Untitled Gay Urban Fantasy Novel

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newts: Oct 10, 2012

ETA: Now with title: Heart of Bones

Blurb:

quote:

Run away to a small coastal town. Leave your dark past behind. Start over.

It was a good plan. And Jack Parker is happy living the boring life of a bookstore owner. A life outside of the world of magic. But when a new ghost shows up on his doorstep, followed by an incredibly hot detective investigating the murder of his partner, Jack knows his dream of a quiet life is about to magically disappear.

Because Detective Richard Zuraw is about to pull him back into the world he hoped he�d left behind. A world of warring magical houses, powerful talismans, and crazy cultists who would rather kill a mage like Jack than talk to him.

Can Jack and Richard work together to stop the coming apocalypse? And if not, can Jack at least figure out a way into the detective's pants before the whole drat world ends?

Hi all! This book is the start of my second series. I posted my last two books in CC and got a lot of help (and made some friends!) so I figured I�d make a new thread for a new project.

I�m trying my hand at a M/M Urban Fantasy series this time. I don�t think it�s quite sex-focused enough (though it is explicit) or romance-centered to be called a Paranormal Romance, though the relationship is a big part of the plot. First person POV. I�ve written up to approximately the mid-point in the book. I edit as I go and my writing group has been commenting and making it better, so I�m pretty confident it�s not too rough to read.

I will add my writing group�s comments on each chapter in this thread. They are pretty darn fast, so they should be up a day or so after I post a chapter. Their insights are usually spot on and they hone in like heat-seeking missiles on anything I already feel insecure about. I don�t know, maybe they�ll be interesting to read or useful to someone else. I�ll also make an effort to document what I changed in response to their comments.

But I�d also welcome any fresh eyes that might potentially see issues my writing group haven�t caught. So, if anyone would like to take a look, I�d really appreciate it. Any comments and crits welcome�I�ve got no ego about my writing so you can be as harsh as you like. I promise I can handle it�I teach college classes.

Here�s the thing: Removed because I�m ready to publish!

Complete up through chapter 16 at this point (I�ll update this to keep it current with the last finished chapter). After that, it�s still a work in progress. Warnings so far? A lot of swearing, some sexy times, abuse of plants.

newts fucked around with this message at 16:03 on Apr 29, 2023

# ? Jul 31, 2022 02:07

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:31

FightingMongoose: Oct 19, 2006

newts posted:

(Yes, it needs a title)

How about Gay! A Gay Urban Fantasy Novel?

https://i.redd.it/xygp3cdb61p21.jpg

# ? Jul 31, 2022 19:53

newts: Oct 10, 2012

FightingMongoose posted:

How about Gay! A Gay Urban Fantasy Novel?

I mean, given some of the extremely over-specific titles I�ve read on Kindle, that could probably work!

# ? Jul 31, 2022 20:30

FightingMongoose: Oct 19, 2006

More seriously, what books do you think it's similar to, so we can compare their titles?

# ? Aug 2, 2022 12:27

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Well, the titles seem to be all over the place for the genre�many of them have a running theme. But what�s important is the series title, which is mostly the names of the two main characters in some cutesy combo. I think I already have that. Though I can�t remember what you guys picked for me out of all the possible choices.

I think it was The Raven and The Crane. Which, yeah, it�s lame, but it works, I think.

# ? Aug 2, 2022 22:40

FightingMongoose: Oct 19, 2006

The Raven and The Crane: First Flight?

or does it need something to suggest romance?

# ? Aug 3, 2022 14:16

newts: Oct 10, 2012

FightingMongoose posted:

The Raven and The Crane: First Flight?

or does it need something to suggest romance?

The title/subtitle thing on KDP is totally confusing to me. I�ll probably go with a terribly over descriptive subtitle, like: A M/M Urban Fantasy.

# ? Aug 3, 2022 14:46

Sitting Here: Dec 31, 2007

Feel free to drop a link to this thread in the fiction advice thread, too! Or I can if you prefer

# ? Aug 5, 2022 09:07

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Sitting Here posted:

Feel free to drop a link to this thread in the fiction advice thread, too! Or I can if you prefer

Thanks! I�ll put a link there. I mostly lurk in the fiction thread and absorb writing tips.

# ? Aug 5, 2022 13:56

newts: Oct 10, 2012

So, I floated the potential title A Plague of Ghosts to my writing group, but I don�t think they dug it. I still like it, though I worry about the plague connotations. I�ll probably be waffling on the title until I�ve finished the whole book.

