018 17:00 |