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"Mighty Jabba, we wish to purchase that smuggler you froze in carbonite and stuck up on your wall there." "Wonna Bunta Mina Eeeee Bachu?" This is hutt for 'my smuggler is very expensive' "Ah but we have something to trade that is far more valuable than money Jabba. If you trade us Han Solo right now.... We'll give you the second motherfucking death star." *Jabba the Hutt's face breaks into a wide cruel smile*
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Feb 1, 2020 17:54
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 19:27 |
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Crix Madine reads reports from Rebel Intelligence that Luke Skywalker is offering a Death Star to a Hutt. “I have a bad feeling about this,” he mutters.
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Feb 1, 2020 17:57
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Jabba was intrigued. Luke was quickly swept up from the palace throne room to Jabba's business room. It was much cozier in there. Jabba had his twi'lek assistant write up the paperwork. In moments it was official. Jabba would join forces with the rebellion for the upcoming siege on the second death star moored at Endor. Upon the successful siege of the facility Jabba would be granted full rights to the second death star to use as he wished. "I've got a bad feeling about this" a newly thawed han solo said while one of Jabba's brain in a jar spiders massaged eye-dilation medicine into his corneas.
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Feb 1, 2020 18:20
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“why do you even need to get captain solo back” asked r2d2 in his newly-installed sonorous baritone voice. “didnt the rebellion create dozens of new droid duplicates of him as replacement??” luke frowned. “yes......” he began tentatively “but...” he furrowed his brow “many bot-hans died recently” “GULP!!” played a recorded distress noise from c3po’s gulpulator. “ive got a bad feeling about this!!!”
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Feb 1, 2020 18:29
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It was a tough question. A tough question for a tough Jedi like Luke Skywalker. Luckily he knew exactly what to say. "I-" Suddenly Jabba's palace was shaking! The sand dunes beneath the planet were shifting and turning beneath their feet! "I've got a bad feeling about this...." Lando, working his day job as a guard in Jabba's palace, said to himself as he moved to the designated sand-quake safety modules located next to the live-frog dispenser.
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Feb 1, 2020 18:42
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From deep beneath the sands emerged the Sith Lord Mum-Ra the Everliving! "Bleeeaaaargh!" He blearghed loudly. "Where is that fool Lion-O and the rest of the Thunder Jedi!" Luke had only heard legends of the this mighty Sith Lord, and knew this was a threat even greater than Darth Vader.
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Feb 1, 2020 18:50
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"Mum-Ra is on Tatoonie?" Luke asked with uncharacteristic shock, "I thought for certain that he had been buried on Jakku!" This got more complicated because all the commotion had caused Boba Fett to start shooting. Apparently somebody out in the wider galaxy wanted Mum-Ra and they wanted them alive. "Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!" Said the mouse droid. It didn't like where this was going.
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Feb 1, 2020 18:55
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If this were true, and Mum-Ra really had burrowed all the way from the Jakku side of the planet to the Tatooine side, it would be a truly astonishing display of his earth-shaking powers.
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Feb 1, 2020 19:20
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salvador crumb the quackian lizard laughed, but there was a sadness in his laughter. is was as if the situation in the crime castle was evoking in him feelings—and they were not good feelings
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Feb 1, 2020 19:45
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"Everyone please calm down!' Luke said as blaster bolts began whizzing by his head. Luke waved his newly signed contract around impotently. Luke was starting to think he was going to need that lightsaber he had entrusted with R2 and he didn't like it one bit.
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Feb 1, 2020 19:47
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Meanwhile, R2 was wondering if he should begin wearing clothes, like a human does. He felt shame, but anger as well, knowing that Luke got to cover up the port where he ejects his waste, while R2 would have to roll around with all the chemical buildup on display for all to see.
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Feb 1, 2020 20:31
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"Oh R2 don't look so glum" said c3p0, R2 did not take comfort from this however because c3p0 was simultaneously evacuating a steady trickle of his oil-based lubricant down his golden leg. I could never be happy being like c3p0 R2 thought, For he is a heathen and knows not how he lives. Meanwhile Mum-Ra and Boba Fett had mostly worked out their differences and only the Gammoreans were still fighting among themselves. "My Ex Wife eh?" Said Mum-Ra conspiratorially, "Well this will be the last time she puts out a bounty on my head!" Boba Fett nods along but with his helmet on it's impossible to say if he is truthful in his intentions to track down Mum-Ra's ex wife.
