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When aliens discover that Santa Claus exists, they kidnap him from the North Pole and force him to serve their planet instead. Insert some cliche poo poo about humans "not feeling the Christmas spirit" before they realize that he's gone.Kazzah posted:A guy accidentally kills Santa. I havent thought of the rest of the movie yet, but i can probably figure out something good with such a dynamite opening This was an episode of American Dad. Steve guns Santa down by accident, and after he's resurrected by elf magic or whatever, he vows revenge against the whole family. It's a good episode.
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Nov 24, 2020 18:43
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 15:29 |
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YeahTubaMike posted:When aliens discover that Santa Claus exists, they kidnap him from the North Pole and force him to serve their planet instead. Insert some cliche poo poo about humans "not feeling the Christmas spirit" before they realize that he's gone. Isn't that basically just Santa Claus Conquers the Martians?
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Nov 24, 2020 18:44
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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians 2 Santa returns to Mars only to discover that Dropo's incompetence as Santa has led to a nuclear war on the planet and, sadly, the complete annihilation of the Martian race. Left utterly alone in the ruins of a once great civilization, Santa ponders his role in this tragedy while avoiding the only thing left on the planet - a dumb looking robot programmed to kidnap Santa.
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Nov 24, 2020 18:48
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300 years after christ a group of christian conspirators plot to supplant saturnalia with parthenogenetic xmas party... but that wouldn't really be in the spirit, so I guess an impoverished, small town comes together to pay off their premiums and save their beloved mega-bank from slipping two percentage points on the stock market.
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Nov 24, 2020 18:52
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Everything changed for Steve Whiteman the day he discovered a secret underground message board called ElfChan, and the mysterious "E" who was broadcasting secret information straight out of the North Pole. What started as an exciting discovery turns into terror as Steve reads a message from "E" saying that a reindeer smuggling and slavery ring is operating out of his neighborhood Hallmark store. James Woods stars in "Elf-Anon: Where We Gift One, We Gift All"
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Nov 24, 2020 19:16
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gleebster posted:Isn't that basically just Santa Claus Conquers the Martians? drat it! I've never seen Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Now I'm ashamed of my snipe. 
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Nov 24, 2020 22:50
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We open on a mottled brown hen, nestled on a pile of hay. She starts, stands up and looks down at her clutch of eggs. One of them is moving! The camera zooms in as it cracks, and we see a small, adult-age Santa Claus emerge. He is glistening wet and sticky, as is the bag of presents, as are his clothes. He looks up at Mamma Hen and lets out a high-pitched croak. As he gets his bearings, another egg begins to hatch in the background, this one is evidently Mrs Claus. She is likewise sopping wet, her hairnet thing is really goopy. She has to wring it out before carefully climbing out of the remains of the shell. The hen watches them with an open mouth, wearing an intense, stupid stare. It is unclear how much time has passed. Santa opens the contents of the bag onto the floor. They are all eggs. Mrs Clause, now dry, gathers her skirt up and squats on top of the eggs, now letting the fabric fall to cover them. Santa crouches next to her. The Clauses adjust themselves, and their eyes slowly drift closed. The hen returns to her seated position on top of her eggs, including the recently hatched ones. Moisture is visible on the feathers that made contact with the broken shells. Fade to black.
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Nov 24, 2020 23:28
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Christmas Eve Online
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Nov 25, 2020 03:48
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Jasus Christ posted:We open on a mottled brown hen, nestled on a pile of hay. She starts, stands up and looks down at her clutch of eggs. One of them is moving! The camera zooms in as it cracks, and we see a small, adult-age Santa Claus emerge.