ETA: And the book is complete through Chapter 10

Writing group comments on Chapter 10 (contains spoilers):

WG1:

quote:

I�ve read chapter 10 now and I went back and read the end of 9 again since WG2 mentioned changes - I also like the new version, I think putting the info about the VM there instead of earlier works really well, and leads us into the next chapter.
I loved the first half of the chapter, I was smiling the whole time. Something about the second half feels abrupt to me - and I *think* it�s because up to this point they haven�t been acting cautiously at all, but that isn�t part of what Jack is upset about in his narration. It could be discontinuity between revisions though, this might be something you added more of in earlier chapters.

WG2:

quote:

I agree with WG1 on Ch 10. First half was me going "YESSSSS about time you tried to escape". I'm not sure how I feel about him going back only because Luna refused to abandon Richard. I think it's because I only saw one instance of Luna developing some sort of relationship with Richard. If there were 1-2 more instances of Luna showing some sign of approval of Richard, I think I'd be less bothered about it.

On the second half I think the issue is that Jack's narration is saying "I should have known" but there's nothing in the previous two scenes to prepare us for this train of thought. Like they've been attacked twice now, if he's gonna run and abandon Richard, and then feel guilty discovering he's dead, he should have some thoughts prior along the lines of what might happen to Richard alone, he's a big boy, etc. Without some sort of set up (which doesn't have to be narration, it could be Jack or Richard noticing something off on getting back to the hotel room, or Richard being distracted by something while trying to do work) the death feels a little bit like running into a random encounter. I don't think it's a huge issue, probably something you'll smooth out during later edits.

WG3:

quote:

I agree with the above. Maybe motivate Jack going back and why he really cares about dick being dead. But I though Luna going back was fine, because they're mYsTeRiOuS. I really liked the scene in the hardware store btw.

Edits in response to comments: I expanded the bit where Jack brings Rich back to life a lot�I already felt like this was too abrupt and needed a little more weight. I tried to tweak Jack�s sense of guilt a bit, to emphasize that he�s not exactly personally responsible for what happened to Rich, but he cares about Rich and he�s just generally a good person. So running away from someone who needs help is not something he�d do.

newts fucked around with this message at 20:57 on Sep 11, 2022

# ? Aug 6, 2022 19:46

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Chapter 11 has been revised and is ready to read. Still at work on chapter 12.

Writing group comments on Chapter 11(contains spoilers):

WG2:

quote:

I think you're right on two counts: it feels too soon coming on the heels of resurrecting Richard and also, sex logistics. I'm not entirely sure that more dialogue is what's needed; it's more that the transition into the scene needs a little more to get Jack into the right mental state?

The sex logistics point was also one that was bugging me, because you're trying to walk a line between the typical onscreen sex scene and straight up erotica. I have like typed out and deleted like 5 iterations of the next thing I'm trying to say because it's so hard to figure out how to articulate it. I think, at the moment, the scene is a weird mix of too much logistics and not enough emotion? It's almost like...the descriptions aren't stylistically consistent in the scene. Some are pretty specific as to what's happening with what the characters are doing physically, in line with what you'd see in erotica, but some aren't.

Ok so I think it's because I don't learn anything new about who Jack is, as a character. I already know he thinks Richard is hot. I already know that he hasn't had any sexual intimacy with anybody in a long time, because he's chosen to isolate himself. But what I don't know is what this moment means for him as a character. Like I get him being overcome with lust in the moment, but I kind of what to know what he thinks it means. Is it just a hook up? Is this the end of him hiding out by himself in obscure locations? Is he lying to himself about his answers to those questions? Is the binding still there and influencing things? If not, does it change anything? Is this a one off or something that he wants to happen again?

And I'm wondering all of this because what's come before has set me up to expect not to erotica, if that makes sense. Like the scene is not there to titillate, which means it needs to be there to develop character and relationship. If it were straight up erotica, I think you'd have an easier time of it, tbh.

So in terms of the physicality of the scene, it kind of doesn't matter what the moves are, but how Jack feels about them and how he interprets Richard's feelings from them.

WG1:

quote:

I�m through it now too - it does feel a little abrupt to me too. like the last time, with the makeout scene, there was tension building up to it. And this doesn�t feel like a continuation really, it almost feels like that tension needs to build up again?
Even some more of it really sinking in for Jack that he saved his life might work here. Or maybe if they discussed what�s going on with the magic more. Like, being able to see each other�s or whatever is happening there, since that seems important to �what next� for them.

Edits in response to WG comments:

I moved the sex scene later, which I was on the fence about anyway. As usual their crits stabbed right into the rotten heart of the issue. The scene came up too soon, and resolved too much tension between the characters too early.

newts fucked around with this message at 03:41 on Sep 12, 2022

# ? Aug 28, 2022 14:47

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Chapter 12 is done-ish. Could use a little bit more polish probably.

