Claws out! Why cats are causing chaos and controversy across Britain

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Claws out! Why cats are causing chaos and controversy across Britain

Small Gay Planet: Aug 2, 2019; by Fluffdaddy

The Guardian posted:

Last week, it was reported that a Hammersmith couple, John and Jackie Hall, had waged a legal battle to prevent a nearby resident, Nicola Lesbirel, from stealing their maine coon, Ozzy. The Halls accused Lesbirel of repeatedly feeding Ozzy, taking him into her house and replacing Ozzy�s collar with one that had Lesbirel�s phone number and the words �My home� on it.

As the situation escalated, emails were exchanged. �He is very loved and well cared for and he is very attached to his territory, and to me,� Lesbirel wrote. �Surely leaving him where he is determined to be and where you can be reassured he is settled and happy and healthy is the best thing for everyone involved, both feline and human.� Jackie responded: �He is not your cat and we are not just giving him over to you.� In a subsequent email to Lesbirel, she wrote: ��The question we all have asked ourselves year after year: why doesn�t Nicola just get her own cat? Why can�t she just leave ours alone?��

�It�s a sad case,� says the Halls� barrister, Tom Weisselberg QC. �If she�d seen sense, everyone�s time and money would have been saved.� He worked pro bono on the case, because the Halls are friends. There are few legal options for someone wanting to stop their neighbour stealing their cat. Technically, it�s theft, but generally the police won�t get involved. �You have to show that they intend to deprive you permanently of possession,� Weisselberg says. �That�s a high threshold to satisfy.�

When he was a junior barrister, Weisselberg worked on a legal dispute between Kuwait Airways and Iraqi Airways. The Kuwaitis argued, successfully, that the Iraqis had in effect stolen some Kuwaiti planes, because they had painted their own colours on them, thereby converting them. �I said: �Look, if the Kuwaitis can say the Iraqis converted their aircraft by putting different colours on the planes, why can�t you say the defendant has converted your cat by changing its collar?�� Weisselberg planned to use this precedent in court but, at the courthouse door, Lesbirel agreed to a number of restrictions on contact with Ozzy.

Ozzy isn�t the only cat tearing communities asunder. �We thought it would be our forever home,� sighs Lana, 49, a company director from London. In 2017, Lana, her husband, their children and their three cats moved to rural Scotland. It was a stretch to take on the mortgage, but it was the home they had always dreamed of and the neighbours were welcoming � at first.

In October, however, the shooting season started. �A neighbour said: �I�d keep your cats in. We know the groundskeeper has shot 12 cats to stop them taking the game birds.� Lana and her husband were appalled, but thought that, if they reasoned with the local landowner, he would have his gamekeeper leave the cats alone. They were wrong. �He said: �It�s my land, I�ll do what the hell I like. Who do you think you are? You�re not even from round here!�� Once-friendly neighbours took his side. �We were shunned. He had a lot of influence in the community.�

Fearful for their cats� safety � they were worried the gamekeeper might shoot into their garden � they erected a six-foot fence. Being ostracised in a close-knit rural community took its toll. �No one would talk to us. You�d go into the pub and people would turn their backs on you. From a mental health point of view, it impacted us a lot.� They started finding rocks on their driveway. Eventually they sold up. They now live in a rented house in France, where their cats are free to roam again.

Sam Francis�s garden is constantly under attack. The assailant is an unneutered tom cat whom she has nicknamed Little Big Balls. �At first I thought he was quite cute,� says the 43-year-old arts producer from Weston-super-Mare. �Then the bullying started.� Little Big Balls is a remorseless playground thug. �He would run across the garden and just go for my cat, Moustachio. If Moustachio was outside, Little Big Balls would attack him.� Moustachio became too terrified to go outside.

