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Chapter 61 – Moondance Part Three of Four quote:
What kind of screwed-up mind does it take to translate “Is this what it is like to be you!” into “I want to be a coaster”? quote:
“Rolling with me, forever”.  I can’t not see the innuendo now. Curse you, BBQ Crisis!  quote:
“Lay exhausted from the numerous rounds in the loop.” quote:
Only because they want an easily manipulated, dumb-as-bricks figurehead instead of the tough but fair, incorruptible and competent administrator that Ironwheel was. quote:
Railrunner can’t think, full stop. quote:
Miranda Leek has no idea how feudalism and monarchy works. quote:
97th sigh of the book.
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Jun 27, 2013 18:03
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He never asks her. He never asks her. Vampirism is already an innuendo for sex and rape, and he never asks her if she wants to become a roller coaster. Have the images for this chapter, the last two images of the book in fact:  
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Jun 27, 2013 18:58
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Being a focus of poetry and romance, I've heard a lot of different metaphors, similes, and analogies regarding the moon. "Vibrant orb" is a new one.
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Jun 27, 2013 19:07
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Bobbin Threadbare posted:Being a focus of poetry and romance, I've heard a lot of different metaphors, similes, and analogies regarding the moon. "Vibrant orb" is a new one. You'd think she'd use it to refer to the sun. And I think the art has broken me, because when I saw Clare sitting on Railrunner I thought "hey, she actually looks okay in this one" 
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Jun 27, 2013 19:35
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Vertigo plot summary: Part 3 Actually, there is nothing nailed down for Part 3 of Vertigo. And then I'm talking about the actual Part 3 of the book, not of the review. What I think what is going to happen is some sort of push, a major win for the good guys. Darkrail's army will be mostly decimated and he, among few other loyal servants, is forced into hiding. But a theme in the novel is that Railrunner will get rage attacks. He'll be out of control beast, and while he's raging things will go haywire. Earthquakes, structures falling down and things happening in general that are bad. The only thing that will bring him from his rage attacks is...  gently caress me why did I volunteer for this poo poo. Shadowtrack is the only one who can calm him down and this is why they are so madly in love because agagagagaga...... Railrunner decides to have a private discussion with Merrylegs about his problem.   Vertigo plot summary: Part 4 The group finally finds the Lost Souls Lair. The one in charge of it is Mistymetal. What Lost Soul Lair is is a hiding place for rides that were previously thought dead. gently caress me, it's possible that Angeltrack is there because she's one of the few rides we know of that we know that are dead. Railrunner speaks to Mistymetal about his raging problems and she tells him that Railrunner is extraordinarily linked to Amusement Park Between, and he has the possibility to destroy the Amusement Park Between with his anger management problem. In the meanwhile when this is happening. Darkrail is recuping from his loss of his army. He has Veinstreak, one of his last servants, and he uses her blood to create monsters. I guess the disease he's spreading isn't doing it for him fast enough.  "Only a Red can kill an Omen" I don't really know what this means. My best guess is that Railrunner somehow destroys the prophecy about Darkrail with his raging problems, learning to aim his destructive powers of the rage towards something intangible. It's like as if you actually manage to destroy an Elder Scroll in Morrowind/Oblivion/Skyrim. You're not just destroying something, you're destroying a concept. I come to this conclusion because it feels like something Miranda would do, but not very well. With the destruction of the "Omen", things are back to normal and Vertigo instantly disappears from anyone who's still alive and suffering from it. BONUS: THIRD NOVEL HEY GUYS DID YOU KNOW THERE IS A THIRD NOVEL PLANNED AS WELL?!?!   quote:I'm not revealing her name, but she's the daughter of a successful amusement park owner and knows the story of Between and all of its rides. She's a shy teenager but is loved by everyone. One night, Railrunner enters the park, Queen's Canyon (a mix of amusement park and zoo) just after he was tortured mercilessly by a new mysterious adversary. Railrunner suffered, never was fed or given any bit of kindness whatsoever. He was given painful injections that kept him restricted in the cruel environment. He escapes, not telling how, but not in good condition. The girl finds him in the park's midway, so weak that he can hardly move or lift his head.Railrunner can't even smile or speak and becomes distrustful; not even wanting any human to touch him. She and a friend take him to a secret room and cares for him under everyone's nose. During which, they form a unbreakable bond. quote:To the human eye, Railrunner is seen as a monster. Being a living roller coaster - he's worth money in pockets. In one case he is captured by a mysterious man and his team of bounty hunters that are a part of a secret government organization. He is drugged heavily, chained to a steel platform, and starved- all the while the group experiments. A week after he is originally captured, Railrunner awakes in a steel warehouse, unable to move, his bones visible, barely able to speak, and feeling horrible. He silently pleas for mercy, crying from any needle they force past him, injecting a serum that is intended to restrain - feeling like fire through his veins - and he's too weak to fight back. I'm done. I'm done with this summary. Here's the pastebin of all my sources. It's not in order.