Writing group comments on Chapter 12 (spoilers):

WG3:

quote:

Yeah I liked chapter 12. I like your description of NA small towns. enough background without being an infodump

I changed some continuity stuff in 12, but made no other changes.

newts fucked around with this message at 03:44 on Sep 12, 2022

# ? Sep 4, 2022 22:11

newts: Oct 10, 2012

And� I�m up to Chapter 13!

Writing group comments on Chapter 13:

WG3:

quote:

It didn't feel too long. Although I think you could cut the section just before dinner if you wanted. Or condense the important bits into the dinner scene. The conversation wasn't boring. Probably because they're talking about magic and sex. The shape shifting seemed a bit confused to me. Is it exotic to Jack or not? I think you need pick a lane and stick to it. But overall very very good please write more.

WG1:

quote:

I finished 12 & 13 now too. Liked both, not boring. Big laugh out of me at Jack being a little slow on the uptake. The shape shifting stuff seemed fine to me, because it tied nicely into that moment and the family trying to figure out which House he�s from. I was confused why Richard called them, and why Jack didn�t ask about that? IDK why Richard would suspect they knew something. Maybe that will become clear?

WG2:

quote:

I think the only thing I'm struggling with atm is Richard. It's harder for me to follow his moods and motivations through Jack's POV. I'm having a hard time pinpointing why though. Might be that I'd have to do a whole reread to be able to spot it.

Edits made: I changed some of the info about shapeshifting. I will have to wait on fixing Richard�s personality or lack thereof, I think, until the beta reading stage.

newts fucked around with this message at 03:52 on Sep 12, 2022

# ? Sep 10, 2022 22:33

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Chapter 14 is done. I�ll post my writing group�s comments once they read it.

Writing group comments on Chapter 14:

WG2:

quote:

I like Ch 14! Things are picking up and I'm looking forward to visiting a cool new dimension (and presumably having a massive magical showdown there. I am also jealous of your ability to write short scenes. Not even 150 words for the last scene�that's an economy of word count I am in awe of.

WG1:

quote:

Ditto, nice solid chapter! I added a comment agreeing with WG2 with respect to the contrast in initial treatment between Jack & the House, despite their same type of magic. I�m wondering as well� what�s up with seeing the magic? I�m sort of unclear on whether I missed something there - I assumed it was the bond and they would both know that, initially, then I assumed Jack was unfamiliar but Richard knew what was going on, now it seems they both don�t know? It came up in a conversation once but they had bigger fish to fry, maybe I missed something that should have been obvious�

WG3:

quote:

I agree with the others that it's all solid. The only bit I wasn't keen on was the presentment of the angsty teenager.
1- Would some of your target audience be angsty teenagers? Not sure you want to denigrate them
2- Jack compares them to his own angsty teen phase, but he sounds like he had some pretty genuine reasons to be depressed, so I'm not sure the comparison holds
3- The girls herself has just seen some poo poo so I'm not sure Jack would be thinking about her in such patronising terms

Edited to try to make Jack less of a dick, smooth some scene transitions, and integrate the romance stuff a bit more.

newts fucked around with this message at 16:41 on Dec 20, 2022

# ? Sep 19, 2022 01:20

newts: Oct 10, 2012

This book might actually have a title now! Heart of Bones. I know it�s a silly fantasy title, but I think it�s a bit catchy.

Also, complete up through Chapter 15. Just a warning: this chapter contains some sex between two men. I plan to get my poo poo together and finish this by the end of October.

Comments from Writing Group:

WG3:

quote:

It's a good solid (heh) chapter, Jack resists a bit more than I'm fully comfortable with, dunno what the genre conventions are

WG2:

quote:

There's one line that really sticks out to me which I've highlighted in line, and I think it's just the fact that the word choice calls too much attention to itself, IDK. Where it potentially falls into dub-con is when Richard reaches for Jack, and then Jack shoves his hand away it's like the word choice there for Jack's actions implies stronger resistance, especially when the line of narration that follows is "Sex was great and all, but this was important". The other option I can think of is instead of Richard saying "Can we talk about it tomorrow?", cut that from Richard's dialogue so then we get the impression that Richard is taking Jack's concerns seriously and stops. Then if Jack says "Promise me we'll talk about it tomorrow." and Richard answers with "Promise" and the rest of the scene proceeds as is, it becomes quite clear.

Edited so far: To make it less dubcon-ish. Small changes to some descriptions.

newts fucked around with this message at 14:28 on Oct 3, 2022

# ? Oct 2, 2022 18:39

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Finished up through Chapter 16. I feel like I�m in the home stretch now. Book feels like it might be a little short, but I always tend to add more words when I edit. So I guess I�ll just wait and see what happens.

