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Double post, but making this more manageable.Sitting Here posted:Mutiny LONG so you're dead. And it didn't really feel like an action sequence to me, so I guess you're double dead. But I liked this so now what. There was everything I wanted to see in an action sequence, but not an awful lot of action. The setting interested me, the characters worked and I was drawn into the setting. I'm sure talking animals on space ships seems a little Narnia and the animals of Redwall go to space but it worked well for me. I also liked that your prot was completely helpless and useless, no action hero heroics here. Undead Resurrection into the body of a talking pig Echo Cian posted:Predator (1000 words) Either your prot can run faster than something faster than a horse or you need to contrast the myth and reality more closely. Your character can take courage from the fact it isn't as unbeatable as thought. The prot was well motivated, a believable environment and there was tension, although in the end the killing blow was too easy for me. Perhaps a mad hunger fuelled leap, taking a slice in the process? Life Nubile Hillock posted:Tensegrity This was a well executed story, with motivation, environment, tension and a nice resolution. Guys driving motorbikes on pavements is a bit of an overused image, but it fits with the big cinema image, and is a nice contrast with the saving of a cat. So you live I suppose. Life Benagain posted:Lucky Hooboy, this confused the gently caress out of me. At first I thought Rex Lee was the protagonist. Then I wondered why he was leaning back and making her hurt. I got it after a bit. Then I wondered why Chen would be pulling out a gun when he had a knife in his hand. Also why are they in this situation? What is the situation? It could be a submarine until the truck comes through the wall. Your guy is a little too action hero, and I didn't worry about the characters getting hit in the face. Death by a truck coming your wall right the gently caress now Oh god I should have done this when I read them the first time through.
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Feb 12, 2013 00:03
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CancerCakes posted:Double post, but making this more manageable. lol learn2F5 noob
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Feb 12, 2013 00:11
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sebmojo posted:
Thanks! This is all getting noted and will be taken into account in the revision(s). This works really well with what STONE OF MADNESS said, as he saved me a few words in the body that I can use to make the ending better. I'm really just stoked that people are reading my words.
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Feb 12, 2013 00:11
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Thanks everyone for your harsh crits! Looking back at Mine, everyone who has critiqued it pretty much hit the nail on the head. I wasn't planning on going back to this piece, but due to the sheer amount of critiquing it has received, I'm gonna give it another go. Oh, to whoever said it cribbed from Amnesia: you're close, but it was actually Pebumbra I played this weekend. Hiding under a desk as a monster bashes into the room is the first encounter in the second Penumbra game. I based it off of that because I thought writing such a terrifying situation would be a lot of fun. And it was; now I just have to tighten it up. Thanks again guys. I'll try to do some crits in the next round since I've been slacking with them.
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Feb 12, 2013 00:15
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CancerCakes posted:Double post, but making this more manageable. You guys are all over the crits this week and you're doing a great job. I'll have a few of my own coming down the pipe since there were a lot of good things and a lot of bad things going on this week. I am REALLY happy that people liked my piece, even if it missed the action mark. I'm excited to work on this some more and then throw it to the dogs over on the fiction farm. Maybe this is a question for the writing thread, but when we say action does that necessarily imply action that the protagonist/characters are taking? I sort of interpreted it as "exciting stuff happening in sequence" but I may have missed the mark by that definition too.
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Feb 12, 2013 00:37
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Sitting Here posted:You guys are all over the crits this week and you're doing a great job. I'll have a few of my own coming down the pipe since there were a lot of good things and a lot of bad things going on this week. It doesn't have to, but passivity just isn't that interesting to read. Your character was basically a slightly befuddled camera, which meant that she wasn't carrying her weight in the story. So as a response to the prompt, it's flawed, but as a piece of writing it's not a fatal error since her failure to act will have consequences down the line.
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Feb 12, 2013 01:07
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Lift heavy weights, everyone.