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Jun 27, 2013 23:13
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I can only imagine she helps Railrunner because she's stoned out of her loving mind. I mean that's the only reason I can think why she and her friends would offer asylum to a mass murderer. And can you say "self-insert Mary Sue"? I sure can! quote:To the human eye, Railrunner is seen as a monster. Being a living roller coaster - he's worth money in pockets. In one case he is captured by a mysterious man and his team of bounty hunters that are a part of a secret government organization. He is drugged heavily, chained to a steel platform, and starved- all the while the group experiments. A week after he is originally captured, Railrunner awakes in a steel warehouse, unable to move, his bones visible, barely able to speak, and feeling horrible. He silently pleas for mercy, crying from any needle they force past him, injecting a serum that is intended to restrain - feeling like fire through his veins - and he's too weak to fight back. Seriously Miranda. Am I supposed to be feeling bad for him? These people are treating him exactly as he should be treated. Like an otherwordly mass-murdering monster. I mean okay, the starving thing is a bit over-the-top but it's not like he doesn't deserve it. These guys managed to capture Railrunner, and use needles that penetrate his healing factor and plot armor. They are cool and very competent, other than the obligatory "Accidentally letting the monster escape to meet the girl who nurses him back to health" bullshit. Why should I hate them?
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Jun 27, 2013 23:57
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Chapter 61 – Moondance Part Four of Four quote:
Railrunner’s still in roller-coaster form. How does the logistics of “put an arm around her shoulder” work? quote:
“Long list” of excuses, and the best he can think of is “I’ll think of something by then”. “  quote:
Thunderbark is so smart that he changes “If [magical racist guard spiders] bite a Fallen, he or she dies within an hour” into “it can only paralyze one for three days” within the same conversation (Chapter 32), and confuses “modified gun” with “modified bullets” within one day (Chapter 60). Though I guess by the standards by Railrunner and Clare, Thunderbark is “smart”. quote:
What fricking “master plans” is Railrunner talking about? quote:
Railrunner – so witty that when challenged by a security guard in Mystic Park, ‘“Well -,” was all [he] could mutter through [his] lips” (Chapter 60). quote:
Note again that he hasn’t bothered to ask Clare what she feels about being transformed into a monstrous abomination and leaving behind her life, family and friends forever. quote:
Thunderbark will probably end up apologizing to Railrunner. quote:
98th sigh of the book. quote:
Since it’s night-time, isn’t Thunderbark in roller-coaster form? How did he fit through the door into the meeting room in the first place, let alone get “behind the table”? quote:
“Recessively”.  quote:
Wait, what? Do roller-coasters have the ability to take out their eyes from their sockets? quote:
She never said she “wanted to be a roller coaster”! quote:
99th sigh of the book. quote:
What the hell, he really does end up apologizing to Railrunner.  quote:
If the “bad” thing is only going to occur “tomorrow”, that means that Thunderbark is indeed wrong to be worried about Railrunner’s absence “today”. So much for being “smart”.
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Jun 28, 2013 00:05
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Jesus, I used to be more down on my own writing, but after reading this I feel a lot better about myself. I don't think I could write this badly if I tried.  My favorite bit is a part the OP overlooked in chapter 35, sigh 54; Where he could "Flip everyone I hated off on a continental basis.". I think the author meant "Confidential Basis", but I prefer to think he has the power of planetary range bird-giving. Sure, why not.The fanfiction is amazing, too. In fact I'm tempted to write up something of my own because of all this. I'm only like halfway through the thread, though. I'll see what I can turn out in the next day or two after I get caught up. Focacciasaurus_Rex fucked around with this message at 00:14 on Jun 28, 2013 |
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Jun 28, 2013 00:08
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Focacciasaurus_Rex posted:Jesus, I used to be more down on my own writing, but after reading this I feel a lot better about myself. I don't think I could write this badly if I tried. This "book" has the power of making the most self-hating authors feel better about themselves - gently caress knows I've written some terrible things in my time, but Twisted takes the shiny red metal cake and eats it too. It should be mandatory reading for classes on How Not To Write Stories.
