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Fig Newton posted:Re: Pirates 4. I wonder how he tasted. Being a man of God might make one stringy and flavorless.
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May 23, 2011 04:22
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TheBigBudgetSequel posted:I wonder how he tasted. Being a man of God might make one stringy and flavorless. Yeah, that's what WE thought, but then we were, like, "Wait, what?"
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May 23, 2011 13:05
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Allright, guys. I need your help. Since there's only two major release movies coming out this week, and Jay Dub and Clumsy have them covered, I want to try something like the viewer's choice idea. I went through Netflix's Instant Watch areas, and picked three films I hadn't seen and in fact had barely heard of. They all look just terrible, but you get to tell me which one I have to subject myself to! First up is CineD fave Cool Dog!  Man, what a cool dog. Next choice is Revenge of the Bridesmaids which is apparently an ABC Family made-for-TV-movie starring Raven-Symone, who is apparently an actress.  I know for a fact this was just put on shelves for sale less than a month ago, so that's a good sign. Then, last but certainly least, the tastefully named high-class film MILF  I don't really know what to say to this one, other than the horrible photoshop job n that poster makes these young men look like midgets or children. Either one would make this a much different movie. So, there you go. Which way am I going to be tortured? You can cast votes here, in the CineD General Chat thread, or by emailing us at the link on our review page.
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May 26, 2011 01:05
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Unrelated note, would anyone care if Current Releases had a Facebook page? Would you "like" us? Would you like us like us, or just regular like us? Oh just regular. Ok. What, what? Not even that? I understand.
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May 26, 2011 01:07
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 Also, if I may, I'm casting my vote for Revenge of the Bridesmaids. If the real Bridesmaids didn't completely win me over, I can only imagine how terrible that thing must be.
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May 26, 2011 01:14
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More wedding movie reviews, please. I like dogs, but Revenge of the Bridesmaids looks like a better film.
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May 26, 2011 01:18
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Please, Vargo. I have to know why these bridesmaids have been soaking in Ecto Cooler.
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May 26, 2011 01:21
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Bridesmaids for the sweet sweet tears it shall bring. Tell you what, I'll watch it too so you won't feel so alone.
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May 26, 2011 01:45
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Cool Dog looks like something Jay Dub would be forced to review and MILF looks like every teen sex comedy ever (literally looks like, I'm pretty sure they just use that one cover over and over). Clearly, Revenge of the Bridesmaids is the best choice. I mean, it stars the kid from the Cosby Show and some chick that sorta looks like Amy Adams if you squint, how can it not be a winner?
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May 26, 2011 05:53
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FalseShockWorker posted:Cool Dog looks like something Jay Dub would be forced to review and MILF looks like every teen sex comedy ever (literally looks like, I'm pretty sure they just use that one cover over and over). Clearly, Revenge of the Bridesmaids is the best choice. I mean, it stars the kid from the Cosby Show and some chick that sorta looks like Amy Adams if you squint, how can it not be a winner? MILF is a teen sex comedy with the caveat that there are no teens nor any real comedy. Even for sex comedy protagonists the guys are horrible human beings, and it's boring as all poo poo to boot. Vargo should totally watch it.
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May 26, 2011 06:09
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Oooooh, that sounds like it has potential. Forget Cosby kid and ersatz Amy Adams, I change my vote to MILF. There really can't be that many much more to say about wedding movies anyway.
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May 26, 2011 06:27
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I find it interesting that everyone in the CineD General Chat is saying MILF while everyone here, besides the guy above me is saying Bridesmaids. Also, I take it there really is no interest in a CR Facebook page?
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May 26, 2011 06:30
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Well then clearly the only option is to watch the first half of one, the second half of the other, and then write your review accordingly.
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May 26, 2011 20:46
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Vargo, I know you want nothing more to do with MILF, but the IMDB link in your review is broken.