After doing some research, Francis bought a small water pistol; she would spray Little Big Balls when he swaggered into her garden. It seemed to be working � until his owner got wind of it. �He ripped into me,� says Francis. �Saying: �You�re terrorising my cat, you�re obviously an animal hater.� I said: �I�m just trying to protect my cat,� and he said: �Cats can go wherever they like!��

For a while, Francis and Moustachio mostly stayed indoors. Francis was avoiding her neighbour and Moustachio was fearful of Little Big Balls. But now Francis is venturing outdoors again. �I can�t be held hostage by a cat,� she says. �But there�s still a flutter of discomfort when I�m out in the garden.� When Francis tries to shoo Little Big Balls away now, he doesn�t even move. �He doesn�t care. He knows I�m not a threat to him.�

�He�s so naughty!� says Gina Burnside, a 33-year-old payroll processor from Darlington, of her shorthair rescue cat, Hector. Naughty might be an understatement: Hector is one of the reasons Burnside moved house, after her relationship with the elderly couple who lived next door became unbearably tense. Why? Because Hector is about as expansionist as Napoleon, only more merciless. First there were the frogs. �They had a frog pond until Hector moved in,� Burnside groans. �He caught every single one.�

Burnside apologised, but the couple were clearly annoyed. Dumping Hector back over the fence, they would make passive-aggressive remarks. �They�d say: �Here he is � again,�� Burnside says. �But I could tell it wasn�t a joke.� Things became so fraught that Burnside would watch their movements out of the window, so that she didn�t put the bins out at the same time. Then came Hector�s most aggressive move yet. �My husband came in one day and said: �Hector�s eating the chicken you left out for dinner. I said: �We�re not having chicken.�� Hector had stolen it from their table. �We tried to take it off him, but there was nothing we could do! He was tearing all over the garden with it.�� Burnside couldn�t face the confrontation, so she did the sensible thing and sold the house. The neighbours didn�t come to say goodbye.

What�s going on in a cat�s brain when it maraudes into a neighbour�s garden? �It could be hungry,� muses Sheila Hamilton Andrews, a cat behaviour expert. �It could be cold. It could just feel like a bit of attention.� I ask Andrews whether cats love their owners. �Ha!� she says cheerily. �They become attached. You can interpret that as you will.�

Mike just avoids his neighbours. The 52-year-old from London says he worries that, if he sees them, �I�m going to lose my temper again�. It all started when his cat, Bob, started disappearing for long stretches of time. He put up posters and posted notes through people�s doors. Eventually, his neighbours called � Bob was living in their house, gaining access through a garden window. Mike went around. Could they please keep the window closed, so Bob would stop getting in? They refused. Mike lost it. �They were completely incapable of seeing how upsetting it was,� he says.

Bob continues to spend all his time at the neighbours, but returns to Mike to be fed. He doesn�t know if they feed him. Mike offered the neighbours ownership of Bob, but changed his mind when they refused to put in a cat flap and went on holiday for a week, leaving Bob in their garden. The situation is at an all-time low: he has considered suing them, but worries the legal bills would be too expensive. �It�s my cat,� he says. �It�s so frustrating.�

Mike�s experience is not unique. �In the last three years, we�ve dealt with more incidents of cat theft than ever before,� says the pet detective Colin Butcher. His outfit, The Pet Detectives, specialises in returning cats to their owners. Butcher differentiates between �cat seduction� � which is when neighbours allow the cat into their home and feed it, but ultimately let it go � and outright theft. �The vast majority of cat-seduction cases will become theft if individuals are not stopped,� Butcher warns. How can you tell if someone is interfering with your feline friend? He suggests that if your cat is gaining weight, returning home smelling unusual or is newly groomed, these are signs someone else has their eye on your pet.

A lot of people don�t realise they are stealing someone else�s cat: they think they are taking in a stray. (There are few genuine strays.) But some are shameless. �I�ve had cases where we�ve filmed people chucking a cat into the back of a removal van and moving down the road,� Butcher says. �We stop them and they say: �Oh, we have no idea how the cat got in!� But there are cat bowls and litter trays in there, so you know they planned the theft.�

Butcher, a retired police detective inspector, uses the skills he learned in 15 years on the force to cajole neighbours into returning the cats. �I can be very persuasive,� he says. He carries a letter around with him from Surrey police�s chief constable, confirming that cat snatching is a crime. �I show them the letter and say: �You need to be sensible, now.��

Most cases end amicably: shamefaced neighbours return the cat, everyone moves on. But there are a few cases that haunt him. These involve so-called collectors: serial predators who trawl the streets, looking for cats to steal. �There�s a crazy cat lady on every street,� Butcher says seriously. �They are always women.� The worst case he ever worked on involved a collector who had lured 16 cats from their owners and locked them in her attic.