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Jun 28, 2013 00:22
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When about thirteen I once wrote a short story about an Enid Blyton group of kids where I replaced the names and dumped them on a dinosaur island. I submitted it to a writing contest and won (an educational CD). That was a terrible story, and if I had managed to stretch it for 100 pages or so I can see it being as bad as Twisted! Later I wrote an Alien VS Predator fic long before the movies and I had vague idea there were games (one 2d FPS and one newly arrived 3d shooter) and that was a wreck as well. Right now I'm just happy that both of those stories died when my backup hard drive went up in flames, along with few other stories that I'm also glad to lose. While I think that teenaged me wrote pretty bad stories, they're still worse than Twisted. But what Twisted is teaching me is that if you have an idea and actually write more than 50000 words, it still might not be good enough for publishing. No matter how many words, poo poo can be garbage. Last year, my NaNo was something I intended to publish one time, some lovecraftian terror in space. When I read it few months later (half-finished, 47000 words) I saw it was garbage. This year I'm going to write "Mechas VS Magical Girls" and I know I won't be publishing that at all :P
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Jun 28, 2013 00:45
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JosephWongKS posted:Note again that he hasn’t bothered to ask Clare what she feels about being transformed into a monstrous abomination and leaving behind her life, family and friends forever. Why would she care? It's not like Rodney did! 
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Jun 28, 2013 00:48
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Bobbin Threadbare posted:Why would she care? It's not like Rodney did! I found another review of this book online, mostly to check if I missed anything from previous chapters. Someone commented there that this is snatched from Highlander. Apparently a Highlander can give other people the immortality curse by doing something when they die, and they have to suffer before they die, and they can't know that they'll turn immortal after the suffering. That's why Railrunner commented when he learned about the curse that Clare had to suffer before she died, despite suffering never coming up in dialogue before Railrunner said that. Good thing that I'm taking a break from this thread over the weekend.
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Jun 28, 2013 00:52
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Chapter 62 - Calling Card Part One quote:
“Ice-cold wheels”. Roller-coaster anatomy will never stop being funny. quote:
A bit late in the book to raise these issues, I know, but why do were-roller coasters need to “drink” through their “mouths”? Even if we treat them as autonomous vehicles with internal combustion engines instead of electricity-powered carriages tied to specific tracks, shouldn’t they take in coolants or lubricants through a hose at the sides of their bodies? Like, seriously, 5 seconds of thought. quote:
And why do they need to “sweat”? Shouldn’t they disperse heat through the “vents” or “exhaust pipes” or something? quote:
That “nightmare” clearly depicted Railrunner about to transform Clare into a roller-coaster against her will. Ironwheel had nothing to do with it. quote:
This must be a really fricking huge cake factory if it can accommodate Thunderbark fitting into the meeting room, Railrunner going up and down the stairs and Thunderbark "leaping" in front of Railrunner. The obesity rates in Huntersberg / burg / ville must be through the roof. quote:
She’s not going to be “fine”, because you assholes are going to turn into her an abomination without her consent. quote:
Ahh, good old gravitational control powers. JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 01:25 on Jun 28, 2013 |
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Jun 28, 2013 01:22
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Vertigo plot posted:I'm not revealing her name, but she's the daughter of a successful amusement park owner and knows the story of Between and all of its rides. She's a shy teenager but is loved by everyone. And her name was Miranda and she loved rollercoasters! 
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Jun 28, 2013 01:26
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JosephWongKS posted:A bit late in the book to raise these issues, I know, but why do were-roller coasters need to “drink” through their “mouths”? Even if we treat them as autonomous vehicles with internal combustion engines instead of electricity-powered carriages tied to specific tracks, shouldn’t they take in coolants or lubricants through a hose at the sides of their bodies? They aren't even electrically powered; roller coasters are entirely driven by inertia granted to them by lifts built into the tracks. There's really no reason for them to be hot to any degree, except maybe around the wheels due to friction.
