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Apr 26, 2024 03:52
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- Salacious Spy
- May 29, 2010
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Well the word got around they said this kid is insane, man
Banged in the mouth and now he's got AIDS, man
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one time I saw an Addams Family play where Uncle Fester was singing about making the moon his waifu because 3D women are disgusting. now im gay
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Nov 18, 2020 21:18
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- Diorama
- Apr 18, 2006
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i remember when all this was fields
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At least you get 90 minutes of action, even if it does include a lot of acting.
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Nov 18, 2020 21:26
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- Diorama
- Apr 18, 2006
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i remember when all this was fields
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"So there we were, it was the fourth down, 2.7 seconds on the clock when coach called a timeout; I knew that if we didn't score this innings, we'd be out of a chance at the pennant, we wouldn't even make State! So I threw a hail mary buzzer-beater and hit a home run right out of the park! They threw like 30 gallons of gatorade over the coach and made me homecoming prom king"
- American sports, as seen by me, a European
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Nov 18, 2020 21:29
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- kecske
- Feb 28, 2011
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it's round, like always
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time for a post so old it was carved into the Ark
quote:
Russ posted:
A guide to EPL club Blackburn Rovers for new American fans by Russ
You're massive Yankee oval office, probably with a terrible American sport avatar, and most of us don't want you posting here. But don't worry, most of the people who have made serious contributions to this thread are just like you. Clueless Americans who follow a team for two or three years, read a few wikipedia articles and call themselves supporters. You are not a supporter or a fan but you're probably going to "root" for a team that you have absolutely no connection to other than the fact that you like when they win.
You watched the World Cup and realised that football is the only real sport worth watching and all of your poo poo American "sports" are terrible in comparison. Now that the tournament is over you're going to try to watch a domestic league for a couple of months, probably make some terrible posts in this forum and lose interest. The only chance you have of making your pathetic attempt at becoming a football fan enjoyable is if you support Blackburn Rovers. I myself don't really like Blackburn. But I don't like lovely American posters trying to talk about football as if they know what they're on about either. You're both poo poo and made for each other.
However, while I'm not a fan of Blackburn, nor do I even live in the country they play in, I have actually seen the team in person. Because I'm one of the few posters here who actually pays money to watch football on a regular basis. Sometimes even to see clubs which I have no interest in! Because I'm a fan of football and unlike all the terrible Americans here who are either stupid or deluding themselves, watching a game on TV is poo poo compared to actually going.
I'm not going to copy and paste some poo poo about the history of the club from Wikipedia unlike all of the terrible posters who did the same for "their" club. When you're probably the kind of massive arsehole who will ask a question like "How many games are in the EPL Playoffs?" or "How does the FA Cup differ from the league cup?" you almost certainly don't give a poo poo if Blackburn finished 7th in the old first division 63/64.
There's a few important things to know. Your strip looks like this. Also note how I used the word "strip" and not "uniform" or something else gay and American because I actually know things about this sport and manage to put a sentence together without phrases like "offsides" or "Enemy Zones" which clearly show I know nothing about the game. Maybe if you want to at least try not to come across as a clueless gently caress you could consider copying me. Anyway, the kit-
It's blue and white, and yes, the sponsor Crown Paints is the same one that Liverpool had all these years ago. Oh, that's right, you're a stupid Yank oval office who knows nothing about anything that happened in football before this summer, my mistake.
Here's your new team's stadium.
There's probably a wikipedia article on it which will tell you all about it. I don't know how many people it holds and I don't care enough about you to look it up. For once in your drat life why not make the effort to do something yourself instead of calling your Mexican nanny on minimum wage to do it for you. Oh, it's called Ewood Park by the way. It's walkable from Blackburn city centre but you'd be better getting the bus from across the road from the train station I reckon. Feel free to use this information in conversation to make it seem like you have at least some knowledge of the town in which your new team plays in, you plastic American oval office.
Since you're a demanding twat who will no doubt want more information, here are literally the first few things that come to mind when I think about Blackburn. If you memorise these things then around other dumb Americans you'll probably come across as quite knowledgable. No one else will know enough about football to question you since they probably started watching in 2009.
- You won the league in 1995 when Jack Walker spent a loving fortune on players who performed for a season or two before buggering off elsewhere or becoming poo poo again. Kenny Dalglish was your manager, and he wore a big brown coat quite a lot.
