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Yeah in for this.
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Jun 25, 2013 05:34
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In. I also undertake to crit the first contestant who crits me. Crittily I guess. Crit. CRITPAIROFF everyone else should do this too because it is the right thing to do.
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Jun 25, 2013 05:42
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Hopefully I'll have time to finish the story this week! I'm in.
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Jun 25, 2013 06:12
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I'm in; participating; signing up.
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Jun 25, 2013 06:28
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I passed out on the last one I did, but I'm in it to win it this time.
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Jun 25, 2013 06:45
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There's two kinds of people in this world. People who write and people who crit, and this week most of you didn't write but I'm gonna crit you anyway because I dunno I guess I'm supposed to. Schneider Heim - A New One I dug your opening and very little else about this story. Your overall approach was very stiff and lifeless, and you stuffed it to the gills with expospeak; when your story is only 700 words to begin with, you need to make every word count, and you did not. You also took a relatively interesting thought experiment (and a moral dilemma to boot) and managed to cover it from one of the most boring angles imaginable, thought to your credit not THE most boring angle imaginable (we'll have that discussion later). HOMEWORK: A doctor is forced to choose between saving the life of his son or a complete stranger's. Son, that is, so two sons. Tell me of his tribulations in 300 words or less. Jonked - Chapter 12: The Doctor and the Razor Cute. A little too cute, actually. You said yourself if we couldn't identify the experiment you picked that you had failed as an author, but I don't know how anyone could have missed it with how completely on the nose you were about everything. Like Schneider, you spent a good deal of time making sure we're up on the full brunt of the mechanics here, which took away a lot of opportunity for your story to be just that: a story. HOMEWORK: The Rational Knight takes a smoke break on the ramparts of the castle. Tell me his thoughts in 100 words exactly. Sitting Here - The Eighth Sea Jonked and Schneider might've said too much, but look at you here trying to say too little. Your experiment was hazy and your narrative hazier still. It's competently written, but knowing what you're capable of I had much higher expectations. It wasn't a bad idea, nor was it a bad interpretation, but this was not the winning draft of it that you could have submitted. HOMEWORK: Two people visit the grave of an organ donor. One of them is the man he saved, and the other is just some guy who knew him. What do they say? You have 300 words. Sebmojo - Picture a Room Picture a story. Now picture a picture. A picture of a picture. Get the picture? Good. You've painted a beautiful picture here Sebmojo, but at the end of the day that's all that it is. A beautiful picture, to be sure, and not without some meatiness to it, nor context, but what I wanted was a story and there you have left me unsatisfied. Also, casual drug use. Popped me from the story and set a bad example for my children; which I don't have, but you know, hypothetically. HOMEWORK: I want a children's story with a beginning, middle, and an end, and the end must be happy. 500 words and talking animals are a must. Kaishai - Brick Red A nice playful piece. For children. You know, like Fumblemouse intended? Here you've taken a densely worded thought problem and managed to reduce it to its purest particulars, and done so in a complete story with characters we care about. If I had to complain about anything it's that it lacks a certain edge, a certain bite, but that is not a significant concern. You done good son, so wear that crown with pride. HOMEWORK: [special teacher's exemption] JonasSalk - That's All Folks Fumblemouse was not incorrect in his appraisal of your work, but for what it's worth I saw what you were trying to do, or at least what I think you were trying to do, and I liked it. You didn't lose me in your labyrinthine structure, though that you lose other people is a definitive problem. Your story starts strong and ends strong, I thought, but reads weak in the middle (except, specifically, for the empty gun bit), and you complicate a few things that could really be expressed more simply. You tried something experimental though, and I am loathe to hang people out to dry just for trying to do something different, but you lost two-thirds of your audience, and if it weren't for me you might've lost the week. HOMEWORK: Two robots try to understand art. They may take as many words as you deem necessary to do so. Bachelard rear end - Room 236 A thick and tasteless stew of words. You spend an awful lot of time building up to something you never competently portray in words, and focus way too much on the insignificant