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bird.

So far I've only really thought about mapping it out and finding the shortest route but it turns out this problem is NP complete so I must approacj it from another angle

I know there's a big game here and a lot of people have expertise in this area, any tips for a novice?

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Manifisto


op, how many wigs / fake moustaches / pairs of sunglasses do you usually bring with u?

bird.

Manifisto posted:

op, how many wigs / fake moustaches / pairs of sunglasses do you usually bring with u?

i was under the impression that the trick here just go to the clothes section and keep swapping hats and jackets, then returning them to their respective rack, but you know wigs and moustaches sunglasses these could all be very good additions -- maybe i carry them in a postal bag

Manifisto


BrownianMotion posted:

i was under the impression that the trick here just go to the clothes section and keep swapping hats and jackets, then returning them to their respective rack, but you know wigs and moustaches sunglasses these could all be very good additions -- maybe i carry them in a postal bag

trying out different accents is good too

"mon dieu, zis fromage looks tres deliciouse! eet ees free you say? sacre bleu!"

bird.

yes but what about the other side of the problem, where there are so many different samples to get on a saturday that you can't possibly get all of them

Manifisto


"excuse me, I'm don costco, I own this place. I need to get to the front of this line to check sample quality, I'll just be a moment, sorry for the inconvenience folks!"

Randy Travesty

PHANTOM QUEEN


ok so, my brother and i have been discussing this & we've come up with a good plan:

you really need a team for this sort of large-scale heist. we're talking about the big take, not some small-time five-sample grab and go. you're going to need people on the inside, demonstrators who are contracted by the big guys in corporate to show off some of those tiny weiners in barbecue sauce and weird pub cheese in a plastic tub that never needs refrigeration.

you're going to also need someone in the pharmacy to stage a distraction so all the managers are over there, helping an elderly person with poor vision read every single line of the fine print before they sign for their prescriptions. i suggest your nana, or maybe someone's bubbe--maybe even a great-auntie, so long as they're trustworthy, vision impaired, very gentle and smell like lavender mothballs. you're going to need five minutes, and remember, that's all you're going to be able to get, unless nana has at least nine prescriptions for her bursitis, arthritis and any other -itses we olds get.

you're going to need to bring your own ziploc bags, some wheelies--can't risk being caught on inline skates, because that would be embarrassing as heck--and a tote bag for your "groceries" because you're "saving the earth" and not taking every last cocktail shrimp on a stick they have on offer.

plan goes as thus--you and your five closest pals arrive in pairs, using one costco membership per pair, because you can always bring a friend for free. stage it about a minute apart, none will be the wiser. rotate in a counter-clockwise round, hitting every sample stand, each of you getting a sample of what they have--then grab one of those cheap roasted chickens, check out (it's $5.95 before tax, so that's a heck of a deal and you can make meals for a week off of one, just do it), and meet back at the car. nana will still be filling prescriptions by the time you're out of the underpants and weird outdoor pavilion special order section, you'll have a feast fit for very small and not very hungry kings, and also maybe nana will take you out for ice cream afterward.

good luck. don't get caught. and for gods' sakes, no more of that awful salsa, it gives me heartburn.


WindmillSlayer

just cry


WindmillSlayer

[sobbing, snot running from my nose] can i please have another peice of peppermint bark my [INSERT RELATIVE HERE] just died. it was their favorite food. its like eating a little piece of them


WindmillSlayer

you also wont get kuru this way.


WindmillSlayer

im sorry i think i ended up missing the point of the thread


Gatekeeper

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.

Manifisto posted:

"excuse me, I'm don costcokirkland, I own this place. I need to get to the front of this line to check sample quality, I'll just be a moment, sorry for the inconvenience folks!"

ftfy :rolleye:

mags

I am a congenital optimist.
if a stack of dogs in a trenchcoat can do it, so can you

Jedrick

:420: There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high-powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.
Smoke weed every day.
:420:
The trick is to steal a uniform and bring in your own table and portable grill. Then just sit there all day preparing whatever you want.

cda

by Hand Knit

WindmillSlayer posted:

[sobbing, snot running from my nose] can i please have another peice of peppermint bark my [INSERT RELATIVE HERE] just died. it was their favorite food. its like eating a little piece of them

lol

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cda

by Hand Knit
find a magic lamp and make a wish, duh

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Slush Garbo

FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK
costco sample speedrunners usually use an exploit where you stand behind the sample person and spam the 'wrong shoulder tap' move, dodging left and right grabbing a sample on each move. you can clear a platter in under 30 seconds if your timing is good and your speedeating skill is maxed

Kthulhu5000

by R. Guyovich
Grab one of the giant bags of Doritos, discreetly open up one edge of it, and slip samples inside. If you're asked why you're coming back for seconds, thirds, sixths, whatever, just shrug. Costco employees are trained to not provoke or upset the wildlife.

I've heard people have managed to sneak out the equivalent's worth of plates of ravioli, spring rolls, cheesecake, sausage, and flat screen TVs this way.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Why hasn't anyone said the obvious and use the Jedi mind trick!

Me *waving hand and waggling fingers*: I haven't been here before.

Costco Employee: Uh, yes you have...

Me *waggling fingers more desparately*: I said I haven't been here before to sample the awesome yummyness!

Costco Employee: Go ahead and take whatever you want, I don't care- here, I'll eat a few *gobbles down some bacon-wrapped goodies* See?

Me: I can't believe that actually worked! *grabbing many bacon-wrapped goodies and stuffing them in the pockets inside of my pockets*

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

Zeluth

by Fluffdaddy
Yes, I would like a taquito.

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rump buttman

I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili



Zeluth posted:

Yes, I would like a taquito.

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