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Grats Klocktopussy! Great things happen when you actually submit  Please have the prompt ready within three hours.
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Apr 16, 2013 19:44
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Erogenous Beef posted:
That was kind of the point of the "the torn pocket with a MedPack request form labelled ‘Imprint’ poking out. " line. He'd been drugging her MedPack with FutureRoofies to make her imprint on him, the repetition of the first line to indicate, not that it was a dream, but that it had happened before (which is why her metrics are down for those keeping track at home). That's also why the whole rats and love thing seems so sudden and unreal (where did the rats go?) - it's drug induced. It's not meant to be a love story but, well, dystopian chick-lit. If I have to explain it, I didn't write it well enough, but I found it difficult to make it not too on the nose. I wondered if the last line would make it over-obvious, because it never occurred to me someone would try to write an 'it was all a dream' piece on the thunderdome and expect to live. Thanks for the feedback, though. I've clearly got some work to do.
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Apr 16, 2013 19:45
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Congratulations, Dr. Kloctopussy! Though I tried to win, I see your victory as a comma-studded thumb in the eye of James Joyce, and I am content.Sitting Here posted:Kaishai gets an honorable mention, and is also the winner of the three-way brawl with Fanky, who came in second, and Canadian Surf Club, who came in third. This was honestly my favorite part of this week, because it was interesting to see three takes on that story. All of them improved on the original while taking sufficient creative license to make them distinct from each other. Yes, sweet victory. I raise my rapier in salute to my opponents, both the one who slapped me in the face with a gauntlet and the one who inadvertently smacked the backs of our heads as she went by. I enjoyed the challenge this week. Good prompt. Thanks for the generous crit, Erogenous Beef! Kaishai fucked around with this message at 09:03 on Apr 17, 2013 |
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Apr 16, 2013 20:16
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Congrats Dr. Kloctopussy. And thank you all for letting me play along. I enjoyed the gently caress out of it, when I wasn't hating it (creativity under pressure isn't my strong suit, although it IS my profession)
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Apr 16, 2013 20:46
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crabrock posted:This isn't in direct response to EB's crit, but the issue I have with cut cut cut is when a story was written in the first person past tense (such as your yard work). When people are telling a story they say things like "I saw," "I heard," etc. They're describing the experience they had, which to me is the point of writing in the first person. To say "A door slammed shut." leaves the story incomplete. Did they hear it, see it, feel the vibrations? Nobody talks like that, and it makes the story seem like it's being told by an overly dramatic person who is either trying to be pretentiously terse or trying too hard to be a gruff old man like they saw in a movie. All of the sentence fragments in such a short story just seemed awkward and forced. Maybe my rewrite wasn't the best, and I obviously still have a lot to learn, but I think avoiding all instances of "I [sensed] something" is leaving out a large part of a person's story-telling repertoire. If you want to stick to facts then just write in the third person. That's what I noticed when I went back. Motherfucker loooves to look. I do too much blocking, it's something I need to work on. It's only the extraneous detail that you cut. Working out what's extraneous is the hard part. You mention the door. Does it matter whether he sees it, heard it, smelt it? Nope. So it goes. It's also a way of getting an extra level of meaning by focusing on the stuff he does describe, the dirt, the sun. But that's enough chitchat from me. Post in the fiction farm about this if you like its an interesting discussion. Congrats to our new eightlegged evil master. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 21:40 on Apr 16, 2013 |
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Apr 16, 2013 20:47
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V for Vegas posted:That never stopped Martello. Now you have to post something. Haha how did I miss this
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Apr 16, 2013 21:26