Carolyn Sherlock�s cat Tigger was stolen by a collector. The 54-year-old local government worker�s former neighbour had a play shed for cats in her garden; she would feed them roast lamb. When Tigger disappeared, Sherlock did not suspect one of her neighbours could have taken him. But, one day, Sherlock went around to her neighbour�s on an unrelated matter and was stunned to find Tigger on a rug in front of the fire. �She said: �He�s been living here for a while. He likes the underfloor heating in our conservatory.��

Sherlock was angry. �We�d looked for her for weeks and she hadn�t had the courtesy to say: �Your cat moved in with me!�� Tigger wasn�t the only cat she had lured. Her house was full of what she would call �waifs and strays�, but could probably be more accurately described as �other people�s cats�. When Tigger died, the neighbour buried him in her garden.

Butcher tries to see the humanity in cat snatchers. �I don�t think they�re evil people 95% of the time; they really care about the cat,� he says. For instance, there is Anna, a retiree from north Yorkshire. As we speak, she is watching her neighbour�s cat shiver in her garden. Anna used to feed the cat when her neighbours were at work, until things turned acrimonious. �Their child stands by the fence and shouts: �You�ve stolen my cat! I want my cat back!�� Now Anna feels uncomfortable around the neighbours, but mostly sorry for the cat. �It breaks my heart that I can�t let her in.�

It is easy to pin neighbourhood strife on cats. Cunning little things; the tyrants of our homes. But what if cats aren�t the enemy within � what if we humans are to blame? We take what is not ours; we covet thy neighbour�s cat. Really, it is not the cat�s fault. They are just doing what is natural. Butcher tells me that about 50% of cats have a second home they frequent regularly. He has heard of four people believing they own the same cat. Cats are sensitive to changes in their home environment: new babies, flooring or pets may prompt them to relocate.

It is a disobliging truth: cats do not obey humans. Their capriciousness is legendary, their cynicism ancient. There is probably a cave painting of a cat skulking away from its owner in search of a warmer fire. �You cannot reduce a cat to a possession, because it will not allow it to happen,� says Butcher. �It�s too wilful.�

You can never really own a cat, only rent its affections for a while. One day, it will slink out of the door: a heartless courtesan, in search of a better prospect.

tldr; cats are vicious sluts who should be shamed for their promiscuity

my only regret is not naming my cat Little Big Balls when I had the chance

quote:

�My husband came in one day and said: �Hector�s eating the chicken you left out for dinner. I said: �We�re not having chicken.�� Hector had stolen it from their table. �We tried to take it off him, but there was nothing we could do! He was tearing all over the garden with it.�� Burnside couldn�t face the confrontation, so she did the sensible thing and sold the house.

Excessively non-confrontational british behavior

Small Gay Planet fucked around with this message at 02:47 on Jan 23, 2020

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:29

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 01:22

Caesar Saladin: Aug 15, 2004

You can't just steal a Maine Coon cat, they cost like 2 grand or something. They are super expensive luxury huge cats.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:31

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Cat people am I right?

I'll take a pitbull owner any day over this poo poo.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:45

sincx: Jul 13, 2012; furiously masturbating to anime titties

sincx fucked around with this message at 06:21 on Mar 23, 2021

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:53

salt shakeup: Jun 27, 2004; 'orrible fucking nights

It should be illegal to make a thread like this without a picture of the cat in the OP.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:55

Chrs: Sep 21, 2015

That woman who changed the cat�s collar would likely get kicked in the head for that round my way

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:55

Colonel Cancer: Sep 26, 2015; Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

sincx posted:

These days, most reputable breeders and many shelters require prospective cat owners to sign an agreement that the cat won't be let out unsupervised.

It's better for the cat, it's better for the owner, and it's better for the wildlife. And if you do this starting from when the cat is a kitten, they get used to having strictly controlled outdoor access.

Well someone didn't read the outdoor cat thread last week!

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:55

Caesar Saladin: Aug 15, 2004

Chrs posted:

That woman who changed the cat�s collar would likely get kicked in the head for that round my way

I straight up agree, I couldn't contain my rage at the idea of some stranger stealing me cat, I would completely flip out and send my sister to fight her.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 01:57

Small Gay Planet: Aug 2, 2019; by Fluffdaddy

salt shakeup posted:

It should be illegal to make a thread like this without a picture of the cat in the OP.

