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whowhatwhere
Mar 15, 2010

SHINee's back
This is the first time I've ever read speculation that Varys's testicles were cut off in a ritual related to R'hllor. Given the show I suppose it's not implausible. It does seem a bit odd, even for Red Priests, to cut off the testicles alone.

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The Mutato
Feb 23, 2011

Neil deGrasse Highson
Speaking of goats, why did they have shagga + co. in like one scene this season then not show him again?

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

Wasn't there a red priest preaching about Dany in AFFC or ADWD? Moqorro or something like that.

And yeah, the full barrel of puke was what convinced me GRRM wrote this episode.

whowhatwhere
Mar 15, 2010

SHINee's back
"Slice of cake" was the trigger for me. GRRM flashbacks :gonk:

General Battuta
Feb 7, 2011

This is how you communicate with a fellow intelligence: you hurt it, you keep on hurting it, until you can distinguish the posts from the screams.
The women here are in for a bit of a rape. Like delicious slices of cake. I rape cake.

Mnemosyne
Jun 11, 2002

There's no safe way to put a cat in a paper bag!!

whowhatwhere posted:

This is the first time I've ever read speculation that Varys's testicles were cut off in a ritual related to R'hllor. Given the show I suppose it's not implausible. It does seem a bit odd, even for Red Priests, to cut off the testicles alone.

Not to start the Theon/Reek argument all over again, but do we know that Varys is ONLY missing his testicles? He could be completely sans genitals.

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

Mnemosyne posted:

Not to start the Theon/Reek argument all over again, but do we know that Varys is ONLY missing his testicles? He could be completely sans genitals.
All we know for sure is that he has a gash.

Smugworth
Apr 18, 2003

whowhatwhere posted:

This is the first time I've ever read speculation that Varys's testicles were cut off in a ritual related to R'hllor. Given the show I suppose it's not implausible. It does seem a bit odd, even for Red Priests, to cut off the testicles alone.

He explained that his balls were harvested and burned for some sort of magic ritual in Essos right? He hasn't said that on the show yet, I think, which I think they were alluding to when he asked Tyrion if he had ever explained how he became a eunuch. Suppose that might leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Fragmented
Oct 7, 2003

I'm not ready =(

I'm just going to post this again for anyone that hasn't seen it. When reading the books i always pictured ravens sounding like birds when they spoke words. Who knew they sound like Wheatly(Stephen Merchant) from Portal 2.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZyBNWVD70w

Thulsa Doom
Jun 20, 2011

Ezekiel 23:20

Rurik posted:

You'd be also against those dudes in power who cut off your manhood as a child and fed it to the goats red god.

The Red God eats manhoods. Goats eat manhoods. The Red God is a goat. The Drowned God is Cthulhu. Therefore, the Red God is Shub-Niggurath, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young.

It is known.

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

Fragmented posted:

I'm just going to post this again for anyone that hasn't seen it. When reading the books i always pictured ravens sounding like birds when they spoke words. Who knew they sound like Wheatly(Stephen Merchant) from Portal 2.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZyBNWVD70w
ASOIAF ravens will always have Roy Dotrice's voice to me. Snow! Snow! Snow!

Ambiguatron posted:

The Red God eats manhoods. Goats eat manhoods. The Red God is a goat. The Drowned God is Cthulhu. Therefore, the Red God is Shub-Niggurath, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young.

It is known.
It is known.

El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

J Greedy posted:

He explained that his balls were harvested and burned for some sort of magic ritual in Essos right? He hasn't said that on the show yet, I think, which I think they were alluding to when he asked Tyrion if he had ever explained how he became a eunuch. Suppose that might leave a bad taste in your mouth.

He did in season 1, he explained it to Littlefinger.

jsoh
Mar 24, 2007

O Muhammad, I seek your intercession with my Lord for the return of my eyesight
Considering that he said his packaged was burned, which maybe indicates involvement of Red Priests, and we know that the holy R'hollers really like burning the blood of kings, is Varys maybe a noble or something from someplace else (comedy secret targ/blackfyre) and just lying about being a peasant. Him being an exile/beggar like Viserys was could make him an easy target for ballsnatchers.

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

Yeah, him being bald/shaved is a good hint at being a secret Blackfyre/Targ with "Aegon" as his son.