- You had some reasonably famous players at that time. You won't know any of them since you probably know as much about football as w00bi (that is to say not much at all) but use this as a list of names to look up on wikipedia. Alan Shearer, Chris Sutton, Tim Flowers, Colin Henry, Henning Berg, David Batty and Tim Sherwood were all actually quite good at that time. Jason Wilcox and Stuart Ripley were there too but were mostly gash.
- After that, Kenny Dalglish went upstairs (this doesn't mean he died it means he got a new badge on his door that said DIRECTOR OF FOOTBALL yet somehow this meant he played golf a lot), Shearer went to Newcastle and your team became poo poo. Why, somehow, it's almost like Blackburn relied on these two people quite a lot. Roy Hodgson took over and the media thought he was poo poo then, so he got you relegated along with Bryan Kidd. Nobody knows how you got promoted again a year later because no one has ever watched a game outside of the English top tier.
- The money ran out and you became poo poo. You've had years of dull mid-table finishes with managhers like Graeme Souness, Mark Hughes and Paul Ince. I'm not going to lose any sleep if you don't know who Gael Givet is but loving hell, pretend to at least know one of these managers if you're attempting to be a football fan.
- You had one of these American keepers playing for you for quite a few years. His name was Brad Friedel and he's a bit like Marcus Hahnneman except he behaves like a mature adult and is good.
- Blackburn had the chance to sign Zinedine Zidane but decided not to because Garry Flitcroft was deemed to be the better option.
- Garry Flitcroft is always the first person I think of when I see the name "Garry"
- Google seems to think that Garry Shandling is a more famous Garry but Larry Sanders never went on loan to Bury did he
- This is literally all you need to know about Blackburn Rovers
Remember above I said that you were essentially human scum? Blackburn Rovers are basically the same but in football team format. Now, I hate American things, but I understand the American mindset and it's very important that you trust me. Everything you are looking for (except one thing) in a football team can be found in Blackburn. Here is a list confirming this assumption.
-You love terrible sports where the focus is on people getting hurt
The Bad Football that they play in America features lots of injuries, which is surprising because they wear padding like big girls. For some reason, dumb Americans seem to love watching this and youtube is full of awful videos set to terrible music featuring "BIG HITZ" where large men run into each other and get hurt. Blackburn Rovers are the perfect football team for you if you love to watch large men run into each other and get hurt. You were probably one of the massive faggots who complained that Spain were "boring" at the World Cup. Except you probably called them 'ESP' like a clueless oval office. Blackburn Rovers are the anti-Spain. They will not pass the ball around majestically. They will not hold possession for 12 minutes at the half way line. Blackburn Rovers will get the ball and kick it as long and as hard as possible towards one of their strikers. When they lose the ball, they will not attempt to win back possession by intelligently looking to intercept loose passes. Blackburn Rovers will kick the man with the ball. Blackburn Rovers will run towards the man with the ball and throw at least one body part in his direction. Blackburn Rovers love to hurt, injure and maim their opponents and will play a very fast, direct style of football that your small American brain will gobble up with gusto. Blackburn Rovers are a cross between the hardest hitting American football team and the fastest breaking basketball team. That is why you will love them.
-You love Large Black Men
American sports fans love Large Black Men. In any terrible GBS thread debating which football is best, every page is filled with stupid yanks posting pictures of Large Black Men and dumb things like "When you find a soccer player who can run the 100m as fast as this Large Black Man, let me know ". Blackburn Rovers are full of Large Black Men.
Christopher Samba? Large Black Man.
Jason Roberts? Large Black Man.
Stephen N'Zonzi? Large Black Man.
There's probably more. I have lost count of all of the Large Black Men that play for Blackburn. Americans will be in Large Black Men Heaven when they watch a Blackburn game.
-You love seeing fat white men in positions of authority
When you see a fat white man in a position of power, it makes you, an American, feel like maybe one day you can also become respected despite your severe weight problems. "Big" Sam Allardyce is about 6ft4 and weighs as much as one of your oversized American family cars. He is also the manager of Blackburn Rovers and gets to tell black people what to do. And he has heart problems too. This guy is your loving idol.
