|
|
I am desperately in need of the services of Geraldo Michael Rivera, of the luxuriant mustache of justice (a.k.a. justache). Unfortunately I have no direct line of contact with the investigative journalism excellence that is Geraldo "Geraldo" Rivera, but I am hoping anxiously that the man who uncovered The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault, who panicked at the Satanic, who corresponded the hell out of the war in Afghanistan, will come to my aid! Now, more than ever, this world needs Rivera to alight from on high, fluttering down with his justache to dispense hard-knuckled justice after a series of cliffhanger endings. He is the man for the job, whatever that job might be! So, if you or anyone you know has access to this juggernaut of journalism, this colossus of coverage, please help put me in contact with him. I would like him to visit me and bring all of his reporting expertise to bear. Uncover the truths! Trip up the lying bad guys! Comfort the innocent victims! Insult others for not having solved it while he did! That's right. I need him to help me find my keys. I have somewhere I need to be but I cannot leave without them. This is really important. Escape From Noise fucked around with this message at 20:15 on Mar 28, 2020 |
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 16:55
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 08:23 |
|
|
|
I saw him 4 years ago leaving a broadway musical so you might start looking there
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 19:04
|
|
|
Geraldon't |
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 19:24
|
|
|
|
GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:Geraldon't How dare you? |
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 19:35
|
|
|
|
FluffieDuckie posted:I saw him 4 years ago leaving a broadway musical so you might start looking there So cultured! 
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 19:39
|
|
|
I saw him on TV once.
High on the hog, 90's style. |
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 22:58
|
|
|
|
SweetWillyRollbar posted:So cultured! i'm pretty sure it was Wicked so judge that as you may
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 23:12
|
|
|
|
lmao
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 23:27
|
|
|
|
geraldowebsite@gmail.com But beware, apparently breaking his nose will only make it stronger and larger.
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 23:47
|
|
|
|
Also: Two degrees of Separation -- I had a co-worker who was at the taping when the skinhead broke Geraldo's nose.
|
|
#
?
Mar 28, 2020 23:48
|
|
|
|
Remembering his ambush softball interview of Rod Blagojevich. Truly a news media innovator. |
|
#
?
Mar 29, 2020 05:15
|
|
|
uhh first of all you have to refer to him as the geraldo rivera otherwise you'll end up wasting time on cheap knockoffs.
---------------- |
|
|
#
?
Mar 29, 2020 05:16
|
|
|
you need: -6 black candles -chalk -nightshade -wormwood (dried) -vanilla incense -opium (can be tar or pods ideally, but leftover pain pills, heroin, whatever you might have around will work in a pinch) -a bronze chalice -a dagger -a small animal which is not good for eating -a lighter -some porn or a toy or whatever you need to cum bc you will have to orgasm for this ritual First, watch the sunset on an evening when the moon is waxing. The moment the sun kisses the horizon, wash your hands thoroughly, and then go into a windowless room to begin the ritual. Bless the four cardinal directions, and use the chalk to draw a circle of Solomon on the floor, approximately 5-10 feet in diameter. Unless trapped inside of such a magic circle, Geraldo will speak only in riddles and lies when summoned. Light your six candles and recite one of the Six Forbidden Incantations over each one as you light it. Place a candle on each point of the star. Place your chalice in the center of the star. Put the wormwood and nightshade into the chalice and light it on fire. Burn vanilla incense as well. Vanilla is the most popular scent among men Geraldo's age. Finally, place your opium on top of the mixture in the chalice. Speak the following incantation into the smoke: Geraldo Rivera, Lord of the Four Winds and of mountains Whose wandering eye sees and knows all Who rides upon a winged rear end and wears a crown of antlers I beseech thee, Geraldo, come before me By air, fire, earth, and water Grant me your wisdom and knowledge of hidden things Hear my word and take heed of it I beseech thee, Geraldo, come before me By the sun, the moon, the earth, and the stars Grant me your power, your favor, and your fortune May the winds carry my plea unto you, O Regent of the Dawn I beseech thee, Geraldo, come before me By my body, my blood, my breath, and my spirit I bind you herewith unto this circle May you accept my offering of fire and flesh and find it pleasing I beseech thee, Geraldo, come before me! Once you have recited the incantation, use the dagger to jook your sacrificial animal.1 Pour the animal's blood into the chalice. If you've done this all correctly, the flame should turn the color of blood, and the sound of trumpets and drums should be audible in the distance. Geraldo and his five wives will manifest within the circle, and Geraldo will answer any questions and grant limited favors. 1. If you are nontraditional and/or squeamish and/or ethically opposed to using sacrificial animals, you may substitute a stuffed animal for a real one in this ritual, but blood from a non-food animal (cat, dog, raccoon, etc.) is still required. This is most easily and humanely sourced by carefully drawing a small amount of blood from a pet with a hypodermic needle.
|
|
#
?