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Feb 12, 2013 01:23
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See I can't stop now, gotta burn that midnight oil. A NOTE - I can't remember who did it, but someone mentioned how ironic something was in their story in their text. Don't do that. People get their panties in a twist over if it is irony or not, and irony is a dark cosmic joke, explaining jokes or pointing them out is never a good idea. swaziloo posted:Two Thirty Lincoln to Third (839 words) Action tragedy works quite well, but this was pretty FAST AND FURIOUS - TRAGEDY ON THE STREETS. Pride is a strong motivator for stupid young men with powerful cars, but it doesn't make me like them. I would have straight up killed the guy and had the Eric have a massive breakdown on the street as the police arrived, because tragedy means everyone gets to die or go mad. You almost got away with it. Death by being mown down by some boy racer when you go get 2F2F from blockbuster. SaviourX posted:Suit on Suit (non-erotic) This crit is long, and it is super late. You got hit hard by some other crits, so I will keep this short. I could see the scene, but the motivations weren't there and the resolution of obvious suicide made the whole story entirely pointless. Death by zero-g erotic fan-fiction Bad Seafood posted:Flight (325 words) This was overly sappy, but short enough that I didn't drown in it. Original, and resolved so nicely it didn't need much more. Bad Seafood posted:"Swam through the sky just a moment ago. Should be a natural in the water." No. No one talks like this, and if they do they shouldn't. Life The Saddest Rhino posted:
I don't know what to say. I don't know if there is a level above life, but feel free to take that. I actually didn't want the kid to die, which is remarkable considering the aim of your piece. Walks on the wings of angels Chairchucker posted:What’s For Dinner? Your ending is a cop out, eating husbands as been done before, you need to do something different with it. Domestic violence seems to come up quite regularly around here, and it didn't shock enough, there should be more festering beneath the surface than just no dinner on the table. The unbreakable chopping board of +5 to spousicide was slightly unbelievable. Death by prion brain degeneration due to eating long pig Lord Windy posted:Johnny - 856 Words You have got some poo poo for spelling, typos etc, so tighten it up. The plot line was overly obvious, and the violence senseless in the fact that he doesn't give any motivation at all. Johnny is a 1d woman beater, even worse than in chairchucker's story since nothing sets him off at all. Then he just became a monster, and a very black and white story. Death by a man beating you up for reasons unknown supermikhail posted:They Are In The Walls!!1[/b] I couldn't decide if you were taking the piss with this, title and all. The group are escaping with a device that is capable of killing their invulnrable attackers and don't immediately use it. Instead they try and shoot, but they know that won't work. The device inexplicably flays peoples hands but puts holes in the bad peoples' chests. Then they don't shoot the woman who as somehow lived. I was confused. Death by walking into a wall Etherwind posted:Disquiet This is another one that confused the gently caress out of me. Clearly some kind of antichrist has been born, but the north south east west stuff just disorientated me and wasn't needed. And yet another story where there is no need for motivation because the person(s) are insane, but this makes them very difficult characters to relate to, so I didn't care about their fates. In the end all the stuff in italics caused more questions than they answered. Why is something nasty happening to the conductor, when presumably the character hasn't done nasty things to everyone they came across? Death by ftang ftang cthulu rises [quote="JuniperCake" post="412398051 It's a Hobby to Some. [/quote] This made me smile, but at one point you swap goatbear for beargoat. These are obviously not the same, sort it out. The healthy but inexplicably pus filled eye has been mentioned already by stone. I could see the setting, and the character managed to be believable and nicely over the top like any unhinged bird watcher. The story was a bit telegraphed, but not everything needs huge twists, this had a nice little resolution. If he is leaking fluids he needs to find a toilet, perhaps just blood would suffice here. Life That was the last true submission I believe. Lets take a look at the dregs. Canadian Surf Club posted:Encounter - 1000 words What is it with people editing down to 1000? Edit to what feels natural, sometimes taking out an entire sentence is better than a couple of words here and there. Anyways you late and