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also. a couple of points. a) like Tebulot said, a meh post is just that. not every post has to be hilarious or poignant. sometimes you're just the king of the hill gang standing in the alley saying "yup. mmmhmm" and you know what? that's great. it's welcome, hello, and chat, not welcome, hello, hope your tight five is killer because otherwise you're done in this town. b) people make mistakes. i can't think of a time you've posted something I thought was mean or hurtful or anything like that, but it can happen: maybe you're trying to make a joke, you hit a nerve that you didn't know was there. one of the nice things about this place is that the baseline assumption is that folks don't mean any harm. how many times have you seen someone say "hey, all kidding aside, please don't talk about that, I'm really sensitive about it"? pretty much without fail the response is always "hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'll delete it" or "hey, I got pretty upset for other reasons, I shouldn't have taken it out here", right? point being, we all gently caress up. what makes you a cool and good person is how you handle that, and I think this is a space where we are by default given the grace to do that. c) just post. we love you cruft.
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Jun 25, 2022 17:16
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teen witch posted:same hat, honestly. I’m what some call “very self conscious” and I’m petrified of hurting someone in the slightest. I feel that I’m shooting myself in the foot constantly trying to be “good” in everyone’s eyes.   For me, it helps to watch how my little dog interacts with other dogs. Like, sometimes the other dog gets annoyed and they nip at her, and then she backs off a bit, but for the most part she keeps at it. Like, the nips are just an expected part of getting to know the other dog's boundaries, and not an indication that she's doing things wrong. I guess that's point b of MFP's post above. I wonder if this is because I grew up around people who held back their emotions until they exploded, and/or held grudges for a LONG FRICKIN TIME. Does this describe you too, teen witch? cruft fucked around with this message at 17:30 on Jun 25, 2022 |
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Jun 25, 2022 17:27
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cruft posted:
I feel you both there teen witch and cruft. As to that last part, yes. Most assuredly that describes my family. |
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Jun 25, 2022 17:37
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You're all cool & good people as far as I have ever seen, BYOB.cruft posted:I wonder if this is because I grew up around people who held back their emotions until they exploded, and/or held grudges for a LONG FRICKIN TIME. Does this describe you too, teen witch? This is definitely a thing, yeah. Especially if when they exploded they gaslit you and blamed everything on you. For reasons that are just kind of sad to me now that I understand them, I had to become the emotional adult in my family when I was very young, and of course as a child you can't fully understand how to do that. So for me it was a lot of accepting and internalizing blame for everything and carrying an intense feeling of guilt because I felt that everything was my fault, and I felt that I had to do everything (including manage my feelings) on my own, because there was zero emotion or support at home. I remember opening up to a parent once about how over-stressed and anxious and hopeless I felt and, you know, basically the whole "I'm having a breakdown and need help." thing, and their reaction was saying "Welp.", turning around, walking out of the room and closing the door behind them. That's also more or less what I got from my friends as a teen/adolescent because I sought out people who were as emotionally void as my family because that's the only thing that felt normal to me. My needs were never as important as anyone else's, I never shared my opinions because I expected to be berated for them, etc. and I was (and still am, I'm working on it!) extremely self conscious and overly critical of myself. It's a difficult habit to break but recognizing it is the first step to breaking it  
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Jun 25, 2022 18:08
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cruft posted:I wonder if this is because I grew up around people who held back their emotions until they exploded, and/or held grudges for a LONG FRICKIN TIME. Does this describe you too, teen witch? thankfully no, though I am a child of a very bitter divorce, and I yelling was a part of it. I did grow up having to guess the mood of a room often and constantly second guessing myself. nothing is secure, everything is always up in the air and apologies seldom. I have recently learned that I fit particularly well among those deemed “fearful-avoidant”. if I hide within myself, no one can come close to me and thus, no one can hurt me. bing bong so simple.
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Jun 25, 2022 23:36
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the porcupines dilemma is a hell of a trip. i'm a little stoned so here is the path of my thought processes. when i was young i thought my pain made me different. i thought my feelings were unique and others could not understand them. when i grew older i realized my pain made me the same as everyone else, that it's the only universal human experience. where i am at now is that pain is not only universal but important and necessary. if we were all perfect we'd all be alone. wonderful utopian islands of self sufficiency and self satisfaction. the reality that we are all shattered in unique ways means that by coming together we can become complete. i am broken this way, you are broken that way, but together we can overcome the cracks and missing shards. anyways byob i love you very much you're a good people.
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Jun 25, 2022 23:47
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Yeah avoidant personality disorder is a real pain in the rear end. If I don't do anything, I will never be wrong. There is nothing wrong with this line of thinking and it has led to a very healthy life. |
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Jun 26, 2022 00:01
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Heather Papps posted:the porcupines dilemma is a hell of a trip. i'm a little stoned so here is the path of my thought processes. when i was young i thought my pain made me different. i thought my feelings were unique and others could not understand them. when i grew older i realized my pain made me the same as everyone else, that it's the only universal human experience. where i am at now is that pain is not only universal but important and necessary. if we were all perfect we'd all be alone. wonderful utopian islands of self sufficiency and self satisfaction. the reality that we are all shattered in unique ways means that by coming together we can become complete. i am broken this way, you are broken that way, but together we can overcome the cracks and missing shards. thanks for this post, friend.
