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Don’t know if there’s a general thread somewhere for this (no search) and don’t have energy to trawl forums. Are there any consolidated lists of things “I Wish I Had Known/Done Right After My Parent Died?” Because my mom died last night, and after a day of numb grief, I’m going to have to actually do stuff. edit: lol that tag i didn't even notice
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Jan 15, 2021 01:50
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 02:49 |
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Sorry for your loss. I don't know much about E/N but there is a chat thread there and some individual threads about dealing with things after a parent has died. Best of luck dealing with things, and take care of yourself.
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Jan 15, 2021 13:50
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Everyone's list will be different but looking back I wish I'd archived some social media stuff more thoroughly and also taped the funeral.
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Jan 16, 2021 00:34
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Stop being so numb. Talk to someone. Get help. Don't deal with it alone. Don't squash it down, don't pretend you're fine. Cry about it. Please. Because the alternative is carrying around the immense weight with you, and having it affect you and scarcely recognizable ways, all because you never dealt with the original trauma. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better.
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Jan 20, 2021 06:29
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Don't feel like you have to do things because they're what's expected. There's not a right way to grieve (as long as you aren't putting yourself or others at risk). When people ask what they can do, don't be afraid to take them up on that offer. It can be helpful to ask them for help/support in the future. I told a few people something along the lines of "my mom is dealing with a lot right now, but she's going to need support moving forward. It would be great if you would invite her to lunch or check in on her in a few months."
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Jan 23, 2021 02:44
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I'm going to address the practicalities instead of the grief. In my case my mother died two years ago, and for the two years prior, I uprooted my life, travelled 1500 miles, and took care of her as she slowly and painfully withered into one final breath while I was holding her hand. I was away from my wife, pets, work, friends, and during that time, I was living an alternate life with very little personal support. It's difficult to discover that the best comfort you have available is when every smile is pixelated and every laugh is at the mercy of a cell signal. To say it is excruciating seems almost an anemic word for the experience. I received certifications in hospice training and did what I had to do. I am an only child, thus without siblings. Also, I have no other living family members. So, I was it. All of it fell to me. Here are the practicalities in the aftermath: 1) You need to get a grip on every bit of paper, e-mail, financial statements, and tax records you can. Hopefully your mother was diligent about keeping these things and it will make what comes next much easier. 2) You need to make sure you put your hands on any will or trust documents immediately. Many states have an absurdly short period of time to start claimant proceedings. 3) Hire an estate attorney as soon as possible. This will make everything else easier. Even if you are the named executor, having an attorney to guide you through the process is extremely helpful. 4) You're going to need multiple copies of the Certificate of Death. Both long and short forms. They don't cost much at all. You will need them to send as originals to credit agencies, Social Security Administration, any other government assistance programs, medical services, banking institutions, and a slew of others. 5) Delegate funeral arrangements to someone else if possible. There's absolutely no reason to pile that on. 6) Listen to your attorney. 7) If you are named Executor and you really do find yourself unable to adequately perform that role. You can appoint another. Someone you implicitly trust to see it through to the end. 8) Do whatever you can to avoid things going into probate. The entire probate system can be so frustrating that some people just eventually just say 'gently caress it'. Especially if you are facing something like a seven year probate resolution. 9) Dead people are complicated. 10) Grief counseling is necessary. It absolutely is. As an aside, you will likely experience a lot of people trying to comfort your loss in ways that will ring hollow. People who try to provide consolation often fail, because they honestly don't know what to say except the basic empty-seeming lines they believe they should say. Loss is hard, personal, and unique. And most people fail at consoling others. Try not to let that sting too much. Also, if someone says "Let me know if there is anything I can do." don't let them off the hook. Tell them what you need. "Help me clear out her closets", "Help me pack up her things", "Help me clean the kitchen." - Anything you can think of that either hurts, needs attention, and isn't within your capacity to handle at the time. Corzen fucked around with this message at 05:48 on Jan 24, 2021 |
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Jan 24, 2021 05:41