dead already, and using the mutually respected non-fight over tea is not going to win much leniency. This is something that happens unendingly in martial arts, from kill bill to jackie chan. So what novelty did you bring to it? The actual action was clear enough, although crouching tiger hidden dragon jumping stork is not always easy to visualise. Death by ritual suicide when some one looks at you funny in starbucks Capntastic posted:The Gravity of the Situation Why is it an AK47? Why not just gunfire, a gun etc? This contractor is clearly not combat trained so why put this information in? His friend finds a happy box of grenades and PUTS THEM IN THE TRUCK ALONG WITH LOADS OF EXPENSIVE EQUIPMENT? Found just lying around? It is clear that this guy isn't a have a go hero, but why have any grenades at all? Just have him run away frantically trying to get someone on the sat phone. Also if your dress shirt has front pockets you aren't wearing the right kind of dress shirt. He charged and then slowed down? Make the charging mean something, otherwise he just sounds indecisive. And then theres the ending, which makes no sense from the motivation of the character's point of view (survival) and just as any resolution. Why would you get your self into a mexican standoff, miles away from help, where if you WIN all you get to do is watch someone get into a tub? What kind of kinky poo poo are you into? Death by AK-47 fire in a bathtub, with an erection Enough. I enjoyed this, and it made me think more critically about how I read and write. woo.
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Feb 12, 2013 01:34
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SaviourX: Suit on Suit Yeah, this is pretty bad, though it’s not obviously the worst story in the bunch. I suspect you’re catching some flak for annoying people elsewhere in CC. Martello has given you some nice detailed reasons why you suck, so I’ll just say that ‘it's about six in the morning far, far below” is fabulously meaningless. It’s every o’clock, you nonce. Bad Seafood: Flight Cute. Light, but cute. HowEVer, you need to work on your dialogue – clipped fast phrases would have worked a lot better here than the sort of languid stuff you’re putting in your dudes’ mouths. Saddest Rhino: I know this was a snarky drunken toss-off, but it actually works better than a bunch of its competitors, mainly by starting meta and narrowing down to a point of actual meaning. Chairchucker: What’s for dinner Kinda clunky in all the ways that UltraCrit SupaStar STONE OF MADNESS noted, but I actually think this is a straightforward tale told tolerably well. The end was crap though. Just have her existing in the space she’s just made for herself, you don’t need the wink and the shrinking circle. Lord Windy: Johnny Pretty terrible. Po-faced and borderline comical, which I don’t think was what you were going for. Also, what is it with everything reverberating this week? I go through my day without any reverberation to speak of; finding such a surfeit of it in my fiction is disturbing. Supermikhail: In Supermikhail, you have the best comedy russian accent in the world and I love you for it, but calling people dyslexic may want to wait until you’re not writing poo poo like: Rowan almost heard a whisper of a whisper Rowan glanced back. The figures were following at a confident jog a hundred yards away. Rowan removed the safety on his gun “Ionizers,” Heather said sideways, firing at the man, which had the necessary effect on his partner. Rowan tried to remember the controls, and hoped it would come to him when he actually saw them. That is all. Etherwind: Disquiet Ooh, yes. I was all kinds of grumpy with you for reasons, but this is nice stuff and has made me happy again. It took a couple of reads to come and while some of the obliquity is inherent, I think your tenses are unnecessarily muddled. But some lovely wordsmithing and vivid imagery. Not quite the hitting the prompt though. Juniper Cake: It’s a hobby to some It was the dreaded Screwhorn Mountain Goatbear, which Francis knew was the fourth most dangerous kind of dire goatbear! That totally cracked me up and for that I love you even more than Supermikhail. Next time you dome, however, write words that are not crap. Way too many adjectives, stupid twist ending, nonsensical plot. Canadian Surf Club: Encounter I found this story very hard to understand until I assumed the making GBS threads Wombat Stance, at which point it was still incomprehensible but at least I’d taken a load off. Capntastic: The Gravity of the Situation There’s a weird disconnect between the, well, gravity of the protagonist’s situation and his kinda herpy derpy response. Look at Echo Cian’s story for a good example of how to write a scared-but-competent character. As it is your guy’s