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Marathon time. 9 pieces, two beers. I can do this. Still Doing Crits for Thunderdome XXXVI -- An object lesson in futility; Or how to gently caress poo poo up but be reassured by the fact you know nothing even matters by Jeza Double Source Bonus Extravaganza! Sources: In The Details by SaviourX and Walls by WHR 49.5. Have I mentioned how much I hate you for this? In The Details: Future men resurrect the most boring devil ever, have a boring expository conversation and then throw him in the wastebasket, where this story also belongs. Ultimately, a tale about unwary creators recalling ultimate evil, but the creators are wary and the evil turns out to be pedestrian and powerless. Urf. Source 2: A hypereuclidean wall grows itself and consumes everything. Ultimately a story about heedless creators bringing about their own futility/demise? Sorta. Well, we actually do have a sorta-clear theme here. Your Remake: This starts off interesting; you've presented us with a mystery right off the bat, what's in the cube? What makes it tick? Is it a knowable thing, or something Beyond Mortal Comprehension? When you start rewriting In The Details everything falls apart. You've set up a sense of wonder and mystery, and then suddenly we have irreverent aliens speaking with a reanimated micro-Satan. Worse, I don't see much tension between micro-Satan and the aliens. What are the aliens trying to gain? Why resurrect the Christian Devil? You've already stated that mortal science and religion have spent themselves against the hypercube walls thing. What does he have that they want, and that he doesn't want to give up? If you want to go the comedy route, then go full retard with the silliness. There's some weird phrases. "like doctors attending to the birth of a child" - in context, this is a horrible simile. You're already showing them in a medical role, so you need some other way to show their concern. As is, it's a bit odd. It threw me for a bit. quote:“What trickery is this!” his voice squeaked rather than boomed. You could just cut "rather than boomed". We expect Satan's voice to boom. If he squeaks, it's an interesting detail and makes me want to read more. "rather than", "instead of" or other contrasting clauses are things I try to avoid in expository text, because they usually mean that you can punch up the thing you're contrasting against. Ultimately, who learns or changes during this piece? You've got enough words here. The other judges seem to have liked this more than I do, so maybe I'm just being harsh. An Improvement? Yeah. Stands On Its Own? Sorta. Kinda. On The Beef Scale: Mystery meat. It tastes like chicken. -- Close Door Button by perpetulance Source: Close Door Button by dromer. Guy gets harangued by a hippie for hitting the close door button. She annoys him enough that he does it again. Basically a lovely strawman argument in prose form. Your Remake: This isn't really an improvement. Purely from a mechanical perspective, the prose is fine, with minor exceptions. You have an issue where your commas are alternately inside the double-quotes (American style) and outside the double quotes (British style). Pick one and stick with it. We get a creepy dude trying to pick up a chick in an elevator. This could potentially be interesting, except you decided to keep the preachy angle to the original, except you're showing it to us by having the guy be a giant tool. You're missing a hook, and your missing hook turns into (almost) a missing plot. Something odd or unusual needs to happen during this elevator ride. Otherwise, this is a Seinfeld story: a story about nothing. Here's the problem: Seinfeld wasn't funny or interesting either. An Improvement? We'll call it a draw. Stands On Its Own? Nope. On The Beef Scale: That little pad in a styrofoam container that goes under my beef to soak up the blood, except I left it out in the sun while away for the weekend and now my flat smells like dead rodents. I guess if I were vegan this wouldn't happen. -- The End of Us by Canadian Surf Club Three-way minibrawl entry #3! Source: Jonas Salk's The End. See previous two crits for a link, gently caress you. Your Remake: This is halfway decent. I like your sci-fi take on the source; it diverges further from the Lovecraftian Horror than either of the other two entries. There's some minor structural issues. For example, you could eliminate the middle scene change by merging the conversation-with-guide scene into the outside-the-bar scene. The travel time implied by the break doesn't seem to be narratively important. Also, maybe make the guide a bit more sinister. You should be showing me some hints that things are bad wrong by this point. You've got plenty of motivation for the heroes to press on, so go for it. Once inside the restaurant, I think you went a little overboard with the creeping ooze blisters all over the waitstaff, but not so overboard that I can't suspend disbelief. You're kinda blowing your "creepy mystery" wad all at once though. There's a few places where you're unnecessarily using sensing verbs, which I've already belabored today: quote:"Hey!" I leveled my atomizer at one just as I heard the sudden crack of bone. I also don't like "just as" and other phrases that mean "suddenly". Think hard before including one, because they're giant signposts to the reader "HEY SOMETHING SURPRISING UP AHEAD! GET READY TO BE SURPRISED!" You can probably make this stronger by hiding the fact that it's a bone snapping and moving that reveal to the next line. Something snaps! What is it? Oh god, my buddy is being eaten alive by evil space ooze! quote:The atomizer took a good chunk out of her chest and thigh, "A good chunk" is a weak phrase, and you're being inspecific. Also, "took .. out of" is a pretty weak verb phrase. The atomizer just kinda picks them up like a guy would take an orange out of the fridge? Use powerful verbs for powerful moments. Also, is the thigh part important? "The atomizer blasted a hole in her chest" would be decent, if a bit