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Jun 28, 2013 02:19
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Chapter 62 - Calling Card Part Two quote:
Forget about “consenting” to being turned into an abomination - Clare doesn’t even know what Railrunner has in mind for her. quote:
Clare is as stupid as Railrunner. They are a perfect fit for each other. quote:
He’s been wearing the same hoodie for days. Doesn’t it stink by now? quote:
Still holding out hope that Captain Vick is playing the long con and setting up Ironwheel and Railrunner to wipe each other out. quote:
That’s not a “plan”. A plan involves at least two elements. quote:
Ironwheel!  quote:
Such blatant pro-Railrunner propaganda has no credibility whatsoever. What really happened was that Ironwheel gave those naughty boys a good long lecture about the value of education before bringing them to the county library and recommending some good books to them. quote:
Ironwheel still has not sighed a single time. That alone puts him far above all the other characters in this book.
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Jun 28, 2013 02:28
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Eh, I still wouldn't hold it against Ironwheel. Teenagers who steal people's canes for shits and giggles deserve what's coming to them. And man, Miranda really likes this loving trope. How many times has a criminal tried to mug a being more powerful than themselves so far?
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Jun 28, 2013 03:32
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Chapter 62 - Calling Card Part Three of Three quote:
100th sigh of the book! quote:
Just like you guys, assholes. Except you guys have killed and injured far, far innocents than Ironwheel has. quote:
Amusement Park Between – a world so advanced, they have not yet developed automated traffic regulatory systems. quote:
101st sigh of the book!! quote:
These aren’t “jokes”, they are just “statements”. quote:
Please let this be a trap please let this be a trap please let this be a trap quote:
This movie reference could not be any more forced. quote:
Please let this be a trap please let this be a trap please let this be a trap quote:
Police stations and police officers do not work like this at all! quote:
Captain Vick is a clearly a traitor, why aren’t any of his subordinates arresting him? quote:
Not that the police shouldn’t care about the deaths of two young boys, but Railrunner and his posse have killed hundreds of civilians and policemen AND THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! If you want to form an alliance with one enemy against another enemy THE SECOND ENEMY ACTUALLY HAS TO BE A BIGGER THREAT THAN THE FIRST ENEMY! quote:
JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 07:09 on Jun 28, 2013 |
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Jun 28, 2013 06:37
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I think I would find being water boarded a better time than reading this poo poo.
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Jun 28, 2013 07:07
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Mercedes posted:I think I would find being water boarded a better time than reading this poo poo. It's basically the real world equivalent of Vogon poetry.
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Jun 28, 2013 10:59
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Wait, wasn't Thunderbark supposed to be looking after Railrunner for 30+ years in the real world? You think he'd have figured out basic traffic laws in that time.
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Jun 28, 2013 15:56
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Hey I didn't know I could run into a police station, point my illegally-obtained guns at officers, and simply explain to them that they are for my protection! I didn't know they would just stare in fear at me!! Sweet! ********************* THIS FORUM IS NOW UNDER INVESTIGATION BY THE FBI FOLLOWING FORUM POSTER JOEYJOJOJR SHABADOO'S ARREST AT 0800 PACIFIC TIME. ANYONE WITH KNOWLEDGE OF OR WITNESS TO THE CRIME, WHICH OCCURED AT LOS ANGELES POLICE PRECINCT 25 HEADQUARTERS, IS ASKED TO CONTACT THE FBI AT 1-800-FBI-TIPS.
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Jun 28, 2013 16:21
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quote:Not that the police shouldn’t care about the deaths of two young boys, but Railrunner and his posse have killed hundreds of civilians and policemen AND THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU! If you want to form an alliance with one enemy against another enemy [b]THE SECOND ENEMY ACTUALLY HAS TO BE A BIGGER THREAT THAN THE FIRST ENEMY!