Fair point

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:01

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

The cat killed those children

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:11

Small Gay Planet: Aug 2, 2019; by Fluffdaddy

Lil Swamp Booger Baby posted:

The cat killed those children

i agree, children should be killed by cats

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:13

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

Small Gay Planet posted:

i agree, children should be killed by cats

My statement was neutral

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:14

Honky Dong Country: Feb 11, 2015

I think these cats should be indoors.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:15

Meme Poker Party: Sep 1, 2006; by Azathoth

Groundskeeper seems to be only one with a good bead on this whole cat situation!

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:15

Lil Swamp Booger Baby: Aug 1, 1981

Chomp8645 posted:

Groundskeeper seems to be only one with a good bead on this whole cat situation!

Do not let a cat play with beads

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:16

1st_Panzer_Div.: May 11, 2005; Grimey Drawer

Caesar Saladin posted:

You can't just steal a Maine Coon cat, they cost like 2 grand or something. They are super expensive luxury huge cats.

Fiance has a half Maine coon that's shelter rescue. A non 100% pure bread isn't worth a dime.

I vastly prefer my tiny van cat, way better on the litter box. Someone did in fact attempt to take her after she was adopted too. after the poor thing spent 7 months in the shelter system, they weren't the owner, I think they wanted a lawsuit, I dunno.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:26

Small Gay Planet: Aug 2, 2019; by Fluffdaddy

1st_Panzer_Div. posted:

Someone did in fact attempt to take her after she was adopted too. after the poor thing spent 7 months in the shelter system, they weren't the owner, I think they wanted a lawsuit, I dunno.

What a covetous piss-champion, i think its the toxoplasmosis what makes them like this

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:29

Cubone: May 26, 2011; Because it never leaves its bedroom, no one has ever seen this poster's real face.

if you let your animal roam onto other people's property and kill their animals, haven't you pretty much already decided that whatever happens happens?

if you love your cat, then take responsibility for it
there's no other pet, there's no other anything, that can just wander around killing other people's pets but also you're allowed to get mad if it gets hurt and also you're allowed to get mad if somebody else is nicer to it than you
like are you sure that's a pet are you sure it's not just a small monster that hypnotized you into letting it kill whenever it wants

don't get me wrong, I've never met a cat I didn't immediately adore, but the bird owner, who shot cats to protect his birds, and the frog owners, whose frogs were all murdered by cats, can't both be the bad guy

# ? Jan 23, 2020 02:43

gary oldmans diary: Sep 26, 2005

if a neighbors cat was bullying my cat in my yard i would definitely spray it with a water gun. not putting up with that poo poo
i dont have a cat but i can definitely see myself as a good guy with a gun if it were me in that scenario. someones gotta stand up for whats right

# ? Jan 23, 2020 05:00

Small Gay Planet: Aug 2, 2019; by Fluffdaddy

gary oldmans diary posted:

if a neighbors cat was bullying my cat in my yard i would definitely spray it with a water gun. not putting up with that poo poo
i dont have a cat but i can definitely see myself as a good guy with a gun if it were me in that scenario. someones gotta stand up for whats right

there's literally not a single problem in that post which can't be resolved with a frank, honest, face-to-face conversation I am very upset about this constant fleeing/avoiding behavior it seems to give the cats all the power smh

# ? Jan 23, 2020 06:25

snergle: Aug 3, 2013; A kind little mouse!

Small Gay Planet posted:

tldr; cats are vicious sluts who should be shamed for their promiscuity

my only regret is not naming my cat Little Big Balls when I had the chance

Excessively non-confrontational british behavior

loling so hard at being so spineless and non confrontational you sell your family house and move because your cat stole a chicken from your neighbours house. replace the chicken apologize and put a loving shock collar fence up.

