alternatives to toilet paper and their cons and pros

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > alternatives to toilet paper and their cons and pros

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

spoons - pros: really gets in there, cons: not edible

forks - pros: scratches an itch. cons: rectal bleeding.

plates - pros: practically Asian cons: dirty dishes

hands - pros: gonna wash your hands anyways, saves money cons: ???

dog - pros: feel like a CEO cons: teeth?

cat - pros: ??? - cons: teeth, might mistake balls for toys, claws, coarse tongue, probably wants to kill you.

vaccum cleaner - pros: deep cleanse cons: electricity bill

# ? Mar 16, 2020 22:49

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:11

owlhawk911: come chill with me, in byob

three seashells - reusable but mysterious
an egg - pleasant but ineffective
a hungry goat - effective but creepy, v rude to goat
garden hose - perfect, no cons

https://giant.gfycat.com/PlasticAngryHousefly.webm
_{this sig a mf'n vanisher joint. gobbos by khanstant}

# ? Mar 16, 2020 23:03

Finger Prince

owlhawk911 posted:

garden hose - perfect, no cons

Hmm, splashback could be a con if not used carefully.

# ? Mar 17, 2020 00:54

Heather Papps: hello friend

tearing a sleeve off your teeshirt:

pros:
very cleansing
convenient

cons:
cannot flush
two per shirt

thanks Dumb Sex-Parrot and deep dish peat moss for this winter bounty!

# ? Mar 17, 2020 01:04

Finger Prince

Heather Papps posted:

tearing a sleeve off your teeshirt:

pros:
very cleansing
convenient

cons:
cannot flush
two per shirt

Pros:
Sun's out guns out

Cons:
What if it's cloudy/nighttime?

# ? Mar 17, 2020 01:08

Escape From Noise

According to the French monk Francois Rabelais a goose's neck.
Pros: there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.

Cons: Geese are notorious jerks and will probably bite you for just being nearby.

# ? Mar 17, 2020 03:48

Yinlock

aiming a handgun so the bullets graze your rear end

pros - sterilization from the heat
- improves your combat readiness

cons - loud

# ? Mar 17, 2020 04:24

Escape From Noise

Corncobs

Pro: An American classic.

Cons: Rough

# ? Mar 17, 2020 04:38

Doxxieh

Uxzuigal posted:

cat - cons: might mistake balls for toys

vaccum cleaner - pros: deep cleanse cons: electricity bill

My cat would 100% do that and if electricity bill is your only con there I think you need to consider it a bit more before you get dropsies

# ? Mar 17, 2020 08:16

Manifisto

bud lite bidet

pros: intimate bubbly sensation on your nether regions, improves the taste of bud lite

cons: none

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Mar 17, 2020 08:59

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

shower - pros: two in one cleaning , just waffle stomp those nuggets down the drain cons: wife/showerbuddy might not approve

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Mar 17, 2020 12:15

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN: I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

According to the French monk Francois Rabelais a goose's neck.
Pros: there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.

Cons: Geese are notorious jerks and will probably bite you for just being nearby.

nockhole

# ? Mar 17, 2020 12:50

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:

nockhole

# ? Mar 17, 2020 21:23

Finger Prince

Your elbow -
Pros: hygienic way to avoid the transmission disease.
Cons: can't reach.
Solution: use someone else's elbow?

# ? Mar 17, 2020 22:48

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

Just poop in the yard and wipe your butt in the grass

This is what I've always done. Poop inside your house? Gross

# ? Mar 18, 2020 00:01

Jaguars!

Wall Street Journal:
Pros: Murdoch paper, Lots of sheets for little money
Cons: Transmission risk for capitalism

Newsweek:
Pros: Wipe your rear end with a dinosaur
Cons: Supply not secure

Time Magazine:
Pros: Well laid out, attractive red border
Cons: Mostly coasting on reputation at this point

Mad Magazine:
Pros: Technically an appreciating asset
Cons: Cheap paper

New Scientist
Pros: Worthy content
Cons: Sometimes want to refer to back issues

The New Yorker:
Pros: Christ what an rear end in a top hat jokes
Cons: Articles take longer to read than duration of average visit

# ? Mar 18, 2020 00:16

google THIS

A fistful of leaves

Pros: Well seasoned by now if you're in the northern hemisphere, making them soft and moisturizing; mold might be good for the gut flora?

Cons: Supplies still limited for the next couple months so you need an existing stockpile

# ? Mar 19, 2020 13:57

Nosfereefer: IF YOU FIND THIS POSTER OUTSIDE BYOB, PLEASE RETURN THEM. WE ARE VERY WORRIED AND WE MISS THEM

run the no-wipe lifestyle

pros: you are now a certified wild man, unshackled from the laws of both god and man

cons: ?? toilet paper mafia might get upset lmbo

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

# ? Mar 19, 2020 14:04

Finger Prince

Stay constantly dehydrated

Pros: pooping solid deer pellets, no residue to wipe

Cons:tipation

# ? Mar 19, 2020 14:17

Manifisto

time to go back to basics. what did we have before paper and papyrus? that's right, clay tablets. we just need to figure out whose cylinder seal imprints are the most pleasing and effective for the job, I bet the mesopotamians had that fully sorted

ty nesamdoom!

# ? Mar 19, 2020 14:25

Uxzuigal: Chill Berserker Dude

slightly insert a mason jar - pro: nothing to wipe as it's all internal. cons: might bleed to death.

<3 <3 Vanisher

# ? Mar 19, 2020 14:58

biosterous

Finger Prince posted:

Cons:tipation

^{^{thank you saoshyant for this sig!!!}}
^{^{gallery of sigs}}

he/him

# ? Mar 19, 2020 15:19

Escape From Noise

# ? Mar 19, 2020 19:36

google THIS

biosterous posted:

# ? Mar 19, 2020 19:50

Scaly Haylie

Finger Prince posted:

Your elbow -
Pros: hygienic way to avoid the transmission disease.
Cons: can't reach.
Solution: use someone else's elbow?

# ? Mar 19, 2020 20:26

itry

With the right food intake you can just piss from both sides. Shake it off to clean.

Be classy and do it in the shower while having a cold beer.

Pros: Light fun.

Cons: Taylor Swift

SweetWillyRollbar posted:

According to the French monk Francois Rabelais a goose's neck.
Pros: there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.

Cons: Geese are notorious jerks and will probably bite you for just being nearby.

Finger Prince posted:

Cons:tipation

itry fucked around with this message at 21:25 on Mar 19, 2020

# ? Mar 19, 2020 21:22

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:11

posting smiling

visualize a clean rear end
-meditative
-sharpen your mind (analytical problem solving)
-fun activity

# ? Mar 21, 2020 02:13

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > alternatives to toilet paper and their cons and pros