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I love beans. In all their myriad forms. I especially like the fact that biologically, there is no difference between peas and beans, and despite what my pedantic guests might have said, everything in this menu counts. And if it doesn’t count, well, it doesn’t matter, because I am not entering the competition really, I just wanted to join in! And as we progress through the courses, you will observe the depths of my failure, and how even supposedly experienced cooks can completely gently caress poo poo up and make a royal mess if they haven’t practised things… But that delight comes later. First, as always, I wanted to start the dinner in the vein in which I expected it to continue: we needed a strong drink. Apéritif: Sugar snap sour I love a sour, and the refreshing crispy flavour of green (that’s the only way I can think to describe it) from a raw sugar snap seemed like something that would work really well with the citrus and egg whites. So I began by creating an infusion:  About 200g of sugar snaps 350ml vodka Top and tail the sugar snaps, then roughly chop them, shove into a bottle and cover with the vodka  Infuse for three or four days in the fridge, and then strain out the sugar snaps and any debris using cheese cloth. At this point, it should smell of freshly cut sugar snaps and be the colour of springtime.  Rebottle and chill until ready to use. Which for the purposes of this post, is right now:  Per person: 50ml sugar snap vodka 50ml simple syrup Juice of 2 limes 1 egg white Angostura bitters Lime wedge and sugar snap for garnish Pour the vodka, lime juice, syrup and egg white into a shaker with plenty of ice Shake vigorously Strain over a lime wedge and raw sugar snap Add a few drops of bitters and serve  Phwoar! These were great. Refreshing, bracing, sour, sweet, fresh, all at the same time. This is definitely going to be something I do again. I think this would be a wonderful thing to have at a summer barbecue, it just tasted great. And it was a piece of cake to make the infused vodka, I would heartily recommend it. First official drink down (there may have been beers during the day), it was time to move onto the starter. Starter: Bean bruschetta There are three principle ingredients that make a good bruschetta of any kind. Good olive oil, good bread and good topping. I lacked the commitment or skill to make my own olive oil, but I could definitely do bread. And incorporate beans, because this is a bean challenge, and you’ve got to get beans in where you can.  200g cooked haricot beans 360g white bread flour ½ tsp dry active yeast 1 tsp salt Blend the beans and 125ml of water until smooth Stir together the flour, yeast and salt Add the pureed beans and a further 250ml of water Stir until blended, cover with cling film and rest for 24h at room temperature The dough is really wet, but it’s meant to be… Flour a work surface, place the dough on it and sprinkle the dough with a bit more flour Fold it over on itself once or twice, shape roughly into a ball, cover and leave for 2h Put a big pot into the oven and preheat to 230C Carefully take the bowl out, line with baking parchment and flip the dough into the pot Cover, bake for 30m, remove the lid and bake for another 10-15m until golden  Once cool enough to handle, get the bread out of the pot and set aside  Good bread is important, but it needs to be topped with something. In this case, I wanted to top the bread with two things: roasted garlic bean paste, and a tomato bean salad.  1 bulb of garlic 1 can of white kidney beans Juice of 1 lemon 1 tbsp olive oil Begin by chopping the top off the bulb of garlic, drizzling in olive oil, wrapping in foil and baking at 200C for 40m  Drain your beans into a jar and save for later  Squeeze the garlic into a blender, add the beans, oil and lemon juice, and blend until smooth And to go on top of the bean spread, we need tomatoes and beans!  2tbsp extra virgin olive oil 6 cloves of garlic, minced 500g cherry tomatoes, cut into eighths 2 cans rosecoco beans A glug of balsamic vinegar A bunch of basil leaves, roughly chopped Gently sauté the garlic in oil, and transfer to a bowl to cool Set aside a little of the basil, and toss the rest of the ingredients together Slice your bread and admire the crumb  Lightly toast the bread until golden brown, spread with the bean paste, top with tomato bean salad and garnish with some more basil  This was great. The bread was crunchy and delicious, the paste was rich and garlicky and the topping was garlicky in a completely different and amazing way. This was a fantastic starter, and a really good way to begin a meal. Unfortunately, this is when the wheels began to come off, and the next course marked the beginning of the descent into beany failure… Entrée: Bean battered fish with bean stew, butter bean mash and pickled beans I began by making a stew, the easiest and best thing to make with beans  200g chorizo 100g lardons 1 onion, finely diced 2 sprigs thyme 2 cloves garlic 4 bay leaves 1 tsp smoked paprika 400g red kidney beans 400g borlotti beans 2 jalapenos, finely diced 400g chopped tomatoes 100ml red wine Fry the lardons and chorizo over a low heat until loads of the fat renders out Drain the beans into the aquafaba jar  Sauté the onion until soft, add the herbs, spices and garlic, then the rest of the ingredients Bring to the boil, the reduce to a simmer and cook for 30m A traditional accompaniment to a good stew is mashed potatoes. But to use potatoes would be to miss a bean opportunity!  