Let's Talk About Idiots! We can't stop here, this is Ba'ath country!

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tweakleton: Sep 28, 2007; USAF

While I was in Basic, we had a guy who wanted to be vehicle maintenance, that's all he wanted. We had a meeting with our shirt during the first week of basic, he answered all of our questions about our jobs. So, this guy in all of his wisdom asked how often he'd deploy as a vehicle maintainer, and our shirt said all the time doing convoys and poo poo. He cried himself to sleep every night for the rest of Basic. 100% waterworks every night.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 03:43

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# ? Apr 25, 2024 01:51

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

tweakleton posted:

While I was in Basic, we had a guy who wanted to be vehicle maintenance, that's all he wanted. We had a meeting with our shirt during the first week of basic, he answered all of our questions about our jobs. So, this guy in all of his wisdom asked how often he'd deploy as a vehicle maintainer, and our shirt said all the time doing convoys and poo poo. He cried himself to sleep every night for the rest of Basic. 100% waterworks every night.

I guess you had to be there.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 03:47

Mad Dragon: Feb 29, 2004

This one time at boot camp some dude came out of the head with a black eye. Everyone was like "he totally fell, shipmate." :laffo:

# ? Apr 8, 2013 12:10

Professor Bling: Nov 12, 2008; by LITERALLY AN ADMIN

Man this one time at BMT I got yelled at and then I yelled really loud at someone else and everyone was surprised and also a dude cried it was funny.

Can we not do basic stories anymore? Because holy poo poo that's stupid.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 14:21

whatspeakyou: Mar 3, 2010; no fucks given.

Professor Bling posted:

Man this one time at BMT I got yelled at and then I yelled really loud at someone else and everyone was surprised and also a dude cried it was funny.

Can we not do basic stories anymore? Because holy poo poo that's stupid.

Good luck with that. Basic is the biggest church of idiocy there is. It's where they all congregate to gently caress each other over repeatedly while being yelled at.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 15:29

Frosted Flake: Sep 13, 2011; Semper Shitpost Ubique

I have a really good ANP story I heard from someone in my battery:

The ANP comes across a large truck parked on a road beside a bunch of trees, and suspect that it's an IED.
ANP requests American engineering assets but things are busy that day so the Americans say it will be about 8 hours.
A little while later, the ANP is panicky calling for MEDEVAC for a priority 1 and an 1A.

Turns out that the ANP commander got tired of waiting for EoD, so he got some private to shoot an RPG at the truck.
The first round bounces off the hood, arcs high and hits a tree, killing a suicide bomber who had been hiding up there.
The ANP commander is spooked now, so he insists on the private getting closer to get a better shot.
Private shoots at close range, hits the truck square on the IED and there's a massive explosion.
The private is obviously pretty hosed up but a fragment also caught the ANP commander right in the neck.

There was also the time the battery was doing a nighttime mortar range during a pretty quiet week.
Battery is doing their drills for night firing, and fire a few rounds before "stop stop stop" comes over the radio.
Turns out that a Taliban platoon minus was trying to attack through the range that night and got caught in the open.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 15:44

LEGIT WAR CRIMINAL: Aug 29, 2008; by XyloJW

Frosted Flake posted:

Turns out that the ANP commander got tired of waiting for EoD, so he got some private to shoot an RPG at the truck.
The first round bounces off the hood, arcs high and hits a tree, killing a suicide bomber who had been hiding up there.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 17:01

Booblord Zagats: Oct 30, 2011; Pork Pro

Frosted Flake posted:

I have a really good ANP story I heard from someone in my battery:

The ANP comes across a large truck parked on a road beside a bunch of trees, and suspect that it's an IED.
ANP requests American engineering assets but things are busy that day so the Americans say it will be about 8 hours.
A little while later, the ANP is panicky calling for MEDEVAC for a priority 1 and an 1A.

Turns out that the ANP commander got tired of waiting for EoD, so he got some private to shoot an RPG at the truck.
The first round bounces off the hood, arcs high and hits a tree, killing a suicide bomber who had been hiding up there.
The ANP commander is spooked now, so he insists on the private getting closer to get a better shot.
Private shoots at close range, hits the truck square on the IED and there's a massive explosion.
The private is obviously pretty hosed up but a fragment also caught the ANP commander right in the neck.

There was also the time the battery was doing a nighttime mortar range during a pretty quiet week.
Battery is doing their drills for night firing, and fire a few rounds before "stop stop stop" comes over the radio.
Turns out that a Taliban platoon minus was trying to attack through the range that night and got caught in the open.

It's like Afghanistan is being run by the spirit of Chuck Avery and I loving love it

# ? Apr 8, 2013 17:05

timma85: Feb 13, 2006

Frosted Flake posted:

I have a really good ANP story I heard from someone in my battery:

The ANP comes across a large truck parked on a road beside a bunch of trees, and suspect that it's an IED.
ANP requests American engineering assets but things are busy that day so the Americans say it will be about 8 hours.
A little while later, the ANP is panicky calling for MEDEVAC for a priority 1 and an 1A.