just tossin’ the grenades (into his truck? Why into his truck, FFS?) and speculatin’ ‘bout stuff. And this: Putting distance between himself and the pursuers, if they even decided to try to follow, Darren began charging across nail-filled planks and cracked panes of glass left out in heaps next to concrete skeletons. The firing had died down, so he slowed his pace to prevent any footsteps echoing outwards and giving away his location. There was a paved walkway, full of shadow from tarps tied up all around. A good place to catch one's breath, Darren decided, sliding behind a blue tarp stained with rust trails from the rain. Within moments Darren realized that Cody would have a hard time finding him here, which might be alright given how Cody had left the truck's valuables in his care. Oh well. Without the truck's GPS, finding a route to the military checkpoint would be rough and take hours. Might be best to wait until night. So he’s running, in case his chasers bother to chase, which they might not, so he’s charging, then he’s slowing, then he’s stopping, then he’s realising, then he’s waiting. Finally – it just stops. Resolve your scenes, man. And I don’t care about his grenade pins. They are not of interest to me. Stop telling me about them. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 02:08 on Feb 12, 2013 |
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Feb 12, 2013 02:00
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Martello posted:Haha holy poo poo dude you're so bad at writing. Aside from the terrible overwriting, writing from first person means the character has to be in the narration, yeah? At least someone bothered to crit this time! If you buy me another piece of poo poo though, I guess that's some money towards the forums.  Ellipsis Sidenote: I was thinking of number 4 here http://www.dailywritingtips.com/the-elusive-ellipsis/, but probably also got all mixed up with Chicago and MLA poo poo. e: quote:resolution of obvious suicide
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Feb 12, 2013 02:05
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Thunderdome XXVII - There is only PAIN JUDGEMENT DAYIdeas are like giant lead statues, perched along the muddy banks of Satan's cesspool. -Plato citation needed It doesn't matter how strong, or cool, or fresh they are - it really doesn't - they will inevitably sink and be forgotten, unless a ROCK SOLID structure exists to keep them afloat. Some of you failed to provide such a structure this week. Those of you who sucked now have a rough map to redemption. At some point the trail runs through a library. THE WINNER: Due to popular demand, the winner this week is Echo Cian, who wrote a solid, serviceable bit of elemental chase and topped it off with some grand-scale dragonslaying. It was a vivid, exciting and, most importantly, coherent piece. It can be improved; a hundred others like it can be written also, and whether it's Echo Cian who does this or some other one of you will determine who gets a paycheck. This stuff sells. Honourable mentions to SterileTom for a very tight story and good editing, Symptomless Coma for refusing to submit to mere physicality (yet meeting the prompt exactly), Sitting Here for sharing their Moorcockean wet dream and of course Saddest Rhino for dumping a massive fly agaric in the Xbox party punchbowl. THE LOSER: SaviourX. There were many bad stories, but yours truly screamed of a lack of knowledge about how meaning is conveyed through language. All I can say is, keep trying. Read to learn and when (not if) editing, try to forget you're the writer. Read your own work as if you didn't already have a mental image in place. I'm joining Echo Cian on the judging panel this week (much less actively this time), there is room for one other and I'll leave it for E. C. to nominate who that person is when he drops the prompt.
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Feb 12, 2013 05:10
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SaviourX posted:If you buy me another piece of poo poo though, I guess that's some money towards the forums. Nope, you just get a losertar.  quote:Ellipsis Sidenote: I was thinking of number 4 here Easy solution to your Chicago/MLA horseshit. Just don't use 'em. edit: for everyone's benefit, ellipses reek of indecisive, pass-agg internet shitwriting. There are almost no situations where a comma or em dash wouldn't serve the same purpose without looking lovely. Martello fucked around with this message at 05:35 on Feb 12, 2013 |
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Feb 12, 2013 05:21
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And can I get a witness for STONE OF MADNESS' insane dedication to giving detailed crits for two dozen stories. You are the wind beneath my robo-wings.