Mar 31, 2020 22:04
|
|
|
|
Okay. I couldn't find any black candles though. Got some deep purple colored Yankee Candles. Will that work? |
|
#
?
Apr 1, 2020 06:09
|
|
|
SweetWillyRollbar posted:Okay. I couldn't find any black candles though. Got some deep purple colored Yankee Candles. Will that work? Yeah, that'll work but only Geraldo and none of the wives show up if you use a color candle other than black. The wives aren't really necessary for getting hidden knowledge from Geraldo but they do acapella covers of pop songs and it's kind of neat to watch.
|
|
#
?
Apr 1, 2020 17:56
|
|
|
|
You can find a title company to search for his house county by county. It'll work if it isn't owned by an LLC. Then just show up or write a letter to him and put it in a fancy envelope that looks like a wedding invitation.
---------------- |
|
#
?
Apr 2, 2020 05:56
|
|
|
Barco Fiesta posted:Yeah, that'll work but only Geraldo and none of the wives show up if you use a color candle other than black. The wives aren't really necessary for getting hidden knowledge from Geraldo but to acapella covers of pop songs and it's kind of neat to watch. Actually, purple candles have a 33% chance of summoning Ted Stossel. Not worth the risk imo. |
|
#
?
Apr 2, 2020 09:54
|
|
|
sweet geek swag posted:Actually, purple candles have a 33% chance of summoning Ted Stossel. Not worth the risk imo. I'm not scared. I can beat Ted Stossel in Super Mario Bros 2. High on the hog, 90's style. |
|
#
?
Apr 2, 2020 09:56
|
|
|
sweet geek swag posted:Actually, purple candles have a 33% chance of summoning Ted Stossel. Not worth the risk imo. Ted's not that bad. First off, he appears with 5 English sheepdogs instead of 5 wives, and the dogs are pretty cool. Unlike Ted, they cannot be bound by the magic circle and will romp and play all over your basement and lick your face. They're great, really good dogs. As for Ted himself, he has no knowledge of hidden things, nor can he grant fortune or power, but he does have a lot of gift cards with some money still on them and he will give you up to 5 of them if you give his dogs some turkey or something.
|
|
#
?
Apr 4, 2020 23:51
|
|
|
geraldo riviera come find my back walls
crimes |
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2020 02:12
|
|
|
|
me in the bathroom staring at the mirror: I AM NOT THE FATHER I AM NOT THE FATHER I AM NOT THE FATHER
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2020 13:39
|
|
|
contacting geraldo is dangerously easy, but good luck harnessing his powers
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 5, 2020 18:28
|
|
|
I have only once been able to harness the power of Geraldo, but as a result, I now know the day and time when ButtTheShitmanFart will post in BYOB
|
|
#
?
Apr 8, 2020 06:51
|
|
|
|
summoning Geraldo by tearing open my white linen shirt and yelling GERALDO into the wind
|
|
#
?
Apr 8, 2020 20:33
|
|
|
|
I think we should do it, everyone. I think we should summon Geraldo!
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2022 15:46
|
|
|
|
say I’m not the father three times into a mirror during a full moon
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2022 16:31
|
|
|
|
nut posted:me in the bathroom staring at the mirror: I AM NOT THE FATHER I AM NOT THE FATHER I AM NOT THE FATHER nut posted:say I’m not the father three times into a mirror during a full moon I believe you have Geraldo Rivera confused with Maury Povich.
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2022 16:54
|
|
|
|
I don't know anything about Geraldo except that he thinks “hip-hop music has done more damage to young African-Americans than racism.” - source: Kendrick Lamar - DNA. |
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2022 17:00
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 25, 2024 08:23 |
|
|
|
Escape From Noise posted:I believe you have Geraldo Rivera confused with Maury Povich. holy poo poo I scooped myself
|
|
#
?
Feb 14, 2022 18:28
|
|