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Feb 1, 2020 21:46
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"If we're going to be in business together," Boba said, "Call me by my full name, which is Bobert. Now let's see what all the commotion is about, and I promise not to disintegrate anyone, just like I did for Darth Vader when he made me promise not to disintegrate anyone." People were still shooting at Luke, but he was now using his Jedi powers to put together a Death Star right there in Jabba's living room while it happened. "I can't keep doing this forever!" He said, while he avoided being injured and also put together a Death Star.
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Feb 2, 2020 02:08
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It turned out size mattered not and Luke started putting together a whole mother loving deathstar! But Jabba wasn't expecting Luke would assemble a death star out of all the technological marvels Jabba had purchased for his own pleasures and stocked inside his palace of sin! "Grumba Bumba! Dooken Spooko Manga! Jeema Mookta Solo!" This is huttese for "Skywalker that was my Hoth-Tech Manga Preservation Refrigerator! If you turn that into a death star how will I enjoy a Hoth-cool manga with now forgiven best friend Han Solo?" Han Solo kinda looks around at the mention of his name but like usual he's trying not to get killed. Han's the best like that. At that moment though Luke Skywalker's grim prediction came true and he actually couldn't keep doing it forever! He hit his groin on a patron table at the seedy side-booths of the palace throneroom. It was as if a billion lives inside of his ballsack had cried out as one in terror, then were silent. Luke could no longer bear children. reignofevil fucked around with this message at 02:34 on Feb 2, 2020 |
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Feb 2, 2020 02:18
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Meanwhile Lando, still in the shadows and weapon at the ready, gave an assuring nod to Slave Leia. She could see his monster fuckrod bulging through the tight decoy uniform he was packed into. She got ssuper turned on and gushed all over the ferrocrete floor. "God I hope I get that thing cramped up my buttwhole tonight." she thought, hornily.
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Feb 2, 2020 02:57
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Lando made note that his stock had gone considerably up in this world and immediately began imagining how large his next cloud mining platform was going to be once he got a hold of the great fortune of Aldaraan..... Suddenly he came to the ice cold realization that all of Princess Leia's money had been lost in the destruction of her home planet at -.001 BBY. poo poo. So Bobert Fett went off with Mum-Ra to go set right the bounty put on Mum-Ra by his ex wife. They were holding hands as they left which was weird but I guess Bobert Fett was into bandages and older dudes. Luke for his part eventually did finish building that death star. It was really really large, he had to take most of the buildings the cities and towns of Tatooine in order to build it but it was done. The death star 3. Now staffed by approximately six hundred thousand angry drunk moisture farmers who had been magically tossed into the air and then constructed into the form of a battle-station against their will. reignofevil fucked around with this message at 03:06 on Feb 2, 2020 |
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Feb 2, 2020 03:04
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And Mum-Ra looked into Bobert-Fettuchini's eyes and said "Oooh baby I like it raw. Yeah baby I like it RAAAAAAAAA!"
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Feb 2, 2020 03:33
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R2-D2 used his robot arm to steal some bandages from Mum-ra, so that he could cover himself up. Oh, did the droid seethe mightily over his fate as he stared up at Death Star 3. Luke had used the metal plating around R2-D2's waste port as part of the station, so now not only was the hole where R2's waste came out uncovered, but the tubes that it traveled through were too. This, he decided, was bullshit, and reached out another robot arm to yank down Luke's jedi pants so everyone could see the nerdy white underpants that R2 knew he wore.
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Feb 2, 2020 03:42
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Bobert laughed at their little joke. "Oh Mum-Ra. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship." "And maybe... something more?" Bobert Fettuchini looked into his partner's eyes. "First you'll have to introduce me to your mummy." That took a lot of the passion out of the moment.
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Feb 2, 2020 03:45
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Luke was suddenly feeling very fresh around his nethers which to him felt exactly like a major disturbance in the force. All the Gammorean pigmen who were trying to kill him earlier were now laughing at his tiny crotch but they weren't shooting at him anymore which was good. Jabba though was not laughing. Jabba was feeling very angry! Very inadequate! He pressed the single remaining button on his palace throne and Luke dropped down into the rancor pit.... without his pants!
