Beginner Jokes Should Only Have Three Funny Things

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Beginner Jokes Should Only Have Three Funny Things

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

It's already hard to think of all the ways three things are funny about each other. So only an expert should attempt to add a fourth one

# ? Jul 22, 2020 07:25

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 07:11

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

For instance if the thread is "ITT Jeffrey Arrives In Lee's Summit", those are already an intensely ridiculous person and location with some surprising similarities. So if you have him bringing bitcoins or hookers trying to do both is juggling a lot of balls in the air

# ? Jul 22, 2020 07:31

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Three goons walked into a

Thank you goons and goonettes you've been a great audience.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 07:56

SLICK GOKU BABY: Jun 12, 2001; Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls

Three Cookies walked into a bar OP.

They had a really crumby time.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 08:12

Weka: May 5, 2019; That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

Maybe you should try starting with one, op.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 08:33

flubber nuts: Oct 5, 2005

i have three testicles and they have all been confirmed functional via ultra sound if you want the pics you know what subreddit to find me in

# ? Jul 22, 2020 08:39

gimme the GOD DAMN candy: Jul 1, 2007

i prefer posting jokes that have no funny things, and are indistinguishable from me having a seizure.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 08:45

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

gimme the GOD drat candy posted:

i prefer posting jokes that have no funny things, and are indistinguishable from me having a seizure.

drat...

# ? Jul 22, 2020 08:51

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Weka posted:

Maybe you should try starting with one, op.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 09:42

Poohs Packin: Jan 13, 2019

Daikloktos posted:

It's already hard to think of all the ways three things are funny about each other. So only an expert should attempt to add a fourth one

Daikloktos posted:

A few years ago my sister and I were reminiscing over a playthrough of Donkey Kong 64, a game I'd spent countless hours of our youth exploring in novel 3D but had been revealed by time as a plodding incoherent scavenger hunt - a position she had always held. I remarked to her "Imagine how bad it'd suck if you lived in the Soviet Union, stood in line three hours in the snow for this game, and this was your only game like it". She replied "I mean, I guess I'd loving love it in that case. Hahahahah, wow, maybe communism has its advantages" That thought has stuck with me ever since - that a lack of overinundation retains your perspective to appreciate what you have. It's truly vast cosmic irony that a bunch of tree apes developed over millions of years to put in my hands this amusement - not even key to survival and perpetuation - of manipulating flashing lights to inhabit an entirely alien world. Against such a sweep does it matter that I could be fractionally more stimulated by Banjo-Kazooie? Only in that I know it.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 10:02

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

The_Continental posted:

K

Oh, you're quoting my Goodmined OP? It was a successful experiment. I posted that in The Imp Zone and mostly got told to stop posting and kill myself. When I posted it in C-Spam this happened

Platystemon posted:

Daikloktos posted:
That first one actually exists in real life; it's even said to have the consistency and taste of vanilla ice cream

The banana defender has logged on.

That photo is �shopped.

There is a real cultivar called �Blue Java� that does produce blueish bananas. They can look like this:

They can also look only as blue as this:

Nearly all of the plants sold as �Blue Java� in the United States are actually an unrelated cultivar because a wholesaler mixed them up and retailers pass on the bad identification. I think that variety, �Namwah�, is the one in the �shopped photo. It�s a fine banana in its own right. Neither of them taste at all like vanilla ice cream to my palate.

If you�re ever in a market in a tropical area, do try some of the local bananas. They may not taste like vanilla ice cream, but they also do not taste like the supermarket variety, �Cavendish�.

�Cavendish� itself may not be on the shelves forever. Up to a quarter of banana growers� expenses go toward controlling the black sigatoka fungus. Organic farmers spend even more money slashing and burning virgin rainforest to create a temporarily sterile environment in which they can grow an Organic� crop. Once the fungus inevitably moves in, they spray shiploads of fungicide everywhere, give up their organic certification on the property, and cut down more rainforest elsewhere to meet the demand for ~organic~ nanners.

At farmer�s markets, you might also find the �Gros Michel�, the banana that launched a thousand coups. Many people think it�s extinct, but it�s not. It is no longer the foundation of the banana republic, but it is still grown on a decent scale in Southeast Asia and on small farms throughout the tropics.

Platystemon posted:

The idea that companies will develope fungus‐resistant bananas is fiction, but not for the reason you think.

First let�s talk about banana genetics. The joke about bananas is that they haven�t had sex for ten thousand years. There is a kernel (that�s a pun) of truth to that. Edible cultivars are sterile, almost by definition.

�Gros Michel� could not be bred with �Cavendish� to get something that�s resistant to Panama disease.

However, the forebears of edible bananas were not sterile. We can go to the wild relatives of the domestic banana, breed within each species for fungus resistance, cross two species to get a seedless hybrid, and see how it performs. We�re not modifying a known tasty variety to be resistant to fungus; we�re pulling a slot machine handle and hoping to get something that tastes good and grows well.

Sexual reproduction is great, but there is another way. Clones can diverge through mutations. This can be accelerated with the atomic gardening that gave us the ruby red grapefruit (no, really), but it happens through the centuries regardless.