Turns out that the ANP commander got tired of waiting for EoD, so he got some private to shoot an RPG at the truck.
The first round bounces off the hood, arcs high and hits a tree, killing a suicide bomber who had been hiding up there.
The ANP commander is spooked now, so he insists on the private getting closer to get a better shot.
Private shoots at close range, hits the truck square on the IED and there's a massive explosion.
The private is obviously pretty hosed up but a fragment also caught the ANP commander right in the neck.

There was also the time the battery was doing a nighttime mortar range during a pretty quiet week.
Battery is doing their drills for night firing, and fire a few rounds before "stop stop stop" comes over the radio.
Turns out that a Taliban platoon minus was trying to attack through the range that night and got caught in the open.

Where did you here this from? When I was in S-3 that exact same story was told to me by our XO and I was never quite sure if it was true.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 18:26

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

I want this story to be true so badly.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 18:28

Marshal Prolapse: Jun 23, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

DoktorLoken posted:

I want this story to be true so badly.

I just want a recreation with Benny Hill music looped off....and footage sped up.

I always kind of wished someone in Iraq or Afghanistan (or with access to video footage)* made a mix tape comp of Insurgent Fuckups. I mean I guess you could just go through live leak or something, but hey US Government Produced material is copyright free...and I wouldn't want to have to sift through the videos of horrific poo poo from Baghdad circa 2007 to find a Semtex Foolies video.

*I mean maybe Manning could have done something useful with the access he had, but no he had to be "gently caress you dad."

# ? Apr 8, 2013 18:38

Fat Twitter Man: Jan 24, 2007; by R. Guyovich

In 2003-2004, back when there were still dumb IED makers alive in Iraq, we had a UAV capture footage of a guy putting a 500-pound aircraft bomb in a hole, detonator up. It didn't quite fit in the hole, and rather than dig it back up and make the hole deeper, he decided to tamp it in with his shovel.

# ? Apr 8, 2013 19:06

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

Or dudes jumping on a pressure plate they just buried to see if it works :lol:

# ? Apr 8, 2013 19:19

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Back in 1989 a man named Mustafa Mahmoud Mazeh was attempting to prime a book bomb, which he planned to kill Salman Rushdie with. Instead he blew himself up, plus two floors of the hotel he was staying in. Nobody else was hurt.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 00:29

Frosted Flake: Sep 13, 2011; Semper Shitpost Ubique

timma85 posted:

Where did you here this from? When I was in S-3 that exact same story was told to me by our XO and I was never quite sure if it was true.

Heard it from a couple guys who were acting as forward observers at the time.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 00:50

Wingnut Ninja: Jan 11, 2003; Mostly Harmless

Do suicide bombers often hide out in trees? Are they taking a page from ninjas now?

# ? Apr 9, 2013 02:18

Vasudus: May 30, 2003

Any story involving ANP/ANA/INP/INA is probably true. Those dudes have done some crazy things.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 02:23

iKon: Oct 4, 2000; CAN'T TEST
WON'T TEST

Vasudus posted:

Any story involving ANP/ANA/INP/INA is probably true. Those dudes have done some crazy things.

Agreed. Our BN partnered with a Kandak, and I got a tour of one of their brand new big facilities in RC-East. Before heading in I noticed none of the local ANA dudes had boots, they were barefoot or in sandals. Halfway through the tour the ANA Colonel takes us through the supply depot where there's an entire CIF worth of boots. I ask, through the terp, why none of his guys have boots. He looks at me like I'm a complete loving idiot and says, through the terp, "Because then the boots wouldn't be mine."

# ? Apr 9, 2013 02:30

Marshal Prolapse: Jun 23, 2012; by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

iKon posted:

Agreed. Our BN partnered with a Kandak, and I got a tour of one of their brand new big facilities in RC-East. Before heading in I noticed none of the local ANA dudes had boots, they were barefoot or in sandals. Halfway through the tour the ANA Colonel takes us through the supply depot where there's an entire CIF worth of boots. I ask, through the terp, why none of his guys have boots. He looks at me like I'm a complete loving idiot and says, through the terp, "Because then the boots wouldn't be mine."

He's seems a like a charming Warlor...Commander.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 02:42

MA-Horus: Dec 3, 2006; I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

Frosted Flake posted:

There was also the time the battery was doing a nighttime mortar range during a pretty quiet week.
Battery is doing their drills for night firing, and fire a few rounds before "stop stop stop" comes over the radio.
Turns out that a Taliban platoon minus was trying to attack through the range that night and got caught in the open.

What are the loving odds of that? Also, who attempts to attack through a RANGE? It's gotta be the worst assaulting terrain to go across.

Also, why was a cease fire called? loving fire mission battery that.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 03:40

Mr. Nice!: Oct 13, 2005; c-spam cannot afford

Probably a case of "OH poo poo WE JUST KILLED SOMEONE ON THE RANGE CEASE FIRE" only to find out that it was Taliban.

# ? Apr 9, 2013 03:42

EBB: Feb 15, 2005

Mr. Nice! posted:

Probably a case of "OH poo poo WE JUST KILLED SOMEONE ON THE RANGE CEASE FIRE" only to find out that it was Taliban.