El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'
Another secret Targ? Seven hells...

misguided rage
Jun 15, 2010

:shepface:God I fucking love Diablo 3 gold, it even paid for this shitty title:shepface:
The final scene of the final book is going to reveal that Varys has had a perfectly functioning dick the entire time. A twist no one will see coming!

e: wait sorry that's going to be the second to last scene, the last scene will be it getting eaten by a dragon or something in order to break the mould of conventional fantasy dick-having

Waffle Ho
Jul 29, 2004

What are they complaining about today? Fucking shithole of a city. Whining bastards, bitching about the trash or the crime or this or that.

Arrrthritis posted:

Baby I hear the birds a'callin
White Walkers and Dragon Eggs.
(Mercy)
And if I seem a bit confused
Yeah maybe, but I've got you played.

But I don't know what to do with those White Walkers and Dragon Eggs.

They're comin' again.

White Walkers all over the place. What is a eunuch to do?

e: Meanwhile Littlefinger gets this for his theme song.

:golfclap:

Intel&Sebastian
Oct 20, 2002

colonel...
i'm trying to sneak around
but i'm dummy thicc
and the clap of my ass cheeks
keeps alerting the guards!
Family Crane, sigil Jack Russell Terrier, words: Can I see you in the kitchen for moment...*angry look*

Mrs. Badcrumble
Sep 21, 2002
Varys as the third head of the dragon would be neato. A eunuch, a barren woman, and an undead dude, all of whom would be incapable of actually perpetuating the Targaryen line.

Thulsa Doom
Jun 20, 2011

Ezekiel 23:20

Mrs. Badcrumble posted:

Varys as the third head of the dragon would be neato. A eunuch, a barren woman, and an undead dude, all of whom would be incapable of actually perpetuating the Targaryen line.

It would also make all of his speeches about the realm self serving bullshit.

It's going to be hilarious when all of this is proven wrong and it turns out he's an ice spider in human form.

my bony fealty
Oct 1, 2008

Ambiguatron posted:

The Red God eats manhoods. Goats eat manhoods. The Red God is a goat. The Drowned God is Cthulhu. Therefore, the Red God is Shub-Niggurath, the black goat of the woods with a thousand young.

It is known.

Actually the Red God and the Black Goat don't get along :smug:
http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Black_Goat_of_Qohor

The "Varys and Illyrio are mermen" is the best ASoIaF theory and this is not disputable.

Thulsa Doom
Jun 20, 2011

Ezekiel 23:20
The Black Goat of Qhor is clearly Nyarlathotep, hence the enmity.

savinhill
Mar 28, 2010

Urdnot Fire posted:

All we know for sure is that he has a gash.

Maybe Varys is Jon Snow's secret mother.

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

savinhill posted:

Maybe Varys is Jon Snow's secret mother.
So Ned actually is the father? That would explain the sexual tension when Varys visited him in the Black Cells.

Also, if Varys is a women, it'd be perfect for A Song of :iceburn: and Frasier. Varys rhymes with Maris :v:

Urdnot Fire fucked around with this message at 21:23 on May 30, 2012

Blade_of_tyshalle
Jul 12, 2009

If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

A Song of Perrier and Espresso.

Hello, Seven Kingdoms. I'm listening.

Thulsa Doom
Jun 20, 2011

Ezekiel 23:20
Guys, guys, I'm re-reading the series and I figured some things out. The old black tom Arya chases through the Red Keep is the black kitten Balerion that belonged to Rhaenys Targaryen. Now, based on the descriptions of Dany riding her horse, I think the Targaryens are wargs and controlled their dragons with warg powers (but like all wargs are not restricted to one type of animal) and the black tom is actually Aegon the Conquerer, jumped from animal to animal and always living in the Red Keep.

Also a post in the spoiler thread in TVIV has lead me to conclude that there is a possibility that the source of heat used to warm Wintefell's walls and spring is not volcanic activity but an actual dragon of enormous size in some sort of hybernation, and Jon will wake it up.

Additionally, I am beginning to think that all volcanic activity on the world of ASoIaF is actually huge dragons buried in the ground, and the Doom of Valyria was some of them waking up. The Others are coming to stop the dragons from waking and destroying the world.

Another theory I've developed is that Robert's Rebellion and the leadup to it would be a more entertaining series of novels than the ones Martin's actually written and he should have written those instead.

Thulsa Doom fucked around with this message at 21:44 on May 30, 2012

The Unnamed One
Jan 13, 2012

"BOOM!"
Well clearly he will write them after this one's over.

THE USURPER'S QUEST, coming this decade century millennium stellar phase.

Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

^^ Let's wait and see whether ADOS comes out in this stellar phase before we get our hopes up.