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Feb 12, 2013 06:04
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Alright Let's do this.
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Feb 12, 2013 06:05
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The above means Sky is in for the next week.
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Feb 12, 2013 06:20
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CancerCakes posted:
Hmmm I definitely need to clean up my ending then, mostly because it wasn't meant to imply that she ate him, just boiled him to dispose of the body, so I was clearly too ambiguous. Or less ambiguous than pretty much implying exactly what didn't happen. And I probably should've spent more time on the chopping board: in my head I had one of the ones that my mum used to have when I lived with my parents which was made from the excess parts of the redone kitchen bench and was solid as hell... but I guess most people don't really have those chopping boards. :/ ALSO. I am excited to see that everyone else is as high on Saddest Rhino's masterpiece as I still am. 
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Feb 12, 2013 06:44
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No sarcasm: Chairchucker is the heart and soul of Thunderdome. That's all.
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Feb 12, 2013 07:10
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sebmojo posted:And can I get a witness for STONE OF MADNESS' insane dedication to giving detailed crits for two dozen stories. You are the wind beneath my robo-wings. Amen! STONE OF MADNESS did more than just critique every story, he built a loving parking lot at the trailhead of the path to action-prose success. If you haven't, go back and read every critique--even if you didn't read the stories. STONE not only shows what didn't work, but why it didn't work. Don't take insight like that for granted. E: Not to understate CancerCakes and sebmojo, who each put in the time to write individual reviews for every piece as well. Landmark week for those of you who have been clamoring for more critiques. Thanks guys! swaziloo fucked around with this message at 08:33 on Feb 12, 2013 |
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Feb 12, 2013 08:23
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The Saddest Rhino posted:headfuckery I just read this. Holy gently caress. Good job.
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Feb 12, 2013 13:09
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Stone of Madness I was glad to fail utterly in this because that was a really good teachable moment so at least it wasn't a pointless death.
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Feb 12, 2013 15:06
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Thanks for the feedback! I'm going to use the critiques I got to write something that sucks less next time. At the very least, I will be sure to correctly identify bodily fluids. As that is quite the embarrassing mistake to make. Kudos to all the judges, especially Stone of Madness, who took the time to give thoughtful and constructive critique to over 20 stories. Critiquing is time consuming, and you guys knocked it out of the park.
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Feb 12, 2013 17:45
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^you didn't suck, you RULED for entering. Everyone won this week  If anyone's irl friends with Echo Cian, might want to let her know she won! Give us a prompt EC!
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Feb 12, 2013 18:07
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I have managed to avoid shaming my family, if only just. However, I have not yet brought them HONOR. Echo Cian, I await your prompt. LET THE BLOOD FLOW!
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Feb 12, 2013 18:40
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STONE OF MADNESS posted:If anyone's irl friends with Echo Cian, might want to let her know she won! Give us a prompt EC! HereticMIND posted:Echo Cian, I await your prompt. LET THE BLOOD FLOW!