At around the time the (western) Roman Empire was a going concern, someone in the area of the African Great Lakes obtained a single banana plant. In the centuries since, bananas have flourished in the region. There are now some two hundred cultivars. The majority are picked green and prepared somewhat like a potato, steamed and mashed. There are at least a dozen cultivars that are specialised for beer‐making, the banana equivalent of cider apples. Ugandans eat a quarter tonne of bananas per person per year.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sK2MStmxWM

Here is what it looks like to make banana beer the traditional way. It�s more fun.

Despite the great culinary diversity displayed by East African highland bananas (EAHB), they remain extremely close genetically. Threats to the West�s favourite snack the Cavendish get all the press, but an epidemic in East African highland bananas could be this century�s potato famine.

Scientists in Uganda are working on diversifying EAHBs by finding fertile mutants.

quote:
The highest pollination success for the EAHB cultivars was expressed by cultivar �Nakabululu� (34.3%) (Nakabululu clone set) with an average of 1.5 seeds per pollinated bunch

To be clear, a �bunch� of bananas is the entire crop of one plant, not the �hand� they�re broken into at retail. So it�s like finding a needle in a haystack even with the best candidates.

Uganda isn�t the only nation reliant on bananas. Nigeria, Cameroon, C�te d�Ivoire, China, India, Indonesia, the United States, France (in Guadeloupe), Brazil, and Honduras also have breeding programmes.

So why did I say that companies weren�t going to create fungus‐resistant bananas?

Simple: these are all national efforts.

Let�s ask the big fruit companies what they think about research and development.

David McLaughlin, Chiquita�s senior director for environmental affairs said in 2003, �We supported a breeding program for forty years, but it wasn�t able to develop an alternative to Cavendish. It was very expensive and we got nothing back.� concluding �We concentrate on research into fungicides now.�

Oh dear.

Since then, they�ve backpedaled a little.

quote:
�We never left traditional breeding,� a spokesman for Chiquita told me. �In our core markets, in America and Europe, a genetically modified banana would never be marketable. At the end of the day, we�re interested in continuing to sell bananas.� Jorge Gonzales, Dole�s senior vice-president of agricultural research, said, �Traditional breeding is getting closer. This may be a shot in the dark, but if you don�t take the shot you�ve got absolutely zero chance of hitting the target.�

Chiquita may say they �never left traditional breeding� but they did sell their program to the government of Honduras. It has since had success.

Their first public release was FHIA‐01 �Goldfinger�. Some people think this will be the heir to Cavendish.

There are several contenders. FHIA‐17 has �Gros Michel� for a parent.

Another way forward is genetic modification. This is faster than breeding and produces more consistent results, but like the Chiquita guy said, it spooks Western consumers. There is still a way to use modern biotech in a limited way by breeding bananas the old fashioned way, then looking at their genes and seeing how they turned out in important areas. This saves a lot of time over putting seeds in the ground and waiting till they mature.

It was incredibly stupid for the big fruit companies to shutter their breeding programmes.

Ugandans cannot afford to be so precious about their food. They�re genetically modifying bananas to be a better source of vitamin A.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUUpi7LHBbc

There is western‐funded opposition to GMOs, but it�s tough to argue against �not going blind�.

Here�s a trial of a fungus‐resistant strain.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1TvpXKplns

They are using genetic modification to protect the crop they need to survive.

The great threats to the West�s favourite fruit are, in the final sense, ignorance and greed.

Sincerity Triumphs

Daikloktos fucked around with this message at 11:10 on Jul 22, 2020

# ? Jul 22, 2020 11:04

Poohs Packin: Jan 13, 2019

Sincerity Triumphs
[/quote]

Lol

# ? Jul 22, 2020 11:44

redm: Feb 20, 2016; Sugartime Jones

i think the number three is funny enough on its own

# ? Jul 22, 2020 11:47

Funky See Funky Do: Aug 20, 2013; STILL TRYING HARD

redm posted:

i think the number three is funny enough on its own

Every joke is made up of exactly three parts. Setup. Punchline. Embarrassment.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 12:35

KillerJunglist: May 22, 2007; Lion of Judah protect you, Jah be praised.

Bananas are okay, but the peels are hilarious!

Also you should never put bananas
In the re-fridg-er-rator.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 12:43

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

a rabbi, a priest, an imam, and the flying spaghetti monster walk into a bar...

# ? Jul 22, 2020 12:59

Nefarious 2.0: Apr 22, 2008; Offense is overrated anyway.

piss poo poo and vomit :smugdog:

# ? Jul 22, 2020 13:09

ELI PORTER: Sep 16, 2007; I posted on Something Awful and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

"teh penguin...of d00m!!"

1. "teh penguin" = typos are already hilarious and this just adds to the very funny bird known as the penguin

2. "..." a simple pause, timing is the essence of comedy

3. "of d00m!!" wow need i say more

# ? Jul 22, 2020 13:10

Kirk Vikernes: Apr 26, 2004; Count Goatnackh

My penis walks into your mom's vagina. Your mom says, "Why the long shaft?"