Ambiguatron posted:

Another theory I've developed is that Robert's Rebellion and the leadup to it would be a more entertaining series of novels than the ones Martin's actually written and he should have written those instead.
I'm a huge proponent of this theory.

Blade_of_tyshalle
Jul 12, 2009

If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.

It'd be more thrilling TV, I think. Ser Keifer of the Southlands torturing a Targaryen bannerman, screaming WHERE IS THE STARK GIRL.

Duel
Jan 27, 2005

I just watched the Blackwater episode for the third time, and something Cersei told Tommen made me wonder because she was prattling on about animals and stuff in one of the scenes towards the ending.

Cersei: I'll tell you a story... you know, the one about the mother lion and her little cub. They lived in the woods.

Tommen: The Kingswood?

Cersei: Yes, my love... *slight chuckle* in the Kingswood, there lived a mother and her cub.

(Skipping ahead here)

Cersei: For one day the beasts will all bow to you. You'll be king. All the stags will bow. All the wolves will bow. The bears in the north and the foxes in the south. All the birds in the sky, and the beasts in the sea. They will all come to you, little lion. To rest a crown upon your head.

... you can see where I'm going with this. I announce my theory that Tommen is obviously Simba.

Duel
Jan 27, 2005

Blade_of_tyshalle posted:

It'd be more thrilling TV, I think. Ser Keifer of the Southlands torturing a Targaryen bannerman, screaming WHERE IS THE STARK GIRL.

That would be the greatest show since Oz or Wire.

The Unnamed One
Jan 13, 2012

"BOOM!"

Duel posted:


... you can see where I'm going with this. I announce my theory that Tommen is obviously Simba.



... You do know you have just created Tommen/Ser Pounce slash furryfics just by thinking this, right?

whowhatwhere
Mar 15, 2010

SHINee's back

El Hefe posted:

He did in season 1, he explained it to Littlefinger.

No he didn't, if by "it" you mean "how he lost his genitals".

J Greedy posted:

He explained that his balls were harvested and burned for some sort of magic ritual in Essos right? He hasn't said that on the show yet, I think, which I think they were alluding to when he asked Tyrion if he had ever explained how he became a eunuch. Suppose that might leave a bad taste in your mouth.

It is what he was referring to, but I didn't think that the magic ritual (which apparently was talking to some kind of "demon(s)") was related to the Lord of Light in any way as opposed to being some other supernatural poo poo. Varys mentioning it in that speech could be interpreted either as him just saying that magic is real, or him saying that magic is real and that he lost his genitals due to a ritual involving the Red God.

The Unnamed One posted:

... You do know you have just created Tommen/Ser Pounce slash furryfics just by thinking this, right?

If by that you mean "retroactively rewrote the timeline to create such fic" then yes.

No, I do not know of any but if we just now thought of it somebody who would get off on it already has.

whowhatwhere fucked around with this message at 23:29 on May 30, 2012

whowhatwhere
Mar 15, 2010

SHINee's back
e: stupid double posting.

Duel
Jan 27, 2005

whowhatwhere posted:


If by that you mean "retroactively rewrote the timeline to create such fic" then yes.

No, I do not know of any but if we just now thought of it somebody who would get off on it already has.

The dialogue in that episode was actually written by the beast itself and that makes it canon. Robert can be Mufasa who get's killed by a wild boar in the forest etc wait no nevermind this won't work at all

El Hefe
Oct 31, 2006

You coulda had a V8/
Instead of a tre-eight slug to yo' cranium/
I got six and I'm aimin' 'em/
Will I bust or keep you guessin'

whowhatwhere posted:

No he didn't, if by "it" you mean "how he lost his genitals".

Yes he did, go back and watch season 1 if you want.

nuncle jimbo
Apr 3, 2009

:pcgaming:

Azure_Horizon posted:



It's how I think about IRQ.


nuncle jimbo fucked around with this message at 01:16 on May 31, 2012

Colonel Pancreas
Jun 17, 2004


Mrs. Badcrumble posted:

Varys as the third head of the dragon would be neato. A eunuch, a barren woman, and an undead dude, all of whom would be incapable of actually perpetuating the Targaryen line.

Let's not rush to judgement about the undead dude.

Rape Jake.
Feb 23, 2012

by T. Mascis
Someone in this thread make a non-spoiler Game of Thrones thread in TVIV.

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Urdnot Fire
Feb 13, 2012

Colonel Pancreas posted:

Let's not rush to judgement about the undead dude.
You're right, it could just be an albino wolf instead.

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