details. You set up a framing device that serves no purpose, and by its very nature stretches credulity. Why is he writing this down? And to whom? This was not my pick for the worst, but with so much fat to trim to get to the meat of the story (which also isn't much of a story), any excuse to get you to refine your abilities is a good one. HOMEWORK: Someone is born, lives, and dies in 100 words. Nikaer Drekin - Moving House What you have here is a long setup to a punchline that doesn't deliver. When I first finished I thought "That's it?" then clicked your link to a much more interesting story than the one presented. There are ramifications and emotional ideas here that you don't even bring up, much less hint at or explore. High concepts demand high execution. HOMEWORK: A young girl jumps off the top of the Empire State Building. Tell me her thoughts before she lands. At no point must she regret her decision to jump, nor express any kind of self-pity or loathing. You have 204 words. EDIT: She must, of course, die when she hits the pavement. Blarg Blargety - Stay at the Hilbert In which some people change rooms and smoke a lot. That's it. Like Nikaer you saw fit to borrow from a high concept premise, but also like Nikaer you completely failed to do anything interesting with it. So there's this hotel, and it's infinite, and people go there, and...and? You don't even really describe the hotel, so all these people are just waiting in an infinite blank space I suppose, which isn't too out of place since they're all blank themselves. You also threw in the term "Multiverse," but wrote neither about comics, advanced physics, or Planescape fanfiction, any one of which would have been better received than this. Your prose is decent, but you do not have here a story worth telling. HOMEWORK: Google "Sigil the City of Doors." Read up on it, should only take a few minutes to get the gist of it, then send me an excerpt from the diary or someone who lives there. 333, 999, or 110,889 words maximum, your choice. Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at 06:49 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 06:45
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15 minutes, 100 Words Exactly "I hate this job," muttered Joff, passing the cigarette to Marky. "Bullshit." "Could be worse," Marky replied. "You don't have to play the Eeeevil Wizard, ooooOOOOOooo." "At least you've got depth to your character. I'm this, like, stupid caricature of what a freshmen thinks Kant was all about." "Yeah, I guess being a sophist has some perks. I exist, for one thing." Joff giggled as he took back the smoke before the foreman stuck his head through the door. "Break over guys, we've got another one coming through!" Joff sighed, and grabbed the foam knight's helmet. Another day, another dollar.
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Jun 25, 2013 07:10
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Hell, why not. In.
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Jun 25, 2013 07:14
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 FLASH RULE (APPLICABLE TO ALL) : No traditional white weddings allowed unless you can make it interesting. Caveat: no monkeycheese humour.
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Jun 25, 2013 07:35
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In. I am.
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Jun 25, 2013 08:04
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In.
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Jun 25, 2013 08:59
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Kaishai posted:Remember Martello's What was the challenge? The link goes nowhere. I'm in. I'd ask for a Flash Rule, but I figure if I point out a mistake in the Judges' posts I'll get it anyway.
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Jun 25, 2013 08:59
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toanoradian posted:What was the challenge? The link goes nowhere. Fairly caught, thanks, and the link is fixed now. Your Flash Rule: I want to see alligators in your story. Living, dead, as food; whichever. It doesn't have to be a wedding story, but if you go that route, perhaps this may offer inspiration.
Kaishai fucked around with this message at 09:51 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 09:22
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Givin' this week a shot. In.
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Jun 25, 2013 09:35
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Flash rule me, 'shai. I hunger for it.
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Jun 25, 2013 10:50
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sebmojo posted:CRITPAIROFF everyone else should do this too because it is the right thing to do. I'm gonna ask you to this deadly dance we call
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Jun 25, 2013 11:25
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toanoradian posted:I'm gonna ask you to this deadly dance we call Done. Who's next?
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Jun 25, 2013 11:28
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I'm in for a crit and I'm in for a flash rule. An experiment should be collaborative.