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Nov 25, 2020 03:48
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We open just before Santa's eyelid, the camera slowly zooms out, and we find he is covered in dust and what appears to be spiderwebs. He blinks, seemingly in some pain. It is dark, though Santa is dimly illuminated, as if by the moon through slats of wood. Motes of dust are visible, the air is stagnant. A pinkish pulsating mass is visible behind him. This mass has its own light. He winces as he sits up, and, using one hand as support, slowly accomplishes a standing position. We are able to see most of the cocoon behind him now, in the place we last left Mrs Claus. It is a half-moon of glistening flesh, its circulatory system clearly visible across the surface. There is also an improbably large lump just under the surface that makes its way to the far side of the mass, and disappears from view. We focus close on Santa's twinkling eyes, in time to see his pupil grow large. We see what he does: the cocoon's heartbeat quickens, and as it reaches a crescendo, splits at the tip. Emerging quickly from inside, a set of sharp black teeth rips a flap of the outer flesh partway down. We see a foal now, encased in a tarlike membrane but for its jackal head, which rips excitedly at the outer layer of skin and cartilage. Legs kick out frantically inside the membrane. We are face to face with Santa Clause again, his crow's feet becoming clearer, his cheeks rounding, his eyes moistening. The jackal creature is almost loose now, and Santa has raised his hands far above his head victoriously. We are able to see the whole room, bones make up most of the background, many human skulls on a pile of dust. Behind them, the Hen's skull resting heavily, her ribcage partially collapsed and framing the scene. Santa is atop the creature now, the red legs of his pants darkly wet from afterbirth. The creature is remarkably strong, we pan up from muscular legs up along the neck to the face, horizontal pupils staring out. The top of the nose lights up red, the glow spreads out along superficial veins, dimming the further it gets from the face. Santa lights up with a sincere, honest, loving smile. Cut to black Ventral EggSac fucked around with this message at 00:35 on Nov 26, 2020 |
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Nov 26, 2020 00:32
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Jasus Christ posted:We open just before Santa's eyelid, the camera slowly zooms out, and we find he is covered in dust and what appears to be spiderwebs. He blinks, seemingly in some pain. It is dark, though Santa is dimly illuminated, as if by the moon through slats of wood. Motes of dust are visible, the air is stagnant. A pinkish pulsating mass is visible behind him. This mass has its own light. He winces as he sits up, and, using one hand as support, slowly accomplishes a standing position.  The trailer opens with a family sitting around a dinner table. They don't have a whole lot, but they have enough - and each other. The kids smile, unable to hide their excitement - Christmas is coming soon! Mom and dad exchange knowing glances as they pass the mashed potatoes. Timmy will love his new action figures and video games, thinks mom; dad smiles warmly thinking of Susie playing with her shiny new tricycle with the sparkling tassels she wanted. Maybe they can't really afford two video games this year, or the upgraded trike... but it'll all be worth it just to see how happy the kids are. The next scene, after dinner, shows dad kissing mom on the forehead and retiring into the living room. He settles into his desk chair, and opens his laptop. We can't see the screen. An uninterested look on his face for the first few moments, random clicking... but then, focus. He becomes more and more focused on what he's reading. A look of wonder... a hope he hadn't felt since he was a young man, unburdened by this suburban life and career. "Incredible..." he mutters, reading more. A subtle smile creeps across his lips. How long had it even been since he felt this way? "Honey," asks his wife from another room, "can you come help me with the dishes?" He looks up from his laptop, stands, and takes a deep breath. "Yeah, dear, I'll be right there," he calls out in reply, "and... we need to discuss Christmas." He reaches next to him on the desk, and picks up his checkbook. As he walks out of the room, the camera pans to the laptop screen.  Hallmark Family Entertainment presents "Hot Dogs for the Holidays". Let the KIDS! get what they want... next year.
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Nov 26, 2020 04:23
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Santa Clause smokes weed
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Nov 26, 2020 04:45
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Waltzing Along posted:Santa is a woman. And all her elves are POC. And then something about how all white men are bad and are ruining christmas. Really looking forward to the soundtrack on this one.