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Feb 2, 2020 03:47
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Luke had never been in this much trouble before in his life. Everybody had seen his lightsaber and now he was definitely gonna die. I mean sure sure he was a magic space wizard and could already sense the exact size shape and disposition of this rancor via the mystic binding energy field that also controlled destiny and was deliberately sabotaging the universe in his favor. And sure he could move things with his mind of any size or scope he desired and he could just cut off the oxygen from the rancor (he had never been told it was a rancor but he searched his feelings and he knew it to be true) or he could just shoot lightning at it or he could establish a force bond with pretty much anyone and grab any lightsaber in existence through time and space and just have a lightsaber because the plot needed him to. Or he could jump really high or run really fast and just keep away from the beast. Or he could make a copy of himself appear on the other side of the door and convince the stupid guards that now that he had escaped they had to let the rancor out to catch him. Or he could just establish a natural force connection with the mind of the creature since it was driven by base animal instincts and he could ride the rancor like a massive murder ape with a smaller murder ape on its shoulders who is choking people with his mind. That was definitely an option. Or he could just disassemble the lock mechanism on the door with his mind and be free in like two seconds. Or he could fly himself like superman back up the trap door that had locked him in place and just go right on up the same chute that had deposited him in this mess! All kinds of options for a jedi because the force was such a vague and powerful thing. Luke picked up a bone and prepared to jam it in the maw of the beast. His obvious best option.
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Feb 2, 2020 16:32
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When are they gonna gently caress!?!?!? said Salacious Crumb, anxiously dragging his rear end back and forth across the floor.
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Feb 2, 2020 16:56
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But they don't gently caress! They fight! They fight long and they fight hard! It's all very exciting and other than luke not having his pants it is 100% canonical to how it happened in Star Wars Return of the Jedi as seen in theaters in 1983. Our story resumes with Luke consoling the crying fat-guy who is very upset that Luke murdered the rancor with a door. Fat guy isn't happy about being consoled. Luke politely asks to have his pants returned to him. Nobody obliges. R2 meanwhile is on the move and fast! He was speeding toward Jabba's personal transport where Jabba was making preparations to be carried aboard his technically contractually fulfilling third death star. It wasn't the death star he was promised and it wasn't really what he said he was going to do to receive payment but by god when you're a Hutt you drat well know not to look a planet destroying super-weapon in the mouth. But R2 intends to beat Jabba to the punch! Jabba is a heathen and doesn't wear pants. Everyone can see his exposed waste receptacle. R2 knows such a creature could not be trusted with the power of the third death star. That power should be granting droids the world over with clothing to cover themselves. The one dude on Cantobite who bet his whole fortune on a failing droid-clothes business has a good feeling about this!
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Feb 2, 2020 17:20
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One sun rises on Tatooine just as another sets. This is nothing special to the regular citizens of Tatooine because their solar cycle is composed in such a way that 67.8% of their day is spent watching one sun slowly loft itself over the horizon as the other sun slowly dips itself beneath. Or vice versa. But none the less it is sunrise and over the sandblown horizon you can see three hover skiffs racing toward Jabba's personal Space-X launchpad. The first carries Jabba and all of his best friends like Han Solo and Salacious Crumb and also Lando because he works for Jabba as a lowly palace guard after resigning as governor of cloud city. The second skiff had R2 and C3P0 and one of Jabba's robot brain-spiders that had agreed under duress to join R2 in his new crusade against pants-lessness. R2 still had Luke's lightsaber and most importantly he had Luke's pants. But they wouldn't fit. All of that could be fixed in due time though, once R2 was the master of the third death star. Once he held the power of life and death fear would keep the local tailors in line. The final skiff was further behind and it was the craft chosen by our heroes Luke Skywalker and A Gammorean Guard and Fat Guy From The Rancor Pit. Also Leia is on this skiff but it's on the condition that she isn't actually helping Luke with his nebulously defined goals in this scene she is just on the fastest available transportation to her new life-love Lando Calrissian. However in order to get to Jabba's personal Space-X launchpad everyone is going to have to cross.... The Sarlacc Pit!
