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In March of 2018, Hot Dad was invited to one of Elon Musk's multifarious mansions for an undisclosed purpose. After arriving and discovering an empty home, he wandered into the kitchen to see if there was anything in the fridge as he had not eaten anything in over 22 hours. In the kitchen, he found a note that instructed him to meet Elon in the private observatory near the edge of the property. Hot Dad gazed up at the looming telescope and felt a sense of foreboding, a poignant jolt that would later turn out to be the very instinct he should've surrendered to as he walked to his destination. The second he entered the observatory, he was, with a certain civility, handcuffed by a Tesla factory robotic arm. The door slammed shut behind him. It was then that a video began playing on a large display within one of the walls. "Hello, Uncle E I'm sorry I couldn't meet you in person, but I have many deliberations to attend to at The Boring Company. You would likely find such talk quite . tedious, so I'll spare you the myriad details. Recently I have noticed my public image has been under attack by the media. I feel as though I am living my whole life under a microscope and my life is so, well, uncool. I mean, at this very moment in March of 2018, I don't even have a girlfriend, let alone a celebrity girlfriend. After browsing your analytics, my people tell me that you are an influencer capable of swaying the opinions of men age 18-35, my target investing audience. You see, I want—no, I need—you to make me a music video that portrays me as a 'cool' and 'epic' hero to the youths. My latest effort to attain rich, creamy coolness has been met with much press, but little admiration. If someone such as yourself were to make a song about me launching a car into space, I think that my public image could be, as my people tell me you say, ameliorated to its former glory of 'happy South African business man cherished by all men ages 18-35.' I, unfortunately, cannot pay you for your work because TSLA is down eight points today and I could be downright impecunious by tomorrow. What I can guarantee you is that this video will be seen by millions of people through an intense astroturfing campaign for which the mechanism is already in place. The final piece is you, Uncle E. It's you. The only thing standing between me and Gallup poll results showing that I'm legitimately an extremely cool hero is you. Everything you'll need is in this room, and you will be monitored constantly by three Tesla Model Xs with advanced beta self driving capabilities. You cannot leave until the song is complete, I assure you of this. Good night and good luck, Erik." "Why did he need to handcuff me if I'm already locked in this room and have to do something that requires my hands?" thought Hot Dad. He looked around the room and found a recording studio almost exactly like the one in his home. "Oh man, what has this creep Elon been up to?" Hot Dad knew that he couldn't risk releasing a video like Elon had described to his channel; it would result in his audience calling him a "sellout" and "unworthy of the Earth's true bounty". Alas, it was the only way that he could escape the lonely observatory. Lucky for Hot Dad—and highly unlucky for Elon—Hot Dad had a black belt in both computer hacking and code innovation. It would be simple. All he had to do was make the music video, and then exploit the beta software found on the three Tesla Model Xs to encrypt and scramble the video's data across all three Teslas so that the only way Elon could release the music video is if Hot Dad's face was recognized by all of the cars at once, something that could never happen (because of lots of crazy reasons). Despite Hot Dad's internal protestations about the labor, he knew he wouldn't be able to bear destroying an artwork such as he was being asked to make. This way, Elon would get confirmation that the music video was complete, but the public would never see it. With haste—and after his handcuffs were finally removed by the kindly robotic arm; by this point, he was actually starting to like the arm Hot Dad set about his work. August 2018 - "Elon must have simply forgotten the whole thing," he shouted aloud, startling his neighbor whilst collecting the morning paper. Since his time in the observatory, Hot Dad had thought little about his Elon incident and had not heard so much as a peep after his calculated and successful escape. Hot Dad had settled into a new—and now quite familiar and comfortable—routine of mowing his lawn in a diagonal pattern, and was about to start his new favorite morning activity when the phone rang. "Hello is this Erik Helog? This is also Eric, but spelled a 'C' and not a 'K.' I'm working with Bon Musk, the billionaire entrepreneur who co-founded the company PayPal, about an... encounter you had with some of his intellectual property. The way we see it, you have one month to release the video onto your YouTube channel and restore Elon's image, or we will release our footage of you that would convince any jury in the country to find you guilty on multiple counts of corporate espionage. We're fully aware of what you've done and we're sending the three Tesla horcruxes to your house in two weeks time. When they arrive, please decrypt the video and upload it to your channel—or face the wrath of all of Elon Enterprises, L3C." "Um, sorry but can you please not call them horcruxes?" Hot Dad retorted. "I mean, yeah, I guess it's a similar idea, but like, splitting up an encrypted archive has been around longer than the Harry Potter series and you're coming off as patronizing." [Peter B. added this this part because Hot Dad doesn't know anything about "Harry hello?"] Hot Dad felt an ache in his stomach, a genuine scintilla of shame, after realizing that he'd been talking on the phone after the other Eric had already hung up. How embarrassing. He had seen the news coverage about Elon breaking down, smoking illicit substances, generally acting foolish, and so much more, and realized that maybe Elon was trying out Plan A once again. It appeared as though there was no way out this time, and indeed, there wasn't. The only thing he could do was add in this preface text to the beginning of this video because from his cursory research, he knew that Elon didn't know how to read. Hot Dad didn't mow the lawn that morning, but he did learn a valuable lesson about friendship and corporate espionage and stuff. What you're about to see is a work that was entirely created under duress and does not represent the views of Hot Dad or Hot Dad's relatives, except maybe his brother, Torrence T, who is a hella big Musk fan and owns one of those The Boring Company hats and wears it all the time to the point that it has salt stains all over it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvSJORwb134
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# ? Feb 15, 2019 23:31 |
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# ? Mar 28, 2024 09:36 |
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 00:12 |
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love the thread title, but my eyes slide off the OP every time i try to read it managed to read this post just fine
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 01:06 |
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man that link is straight-up AIDS why did i clink on a link in GBS
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 01:17 |
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thanks Hot Dad
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 01:35 |
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how to change a tire or replece oil. You have to read the manual/.
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 01:48 |
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Soulkys posted:thanks Hot Dad same but i prefer taco bell christmas
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 03:29 |
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I wish Elon musk would send op to Kirk Johnson’s inner space
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 03:41 |
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I wish Elon would put himself into space and then burn up on reentry and his carbonized heart would streak through the sky and cave in my skull.
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:01 |
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he should put the cars up his rear end
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:09 |
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koprolit meteorite from God
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:09 |
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im not reading that
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:17 |
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Kessler syndrome but with Teslas.
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:19 |
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jimmyjams posted:he should put the cars up his rear end drat nigga, that’s a good joke
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:21 |
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jimmyjams posted:he should put the cars up op rear end fixed
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:30 |
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i like the hot dad songs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8G-8R5Vivkk
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:32 |
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Man, those 'Elon Musk sure is a weird dude!' takes just never get stale, do they?! I'm still lol'in my nuts off thinking about what a character that guy is. OP is just TOO straight on!!!
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 05:46 |
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Big Beef City posted:Man, those 'Elon Musk sure is a weird dude!' takes just never get stale, do they?! I'm still lol'in my nuts off thinking about what a character that guy is. u need some weed and beer imo
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 06:08 |
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let it mellow posted:u need some weed and beer imo hell yeah this guy gets it
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 07:28 |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TC02VaB1Rw
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 07:37 |
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let it mellow posted:u need some weed and beer imo weed and beer is why i clicked on that link and look where that got me
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 08:14 |
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# ? Mar 28, 2024 09:36 |
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I don't give two shits / one gently caress Two shits One fuuuuuck Two hoots / one drat Two hoots One dayyuummm
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# ? Feb 16, 2019 08:46 |