cliche. What you're trying to convey here is the uselessness of the weapon, so specifying where the damage is done is probably fine, as you want to make it sound like a mortal wound. From a consistency perspective, I also don't get why there's dead people in the freezer. Those are dead people, right? If not, clarify it please. And if Legion uses them fresh as servants, why keep dead ones around? You may not have the wordcount to explain, so you could consider revising this into something that dovetails better with the details you've already included. Also, your first scene and ending don't match up all that nicely. Tighten that up, please. An Improvement? Yes! Stands On Its Own? Close to it, very close. On The Beef Scale: The Space Special. Wait, no, I'll have the Space Soup. -- Blue And Pink by Noah Source: Blue And Pink by Jimson. A woman tries to cure her alcoholic floozy of a sister of her evil ways by calling her own husband to break up a tryst, but because they're twins he mixes them up and gets shot or something. I think, Seriously, I am not reading this closer than I have to. Your Remake:  Well, you improved on the source quite a bit! This is one of the bigger improvements this week, I think. You've got the essence of a good idea here, with some good plot twists. I didn't see the gender-bending bit coming, and it definitely makes the story. For a while I thought you were winding me up with irrelevant details about their upbringing, but that reveal brings it into sharp focus. You've still got some problems though; more mechanical problems than thematic or plot. You've got an awkward mix of internal and spoken dialogue. quote:“I don’t know!” Lucy shouted, waving her arms. Darcy remembered Lucy was still holding the gun, and went back to pacing and smoking. Don't do this! Lucy is waving her arms around, holding a gun. Show me Lucy waving the gun, don't have Darcy suddenly "remember" it. You made this mistake a couple times, and it weakens your writing. If something is happening, directly describe it, if at all possible. Don't have someone else "notice" or "recall" something that happens right in front of the reader's "camera". quote:Her eyes moved from the body to Lucy, wondering which one of them was her baby. Huh? The pronouns here are confusing. Are you talking about Lucy and Darcy being their mother's baby, or about Lucy and the body being Darcy's baby? Neither of these makes sense in context. Unless Lucy shot a baby, which I didn't see anywhere else. quote:“And and I said no, but he took off my skirt, and, and,” Lucy said. Ah ha! This is an excellent place for an em-dash! Lucy is being interrupted by Darcy, so replace that final comma with a "--". quote:“Was he right handed or left handed?” Darcy asked. Lucy’s face scrunched. Move Lucy's attribution onto the line with her dialogue on it. If you fixed the mechanical issues, like the ones I've pointed out, you have the core of a decent story. You'll still need to work a bit on pacing and clarity, but otherwise, you'd have a good entry. An Improvement? Definitely, definitely. Stands On Its Own? With editing, yes. On The Beef Scale? A hen fresh from the farm, unplucked and ungutted. -- Requiescat by Sebmojo Source: RIP my dog he died as things do by SurreptitiousMuffin whoa. I like what Muffin did here, but that was like mainlining MDMA. Essentially a story about death and companionship, about a child feeling the emptiness and loneliness of the world for the first time as the dog is put to sleep? With a heady dose of apocalyptica thrown in for good measure. Your Remake: I'm torn as to whether this is better or not, which is probably a good thing. You've discarded the pulse-pounding themes of apocalypse and end-of-all-things, and focused more on the relationship between child and dog. This is good, it's strong, but I think you could easily do stronger. There's some odd sentences whose meaning I'm still teasing out. "Jack the joke the lad the mad"? Is that just a playful way of referring to the dog and a dog's personality? Hard to say. Also, I don't get the significance of the "red trim jackets". Maybe that's just me, as this is a pretty dense piece. Good dense, though. An Improvement? I... honestly have no idea. They're both very good in different ways. Stands On Its Own? Easily. On The Beef Scale: A well-marinated, properly-cooked whale steak. (Which is delicious and I've had several times. It's like having an entire cow compressed into eight ounces of purple goodness.) -- Ten Seconds to Midnight by Bad Seafood Source: Hard And Deep by HereticMIND. Sorta stream-of-consciousness piece about a soldier running around and then getting nuked from orbit. Or maybe it's rods from god. Pretty much plotless though, could be a bad cutscene from a modern shooter game. Your Remake: gently caress it, I'm a nuclear history nerd and you dropped an Atomic Clock reference in your title. You get a line-by-line, Seafood. I do want to say that I'm marginally disappointed: I expected a highbrow concept out of you. quote:The world was drowned in sound and violence, but Brian for his part had never felt better. Strong opening, I like it. I chuckled the first time I read the end, but I've soured on it since. If you're gonna pull the simulator/game thing, you need the character to learn something in the simulator. otherwise, this is all pointless. Pulling back further, this is still close to the feeling of "video game cutscene". Brian never develops as a character. This piece needs that. An Improvement? Yep, in the pure writing department. Still needs help plotwise. Stands On Its Own? Eh. Close to it, but I don't like Brian enough to end up giving a poo poo. Also, IT WAS ALL A DREAM. On The Beef Scale: Microwaved sausage. -- And because I'm a nice guy, even though he was massively late: Synchronicity by Martello Source: This was late. I didn't read your source. I've already read enough awful source stories this week. Go gently caress yourself. Your Remake: Your opening sentence is interesting, but the rest of your first scene is weak and flabby. You're giving me a load of backstory and worldbuilding that I don't care about yet, because nothing has happened. 