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Jun 28, 2013 16:22
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(Set about chapter 8-ish. Written in about an hour.) Detective Black got out of his car as he walked to the fairground, dropping his Morley brand cigarette to the ground and grinding it beneath his shoe. His eyes were baggy and bloodshot. He'd been on edge since that red demon first appeared. It had torn up a local bar. Killed a few people and a pet. And it had gotten away scott free, still at large. It could strike again at any time. Needless to say he and many on the force had lost some sleep, but that was cold comfort to those who had lost so much more. He'd been either at memorials for the lost officers or trying to look up what information he could about this red rollercoaster that had recently torn up a local bar. He'd been pouring over any information he could between the doc was patching him up and running to the john. Police records. Local news. The wierd paranormal sites other investigators overlooked in cases like this. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It was all evil clowns or poltergeists or other more mundane things. But a were roller coaster? That was new. He was getting too old for this bullshit. He'd called up one of his old contacts from eastern europe. Nice fellow. Hardly spoke a word of english. Hunted vampires and werewolves and other supernatural nasties for a living. Unfortunately, his contact didn't know anything about were-coasters. Or even plain ol' rollercoasters. Turns out there weren't many theme parks in that part of europe. Though he did have a funny story about a were-tractor. Said it claimed to come from the "Farm Yard Between". Detective Black just rolled his eyes at the concept and said he'd swap stories later. He had a machine to scrap. After he hung up he sat and thought for a while. He decided he'd been thinking too hard about it. Needed to take a walk and clear his head a bit. Maybe somewhere fun... And that's where it hit him. Kill two birds with one stone. Blow off some steam and maybe get a lead at the same time. This thing clearly had some relation to theme parks, so maybe the local attraction maintenance men had a few tips on how to best throw a wrench into a rampaging coaster's works. He walked down the midway, surrounded by crowds of people. It was a busy night, mostly families with kids or couples on dates, or just people looking to forget their worries for a while. He saw one of the attractions, one of those shooting galleries with rifles tethered to a bench. It was relatively modern, and clearly had been renovated. It used to be something about cops and robbers, but the robbers had been replaced with hand painted metal depictions of the red rollercoaster that had been seen earlier. The detective quirked an eyebrow at the man operating the booth, who had clearly not been sleeping too well either, and was just sitting there with his face in his red-paint-covered hands. Black briefly wondered why this man cared so much about something that was mostly police business, until he saw the sign propped up against a jar on the desk. "ALL PROCEEDS GO TO THE FUNERAL OF MY WIFE. LOVING MOTHER AND AMBULANCE DRIVER, CRUSHED TO DEATH DURING A CALL TO CALLOWAY'S BAR. It had a photograph of the man and woman, posing with a young girl between them. Black recognized her. She had been driving the ambulance and listening to the dispatch when that drat rollercoaster leapt on top of it for fun, pancaking it. She died a slow death, slowly bleeding out and suffocating in a bed of broken metal and glass. They'd happened to be close by when two patrons managed to cut their hands on their glasses somehow, and could respond quickly. The next furthest out paramedics were... Not as close. They'd eventually gotten her out with the jaws of life, but it was too late. She'd died at the hospital the next day. Detective Black frowned, and tossed a 20 dollar bill into the jar. "Detective Black. Paranaturals division. We lost a lot of good men and women that day... Don't worry, we'll bring him in, dead or alive. I've taken down worse." He said as the man nodded and rolled a handful of beebees. Huh. Those were really rare in a gallery shooter these days. Guess he wanted to see that bastard have a few holes through him. The detective was only happy to oblige as he loaded the fake rifle, took aim at the one chasing a rollercoaster, and fired. He was expecting a little ting and another divot to appear on the metal figure. Instead, the rifle kicked like a mule and the metal effigy shattered into pieces. The man running the booth looked shocked. Detective Black, on the other hand, was already considering what it meant. If the creature was somehow drawing power from the amusement park, then surely, he could somehow use it for himself, right...? He didn't have much time to ruminate on it. Suddenly, he heard a woman scream under the nearby roller coaster. He turned his head and saw hear standing near a rather unusual man. Unusual in that he was quickly turning into the metal beast that had mowed down good men just for fun. The operator also saw him and looked like he was going into shock. Detective Black just ripped the rifle off the gallery, and ran towards it. He had to do what he could to protect the people, and he hoped his hypothesis was right. It was, he'd shot a hole clean through the metal hide of the beast, but he quickly found himself buried in another midway tent, his blow cushioned by