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Feb 12, 2013 19:00
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 Thunderdome Week XXVIII: Show me the love! Judges Echo Cian Sitting Here STONE OF MADNESS Prompt: Last week, there was a whole lot of telling instead of showing. Yuck. This week, your job is to show us an existing romance in 1200 words or less. Preferably a lot less. The love between the characters must be clearly shown, but your entry may not contain the phrase "I love you" or its variants, nor may it include a sex scene. These are crutches. Show us a strong, loving relationship between the characters that's not based solely on how good they are in bed. Don't tell us how much they love each other because we'd have no other way to know. Any "clever" attempts to circumvent the spirit of these rules will be treated accordingly.  Submission deadline: 11:59 PM Sunday, February 17th EST Entrants - SkySteak | Paradise - clammy - BadSeafood | Engine Troubles - swaziloo | Amber Grove - Symptomless Coma | In the Kingdom - HereticMIND - sebmojo | Chandrasekhar - Noah | Monday Nights - V for Vegas | Last Day - Fanky Malloons - Jeza | Milk and Honey - BlackFrost | Coffee - Cancer Cakes | I Only Have Eyes for You - JuniperCake - Zack_Gochuck | The Purple Dory - Erogenous Beef | Second Chances - Nubile Hillock | Little Mesa - Steriletom | Remembrance - Lord Windy - Fell Fire | Waking - Benagain | Revolutionary Love - HaitianDivorce - Chairchucker | Pick One Person - toanoradian | How the Legendary Hero Got a Legendary Wife - LJHalfbreed | Embrace - Down With People | Brunch - Purple Prince - Kaishai | Heart and Soul - Baggy_Brad | Rescue - DivisionPost | The Great Escape - Horrible Butts | RV - budgieinspector | Bess - twinkle cave | Hank the Petulant Vibrator Echo Cian fucked around with this message at 15:34 on Feb 18, 2013 |
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Feb 12, 2013 19:12
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I'm in. 
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Feb 12, 2013 19:24
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In it.
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Feb 12, 2013 19:30
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In, and I'll be certain to tap the blissful core of my existence informed by the
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Feb 12, 2013 19:31
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Oh god, this week is going to be a tough one. Let's give it a go, though. I'll do it. I think we should put the results of this week out as a very ill-advised anthology.
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Feb 12, 2013 19:37
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In this to win this. Blood shall flow.
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Feb 12, 2013 20:00
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Slap me down.
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Feb 12, 2013 20:01
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In.
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Feb 12, 2013 21:06
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HereticMIND posted:In this to win this. Blood shall flow. Dragon Age fanfiction incoming. signed up.
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Feb 12, 2013 21:22
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V for Vegas posted:Dragon Age fanfiction incoming.
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Feb 12, 2013 21:44
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HereticMIND posted:In this to win this. Blood shall flow. FLASH RULE: Contrary to EchoCian's prompt post, your story MUST include a sex scene, and it has to be a good one that helps us feel the love between the two characters. Not a japanese cartoon animes porn hentai one. I'm the sole arbiter of whether your sex scene is "good" or "japanese anime-cartoon hentai."
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Feb 12, 2013 21:57
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quote:Judges Bad Seafood posted:Flash Rule: All characters must be referred to by their first name. 
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Feb 12, 2013 21:58
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Well, this sounds like a lark, I'm in.
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Feb 12, 2013 21:59
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Martello posted:FLASH RULE: Contrary to EchoCian's prompt post, your story MUST include a sex scene, and it has to be a good one that helps us feel the love between the two characters. Not a japanese cartoon animes porn hentai one. I'm the sole arbiter of whether your sex scene is "good" or "japanese anime-cartoon hentai." Baka...Martello-senpai... Yeah, uh, I'll give it a shot. Never written anything you could call romantic before though. Could be a disaster.
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Feb 12, 2013 22:10
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Martello posted:FLASH RULE: Contrary to EchoCian's prompt post, your story MUST include a sex scene, and it has to be a good one that helps us feel the love between the two characters. Not a japanese cartoon animes porn hentai one. I'm the sole arbiter of whether your sex scene is "good" or "japanese anime-cartoon hentai." ... Challenge accepted, as long as you apply this rule to the others and submit one yourself adhering to the very rule you put down so you can show us kids how it's done. Oh yeah. Throwin' down the gauntlet right back at ya. You up? 
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Feb 12, 2013 22:16
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Funny, I don't see any of your names on the judges list.
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Feb 12, 2013 22:23
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