25% of your words gone before something happens, and that something is "chick tries virtual dating". Given the weak opening, your next few scenes are still basically just plodding exposition. Girl is dissatisfied with herself and with virtual dating. Where's my conflict? Where's my interest being hooked? Thing is, the whole piece is saved by your concluding scene. Yeah, I saw it coming a mile away. You're basically riffing on a porn version of A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer from Neal Stephenson's Diamond Age. I can dig that. I'd read that story. In fact, once I got to your last line I wanted to read more. I want to see how this virtual sex worker deals with conflicting interests. He can satisfy his customer, but, as he's noted, she's on there 24/7, so isn't that bad for her life and career? How does he react to that? Does he try to pierce the veil? How does she react to her "AI" being a real person? You have a lot of interesting fodder for a story here, but you instead gave me "the Erotic Adventures of Lily Fatpants".  An Improvement? gently caress knows. Stands On Its Own? Not really. The seed of a good idea, but not a good story as is. On The Beef Scale: A footlong hotdog. Except, as you look closer, it's actually a giant dick buried in mustard and onions. The onions are nice though. -- DONE. Erogenous Beef fucked around with this message at 22:38 on Apr 16, 2013 |
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Apr 16, 2013 22:32
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Thanks for the crits, Beef. Your protein-rich, Escherichia coli laden squeezings enrich us all.
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Apr 16, 2013 22:52
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That's some real Angus beef.Erogenous Beef posted:gently caress it, I'm a nuclear history nerd and you dropped an Atomic Clock reference in your title. You get a line-by-line, Seafood. I do want to say that I'm marginally disappointed: I expected a highbrow concept out of you. But excuses, excuses. No more excuse. I talked big and didn't back it up. I can only own it and move on.
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Apr 16, 2013 23:26
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I'm loving thirsting for a crit here. Also I'm in on whatever.
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Apr 16, 2013 23:29
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Black Griffon posted:I'm loving thirsting for a crit here. Also I'm in on whatever. Oops, I forgot to add your name after your story's title when I wrote yours. Thissa post here, sah.
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Apr 16, 2013 23:38
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THUNDERDOME XXXVII: Professional Excellence I'm too hungover to write a bunch of color text, so here it is: Prompt: In 1200 words or less, write me a mystery featuring a licensed professional in a made up profession. The mystery doesn't have to be a crime and the character's professional expertise must play a significant role in the story (i.e. not a throw-away fact like "oh and also she's a dragon dentist/Space-Time Causalist/Ghost Door Consultant" or whatever). NO ROPE INSPECTORS. Judges: Dr. Kloctopussy, Sitting Here, a mysterious third judge who is a secret to all. Deadline: Commit by Friday, April 19 at 6:30pm PST, Submit by Sunday, April 21 at 11:59pm PST Certified Victims: Black Griffon Bad Seafood Ammit, Inc. Erogenous Beef: Border Control Sebmojo: Doing Our Bit 0 rows returned CancerCakes: Tempting Icarus CantDecideOnAName: No Blue Stars, Mandatory Grandma Modern Day Monster Hunter crabrock: The Case of the Elusive Keymasher systran: The Obfusicator Jagermonster: The Mysterious Law Man v. The Untouchable Kingpin Martello Jeza: Excerpt from Transcript of Preliminary Investigation – Case #200384 Nubile Hillock Mark Zak: Douchebag Detective Impermanent Fumblemouse Rub Me the Wrong Way perpetulance The Invokers The Bible Auraboks: Shady Affair(ie)s kazakirinyancat The Mystery of the Silent House zakucat: Murderous Dreams Magnificent7: 50-foot spiders or zombies Nikaer Drekin: The Prayer Steward Kleptobot: What the Good Book Says V for Vegas Noah: The Coffin of Henry Wick Voliun: Office Pains Little Mac (missed the commit deadline): A Beating Around The Bush Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at 01:55 on Apr 24, 2013 |
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Apr 16, 2013 23:56
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And now I shall fail to practice what I've preached: In!