500g dried butterbeans, soaked overnight with 1 tsp of bicarbonate of soda 1 garlic clove, minced 200ml olive oil 1 small preserved lemon, leftover from ICSA lemon, skin and flesh finely chopped Drain the beans, put them in a large pan and cover with plenty of cold water Bring to the boil, then simmer gently for about an hour Drain (retaining the bean water) and put into the blender Gently fry the garlic in a bit of oil and add to the blender Add the preserved lemon, salt and pepper and 100ml of leftover bean water Blitz until smooth and transfer to a pan, to reheat when ready And before I move onto the first real error, I will just highlight one of my favourite parts of the meal, the pickled garnish  500g string beans, topped and tailed 125ml distilled malt vinegar 125ml water 20g salt 2 cloves garlic 1 tsp dry dill ½ dried scotch bonnet Sterilise a big mason jar In a large pan, stir together the vinegar, water and salt Add the garlic and chilli and bring to a rolling boil Pack the green beans into the jar, add the dill and pour over the brine Seal, allow to cool and store in the fridge until ready  Next, I wanted to have some battered fish. And it was during the preparation of the battered fish that I fully understood why you should practice things before inflicting them on your friends I made a batter, but forgot to take a photo of the mise en place, so instead have to describe it and show the results (or lack thereof) 400g dried chick peas 80g raw shelled prawns 1 small onion, diced 2 cloves of garlic, minced 2 eggs, beaten Four haddock fillets Soak the beans overnight, drain and blend with the prawns, garlic, onion and a little water Add the eggs and beat until fluffy  Pat each fillet dry, dredge in batter and deep fry until When this happened, I had to improvise: I put the fillets under the grill with some of the batter on top, until it browned nicely To serve, I put down a layer of stew, then mashed beans, the fried/grilled fish, garnished with pickled beans  Despite the failure of the battering, this was actually pretty good. The stew was spicy, the mash was tangy and delicious, the fish was nicely cooked and the pickled beans were fantastic. I had to bring the pickles to the table so that everyone could have extra… But the promise of battered fish was not delivered, and ultimately, this was a disappointment. After this relatively major error, it properly went wrong in the next course Dessert: Chocolate orange baked Alaska First, I made caramel orange sauce  150g sugar 60ml water 2 large oranges, juiced Combine the sugar and water in a small saucepan, stir over medium heat until the sugar dissolves Boil until a deep amber colour, then gradually add the orange juice while whisking fast Allow to cool and store in the fridge until ready Sauce done, it was time to make the first element in our baked Alaska  500ml whole milk 170ml double cream 195g sugar 2 egg yolks 1.5 tbsp cornflour 100g dry azuki beans 150g marmalade Soak the beans overnight and throw away the water Put in a pan with just enough water to cover, bring to the boil, chuck out the water Cover with water and simmer for an hour Add the sugar, simmer until you can draw a line on the base of the pan with a wooden spoon that holds for 2s Push through a sieve and allow to cool  Put the milk (saving 35ml) and cream into a pan and bring to a scald Beat the sugar and yolks together Take set aside milk and beat with the cornflour until a smooth paste Whisk the suspension into the hot milk, then slowly add to the eggs, whisking constantly Return the custard to the pan, whisk while heating gently and add the anko paste Put in the fridge overnight, then into an ice cream maker Once done, stir in the marmalade and transfer into a cling-film lined bowl, and freeze overnight The second element in baked Alaska is, of course, cake.  400g tinned black beans 4 eggs 80g butter 100g brown sugar 2 tsp vanilla paste 4 tbsp cocoa powder 1 tsp baking powder Place the beans and three eggs into a blender and blitz until smooth Beat the butter and sugar until light and creamy Add the vanilla and remaining egg and beat Sift in the cocoa and baking powder Pour in the beans and stir until smooth Pour into a greased floured baking pan  Bake at 170C for 35m and turn out onto a wire rack to cool Finally, it was time to fail at making meringue  500ml aquafaba (bean water) 300g granulated sugar 1 tsp cream of tartar 1 tsp vanilla paste In a clean mixing bowl, combine the aquafaba and cream of tartar Slowly whisk until foamy, then whisk faster and faster until it forms soft peaks  Slowly add the sugar and keep whipping, add the vanilla and beat until stiff peaks form  Lay down the cake onto an unlipped, greaseproof paper lined baking tray, spread with some more marmalade, then flip out the ice cream on top  Working quickly, cover the ice cream and cake with meringue, making sure to cover the entire confection to insulate it from the impending heat Bake for 10-15m at 230C and remove the delicious bake Alaska, hard crusted, soft meringue, with still frozen ice cream inside. Oh no wait, instead of doing this, my meringue immediately slid off the ice cream  Oven ruined, I pulled the sad ice cream and cake from the oven, meringue foam covering every surface nearby, except the one it was supposed to be on  Sadly, serve anyway, drizzled with orange caramel sauce  I think if I had set out to make ice cream cake, I would class this as a success: it was very tasty. But unfortunately, all my dinner guests knew I was trying to make a baked Alaska, and rushed into the kitchen to observe my pitiful failure when I let out a mournful howl of shame as I had the meringue disaster What we needed after this was a delicious drink. Unfortunately, we didn’t get one. Instead, we had something unpalatable that would have been improved by the absence of beans After dinner drink: Soyuz One of my favourite things to have after a big dinner is a delicious white Russian. And I thought that this challenge represented a chance to try this drink with a beany twist. I was wrong. First, I made soy milk. This was an error.  