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Jun 25, 2013 12:22
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Thanks for the crits! Yeah, for the past couple weeks I've been writing the majority or all of my piece on Sunday, and it's becoming pretty clear that I should... probably not do that. And I am totally up for judging, Kaishai 
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Jun 25, 2013 12:36
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More Crits Schneider Heim quote:William had read about the lottery. Since letting a person die was no different from killing them, life must be given to save a life. Every compatible individual will be eligible, compelled to surrender his or her life to the patient. This just doesn’t sound like William’s understanding of the situation, but a brisk recitation of the concept. As we are apparently seeing things through William’s eyes the piece as a whole would work better if it shared his voice and perpective. It’s also exposition not very interestingly expressed. It could be better worked in, say, if the father is an outspoken advocate of the lottery, disgusted by how things used to be - that would also show us his motivation, rather than his mother telling us later. There’s an awful lot of people telling things throughout the piece that could be handled better. Also, the nature of the lottery is that a life is taken only if it would improve more than one person’s existence - this isn’t brought out in the story at all, it’s all about the boy and the boy alone The ending isn’t particularly clear - I’m unsure if the father used his own organs or if he went a harvestin’ around town. And the last line doesn’t seem to fit. It’s not like he got an eye transplant - what’s that about? All that said, I didn’t hate it. There’s an honest attempt to find the emotion involved in a situation created by the lottery, and the clumsiness of the execution doesn’t completely shadow its heeart. Good instincts, bad tactics. jonked This is a very cartoonish story, but I think it meets the prompt very well. I see you’ve labelled it as chapter 12, but the backstory does seem a little, well, really a gigantic amount on the cliche side. Because of this, it’s a little hard to engage with the characters, they become sort of throwaway puppets for the purposes of getting to the core idea. Isaac Asimov was also notorious for this, so you’re in good company. That core idea is very well expressed indeed - I was in no doubt as to the nature of your prompt. However, minor brain twist about intentionality aside, it’s not a very compelling narrative. Derek, the smug know-it-all we love to hate, can either suffer a minor and temporary inconvenience and get a whopping great cliche-villian-hurting weapon or, well, not. Which will he choose? Well, d’uh! He’s the hero. Not much suspense there. Perhaps this thought experiment wasn't juicy enough to hang a story from. Also, your whimsy is a tad off. It’s not quite charming enough to save the piece, nor twisted enough to be interesting on its own - the Rational Knight could be a great character, but he’s just a mouthpiece here, spouting ‘Great Scott’ (which nobody except Clark Kent’s editor has ever actually said) and being the foil, but I have no sense that the backstory lives and breaths independent of the contrived circumstances, which hurts the piece. sitting here I enjoyed the tone one, but was left unsatisfied at its conclusion. I recognised the Ship of Theseus happening in the background but it seemed largely irrelevant to the story, or perhaps an an odd representation of aspects of it, as the planks’ replacements were silver, shiny and fundamentally different from what they replaced. The increasing patchworkiness of the children echoed that, in a metaphorical sense, but it never quite gelled because there was no way to determine how this patchwork thing happened. Were other (bits of) children involved? Where were the patches from and why did they get worse? In the actual course of events it seemed less patching and more the illusion of it created by the appearance of threadlines. The metaphor just didn’t quite fit the circumstances. Elliot isn’t being remade into a different person, but a new person, a tabula rasa - how is that patchwork? In its favour, the shonky metaphysics did capture a certain dreamlike quality the tied in nicely to to the end and with the style as a whole, but still, unfortunately unsatisfying. sebmojo While possibly a little much for the beleaguered brain of Magnificent 7, I very much enjoyed the way you took the metaphor of the Chinese room and tied it to notions of conformity, that’s an excellent example of taking the concept and seeing what value it has and then applying it elsewhere. Unfortunately, you deviated from the prompt in that this wasn’t really a story for children, nor, with your evocations to picture and imagine, could it be said to be an gedankenembodiment. This cost you the win - though there’s no denying the power behind what you wrote. A few minor notes: I’m not sure how many people shoot heroin standing on balconies. I like that you felt no need to use the full word limit - giving the piece as short as it needed to be (take note peeps). Also the 'think of this, now think of this, reminded me of those terrible old spice or whatever the gently caress ads of internet fame, so blurgh for that. I'd be kind of interested to discover who was doing the talking, and I think it's a mark of a good story that leaves you wondering about its wider circumstances