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Apr 17, 2013 00:08
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:THUNDERDOME XXXVII: Professional Excellence In. I will also extrude my robo-glove and give FUMBLEMOUSE a slap. Duel time, fella. Your prompt, 1000 words, due midnight Friday PST. I'll buy you an avatar if you win. Who'll judge?
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Apr 17, 2013 00:10
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Getting in on this. E. In this prompt, not the duel Voliun fucked around with this message at 17:12 on Apr 17, 2013 |
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Apr 17, 2013 00:14
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In. Why no rope inspectors?
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Apr 17, 2013 00:14
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I've read too many Rope Inspector Mysteries and I don't have time for another.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:20
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In. Bad seafood your crit is coming, but I just spent the last 7 hours drinking sangria and eating paella so I'll put it out tomorrow hopefully, Friday at the latest. Sebmojo I'll take that judges mantle and do horrible things to it if you only let me.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:21
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Oh poo poo, man, this is gonna be easy. May I ask where you got this idea? In, matey. In.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:22
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CantDecideOnAName posted:Oh poo poo, man, this is gonna be easy. May I ask where you got this idea? I was going to say,  , you
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Apr 17, 2013 00:22
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Going to waste a judge's time yet again by popping something out.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:27
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Erogenous Beef posted:
You liked this more than I did, but we already talked about that. Hotdog actually being a giant dick cracked me up, thanks.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:30
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Sitting Here posted:I was going to say,  You know it.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:33
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CantDecideOnAName posted:Oh poo poo, man, this is gonna be easy. May I ask where you got this idea? WRONG. Flash rule: you can't write in your Blue Stars universe. Also your must involve the sparing but significant use of a Grandma. Thunderdome is for new poo poo. And yeah, your story reminded me how much I like this kind of story. I still owe you some feedback on that, probably by tonight or tomorrow.
Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at 00:36 on Apr 17, 2013 |
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Apr 17, 2013 00:34
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I'm in.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:35
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:WRONG. Flash rule: you can't write in your Blue Stars universe. You're not the only one who said they'd give feedback HINT HINT. But very well, challenge accepted!
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Apr 17, 2013 00:36
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In.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:41
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in
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Apr 17, 2013 00:43
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CantDecideOnAName posted:You're not the only one who said they'd give feedback HINT HINT. But very well, challenge accepted! Oh I haven't forgot about you. But since I'm judging in here, it's easier to give you feedback on your TD entries and HOPEFULLY you will apply said feedback to your novel. edit: Double check that flash rule, Doc Kloc made an important addendum.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:44
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Sitting Here posted:Oh I haven't forgot about you. I saw it. And yeah, I'm not holding my breath because Thunderdome's way more important.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:47
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In, yes.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:47
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in okay yup
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Apr 17, 2013 00:49
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I'm in!
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Apr 17, 2013 00:51
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In for this week, and I also accept the lettuce-like tap of SebMojo's Tiny Gauntlet BRAWL Prompt: Ghost Unicorn Summer 1000 words, due midnight Friday PST. CancerCakes to judge.
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Apr 17, 2013 00:59
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lol look at this noob you don't pick the prompt bro, the judge does
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Apr 17, 2013 01:31
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Martello posted:lol look at this noob sebmojo posted:In.
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Apr 17, 2013 01:40
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gently caress you I don't have to read this thread if I don't want to let's duel again bitch or are you scared
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Apr 17, 2013 01:42
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What happens if I win?
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Apr 17, 2013 02:45
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My guess, you continue thinking about how cool you are. Or I can buy you an avatar of your choice
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Apr 17, 2013 04:04
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In with a pinky promise to work on characterization.
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Apr 17, 2013 04:10
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