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First: sorry for your loss. Losing a parent will derail your life for a while, and that's expected. Be prepared for a rough first year, and I hope you have friends that will take extra care of you during this tough time. Are you alone in this, or do you have siblings? If you have siblings, make sure to make everyone feel included in the process. Too many sad stories of sibling fighting over petty stuff after a parent dies. I have siblings, and when our parents died we talked to each other a lot and stayed close with each other. That's one of the things I'm most grateful for in my life. In short: get a hold on the financial situation. That's a practical and real thing to do. Remember to cancel stuff like cable, newspapers and magazine subscriptions etc. If one of those were payed manually, and they don't get payed now, you could get stuck with late fees and crap. If there is financial debt (mortgage, car loan, credit cards), that gets payed first from any assets (equity, bank accounts, stuff). However, in most countries, if the debt exceeds the assets, you will not inherit the debt. axolotl farmer fucked around with this message at 13:44 on Jan 28, 2021 |
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Jan 28, 2021 13:42
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I'm so sorry. I know it's already been a couple of weeks, but some things about the next few months will be a blur even as they happen, and some will become extremely vivid memories. It's been more than three years now, and just a couple of hours ago I was laughing to myself, remembering how when I argued with my mom when I was a kid, she'd press her forehead against mine so that her eyes looked super big, which always made me giggle (and then be annoyed because she had made me giggle even when all I wanted was to be mad at her). It made my heart feel full, thinking of that. One of my biggest fears in the immediate wake of her passing, which was totally unexpected, was that I would forget things about her. I wrote a really long list of every happy memory I could think of, and then every sad memory, and every big fight, because I wanted to remember her in all of her particulars. But the memory that made me laugh today wasn't one that I wrote down. That's because I have, and you have, so many memories that it's impossible to do. If that sounds like a helpful thing to do, I encourage you to try it, but don't feel bad if your list doesn't end up very long. You won't forget anything important in the long run. Something else I did was try to look up how to record voicemails from my phone to my computer. I was terrified that I would drop my phone or something and lose those files. Our family took very few videos, so I thought that was the only recording of her voice that I had left. It was helpful in the moment for me to try to capture memories that way, too. I learned later on that others did the same, and that my older brother had found some VHS tapes from Christmases when we were really young that my dad had captured on a camcorder. We got those converted to digital files. I can't remember who told me this at the time, but someone told me that being with family in a longer and more focused way in the days leading up to and following the service are rare opportunities. I spent more time with my aunts and uncles and cousins that week than I had spent since very young childhood. I became a lot closer with a couple, and they were people I could really talk to afterward. I know that things are different right now with COVID. I hope that in some ways that experience can still be replicated for you, even if it's virtual. I posted on these forums a few times. I was really struggling a few months after her passing, and I posted a thread on E/N. The folks there really were helpful. I think the other poster had the right idea in encouraging you to reach out there. One person from that board sent me a private message that was maybe the kindest thing that anyone, including family and friends, said to me. I want to share it with you, and with anyone else who visits this thread because they're in a similar situation: I don't think it would drive your mother crazy to see you grieving and frustrated. I don't know your mother, but I imagine her being incredibly patient with you as you go through all the feelings that arise in you as a result of her unfair death. I think she would have this infinite patience for you all the days of your life.
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Feb 5, 2021 02:20
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Get a journal, or start an email chain with yourself and write down specific memories, two or three pages worth. These memories, amazingly, will fade faster than you expect/want, and you'll want records to tell your kids about them etc Print out the best 50-250 photos of that person on archival grade photo paper (if possible), write names and dates on the beach to the best of your ability. Not necessarily for yourself, but for the grandchildren and great grandchildren. Physical photos are often the only records future generations have that people exist
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Feb 17, 2021 06:17
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 02:49 |
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At some point there may be a disagreement about money and/or property, could be inheritance, insurance, the house, or even just some old books/board games/computers on a shelf that'd been there since you were born and you'd like to keep, but maybe they legally belong to someone else now. Don't fight about those things. Let them go as much as possible. Grief will tear your family apart if it can. Liquid assets of my Dad were split 3 ways between me and my sisters, but I was the beneficiary of the life insurance. I paid all the funeral expenses out of kindness although legally it was his new wife's responsibility, but the rest of that money is legally my own. My sister who has made $150K/year for 15 years, no longer speaks to me, a person who makes ~28K after taxes, because I wouldn't give her $3000 that she did not need, because "that's my share out of what was left." Something similar may come up although I hope it is less severe, just be prepared to know what you feel is right, know what is legal, and stand up for it, without being hurtful to others.
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Feb 23, 2021 09:32
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