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May 29, 2011 13:32
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I know Current Releases isn't the previous Awful Movie Review feature SA used to do, but I really enjoyed the review for MILF, in all its horribleness. I look forward to seeing more Netflix Instant Watch disasterpieces.quote:Except this is the worst kind of porn. You know how sometimes dirty movies will try to have a plot and acting (with some bizarre results)? Well, imagine one of those, but instead of a sex scene, you get all plot, and when you do get a sex scene, it's so horrible you beg them to go back to the acting. That's MILF. I see your Lemon Whores, and I raise you a Scooby Doo porn parody.
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May 29, 2011 16:02
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Father Wendigo posted:Vargo, I know you want nothing more to do with MILF, but the IMDB link in your review is broken. Whoops, that's my fault.
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May 29, 2011 17:00
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ProfessorClumsy posted:Whoops, that's my fault. It's not broken too badly; just look at the URL and delete the excess quotation marks. I see that Jamie Bernadette has coming up, in post-production, "Steampunk Samurai Biker Chick", the title of which alone has me clapping my little hands together in joyous anticipation.
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May 29, 2011 17:15
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Fig Newton posted:It's not broken too badly; just look at the URL and delete the excess quotation marks. I know, I already fixed it.
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May 29, 2011 17:27
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ProfessorClumsy posted:I know, I already fixed it. I don't mean to come off as antagonistic, but now the formatting appears to be broken. As an aside, I've become pretty dependent on you guys for movie reviews, so thanks for saving me time and some money!
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May 29, 2011 17:45
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Father Wendigo posted:I don't mean to come off as antagonistic, but now the formatting appears to be broken. Yeah, I somehow made it worse when I "fixed" it and then had to fix it again, should be back to normal soon enough.
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May 29, 2011 18:13
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XyloJW posted:
I thought that I had actually seen part of this, but then I remembered it was actually a Flintstones porn parody that I watched. Specifically I watched a Wilma/Betta lesbian scene. Let the record show that Martin R. "Vargo" Schneider knows his pornography.
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May 29, 2011 22:08
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I just had a wonderful idea. You should review some movies from The Awful Movie Database!
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May 30, 2011 22:46
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The Facebook page literally no one asked for is up and running! EDIT: We now have enough Likes for our own custom URL! http://www.facebook.com/SACurrentReleases Vargo fucked around with this message at 06:23 on Jun 4, 2011 |
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Jun 4, 2011 02:48
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http://www.somethingawful.com/d/current-movie-reviews/x-first-class.php The next issue (?) came out today, and the most important thing to note is that X-Men: First Class isn't completely awful, thank God. It was cool reading Vargo's review of X3 and X: Wolverine, because I did not see those movies and I can now feel smug knowing I made the right choice. Jay Dub's reviews weren't as entertaining, largely because the movies he reviewed didn't suck.
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Jun 5, 2011 16:20
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I'm surprised you guys didn't call out the CGI in First Class because my God it is almost as bad as the Beast mask (which SPOILERS has a mouth piece that only seems to move half the time. And by that, I mean it moved in half the scenes. There are entire scenes in which the guy behind the mask delivers lines and his putative mouth doesn't move). There were a couple of shots of battleships aligning their guns that look like they're distant land in a Zelda game. But yeah, I'm totally with you guys. Spot on as always. Remember: Mutant and Proud!
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Jun 5, 2011 21:04
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I really enjoyed this week's trip down X-Memory lane.
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Jun 5, 2011 21:06
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Schwarzwald posted:Jay Dub's reviews weren't as entertaining, largely because the movies he reviewed didn't suck. Which is probably the single biggest problem in writing this column. Not gonna lie, that one was a bitch to write.
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Jun 5, 2011 22:33
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Vargo posted:The film's "They're sick, Make them better" theme is an obvious gay-rights statement, but the movie takes it nowhere, and the metaphor somewhat dissolves when you show characters like Rogue happily joining the crowd and getting cured with absolutely no repercussions. This really confused me when I first saw the movie, Rogue not getting the treatment seemed like a slam dunk "beautiful the way you are" kind of moral, and it's weird that a story so otherwise formulaic didn't take it. Also during the big showdown on Alcatraz Storm shows her crazy weather control powers by making it really foggy. In fact, the hard trick would be to make it NOT foggy there that time of year. But whatever...