Cubone posted:

if you let your animal roam onto other people's property and kill their animals, haven't you pretty much already decided that whatever happens happens?

if you love your cat, then take responsibility for it
there's no other pet, there's no other anything, that can just wander around killing other people's pets but also you're allowed to get mad if it gets hurt and also you're allowed to get mad if somebody else is nicer to it than you
like are you sure that's a pet are you sure it's not just a small monster that hypnotized you into letting it kill whenever it wants

don't get me wrong, I've never met a cat I didn't immediately adore, but the bird owner, who shot cats to protect his birds, and the frog owners, whose frogs were all murdered by cats, can't both be the bad guy

the guy didnt own the birds he would shoot cats so they couldnt catch birds he planned to hunt. most likely ducklings and quail although idk if brits have quail. if not their island sucks quail are cool

mods pls rename me do not covet thy neighbours cat

snergle fucked around with this message at 07:10 on Jan 23, 2020

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:03

Do it ironically: Jul 13, 2010; by Pragmatica

Another indoor cat thread? I�m pretty sure we ran the last one into the ground recently

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:07

r u ready to WALK: Sep 29, 2001

One of my neighbours walk their big fluffy cat on a leash several times a day and it's the most adorable thing :3:

I don't think most people are willing to put that much time into their cat though

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:07

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

i have a cat with a ridiculous name and he has a neurological condition that makes him super clumsy. it requires he be indoors and get plenty of hugs and all the attention because hes very sweet and he's my friend

the end

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:15

dads friend steve: Dec 24, 2004

Wow it seems like a lot of these problems could be solved if these assholes didn�t let their cats roam feral outdoors

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:18

dads friend steve: Dec 24, 2004

In a word:

Chomp8645 posted:

Groundskeeper seems to be only one with a good bead on this whole cat situation!

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:19

Vincent Van Goatse: Nov 8, 2006; Enjoy every sandwich.; Smellrose

Brexit supporters, ladies and gentlemen.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 07:24

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

�I-I thought I could never get too much British pussy, and then I realized I was wrong� :gbsmith:

# ? Jan 23, 2020 08:13

Das Boo: Jun 9, 2011; There was a GHOST here.
It's gone now.

If I live in Britain and a man comes into my garden yelling about his cat, is it legal to shoot him with my water pistol? Or will he send bobbies to lock me up in the jim-jammy?

# ? Jan 23, 2020 08:55

Tite Barnacle: Jun 4, 2014; Meowdy Purrdner; Grimey Drawer

Chomp8645 posted:

Groundskeeper seems to be only one with a good bead on this whole cat situation!

Speaking as a big grey cat in a hat, gently caress you!

# ? Jan 23, 2020 10:05

Sekenr: Dec 12, 2013

Small Gay Planet posted:

there's literally not a single problem in that post which can't be resolved with a frank, honest, face-to-face conversation I am very upset about this constant fleeing/avoiding behavior it seems to give the cats all the power smh

Reasonable thing to do would be to sell your house, move to Scotland or Faroe islands and avoid all humans for the rest of your life

# ? Jan 23, 2020 11:17

The Real Amethyst: Apr 20, 2018; When no one was looking, Serval took forty Japari buns. She took 40 buns. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible.

My cat is just my neighbors cat.

She kinda lives in 6 different houses around here. Some days she comes over to mine, other days she goes a couple doors down.
She really is a little cutie. I don't even feed her, she just wants head pats.

:3:

# ? Jan 23, 2020 11:19

Nefarious 2.0: Apr 22, 2008; Offense is overrated anyway.

all of these people have a cat poo poo parasite in their brains that makes them idiots

# ? Jan 23, 2020 11:22

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Mods pls change my nick to Little Big Balls, tia.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 13:29

Murderion: Oct 4, 2009; 2019. New York is in ruins. The global economy is spiralling. Cyborgs rule over poisoned wastes.

The only time that's left is
FUN TIME

snergle posted:

the guy didnt own the birds he would shoot cats so they couldnt catch birds he planned to hunt. most likely ducklings and quail although idk if brits have quail. if not their island sucks quail are cool

mods pls rename me do not covet thy neighbours cat

Scottish gamekeepers keep grouse and pheasants, the fattest, stupidest birds. They breed them to be even fatter and stupider to make easy hunting for fat, stupid tourists.

These dumb idiot birds are very vulnerable to predators, so gamekeepers murder every last one in a 10 mile radius. Including rare birds like eagles and ospreys. Assholes.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 14:00

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 27, 2024 01:22

Saint Drogo: Dec 26, 2011

do not subject your cat to life in rural britain.

do not subject your kids to life in rural britain.

do not subject yourself to life in rural britain.

# ? Jan 23, 2020 14:44

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Claws out! Why cats are causing chaos and controversy across Britain