keshai And the winner is... I really enjoyed this, there’s not a word out of place and the prompt is adhered to. If I was to make a criticism, it is that, if I was writing this (never a good start to a criticism, but this really leapt out at me) I would have darkened the ending. Sam is a utility monster, his existence is supposed to lead ‘ethically’ to deprivation for others. We see how he utilises resources, but we don’t see that Louis is, in a sense, just another resource to be exploited. There’s a hint of it with with Ben’s possessiveness, but it’s not elaborated upon so perhaps you didn’t want it there at all (or it is there and I had difficulty noticing) - I had a hard time not seeing the inevitability of that conclusion from what had gone before, but, it’s your story, not mine, so take that how you will. jonassalk This actually came solidly mid-range for me. I don’t pretend to understand it at this point, but I have the nagging suspicion that there’s a key to it that will make it more coherent. What is there, though, is...interesting. [later] I’ve re-read it a few times and each time it grows on me, the callbacks and the echoes, plus there’s some very nice turns of phrase in there, and it’s not without some humour. I’m not wild about the subject matter - people with free will issues go postal is not a new trope, but you’ve approached it in an different way and it’s not an entirely unsuccessful experiment itself. I”m not sure the ambiguity with which you liberally lace the piece is working in its favour. You need to give the people something to hang on to - you cannot make the assumption that people will stick around to realise how clever you are if they don’t put it together first time through. One thing you haven’t done, though, is tie it to the paradox you link to, which is related to omniscience. If you were to return to the piece, giving an inkling of Charles’ (incorrect?) sense of omniscience could provide context to his decision path and make it seem less arbitrary. Bachelard rear end I really don’t know what you were trying to achieve with this. Your basic premise is, there’s this weird room, and when you go into it and out again, you might not get back. So the guy stuck at one place decides to write to someone not yet at that place, that before they reach that place they might like to leave a trail, or not hang around? It would seem a little late for that by the time they find his writing so that doesn’t quite work from a causality perspective. Plus - what’s he writing on? Would anyone else ever get there now that he had stolen the shell, or was that just completely irrelevant? There’s a awful lot of words that don’t do much and some sterling examples of fantastically long sentences that just keep on carrying on regardless of whether anyone has the energy to keep going until they reach the end of them. He's using handmade resources, yet he decides its relevant to note “The sun is a hot pearl on the sky’s tongue today, as yesterday”? And he’s a kid, but notes that “where a half-dozen birds of paradise tumble from one limb to another, dancing in the day”. You’re overwriting and showboating, showing us how clever you are, with scant regard for the shape and tone of the tale. Also - you give us no reason to care about what’s going on - there’s not really any conflict worth speaking of, and the discovery of the weird room isn’t enough to pull us through the excessive verbiage and run-on sentences, because it’s really just a special effect - it has no apparent larger significance. Nikaer Drekin I have to admit, I really don’t know if you did yourself any favours splitting up the tale the way you did. None of the three parts was particularly amazing standing by itself, but arranged in the correct order they had quite the narrative arc. The first part is particularly weak as it’s just talking heads and nothing happens at all until the last line where something exciting is hinted at. Vaguely. Taking time to set the scene is a huge risk in flash fiction and I don’t think it paid off here - it could certainly be compressed a great deal. I also don't think the third section was the shock it might have hoped to be, having been essentially given away in the second. The second problem is more story related. I’m not sure why the wife has the reaction she does. The process was her idea, after all - it doesn’t seem to ring true that she’d both forget what happened so much she thinks he’s an intruder and also be revolted by him because of non-original cells. Still people are fickle - but you could have played that aspect more. Blarg Blargety One where the experiment is obvious, but unfortunately nothing happens. You’ve taken elements from the wikipedia description and sprinkled them liberally, so there’s no problems determining which thought experiment you’ve appropriated - however that’s not enough for a satisfying tale - you still need something beyond some people trying to move rooms to occur. Despite the experiment being obvious, I don’t think you’ve managed to quite convey the nature of the experiment either. - I know why the room numbers change, but it’s not clear the amounts of the changes are tied to are the result of particular kinds of arrivals - which is a shame, as you could have had some fun with the requirements of different types. Also, to nitpick, it’s not that rooms are added or room numbers change, it’s that an infinite number of rooms can always accommodate more guests. Your efforts to explain the situation via multidimensionality weakened the concept.