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Jun 6, 2011 10:15
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TheBigC posted:This really confused me when I first saw the movie, Rogue not getting the treatment seemed like a slam dunk "beautiful the way you are" kind of moral, and it's weird that a story so otherwise formulaic didn't take it. Isn't Rogue's power that anyone she touches passes out and drops into a coma as she absorbs their minds and powers? That power kinda sucks if you aren't evil. Even if you are evil, never being able to touch another living creature just isn't good for humans, or mammals in general.
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Jun 6, 2011 19:44
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(This might've run in the CR column yesterday, were it not for X-Week. Enjoy my pain.) Alan Jackson once asked me where I was when the planet stopped rotating on its axis. At least, I think that was the question. My only exposure to country music radio these days is while I'm flipping around trying to find the damned "We Play Everything" station. But I do indeed remember where I was. It was a Friday afternoon and I was hiding in a dark theater, hoping no one would notice the 20-something young man sitting by himself waiting for Marmaduke to begin. Then – almost as though the gods had been alerted to my predicament and decided I was in need of a good mocking – an entire classroom full of children marched in and sat down right in front of me. None of the kids seemed to mind that I was there, but I did get the occasional backward glance from their concerned teacher. I don’t know why she was so concerned. She was the one bringing her kids to see loving Marmaduke. (Shouldn’t that be considered child endangerment?) That was an ordeal in and of itself, but nothing could prepare me for the horrors that soon awaited me. I wish the world actually had stopped turning that day. Maybe then the Earth would’ve fallen out of its orbit and I wouldn’t have had to put into words my utter contempt for the world’s least necessary comic adaptation. This week marks the one-year anniversary of Professor Clumsy forcing me at knifepoint over the internet to endure the cinematic waterboarding known as Marmaduke. It seems like I can’t go a single loving day without someone bringing this up and sending me into a uncontrollable rage where I start pulling out hairs and spewing obscenities in long-dead Indo-European languages. I never get, “Hey, how ‘bout that Yogi Bear, huh?” or “Yeah, Cats & Dogs 2. That was some poo poo!” Whether in my personal life or here on the internet, it always comes back to goddamn Marmaduke. Now, Marmaduke is somehow not the lowest scored film Current Releases has ever reviewed (Hell, I’m pretty sure it’s not even the lowest score I’ve ever given). Nevertheless, against all conceivable odds, the film has lingered. It’s taken up residence in my cerebral cortex for over a year now, and has actually started affecting some of my baser instincts. I’m no stranger to releasing a massive room-clearing fart from time to time, but now I find myself turning and winking to an invisible film camera afterwards. Many nights, I’ll wake up in a cold sweat, only to suddenly start hearing the dulcet tones of Owen Wilson rattling around in my head. “Cowabarka,” he’ll say some nights in that cool, almost disturbingly nonchalant voice of his. The image of a giant dog flopping around on a surf board shoots the curl across my frontal lobe. Other nights I’ll awake to such unintelligible suggestions as “Get your bark on.” I still am not entirely sure what that’s supposed to mean. Maybe he thinks I’m a tree and that I need to cover myself in shame. And I always do, folks. I always do. Then, of course, there are the nights when I’m startled awake by the sound of a massive, earth-shaking fart. Some nights I realize I’m the one being all gassy up in this piece. Those are the nights I can go back to sleep in peace, knowing it’s just my body doing what it does best. Then there are the nights where I realize I’m imagining it, and that there’s a partially CGI’d dog farting around up in my brain. Those are the nights when I have to down an extra large dose of NyQuil (mixed with a little gin) just to get back to sleep. Fun fact: NyQuil tastes twice as bad when your illness is of the mental variety. No matter what atrocities of children’s cinema Professor Clumsy decides to throw at me, there will never be a film more irreparably damaging to my sense of self worth and personal sanity than that godawful abortion known as Marmaduke. Believe it or not, I take pride in my role as the Talking Animal Guy. This poo poo needs to be talked about by someone, and oftentimes that someone winds up being me. That’s fine. That’s how life works. Sometimes you just gotta talk about movies where celebrities voice horses that fight crime or dogs that play basketball. But, ladies and gentlemen, Marmaduke has left a scar upon my brain. There is neither a therapy intense enough nor a legal substance powerful enough to wipe that abomination from my memory. Rest assured, Marmaduke was a warning shot across the bow of quality cinema. These people are at war with us, and I’ve come to understand that war crimes like this should never be forgotten. They need to be remembered, so that mankind may never know such horrors ever again. This film most certainly needs to be remembered, but the prints deserve to be consumed in a fire. The DVDs need to be rounded up en masse and used for clay pigeons in skeet shooting. Owen Wilson needs to scrub his soul clean of this debacle by working overtime at his local animal shelter. Every time he has to bathe a great dane, he should sing to it an ode of apology as it farts right in his eyes. Even then, I doubt that will be enough.  Cowabarka, indeed.