Comments from writing group:

WG1:

quote:

Ch 16 (I�m so behind 😱 ): I loved this, chapter flows great, the pacing feels perfect for where it is, the hook into the next chapter works beautifully. I love the ghost scene, it paints Richard in a very charming light and is funny while moving things forward. It rocks. Question: did Jack know the spell would need to be cast that way? I was surprised he didn�t need to give himself a pep talk to reveal his House tattoo because the impression I have right now is he was surprised by that.

WG3:

quote:

Chapter 16 is great! Why does Jack have lots of experience dropping his wards? Maybe I'm not a very attentive reader.

WG2:

quote:

I'm a happy camper because the conversation happened, weird ghost stuff happened, and there were great little awesome character moments that happened.

I haven�t changed Chapter 16 much except to take out a line that was confusing.

newts fucked around with this message at 16:42 on Dec 20, 2022

# ? Oct 15, 2022 21:51

newts: Oct 10, 2012

During Nano this year, I completed a single short story featuring the same characters from this book. This story takes place after the end of the novel, and, thus, spoils what happens. Spoiler alert! Both my main characters survive.

Anyway, here it is: The King Tide

# ? Dec 3, 2022 03:04

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Main book is done up through Chapter 17. Warning: this chapter contains a lot of explicit sex (and needs editing :ohdear:

). Probably 3 chapters left + epilogue to write.

I�m starting to stress about covers. Still not sure if this book fits better in to Urban Fantasy or Paranormal Romance. My gut says urban fantasy because the �romance/sex� is still the b-plot.

Writing group comments on Chapter 17:

WG2:

quote:

Read it. I agree on the expansion needed, but with all the other transitions in there now, it reads pretty smooth! Nice one.

WG1:

quote:

Ch 17: I feel like there�s a tiny moment missing in here somewhere. Richard never really acknowledges after the ghost thing how important it was that Jack did it - presumably it was risky, and it�s the first time Jack has taken initiative to move things forward in quite that way. Like he agreed to help, but since then had more or less still just been tagging along. Maybe Richard isn�t the type to hammer on it but I was kind of expecting at least an aborted attempt to thank Jack for coming up with the idea and going through with it.

The sex scene also feels like it needs maybe 1-2 more emotional pieces added, there�s a section near the beginning where that�s missing a little bit for me (it�s a little too much just the mechanics for just a little too long). Overall I think it works, it�s definitely not cringe. IDK how explicit this genre gets on the whole but it doesn�t feel out of place and you�ve done the research! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I haven�t edited Chapter 17 yet because I think I need to see the whole, finished book in context to decide what it needs/how to tweak it.

newts fucked around with this message at 16:45 on Dec 20, 2022

# ? Dec 17, 2022 01:23

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Done through Chapter 18. Almost finished with the whole book!

Writing Group comments on Chapter 18:

WG1:

quote:

I�ve looked 👀

I think the ||magic fight|| is great, that whole sequence is really strong. The first couple scenes didn�t build up to it though, they felt a little too matter-of-fact I guess? I added a comment about this, it might just be an artifact of a break between reading ch 17 and 18, because 17 *does* end on an ominous note, but I still don�t really get a sense of danger until the start of the last scene. On the one hand Jack seems sure they�re gonna fail when he�s toasting the plan, on the other he�s just thinking about Richard. IDK, it�s not working for me the way I think it�s supposed to. Even if he�s distracted, I should be worried about him.

I also really wanted another comment about Ivan right out the gate, and especially now that I�ve read the whole thing - even if it�s just Jack telling us another thing he did lol.

WG3:

quote:

I've read it. Think SFF put it better than i could. Just need to ramp up the tension immediately before the fight i think. Maybe more description of the gate and how jack feels about being face to face with one. I forget if they've been to aprexis before. Personally i think Ivan is fine as is.

WG2:

quote:

It's three for three on the above

newts fucked around with this message at 23:09 on Jan 3, 2023

# ? Dec 30, 2022 18:06

newts: Oct 10, 2012

Chapter 19 is done! I feel like there�s one more chapter left to write. Maybe two.

# ? Jan 8, 2023 01:40

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:31

newts: Oct 10, 2012

DONE!!!! It�s about 84k (but will probably get longer when I revise). I�m pretty happy with it overall. And�that�s it. I�ll be looking for beta readers in a few days.

And while they�re reading it, I�ll make a cover.

Then I�ll proofread.

And then I�ll publish this bitch.

The end.

# ? Jan 30, 2023 00:29

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