WAIT KEEP FIRING

MORTARS CURE MUJ

# ? Apr 9, 2013 12:23

FIDEL CASHFLOW: Oct 13, 2009

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

WAIT KEEP FIRING

MORTARS CURE MUJ

MORTARS CURE KIM

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9630509/North-Korean-army-minister-executed-with-mortar-round.html

# ? Apr 9, 2013 17:07

Riot Carol Danvers: Jul 30, 2004; It's super dumb, but I can't stop myself. This is just kind of how I do things.

Best one I ever saw was the almost-9-line for a local national fuel guy who tried to weld shut a massive leak in his fuel truck. Vaporized himself and no one else. Nine-line was never dropped due to there being "absolutely nothing left."

# ? Apr 9, 2013 23:44

Frosted Flake: Sep 13, 2011; Semper Shitpost Ubique

I've heard about some pretty scary ammo screw-ups due to clerical error. Two of them off the top of my head:

Back when the Reserves still had Cougars (armoured vehicles with the low velocity 76mm gun of the Alvis Scorpion) a unit got a pallet of ammunition for the Sherman 76 that was apparently still in the system.

A unit doing practice with the M203 was given a crate of 40mm Bofors instead of grenades. Apparently some private almost manage to jam a shell into the launcher before someone freaked out and bootfucked him.

# ? Apr 10, 2013 02:01

Fraser CDN: May 16, 2009; MORON

When Canada was going into Afghanistan (or Bosnia) the CBRN decontamination packets were the training ones and not the real ones.

# ? Apr 10, 2013 02:44

Ultimate Shrek Fan: May 2, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Fraser CDN posted:

When Canada was going into Afghanistan (or Bosnia) the CBRN decontamination packets were the training ones and not the real ones.

Are you talking about the RSLD or whatever? Because they use the real stuff in training so the poo poo you got was real.

# ? Apr 10, 2013 03:15

Fraser CDN: May 16, 2009; MORON

Im not sure im talking about the oily decontamination packets. They were blue and if memory serves me right( its been 5 years) they said for training use on them.

# ? Apr 10, 2013 03:54

Ultimate Shrek Fan: May 2, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Fraser CDN posted:

Im not sure im talking about the oily decontamination packets. They were blue and if memory serves me right( its been 5 years) they said for training use on them.

Ya my last run through on CBRN the refresher, the trainers said that the only difference between training RSDL and real RSDL is that the training packet is blue and the real RSDL is green. Who knows, he could've been full of poo poo.

# ? Apr 10, 2013 04:03

MA-Horus: Dec 3, 2006; I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

Frosted Flake posted:

I've heard about some pretty scary ammo screw-ups due to clerical error. Two of them off the top of my head:

Back when the Reserves still had Cougars (armoured vehicles with the low velocity 76mm gun of the Alvis Scorpion) a unit got a pallet of ammunition for the Sherman 76 that was apparently still in the system.

What in the actual gently caress.

quote:

A unit doing practice with the M203 was given a crate of 40mm Bofors instead of grenades. Apparently some private almost manage to jam a shell into the launcher before someone freaked out and bootfucked him.

It's not even close to the right size, like the bofors round would even come close to fitting into the 203. How the hell? How do privates do these things?

# ? Apr 11, 2013 02:40

Flying_Crab: Apr 12, 2002

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there is no way you could get any significant portion of a Bofors round in a 203. I mean look at the length even if the diameter is the same.

Maybe if it were a M320 or similar GL where the barrel swings open to the side...

# ? Apr 11, 2013 02:44

Casimir Radon: Aug 2, 2008

Idiot who used to be in our unit, and was later accused of molesting a couple of teenage girls is really dragging things out. His lawyer is making tons of noise about calling in expert witnesses. His strategy seems to be to admit the the guy is a creep (He apparently desired to marry a 14 year old girl), but not a kiddie diddler....right :/

# ? Apr 18, 2013 00:43

Mr. Nice!: Oct 13, 2005; c-spam cannot afford

Casimir Radon posted:

Idiot who used to be in our unit, and was later accused of molesting a couple of teenage girls is really dragging things out. His lawyer is making tons of noise about calling in expert witnesses. His strategy seems to be to admit the the guy is a creep (He apparently desired to marry a 14 year old girl), but not a kiddie diddler....right :/

To please the court we call on our next witness to explain the differences between pedophilia and ephebophilia.

# ? Apr 18, 2013 00:59

bloops: Dec 31, 2010; Thanks Ape Pussy!

This is a fairly generic one because I don't know who was individually involved. Anyhow, medical and civil engineer shared dorms at Andersen AFB. This was a good deal for CE because the dorms were mixed. This was a good deal for me being medical because I got to hear about all the awfulness that went down.

14 cases of chlamydia traced back to 3 girls in a very short period of time.

This could also dual hat as "enlisted girls, a lot of them."

# ? Apr 18, 2013 01:32

Oxford Comma: Jun 26, 2011; Oxford Comma: Hey guys I want a cool big dog to show off! I want it to be ~special~ like Thor but more couch potato-like because I got babbies in the house!
Everybody: GET A LAB.
Oxford Comma: OK! (gets a a pit/catahoula mix)