-You love technology in football
Wah wah wah I'm a dumb American baby and I hate seeing "bad calls" despite the fact they have been an integral part of football for over 100 years. Blackburn can't give you goalline technology, but the aforementioned Big Sam loves his gadgets. He wears an electronic headpiece thing on the sidelines to talk to his assistant, despite the fact it makes him look like a call centre employee. He's also big on technology being used to assess performance and injuries and stuff like that which we never see but most of the players at Newcastle thought it was "poo poo". You like poo poo things. That's why you'll make a fantastic Blackburn fan.
-You love winning
Right. This could be a problem. You clearly have no real interest in football and just want to support the best team. Don't be ashamed, every American poster here feels the same way too. Culture? History? A genuine connection with the team which has been built up over years? Hah! All I want to do is gloat in a gay baby's football forum when 11 men I will never see in person lift a big cup.
Blackburn can't give you success in the present day. However, I can offer you one thing which may be of interest. You won the league in 1995. If you were to decide to become a Liverpool fan as half of the other clueless American cunts around here do, you'd have to boast about last winning a league title in 1990. By supporting Blackburn, you have a five year advantage over Liverpool fans. Or alternatively: Why not support Liverpool AND Blackburn? No one here gives a poo poo! Let's just support every team! That way we can post every summer regardless of whoever wins the league.
Here are a bunch of players you should pretend to know if you're going to keep up this ridiculous charade that somehow you're not going to lose interest in football after a couple of months when you realise that it might actually involve showing a commitment to something and you'd rather just stay in bed and play Call of Duty or have a big wank.
Christopher Samba, Jason Roberts, Stephen N'Zonzi
The aforementioned Large Black Men. You can post pictures of them with their tops off and make claims about how big and strong and black they all like most Americans who try to hide their homosexuality by embracing sports.
Paul Robinson
Sometimes is good at kicking. Sometimes isn't. You won't give a gently caress anyway though, will you? You'll just post things like "Clutch save, goalie" every time he touches the ball because that's just how little your tiny American brain understands a good sport like football.
Ryan Nelson
Had a good World Cup, is a big unit, you can share pictures of him topless with your American friends and pretend you're still talking about sports. Sorry he's not black though, hope you can still get an erection you repressed human being.
"Junior" Hoilett
A Canadian black man. Now I've heard everything! He's not very good but he is North American, so why not let you media overrate him and pretend that people take him seriously as a footballer while he's tackled in training every day by 47 year old Michel Salgado.
Jason Brown
He's a Muslim, but try to avoid your natural American instinct to seperate him from his family and hold him in a nightmare death camp without giving him the decency of having the chance to defend himself at a trial, he's now your second favourite goalkeeper and you're going to respect his Allah worshipping rear end
El Hadji Diouf
Has his own charity to give African youngsters a chance in life. Bloody nice guy.
SUMMARY
gently caress off. Seriously, don't post here. Don't try to follow football. You have absolutely nothing to offer this forum. The most you can hope to contribute here is to copy and paste a "funny" football article everyone already read a week ago or post "GOLAZO!" in a matchday thread because you read an article on wikipedia that told you how Italians say GOLAZO when there's a goal and you think it makes it look like you know things about football. You have absolutely nothing to offer any team. Somehow I think Manchester United Ltd will survive without you buying a fake top from Soccer Triads and watching all of their games on pirated Chinese internet streams.
Maybe you think you can offer some kind of interesting insight by bringing your knowledge of American things to a predominately British subforum? You can't. This place is already crawling full of terrible yanks desperate to post "THIS REMINDS ME OF A SITUATION THAT HAPPENED TO MY OWN BASEBALL TEAM..." every time they see an article about a real game like football. Everyone here has heard these awful stories and analogies before and no one cares about what an American new to the sport thinks.
It won't be any fun for you either. You'll have to get up early to watch games. You'll probably get bored after 23 minutes when you realise the game might finish goalless. The magic of the World Cup will wear off and you'll realise you hate football when every game isn't a clash of different nations and cultures, but instead is a dire 0-0 draw away to Wigan. You don't know where Wigan is. You won't understand the rules. Any question you ask here will make posters laugh at you. Any joke you try to make has been made for years by other cluessless American fuckwits. It was an awful idea for you to try and read this forum in the first place.
But somehow, SOMEHOW, if you still think it's a good idea to follow football, you should support Blackburn Rovers. It will be a lot more interesting than being the 497th fan to decide to support Liverpool or Chelsea here. But I'd still prefer if you'd gently caress off forever.
