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Can you imagine if comedian Rip Taylor were elected president in 2016 instead of Trump? I can, and I think it would go a little something like this: *Band strikes up with wacky rendition of "Happy Days are Here Again" instead of "Hail to the Chief"* *President Elect Taylor ascends the stairs, showering the assembled dignitaries and generals with confetti from a large paper sack* *He steps up to the podium* Hey thank you folks, thank you very much. Hey, I found Hillary's emails! *Hefts paper sack full of confetti onto podium so the words "Hillary's Emails" are clearly visible on the side of the bag* Here you go folks! I found ‘em! *Giggles and tosses more handfuls of confetti to crowd before dropping sack to one side* Oh boy, can you believe I'm President? Trust me I'm just as shocked as you. When I agreed to run for the Presidency, I thought they meant a race for the cure! Ho ho! But don't worry, folks; I'm not unprepared. In fact I've already got my new cabinet all picked out. *Gestures to large wardrobe being carted onto stage by four-star general* And they’ve already got me set up with the Nuclear Football *holds aloft a football with the radiation symbol stenciled on it, drops it with exaggerated clumsiness* Whoops! Looks like I really dropped the ball there! Ho ho! *dries eyes with handkerchief* Don’t worry folks I have a spare *holds up prop tire labeled “SPARE” before tossing it aside* Hey it was a close race and my opponent put up a good fight. Let’s give her a BIG HAND, folks! *Reaches under podium and pulls out novelty foam hand* Here you go, Hillary, you’ve earned it. *Tosses foam hand to Hillary, who catches it with an awkward, forced smile* But seriously, I'm not wasting any time getting down to BRASS TACKS *lifts up novelty-size gold-painted thumbtack from behind podium* Oof! This thing is heavy; looks like the first thing I need to work on is TACKS REFORM! Ha ha ho! *Looks disapprovingly at Air Force colonel who didn’t laugh at his pun* I’ve never seen a veteran with a prosthetic face before. This is the inauguration speech, fellas. I don’t dance, you see. This is it. So I know everybody here is worried about the economy, which is why as my first executive act I’m ordering that all products be available in ECONOMY SIZE. *reaches under podium and pulls out extra-large bottle of Pennzoil Motor-oil. Once he realizes what he’s holding he does a double-take and mugs the audience* Would you believe this, folks? *reaches into pocket and pulls out a nightcap, which he quickly dons* I’m not even president for five minutes and I’m already getting into bed with BIG OIL! Hyuk hyuk hyuk! *Tosses bottle and nightcap offstage* Geez, I haven’t heard this much groaning since Chris Christie trying to climb up to the stage for the primaries! *looks down at hand* Aw yuck, looks like that bottle had a leak *examines it closely* oh never mind, this is from when I shook hands with Cruz earlier. I bet you were all shocked I ran as a Republican but honestly where else would you expect to find an old, white, gay man? I’m kidding! Lighten up! Not you, Barry! You stay just the way you are. I’m a friend to all races of people, which is why I’m taking immigration so seriously. I even got a new hotline installed in the Oval Office: *Holds up red rotary phone with a tiny sombrero glued to the top* But it turns out I didn’t need it; Enrique Nieto moonlights as the White House gardener! He’s the president of Mexico, folks, crack open a book sometime! I don’t know why everyone’s so eager to get this speech over with; you’ve got two more years of this to look forward to. *Aide leans in and whispers something in Rip’s ear* What? *Aide whispers again* You’re saying a presidential term is four years? *Aide nods* Not the way I’ll be running things it won’t. Pretend you didn’t hear that, folks! Actually, pretend you didn’t hear the whole speech. It’s over! I’ll see you all at the State of the Union! *Band strikes up “Happy Days are Here Again” as Rip descends from the podium in another cloud of confetti*
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Oct 28, 2019 11:27
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 12:22 |
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SNL or MAD TV I'm willing to sell the rights to this sketch PM me with offers.
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Oct 28, 2019 11:28
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He would be insufferable in a pre-Trump world, in our post-Trump mass hallucination he'd be a breath of fresh air.
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Oct 28, 2019 11:53
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Ha ha lol funny Apple I did giggle voting 4
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Oct 28, 2019 11:56
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its like i'm there
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Oct 28, 2019 11:59
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immortalyawn posted:its like i'm there Yea it's the writing skill u kno
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Oct 28, 2019 12:00
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I just did the whole thing but with W's voice and weird dry laugh and I'm still okay with it. I imagined he told the jokes but looked like he didn't understand them. Good speech op.
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Oct 28, 2019 12:46
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A politician having an actual sense of humor would be really nice. Also I love the little confetti sticks he uses, and would love to see a President be friendly and outgoing and smiling and use that.
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Oct 28, 2019 12:59
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Like if a magical Djinn suddenly appeared and offered to switch the clown in charge with a much nicer clown I say you go for it.
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Oct 28, 2019 13:05
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Legit funny Applewhite. I hope you do more "old skool comedians as president" threads.
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Oct 28, 2019 15:01
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BigBadSteve posted:Legit funny Applewhite. I hope you do more "old skool comedians as president" threads. I'd vote for Gilbert Gottfried in a heartbeat.
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Oct 28, 2019 15:06
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[extremely gex voice] Reminds me of Halloween at Rip Taylor's.
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Oct 28, 2019 15:07
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BigBadSteve posted:Legit funny Applewhite. I hope you do more "old skool comedians as president" threads. I’m trying to come up with one for Stephen Wright
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Oct 28, 2019 15:08
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I...........................liked it, OP.
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Oct 28, 2019 15:45
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Applewhite posted:I’m trying to come up with one for Stephen Wright *mumble* they tell me I have to give a state of the union address, but I don't know what its zip code is.
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Oct 28, 2019 16:20
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Cosmik Slop posted:*mumble* they tell me I have to give a state of the union address, but I don't know what its zip code is. Fuckin’ nailed it.
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Oct 28, 2019 17:00
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I spent all morning trying to think of something and he loving killed it.
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Oct 28, 2019 17:38
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBlirvhuMLE&t=4s
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Oct 28, 2019 17:50
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*gets drunk and wanders into Canada, thinks that's where he's president* e: thought it was Rip Torn. Whatever. Harveygod fucked around with this message at 18:54 on Oct 28, 2019 |
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Oct 28, 2019 18:05
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Jose Oquendo posted:I'd vote for Gilbert Gottfried in a heartbeat. Oh god. All the republicans will just give in to whatever he demands.  "No amount of military industrial money is worth listening to this!"
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Oct 28, 2019 18:07
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I'd really prefer it if Rip Torn was president.
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Oct 28, 2019 18:15
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Biohazard posted:I'd really prefer it if Rip Torn was president. Hell yeah Torn could outdrink Putin and then beat the poo poo out of him and his crew!
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Oct 28, 2019 18:26
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Could the white house booze supplies even stand up to Rip Torn?
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Oct 28, 2019 18:47
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By popular demand posted:Could the white house booze supplies even stand up to Rip Torn? He isn't there to host an international kegger.
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Oct 28, 2019 21:50
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 12:22 |
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Rip Taylor the CHUD: HELLO PEOPLE!!!! WAKE UP!!!! Q is REAL and he’s RIGHT! Oh Jesus lord, oh my. I’m an old man talking about ‘Q’ when usually we’re struggling with ‘P’! Oh lord I’ll be in my dressing room
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Oct 28, 2019 22:25
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