I am NOT running for president

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BrutalistMcDonalds: Oct 4, 2012; Lipstick Apathy

I know what it takes to run a winning campaign. Many people have urged me to run. Some have told me that to win the Democratic nomination, I would need to change my views to match the polls, particularly after my recent statements described as "menacing" on a CNN panel about GLADIO stay-behind networks and my alleged declaration that other guests "know who they are," prompting what the New York Times described as a "security response" and a halt to the broadcast as I allegedly shouted "get your drat hands off me."

But I�ve been hearing accusations like that my whole political career. And the fault for yesterday's events lies clearly on the president. If he hadn't normalized this sort of incompetence, I wouldn't have said what I said, if I indeed said it. Donald Trump emboldened the worst in me, then he exacerbated that very emboldenment, and then he emboldened that very exacerbation. This would call for an internal investigation into my staff, who may be responsible, if I had a staff, which I do not -- which is a prerequisite for running for president.

The possibility that I could become president and thus America's political strongman, of which I could be, and at the same serving as a professional bass guitar player -- which I am -- who can play the strings like I could play the political winds blowing through our great country, is narrowing by the day owing to the lack of substantial political infrastructure. However, I would build physical infrastructure on vast scale like the great leaders of the 20th century such as Marshal Tito and Saddam Hussein, but fusing it with Djent songs on a tasty bass that slaps, creating an ecstatic synthesis of absolute power and worldwide progressive metal superstardom -- and purging rivals with the same improvisational megalomania that I regularly employ to dominate concert venues from Oregon to Virginia.

I know we can do better as a country. And I believe I would defeat Donald Trump in a general election. But I am clear-eyed about the difficulty of winning the Democratic nomination in such a crowded field. This may seem wishy-washy, perhaps even Shermanesque. But I will not accept if nominated and will not serve if elected. I want to make it absolutely clear: I never have been and never will be a candidate for president; that if nominated by either party, I should peremptorily decline; and even if unanimously elected I should decline to serve.

Thank you.