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Nov 26, 2020 05:48
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Call Your Grandma posted:Santa Clause smokes weed That was the plot of Harold and Kumar 3
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Nov 28, 2020 00:30
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santa asks his friend Jeff Bezos for help when the elves form a union and go on strike Mr. Bezos's army of satisfied, happy and well taken care of warehouse workers save the day, and the smiles on the childrens' faces are all the overtime pay they need
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Nov 28, 2020 13:22
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Plucky english army soccer team learn the true meaning of friendship when they face the unstoppable germans in The Christmas Truce
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Nov 28, 2020 15:09
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Last Christmas It's the zombie apocalypse, and Santa's got a shotgun. He's not after the undead, though, he's gunning for the last child that believes in him so that he can finally successfully kill himself. Also, I didn't make this up. 
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Nov 29, 2020 11:25
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I turn the red wheel set in the middle of the door, hearing the pistons lock the thick steel rods into place one by one. I turn into the entrance hall, the rough-cut stone embracing my portly figure. I’m thankful to be home. It’s been a long day, and my ankles are sore. As I take off my stocking cap, Rudolph bounds down the stairs to greet me. “Good boy! Who’sa good boy!” I say, finally able to speak my native language, even if it’s to a reindeer. Rubbing his back and then belly, brown fur ruffling up, I feel the stress of the day melt out of my body. A long day of delivering toys to children is normally stress relieving enough, true. On this increasingly fascistic and warming Earth, though, I’ve had to supplement my self-care with some good-ol Rudolph time. And time with Mrs Claus. Oh, Mrs Claus. Desire building up in me fast, I almost rush over to her room, but for the sudden realization that she was probably still asleep, and I shouldn’t interfere with anyone’s ability to keep a regular schedule these days. I carefully make my way over to the bathroom, Rudolph underfoot, stripping off my work clothes as I go. It’s down the cylindrical stone hallway, to the right where the opening to a new corridor has been reinforced with a metal rib. Since coming here we haven’t put a door up to the bathroom yet. I don’t mind Rudolph's presence, and it’s out of the way enough that I would hear Mrs Claus' bulk brushing up against the hallways with enough time to warn her I was using it. My business done, I flip on the bidet. We put it in the original contract when I took this job, and I thank our foresight and human ingenuity everytime I use it - I have a lot of hair to clean. There was a lot of stuff we asked for when we came to live here, but it would have been entertaining to see their faces when they read that on the list. Really, I had to give credit where credit is due. All the time humans spent stressing about first contact, and it turns out the Coca-Cola Corporation did a pretty drat good job all by themselves. Now at the sink, I catch myself in the mirror. Not a lot has changed since our arrival, except for a nearly permanent case of hat-hair. My beard is still a striking silver, though, and the soft, twinkling eyes of my species take in my glorious corpulence with the self-assurance I wish I could pass on to my hairless ape friends. I get the sense that my human friends (even the ones who are “in the know” about my true nature) think my mouth is frozen in a delighted smile, that I couldn’t move it even if I wanted. That’s not it at all. The truth is, I loving love being Santa. Having admired myself for a few minutes now, I fail to realize Mrs Claus has snuck into the room behind me. Mrs Claus of course is her human-given name, which I’ve been told originated as a cultural indication of a pairing to "Santa Claus”, as we look virtually identical by any reasonable judgement. Maybe that’s why she’s so attractive to me. “Hello, Gorgeous” she says as she slides her hands around my midsection, stopping briefly to kiss my shoulder, “Caught in the mirror again, are we?”. “Yes, though now it seems I’ve been thrown back to sea, only to be caught up in another net” I say, caressing her arms as she works her lips along my neck, ending just behind my ear. “I better reel you in, before you get away” she whispers, as I feel her press against me from behind. Her member grows large enough to free itself from the tangle of silver fur between her legs. I feel it insist on me and she gently pulls down on my beard, guiding me down to lean over the white plywood counter. Both of us are already naked, and her hands make their way to my hips as I stare into the mirror, my great toothless grin meeting hers as she slides into me. Our gaze is almost broken by an excited, whole-body shiver on my part. I feel her spherical secondary nodules bloom inside of me, as she slowly pulls back and begins thrusting. It feels like nothing I can put into words, a sweet blissful pain, just like everytime we touch, but also unique, and tailored just for me. We’re the only ones that matter in the universe at this moment, the joy surging from my loins to my chest and out through my third eye, my toes going stiff and then relaxing as she runs through me back and forth like a kanabō through a sack of whale blubber. After a long time, and yet no time at all, her joy mingles with mine as her nodules burst open and sing inside me like hot pot stickers on a frying pan. She recedes, and I turn around to share a long, grateful kiss. “Dinner?” she says. “Sure, I can cook up some milk and cookies” “Again? We ate that last night - aw, the hell with it, sure.” I am the happiest creature alive tonight, Dear Reader.