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Jun 25, 2013 13:09
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Jumping in on this while taking a flash rule. (Please don't hit me too hard)
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Jun 25, 2013 13:24
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HOMEWORK: Someone is born, lives, and dies in 100 words. 100 words. Jeremy was a difficult birth, a difficult child, and a difficult teenager. At seventeen he was arrested for shoplifting from the A&P that employed him, and for reselling cigarettes to local kids. He found a job in a run-down garage and it was there he heard his birth date read over the radio. “How’s ya grades?” asked the head mechanic, overhearing. Jeremy snorted. “Not good enough.” Overseas, Jeremy killed three men and wounded six others before a bullet found his right lung. Terrific, thought Jeremy, collapsing to his knees, struggling to stay upright, fumbling for a lighter. Just terrific.
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Jun 25, 2013 14:48
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Can we all agree to use the gender neutral pronoun "zee" ITT (at least when talking about each other)? I'm getting really uncomfortable.
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Jun 25, 2013 14:51
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I'm in with The Three Bridesmaids. Lucille was in a pickle. There was no hand sanitizer in the church bathroom, and her elbow was covered in corn, peanuts, and pus.
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Jun 25, 2013 15:03
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systran posted:Can we all agree to use the gender neutral pronoun "zee" ITT (at least when talking about each other)? I'm getting really uncomfortable. 
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Jun 25, 2013 15:31
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Thank you Fumblemouse and Bad Seafood for the crits. I am joining in this prompt to redeem myself. As for homework: A doctor is forced to choose between saving the life of his son or a complete stranger's. Son, that is, so two sons. (288 words) Dr. Hall stooped on his chair, staring the hospital director down. "This is my own son we're talking about." Light reflected in the director's glasses. He set them down, covering his eyes. "This patient came first. The difference isn't in seconds or in minutes. The boy arrived six hours before your child was admitted. He needs surgery, too." "Isn't there anyone who could do it? We could call Dr. Elliot, and--" "We both know Terrence is two states away. Both of them will die before he gets here." "I've already begun on my son. If I back out now..." Dr. Hall's voice trailed off. His hand clenched into a fist. "If I back out..." "You can save the other boy's life. His chances of survival are higher than your boy's. I'm afraid your efforts would be better redirected on him. We can save one life today." "At the expense of another's. At the expense of my son's." "If you ignore this boy, you'll be seen as placing your own needs ahead of the patients'. The entire hospital's image will be affected." "My son is also a patient!" "Continue operating on your son and you will never work in a hospital again." "Don't you have children too, Hector? Listen to yourself!" The director's voice chilled Dr. Hall to the bone. "I have a hospital to run. I am responsible for the lives of hundreds of patients. But this isn't about me. So I am telling you one last time--" "Operate on the boy." Dr. Hall stood up. "I'll do it. But I'm also not giving up on my son." "You may be good, but you can't save them both!" "Not if I operate on them at the same time."