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Jun 26, 2022 08:07
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Yeah I wasn't going to say anything but drat evangelion was a good look at the rough side of human psychology |
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Jun 26, 2022 09:36
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Heather Papps posted:the porcupines dilemma is a hell of a trip. i'm a little stoned so here is the path of my thought processes. when i was young i thought my pain made me different. i thought my feelings were unique and others could not understand them. when i grew older i realized my pain made me the same as everyone else, that it's the only universal human experience. where i am at now is that pain is not only universal but important and necessary. if we were all perfect we'd all be alone. wonderful utopian islands of self sufficiency and self satisfaction. the reality that we are all shattered in unique ways means that by coming together we can become complete. i am broken this way, you are broken that way, but together we can overcome the cracks and missing shards. Some strong Star Trek V vibes here. 🤓 |
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Jun 26, 2022 14:52
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cruft posted:Every time I post in BYOB I worry that it's a crappy post or it's going to make somebody angry. This post was cited recently in a spectacular blowout in another thread. I've been thinking ever since about following it up with something thoughtful and insightful, but you're going to get this post instead. First: I was exaggerating. It's not every time. I try not to exaggerate, in general, and I'm afraid this slip was an egregious one. Second: Sometimes I do stuff that hurts or offends people in other areas of my life. I think that happens to all of us from time to time. The difference is that BYOB is one of exactly two social groups where I feel comfortable enough to push boundaries intentionally. Personally, my reaction to situations where someone is hurt or offended is to apologize and strive not to make that mistake again. I honestly enjoy learning or self-teaching new ways to avoid repeating them: it tickles my brain in a way that feels rewarding. Some people are opposed to handling these types of situations in a way that involves apologizing or changing. Maybe they don't get the same reward from it. I suspect a percentage of them for some reason are not just unwilling, but actually unable to do so. Some people are just never going to enjoy logic puzzles either, even though I freakin' love them. Being someone in the brain-reward group, I think the reason I feel nervous with some posts is because this is the only place I feel safe to push against the social boundaries I've set for myself. I know that if I overstep, someone will let me know in a compassionate way that lets me learn and adjust, rather than by exploding and starting a flame war. I super appreciate the community, and I feel like it helps me be a better person in many non-BYOB aspects of my life. In closing, the nervousness, for me, is the result of BYOB feeling like a group I can trust. |
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Jul 13, 2022 03:40
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i get that, bud i don't think anyone thought you were saying byob was unwelcoming, and if I'm like any other byob posters, I think we got pretty much exactly what you meant, although you phrased it better than I could. assuming I know what meltdown you're talking about... that sounded like it was coming for a long time, and I'm sad about it but it came down to someone wanting byob to be something different than what it is now. it's ok if they don't wanna post here anymore, but I think we stuck pretty firmly to what we want this place to be I'm sorry you got dragged into that, but it was one person trying to interpret your words to match their narrative, and they had to stretch at that. anyway. I'm glad you're still posting
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Jul 13, 2022 07:38
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I am firmly out of the loop of drama but no, keep posting, stunt on your haters
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Jul 13, 2022 08:08
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teen witch posted:I am firmly out of the loop of drama but no, keep posting, stunt on your haters |
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Jul 13, 2022 13:53
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Jul 13, 2022 14:30
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Apropos of nothing it makes me sad when people are hesitant to post, or worried about how itll be received or whatever I wanna read your posts! But to do that they cant stay trapped in your noggin!
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Jul 13, 2022 14:34
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even a triflin lil post leaves me racked with indecision and i end up deleting like 70% of em lol |
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Jul 13, 2022 14:58
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occasionally i will make more posts than i remember, like if i'm particularly stoned, or have had a few beers or just a regular nite just before my medication fully kicks in. then i will have a bit of panic and check my post history but there is usually nothing there. the few times i post something i decide was actually actively bad i figure it out within a few minutes tho', not the next day, i think?
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Jul 13, 2022 15:03
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I’ve been posting a lot lately with lame jokes but sometimes maybe one takes off and that’s what byob is all about (the jokes)
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Jul 13, 2022 16:25
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more falafel please posted:I'm sorry you got dragged into that, but it was one person trying to interpret your words to match their narrative, and they had to stretch at that. I don't think it was a stretch at all; I think it made perfect sense when viewed with a lens wherein people shouldn't need to apologize. My expression of nervousness through this lens would look like evidence that the considerate/polite/apologizing atmosphere was preventing me from feeling free to express myself, or at least needlessly worrying me when I did. That was at least my take on what the explosion was about : stifling expression. I don't think the complaint was even misguided, that's a deliberate thing we're doing here, both socially and administratively (gently). It's being done in the interest of encouraging an environment that is generally non-offensive. Ironically, this is itself offensive to some people, and the person who left was acknowledging that this atmosphere was well-entrenched and wasn't going to be changed any time soon. |
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Jul 13, 2022 17:33
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 19:20 |
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i think i just want folks to hug in person recently, could use a good long hug |
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Jul 14, 2022 15:14
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