100g white soy beans 1 tsp vanilla paste Sugar to taste Soak the beans in 750ml water overnight Discard the water and rinse the beans Spend absolutely ages tediously removing the skins until late at night when you could have productively sleeping  Add 1L of water and blend until smooth Strain through cheesecloth into a pan, add the vanilla and bring to a scald Simmer for at least 20m, stirring frequently, and continue until reduced to a creamy consistency Add sugar until it tastes vaguely like terrible milk Allow to cool and refrigerate until ready to use  60ml vodka 30ml kahlua 60ml soy milk Ice Shake and pour over ice  Well, this was not a success. I have never had soy milk before, so I don’t really know what it’s supposed to taste like, or how it should react to being mixed with vodka and kahlua, but it wasn’t good: the milk on its own tasted very strange, and broke into unpleasant lumpy gunk when made into the cocktail… A failure on every level, it’s only redeeming feature was that it was strong enough to reward perseverance with liver damage. To sum up: Apéritif: Sugar snap sour Starter: Bean bruschetta Entrée: Bean battered fish with bean stew, butter bean mash and pickled beans Dessert: Chocolate orange baked Alaska After dinner drink: Soyuz I am being rather harsh on my efforts, but as is so often the case, while the meal itself may not have been a total success, good company made up for the failings in the dinner. We enjoyed the good bits, and laughed about the bad bits, and I’m relatively confident I haven’t done any permanent damage, or dissuaded my friends from coming round to eat strange foods. The aperitif and starter were really great, other than the fish batter, the main course was OK, but the pudding and white Russian can only be described as bean disasters. And the next day gas was excruciating. Scientastic fucked around with this message at 08:07 on Feb 26, 2019 |
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Feb 26, 2019 00:36
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 21:42 |
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Sugar snap infused vodka is a stroke of goddamn genius and now I have to try that myself.
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Feb 26, 2019 01:35
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I appreciate that you documented everything despite the fact that it didn't work out 100%. The bean bruschetta looks amazing
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Feb 26, 2019 02:08
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🍑💨💥
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Feb 26, 2019 03:42
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Real talk: your poo poo is creative and delicious sounding. I felt overwhelmed with my few components, and you not only executed a really intricate and creative meal, you made my wife nearly pee her pants laughing at your wordsmithery. Besides all that, I'd gladly eat and drink everything except the Sputnik, which I'd drink, just not gladly, out of solidarity. Thank you sir!
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Feb 26, 2019 03:51
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I want that brushchetta in my mouth. Posthaste.
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Feb 26, 2019 06:08
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Coasterphreak posted:Sugar snap infused vodka is a stroke of goddamn genius and now I have to try that myself. Yup. Sugar snaps are the best, and this is an amazing idea.
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Feb 26, 2019 15:42
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That bread though. Good lord man. Does egg white baked Alaska go in the oven, or no? I somehow vaguely remember it only getting a blowtorch, or a very short time under the broiler or whatnot.
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Feb 27, 2019 18:48
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Blowtorch is definitely cheating
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Feb 27, 2019 20:01
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Why did you put puréed shrimp into the batter for the fish?
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Feb 28, 2019 00:40
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That all looks really cool and way better than you are giving yourself credit for!  Except the soymilk white Russian. That looks so vile omggggg. I have never looked at a drink before and just felt... sadness.
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Feb 28, 2019 01:30
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Hutla posted:Why did you put puréed shrimp into the batter for the fish? I had a look at a lot of different recipes for akara, and the only one I could find that used fresh beans instead of already ground bean flour (which I didn’t want to use) also used ground up crayfish. Because it was the first time trying this, I didn’t want to mess with the recipe too much, in case it went wrong!
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Feb 28, 2019 08:18
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I think it's quite hard to make soy milk (especially if you're going for something approximating the big commercial brands). Homemade soy milk tends to have a significantly more beany flavor than the commercial stuff. During the grinding process there's a bunch of enzymes which produce a lot of the beany flavor, which is hard to avoid using at-home equipment. Once I get a good blender I intend to get good at soy milking though, it would be nice to be able to make my own.
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Feb 28, 2019 15:58
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Think I'm going to buy some vodka and some sugar snaps this weekend and try recreating that thing... Sugar snaps are great, sours are great, and drat does that drink look great.
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Mar 1, 2019 00:08
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 21:42 |
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Bravo, very creative meal and enjoyable post!
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Mar 1, 2019 15:02
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