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Jun 25, 2013 16:27
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A lot of daring souls this morning, I see!sebmojo posted:Flash rule me, 'shai. I hunger for it. Hunger, do you? Enough to eat this? Your Flash Rule is that your story should include a very old person still doing his/her job, with apples and facial necrosis optional.JonasSalk posted:I'm in for a crit and I'm in for a flash rule. An experiment should be collaborative. Some artistic experiments bring joy and beauty to the world. Some do not. Your Flash Rule is that your story should take us to a flea market, yard sale, or other secondhand outlet where the latter results are likely to end up.Voliun posted:Jumping in on this while taking a flash rule. Voliun, I'll give you a tip: I like jewels very much. Your Flash Rule to make jewelry important to your story could work in your favor if you do it justice.I'm not saying it needs to be tasteful jewelry, mind you. Fumblemouse, magnificent7, and Bad Seafood, thank you very much for the crits and the crown. My story could have had more bite, you're absolutely right. My last seven TD stories had involved people dying, so I went light to get out of a darkness rut. I'm glad it worked out and flattered that at least one of you couldn't tell I've never been an eight-year-old boy. 
Kaishai fucked around with this message at 17:46 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 16:50
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Kaishai posted:I've never been an eight-year-old boy.
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Jun 25, 2013 17:10
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Flash [rule] me please?
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Jun 25, 2013 17:46
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I am in. Flash rule me. Flash rule me hard.
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Jun 25, 2013 17:50
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Fumblemouse posted:the Rational Knight could be a great character, but he’s just a mouthpiece here, spouting ‘Great Scott’ (which nobody except Clark Kent’s editor has ever actually said) 
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Jun 25, 2013 17:52
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Mercedes posted:Flash [rule] me please? Look at this ugly witch. She's a stereotype, but a good writer could work against that stereotype and make her a compelling character. This is my challenge and Flash Rule for you: write a character who technically fits a common stereotype (a drunk frat boy, an arrogant chef, a smarmy politician; the possibilities are endless), but who is still three-dimensional.
Kaishai fucked around with this message at 19:35 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 18:16
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asap-salafi posted:I am in. Flash rule me. Flash rule me hard. Do you know what would be hard? Justifying the presence of this in your house. Your Flash Rule is to write about a person who finds love despite or because of his or her unmatched sense of home décor.
Kaishai fucked around with this message at 19:03 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 18:56
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In.
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Jun 25, 2013 19:56
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quote:Doc Brown says, "Great Scott." Superman's editor says, "Great Caesar's Ghost." quote:I'm glad it worked out and flattered that at least one of you couldn't tell I've never been an eight-year-old boy. It's this kind of sloppiness that indicates I shouldn't really be allowed near things composed of matter. In. Kaishai - hit me up with a flash rule for my sins. Fumblemouse fucked around with this message at 21:36 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 20:29
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Fumblemouse posted:In. Kaishai - hit me up with a flash rule for my sins. For such a sin, Fumblemouse, to look into the eyes of madness and despair is no less than a fitting punishment. Your Flash Rule: I want to see volcanic activity in your story, whether it takes the form of molten lava, world-chilling sulfuric haze, or the sort of pyroclastic flow that killed Pompeii.
Kaishai fucked around with this message at 21:23 on Jun 25, 2013 |
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Jun 25, 2013 21:17
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Flash rule me, I need some inspiration. Please don't make it something that forces me to spend a bunch of hours learning throw away facts on wikipedia though.
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Jun 26, 2013 01:00
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Oh hell, throw me some flash too.
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Jun 26, 2013 01:14
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Sitting Here posted:Flash rule me, I need some inspiration. Please don't make it something that forces me to spend a bunch of hours learning throw away facts on wikipedia though. Flash Rule Your story must include a protagonist deeply involved in Fractional Reserve Banking. Story must focus on bitcoins or equivalent cryptocurrency.
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Jun 26, 2013 01:50
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In. Please flash rule me. Thank you.
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Jun 26, 2013 02:03
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