Also if you call them "The Blackburn Rovers" you should genuinely consider suicide and I don't mean this in a funny way where internet posters exagerate and say "kill yourself!" for laughs, I would honestly feel a lot better if you died.
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Nov 18, 2020 21:45
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- Crespolini
- Mar 9, 2014
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that was a lot of fun
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Nov 18, 2020 21:54
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- Big Beef City
- Aug 15, 2013
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I'm mentally handicapped and think using the terms 'sportsball' and 'handegg' make me sound witty, OP.
I also enjoy watching automated car washes and memorizing train time tables ama
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Nov 18, 2020 22:13
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- Diorama
- Apr 18, 2006
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i remember when all this was fields
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time for a post so old it was carved into the Ark
Does anyone know what happened to Russ?
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Nov 18, 2020 22:23
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- Macnult
- Jul 7, 2013
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it's to help their team reposition or whatever you'd [s] and make sound like a theatrical event
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Nov 19, 2020 01:19
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- Macnult
- Jul 7, 2013
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i guess it was either make an epic thread about why NFL players kneel or why soccer players dive
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Nov 19, 2020 01:20
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- Nigmaetcetera
- Nov 17, 2004
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borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
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It’s because their wives invented them as a pastime while the husbands were cooking. I learned this on an episode of king of the hill so it must be true.
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Nov 19, 2020 02:57
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- Klyith
- Aug 3, 2007
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GBS Pledge Week
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Playing FIFA is how I really started to appreciate watching soccer, even if it's a 0-0 draw.
Funny, it's how I really started to appreciate the slots at the local casino.
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Nov 19, 2020 05:08
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- LifeLoveLive
- Jun 25, 2020
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Does anyone know what happened to Russ?
Probably banned. Seems really upset about the idea of Americans loving 'large black men'.
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Nov 19, 2020 06:35
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- runnypoops
- Mar 26, 2016
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been there. done that. prove yourself to me.
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Americans make me furious !!!!!
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Nov 19, 2020 07:51
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- Edward Mass
- Sep 14, 2011
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𝅘𝅥𝅮 I wanna go home with the armadillo
Good country music from Amarillo and Abilene
Friendliest people and the prettiest women you've ever seen𝅘𝅥𝅮
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Super Mario Bros. 3 is not a sport, despite what Hollywood says.
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Nov 19, 2020 07:53
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- Klyith
- Aug 3, 2007
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GBS Pledge Week
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Soccer: People cheat brazenly in the open by trying to fool one referee into believing some other player took out a gun and shot them. It doesn't matter that nobody else in the arena was fooled and the TVs are instant-replaying their hilarious dive.
US sports: People lay deep plans for years to cheat and fool the entire world. They win championships and say "yes, thank you, I'm the best" while knowing that they deflated balls, or whacked a trash can, or put all their student-athletes in a class whose test questions were straight out of SNL celebrity jeopardy.
The difference is possibly illuminating of some sort of national character thing, but I'm not sure that the ~~integrity of sport~~ argument has a lot of weight.
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Nov 19, 2020 16:04
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- gleebster
- Dec 16, 2006
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Only a howler
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Pillbug
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OP is right. Whist is fun, but it's no sport.
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Nov 19, 2020 16:34
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- Call Your Grandma
- Jan 17, 2010
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GOLAZO!
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Nov 26, 2020 04:53
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- Robo Reagan
- Feb 12, 2012
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by Fluffdaddy
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The difference is possibly illuminating of some sort of national character thing, but I'm not sure that the ~~integrity of sport~~ argument has a lot of weight.
every professional sport is full of cheaters lol even poo poo like sumo wrestling
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Nov 26, 2020 05:07
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- SilvergunSuperman
- Aug 7, 2010
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Just pigs colluding is one of my favourite jokes from this site.
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Nov 26, 2020 05:14
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 26, 2024 03:52
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- BigSexy
- Apr 21, 2020
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"So there we were, it was the fourth down, 2.7 seconds on the clock when coach called a timeout; I knew that if we didn't score this innings, we'd be out of a chance at the pennant, we wouldn't even make State! So I threw a hail mary buzzer-beater and hit a home run right out of the park! They threw like 30 gallons of gatorade over the coach and made me homecoming prom king"
- American sports, as seen by me, a European
This didn’t accurately capture the 6 commercial breaks and 20 minutes of real time to play the final 2.7 seconds
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Nov 26, 2020 05:26
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Nov 18, 2020 19:25