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Nov 30, 2020 16:28
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Call Your Grandma posted:Santa Clause smokes weed Santa Claus sits on his couch on December 26th at 4:20 PM, with a fat blunt in his mouth. Superman sitting next to him lights the blunt with his heat vision.
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Nov 30, 2020 16:36
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A gritty reboot of Santa's origin where santa must fight to survive as he rises through the ranks of the North Pole's #1 gay brothel under the employ of vicious elven pimps
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Nov 30, 2020 18:46
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The War On Christmas claims its latest victim... Santa himself. When delivering presents to a communist liberal arts college dorm, one of the students overhears Santa saying the n-word... or so they claim. He actually said he hates naggin' elves, but at this school, feelings matter more than facts. Get ready for the trial of the century as Santa is brought before North Pole HR to explain his behavior and make his case. Will he win? Will the evil HR department succeed in stopping Christmas (like they stop ALL workplace fun)? Will Santa get exiled from his friends and family for a simple slip of the tongue, which he didn't even do, and even if he had, he employs multiple black elves and they all love him? Kevin Sorbo stars as Santa in Christmas is Cancelled
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Nov 30, 2020 19:02
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Earth no longer supports human life. Santa is drawn to the Universe's last remaining children, the remnants of a colony on a distant, hostile world, where the gifts he can give may make the difference between the survival of the children and the end of not only Christmas, but humanity. However, Santa must contend with a faction of religious fanatics who consider him a heretic; the children's powerful guardian, an android who is intent on raising them atheist and who will react to him with explosive violence; and the mysterious forces of the planet itself as they manipulate both sides to their own ends - and perhaps even Santa himself.
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Nov 30, 2020 19:02
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Jingle: The First Christmas Elf James is a workaholic businessman, and although he's a genius in the boardroom, he can't keep his personal life together. Recently divorced, he gets weekend visitations with his daughter, Jessica. Although dear old Dad might have a fancy apartment and all the latest gadgets, all Jessica wants for Christmas is a little time with her dad, so she makes a wish on the North Star. While he's in the middle of a meeting, James starts to feel a little... funny. His ears get a little pokier, he feels a little shorter, and his voice gets a little more high pitched. The doctors are terrified and confused - his anatomy no longer makes sense and he, by all accounts, should not be alive. As they continue to test, his body continues to change. Before long, this CEO is now the chief ELF officer! Jessica and James go on a fun adventure together, outrunning doctors and discovering all of James' cool new elf tricks - like the ability to make toys and an extreme aversion to sunlight. Finally, Jessica discovers what granted her wish - an alien hive-mind that lives on the North Star and heard her wish. Will she wish Dad back to normal? Or is James happy as Jingle, the very first Christmas elf?
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Nov 30, 2020 19:39
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A tough guy cop meets his wife at her fancy office Christmas party, they chat in her office about their future and how they could patch things up. After a while the wife goes back to the party and her husband gets ready, has a poo poo etc. Then out of nowhere a load of terrorists enter the party and poo poo goes legit crazy from there. The cop will not stand for this and so begins one man's adventures into ventilation shafts, elevator shafts and other shafts until the conclusion appears amidst a hail of bullets and Christmas wishes
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Nov 30, 2020 20:05
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