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Removed for submission.
MartingaleJack fucked around with this message at 22:53 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Jan 15, 2018 01:28
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 20:47 |
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Removed for submission.
MartingaleJack fucked around with this message at 22:53 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Jan 17, 2018 08:05
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Removed for submission.
MartingaleJack fucked around with this message at 22:53 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Feb 1, 2018 04:59
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I chuckled a couple times and the concept is okay, but the narrator's constant and vocal horniness isn't so much humorous as it is annoying. Surely there is a way to make it quippy without making the narrator sound like someone out of an erotic fanfic?
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Feb 1, 2018 23:55
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Hey, I read the piece and enjoyed it. Grammar Look up Dialogue Tags, you have a few lines of dialogue that go "Dialogue," he said. "Dialogue." It should go "Dialogue," he said, "Dialogue." Story It's short, feel-good, comedy piece that lands most of its jokes. I agree with Sitting Here, the hornyness of the main protagonist grates after a while. I do like how the protagonist is featureless, we don't know if they are male or female (And it doesn't matter). The subject you discuss makes giving criticism a bit awkward. The piece, fortunately, doesn't get preachy, that isn't the right word for it, but it definitely comes off as "I am here to tech you things." That's not bad, and the piece is humorous enough to distract. I probably lean a bit conservative in my politics, and didn't trip over anything. The line "“This confirms that gender is a social construct," (She immediately writes down) was the most awkward line in the story(I thought it was a joke, the way it was written). I think this is a good story, and you have a definite audience in mind. The draw Every story has a draw, something to make the reader continue reading. Yours is definitely not the consequence or the protagonist facing a choice. Rather you went for the event, or the idea of your story. I wish you hadn't said it was Gender Scifi in your subject because that makes judging your draw harder to do. Should have left it as a surprise, so that the first line really could of sank in. Though, I haven't read anything like this before. I think the first line does a good job of explaining what the reader is getting setup, but I would get some second opinions and don't mention the piece is gender sci-fi comedy. Overall A great piece that can handle humour and its politically charged idea. Needs another lookover for grammar, but I did enjoy reading this.
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Feb 2, 2018 17:25
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 20:47 |
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Thanks to both of you. I'll see if I can do a draft with a less annoying POV. Edit: Removed for submission MartingaleJack fucked around with this message at 22:52 on Mar 30, 2018 |
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Feb 3, 2018 01:32
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