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Jun 6, 2011 19:51
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Just think about this for a moment: there so many talking animal movies released on a weekly basis that we have a guy who loving specialises in reviewing them.
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Jun 6, 2011 20:53
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So you know how some people remember all the animated movies of the 90s fondly? Like not just the good ones, but some of the bad ones too, but they didn't care because they were kids? Do you think anyone will look back on the Marmaduke movie and go 'Man, I loved this when I was a kid!' the same way they remember crap like Ferngully?
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Jun 6, 2011 21:07
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ThemeMusicC posted:So you know how some people remember all the animated movies of the 90s fondly? Like not just the good ones, but some of the bad ones too, but they didn't care because they were kids? Yes, there are enough people in the world that there's bound to be a group in 10-20 years dedicated to the beatification of the movie Marmaduke. This is the true punishment that God in his holy wrath handed down to Adam and Eve when he kicked them out of the garden.
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Jun 6, 2011 23:39
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ProfessorClumsy posted:Just think about this for a moment: there so many talking animal movies released on a weekly basis that we have a guy who loving specialises in reviewing them. I can't wait for the review of Zookeeper. Multiple talking animals and Kevin James will make for a great one, I'm sure.
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Jun 7, 2011 01:24
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Y-Hat posted:What amazes me is that practically every one of them make money. Yes, all of their budgets are intentionally lowballed so that this is almost a guarantee, but you'd think that people would learn or, if (God forbid) they like movies like this, that they would get tired of them. Or at least that one of them might be good, even if it's entirely by accident. quote:I can't wait for the review of Zookeeper. Multiple talking animals and Kevin James will make for a great one, I'm sure. My fear is that I'll lose all the respect that I gained for him after he kicked Vince Vaughn in the nads in The Dilemma.
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Jun 7, 2011 01:40
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Jay Dub posted:Or at least that one of them might be good, even if it's entirely by accident. He takes a Gorilla to TGIFridays. Respect will be lost in record speeds.
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Jun 7, 2011 02:22
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Jay Dub posted:Which is probably the single biggest problem in writing this column. Not gonna lie, that one was a bitch to write. I think you understand, but I want to clarify that I was not trying to be critical of your abilities as a writer.
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Jun 7, 2011 03:31
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Schwarzwald posted:I think you understand, but I want to clarify that I was not trying to be critical of your abilities as a writer. No, I get you. Vargo had far more ammunition to work with. (Not that he had it easy. He nailed it.)
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Jun 7, 2011 03:35
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Jay Dub posted:No, I get you. Vargo had far more ammunition to work with. (Not that he had it easy. He nailed it.) Fun fact: ProfessorClumsy actually cut out a paragraph of the Wolverine section where I talk about the first half hour for being too positive, saying it broke the flow. Reading it a gain, he's totally right, but I still found it interesting.
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Jun 7, 2011 23:20
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Vargo posted:Fun fact: ProfessorClumsy actually cut out a paragraph of the Wolverine section where I talk about the first half hour for being too positive, saying it broke the flow. Reading it a gain, he's totally right, but I still found it interesting. Clumsy removing positive things from a review of Wolverine. 
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Jun 8, 2011 06:17
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