# ? Jul 22, 2020 13:14

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Like, a clown juggling pokeballs on a unicycle pedals off a cliff on a school field trip and they fall at a uniform rate and acceleration and his teacher proves TWO postulates that day, and also to make it even more funny the archeologist that digs up his bones in 2347 has a good laugh at the pokeballs and shakes his head saying �smart and stupid at the same time, what a civilization�.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 13:16

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

ELI PORTER posted:

"teh penguin...of d00m!!"

1. "teh penguin" = typos are already hilarious and this just adds to the very funny bird known as the penguin

2. "..." a simple pause, timing is the essence of comedy

3. "of d00m!!" wow need i say more

sorry but this doesn't make sense. penguins are not known for being ferocious or generally threatening, so terming a penguin to be 'of d00m' is simply incorrect. consider if it were 'the dragon of doom' instead - much more reasonable and a joke that everybody can enjoy

# ? Jul 22, 2020 13:18

Weka: May 5, 2019; That child totally had it coming. Nobody should be able to be out at dusk except cars.

Mozi posted:

sorry but this doesn't make sense. penguins are not known for being ferocious or generally threatening, so terming a penguin to be 'of d00m' is simply incorrect. consider if it were 'the dragon of doom' instead - much more reasonable and a joke that everybody can enjoy

I think the penguin is a gamer. That's the underlying joke, gamers.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 14:00

Chrs: Sep 21, 2015

Mozi posted:

sorry but this doesn't make sense. penguins are not known for being ferocious or generally threatening, so terming a penguin to be 'of d00m' is simply incorrect. consider if it were 'the dragon of doom' instead - much more reasonable and a joke that everybody can enjoy

That is the point though it subverts your expectations

# ? Jul 22, 2020 14:07

Worf: Sep 12, 2017; If only Seth would love me like I love him!

sometimes a penguin is just a cigar haha

# ? Jul 22, 2020 14:22

Applewhite: Aug 16, 2014; by vyelkin; Nap Ghost

�Why is there a penguin on top of the telly??� -quote from one of the funniest comedy sketches in history

# ? Jul 22, 2020 14:26

YeahTubaMike: Mar 24, 2005; *hic* Gotta finish thish . . .; Doctor Rope

Imagine three jokes on the edge of a cliff...

# ? Jul 22, 2020 14:57

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

YeahTubaMike posted:

Imagine three jokes on the edge of a cliff...

All of them are piss. :smug:

# ? Jul 22, 2020 17:46

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

Chrs posted:

That is the point though it subverts your expectations

oooh...... oh!

# ? Jul 22, 2020 17:50

Big Beef City: Aug 15, 2013

I liked funny things a lot more before you explained to me how to enjoy them, OP.

# ? Jul 22, 2020 18:01

20 Blunts: Jan 21, 2017

good jokes are just tons of observations and then explaining why they are funny, and then explaining why the explanation was funny and if u dont get it then maybe get some beers going? smoke marijuan? its been around since the greaks

# ? Jul 22, 2020 18:04

Professor Shark: May 22, 2012

Can you imagine THREE BOOBS?!??

# ? Jul 22, 2020 18:04

Worf: Sep 12, 2017; If only Seth would love me like I love him!

Professor Shark posted:

Can you imagine THREE BOOBS?!??

you don't have to imagine

there are sources

# ? Jul 22, 2020 18:06

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Like, a clown juggling pokeballs on a unicycle pedals off a cliff on a school field trip and they fall at a uniform rate and acceleration and his teacher proves TWO postulates that day, and also to make it even more funny the archeologist that digs up his bones in 2347 has a good laugh at the pokeballs and shakes his head saying �smart and stupid at the same time, what a civilization�.

This is exactly what I mean, actually. It's kind of startling

# ? Jul 23, 2020 01:01

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

2347. Good call, Clam

# ? Jul 23, 2020 01:02

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

___________________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________________

# ? Jul 23, 2020 01:53

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

So yeah, I'd say maybe stick to three

# ? Jul 23, 2020 02:05

Poohs Packin: Jan 13, 2019

Taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake.

Your meds

# ? Jul 23, 2020 22:31

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 07:11

Daikloktos: Jan 1, 2020; by Cyrano4747

This is why it bothers me that people think they're just adding one more funny thing. Even an elementary intuition of exponential growth taught in middle school should warn them against that impulse.

Linguistic studies of uncontacted Amazonian tribes are an important scientific corner-case to study the relation between language and the foundational structure of logic. Experiments with the Piraha people suggest the mathematical lexicon of human protolanguage contained only similar to "Some", "Few", and "Many"; the specific quantities the Piraha would assign these words changed depending on the context such as adding sticks to a pile vs. removing them

As I have proven by grounding the immortal science of Marxist dialectic in the classical objectivity of geometry, there is a breaking point between two funny things and three; and is it left to the reader to determine where the breaking point from "Few" to "Many" may lie.

Daikloktos fucked around with this message at 03:33 on Jul 24, 2020

# ? Jul 23, 2020 23:40

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > Beginner Jokes Should Only Have Three Funny Things