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Feb 3, 2020 15:26
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Luke could smell it-- Hutt spittle. The galaxy's most effective, most expensive, and mostly highly unstable personal lubricant. "Stang it!" he hissed through his teeth. "I'm too late!" He could see Han through the nearby doorway, trussed like a Life Day holo-turkey on the grated floor. The older man was yelling something, probably something kind of cynical and sassy, with a wry smile. Except mad, because he was all tied up like I said already. Suddenly, Luke felt a Force tingle in his Force sense. He reached out to feel Leia's presence, somewhere behind the door on the other side of the hallway. Even though she wasn't a Jedi, somehow her Force spirit shone brighter than most. I hope that realization isn't some kind of precursor to abortive sexual embarrassment, Luke thought, remembering that book Splinter of the Mind's Eye where, let's face it, he totally sat there watching her sleep and being all "I could PROBABLY do something to her right now...riiiiight?" Luke was caught on the horns of a Tatooine Dilemma, which kind of looks like a rancor except it can shoot dark chi balls. The smell of the lube was getting stronger. "Master Yoda," he Force-whispered into the Force, "Guide me. Who should I save? Who should I defile?" There came no whisper of destiny. Luke had to choose on his own. It would be a sexy, sexy choice.
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Feb 3, 2020 16:47
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"A BioWare game, this is not." The ghost of Yoda responded, "Not all binary, choices are. Save them both, you sick, sick fucker."
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Feb 3, 2020 19:01
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Yoda being dead was a bit of a swerve but Luke did suppose he had been getting on in the years. Thankfully a Jedi Master always has access to clarity in moments like this and Luke was able to throw off the darkness of giving into the darkness of expanded universe horniness and full sexual temptation. There was a reason such tales had been locked away, written off as mere 'Legends'. It was because those legends were too horny! "Yoda," Luke said in a calm Jedi way since being dead is no big deal to lightside Jedi and in fact you get to still talk to your pals and stuff as a ghost after you die, "Is there anyway you could so something to help me catch up here. Like maybe you could call down a lightning bolt from the sky or something to slow everyone else down?"
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Feb 4, 2020 00:27
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"Invented this to gently caress with your father, I did." Yoda answered. "Always freak out, he would. Laugh, the rest of the council did, at his expense. Hilarious, I am." Suddenly a great wave of sand blew through the door, shaped like a woman's head. Somehow, Luke could tell this was the face of his grandmother, Shmi, and he realized Yoda's potential as a prankmaster.
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Feb 4, 2020 02:04
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Luke took the offered prize, though he knew not how it could possibly help him in his current situation. Grit and determination welled up inside Luke, and it wasn't just grit from all the sand that just whipped past his lower extremities! Luke had to succeed. He had to. He was already at maximum speed so he just started using the force to throw the skiff even faster than it would normally be able to go. --------------------------------------Intermission: Aboard the Death Star 2------------------------- Darth Vader arrives via shuttle. The shuttle bay is filled to the brim with storm troopers but don't be too impressed they are at least 75% cardboard cutouts. The Empire is having serious manpower shortfalls ever since Jabba started offering better than minimum wage. "Ah. Hr Representative Chuck. Good to see you. How goes constructing a complicated technological battle-station with those illiterate Wookie slaves I sent you?" "TERRIBLY!" Chuck moans. "They don't work. They eat six times as much as any person. They have the strength of ten men and they keep ripping our loving doctor's arms off when they try and treat the other slave-drivers for their missing arms! We've run out of doctors and no number of hours in a bacta tank is putting anybody's arm back on their body. The fucks have even taken over the all of the restrooms on the lower third hemisphere and they say nobody gets to make poopoos until they get a shuttle home. Sir this plan was really loving stupid even if this station wasn't more delicate on the inside than a Praeterian Souffle." Darth Vader is just nodding. The microphone in his chest-box is broken and he can't hear a god damned thing. "Good. You can explain as much to the Emperor when he arrives." The man sputters and gasps. "The Emperor is coming here???!" reignofevil fucked around with this message at 03:48 on Feb 4, 2020 |
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Feb 4, 2020 03:40
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Vader watched Chuck's expression turn to one of panic, but all he could think about was the weird little door on his crotch. He was glad that wasn't broken, because lately he felt the need to pull out his mangled, grey genitalia at least once an hour and trickle a few drops of waste into the nearest vac tube. Vader was glad Chuck couldn't see him grimace as he thought about his prostate, which was an absolute nightmare. The Emperor had locked him in a suit that could replace his limbs and force him to breathe, but fixing that seemed to be beyond the skills of every mind in the galaxy. Chuck stood there waiting for the massive Sith Lord to respond to his question. He'd been silent for like a minute at this point. Chuck reflexively grabbed at his throat - "This is when the choking starts," he thought, mind racing. "Kevin was there when he did it to Ozzel, he said it just happened."
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Feb 4, 2020 03:57
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"I can sense," Vader said imposingly as he allowed the imperial-probe-droid to cath him so as to relieve his nervous bladder "that you think me displeased with your performance. That you think this post has been foisted upon you as a punishment rather than a privilege. Let me tell you something. You couldn't be more wrong. Do you know how I got to be where I am today? Loyalty to Emperor Palpatine. Yes sir. It was by listening to my man Sheev The Democracy Dragon that I found myself in this badly wired toaster of a body-suit with a dedicated personal droid made with the express purpose of stabbing me in the dick three times a day. You could be like me Chuck. You too could see all of the rewards of my station. The tiny ball-droid that rolls around until I'm ready to take a dump in it every morning. You could hose that out. Eventually you could have one of your own and the next underling hoses out your own personal office toilet-ball droid. Anything's possible chuck." The droid removed the catheter tube. Less blood than usual today. Darth's personal crotch-door was then sealed up with a blast of sterilizing nitrous right on the balls to try and cover for the fact that being in the suit was like being locked in mid-summer florida with third degree burns on the dick basically every second of the day. "Right sir.... Of course sir." Chuck gulped loudly. Darth Vader kept staring. Chuck started to sweat. ".....Sir?" "Get the Wookies back to work Chuck. Put them back to work or I tell this droid that I want it to graft your skin onto mine. I can't itch inside of this thing Chuck. It itches like hell."
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Feb 4, 2020 04:10
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Suddenly, Vader stopped. The ghost of a smile played over what remained of his lips. "Good luck, Chuck," he intoned in his most sonorous and booming voice. Chuck's shocked and horrified face appeared just as the blast door whooshed down.
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Feb 4, 2020 06:03
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----Intermission over back to Tatooine---- The Sarlacc Pit has grabbed a skiff right out of the air and is tossing it around like in the climax of the second pirates of the carribean movie. The skiff..... Belongs to Jabba! Han Solo is being held up by a prickly tentacle and is being drug into the gnawing maw of the beast! Lando is trying to shoot at the tentacle holding Han from being able to climb the dune to rescue!
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Feb 4, 2020 21:35
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"Is this symbolic of something?" Leia asked, as she looked at the giant fleshy maw that swallowed men whole. Meanwhile, Lando shot one tentacle clean off the beast, allowing Han to grab it and use it as a whip to fight the others off. "Whoa!" Luke said. "He's like a Jedi with that thing, but scruffier!"
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Feb 4, 2020 21:48
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"I feel your anger. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all your hatred! It'll be SO hot!"
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Feb 6, 2020 05:28
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"Ya booba hunga bigum shooba. Ya poonam hungah! Simmer Blim Solo!" Jabba roared with anger. This is huttese for "Nothing is going my way! Han Solo is in danger and now that I've been sold a death star for his freedom he has become very precious to me!" Jabba was at this time (for reasons that occurred offscreen when the Sarlacc started grabbing skiffs) stuck in a barrel. His helpers were all incredibly busy trying to pull him out except for Salacious Crumb who was laughing to himself as fire slowly started engulfing Luke's skiff. Luke meanwhile was having troubles. Troubles while his skiff began to burn. For starters he was losing one of those critical alignment battles against his base lust for his sister. The light side was telling him it was wrong but the darkside was telling him that if his sister wore a revealing bikini it would sell a whole bunch of toys! His natural predilections towards merchandising were beginning to take hold.... R2 used the distraction where Jabba's crew were mostly not looking and Jabba was looking at Han Solo in the clutches of the cruel desert monster and he activated his rocket thrusters and boy did that little robot thrust thrust thrust! He thrust all the way to Jabba's skiff and he started messing with the controls!
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Feb 7, 2020 03:58
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erotic salacious crumb rp transcript
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Feb 7, 2020 18:18
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 19:27 |
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oh my god this isn't google
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Feb 7, 2020 18:18
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