a pile of uninflated plastic weaponry. The rifle wasn't so lucky, having taken most of the blow and shattering into cheap, foreign-made pieces as a result. By the time he managed to fish himself out of the pile, people were already running away in a panic. He looked to see if the woman at least made it out, only to see her carted away on a... carousel horse. This was getting weirder by the second, but at least not all of them seemed bad. And he had time to look for another weapon. Maybe something with a bit more kick. He looked at the pile at his feet. A giant baseball bat, no. A massive hammer, no. Those weird fist bopping things, no. Some kind of sword, eh? It was smaller in size, but like the other inflatable weaponry it was still in the biggest prize class. He took a deep breath- then immediately proceeded to cough heavily from the strain and the years of smoking. He blew in a small puff between breaths, and forced it all into the far end. The tip immediately became sharp, and took an edge that easily sliced through the last remaining pole. This would work well, but he didn't know how much time that horse had bought him. And with smoker's lung, he wasn't sure he could do it at all. He looked back over to see if anyone was around, and there was the man from the shooting gallery, curled up in the fetal position between two tents and sobbing. "Hey, you, I need your help. I'm gonna take revenge on that bastard.". The man stopped crying a bit and looked up at the detective. A few moments later, he was carrying around a supernaturally sharp and machete that was, at the same time, as light as the inflatable object would be. The civilians had all already fled of their own volition as he followed the trail left by the runaway roller, not hard given how destructive it was and how complicated a goose chase the horse had apparently led him on. He crept up behind the creature, readying to stab it while mentally noting this was the third goofiest case he'd been involved in. "Yeah, Definitely too old for this bullshit." he thought as he raised the machete high... Edit: Scanned for some of the issues listed below.  Edit Edit: One last review in case of goldmine. Focacciasaurus_Rex fucked around with this message at 05:54 on Apr 15, 2014 |
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Jun 28, 2013 21:07
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 I adore you for this. I love Detective Black.
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Jun 29, 2013 01:27
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Chapter 63 - The Fun Begins Part One quote:
They brought out choppers for a dude who killed two boys and a bartender (again, not that this is “okay”) and are buddies with the gang of cop-killers whose members include one known deserter from the police. How do you write this and decide this is something you are proud of and want to show to the public? quote:
The police didn’t even try to evacuate civilians from the area before they started the encirclement? Things have really gone downhill since Detective Black retired. quote:
Time to “restore order”, said the abomination whose answer to everything is “THREATEN” and “KILL”. quote:
Why is Thunderbark “full of worry”? Ironwheel remaining in place while human traitors sacrifice themselves for the cause of a murderous brute fits with his intentions; he should be worried only if Ironwheel does back away from the challenge. quote:
What, exactly, has Ironwheel done that you lot haven’t already been done willingly and eagerly? quote:
I hate these smug fuckers with the burning fury of a thousand suns. quote:
What kind of weak-rear end “city” is this if there are only “three tall objects” in the entire place? And what about the hotel you assholes brought Railrunner to in Chapter 10? How can an entire hotel be shorter than coaster tracks and a “clock tower”? quote:
Railrunner’s “train” of “thought” at the best of times can’t be seen with an electron microscope; his “short” “train” of “thought” probably defies the best in human optics technology, although no doubt glorious advanced coaster technology has come up with methods to detect. quote:
Note that he still has not actually asked for, let alone received, her consent to the transformation.
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Jun 29, 2013 03:05
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JosephWongKS posted:What kind of weak-rear end “city” is this if there are only “three tall objects” in the entire place? There are two-story hotels. Sometimes they get built wider than they are tall. Plus coaster tracks can be up to 400 feet tall.
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Jun 29, 2013 03:34
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Once the ship was underway, Detective Black left his seat and moved to the edge of the vessel. The Viking ship may have been full of passengers, but Black was feeling particularly lonely at the moment. He was the only true human on board, after all, a stranger in a strange land. For a time, he watched as swanboats ducked their heads underwater to pick out seaweed sandwiches and salad-shaped bunches by the shore while fisherman automatons threw nets over their sides to catch schools of gleaming goldfish crackers, but as the swinging ship progressed up the river, the fishing boats were left behind and Black's mind wandered off into his memories. Richard Black met his future wife Mars at a policeman's ball. He was still a patrol officer then, but he was absolutely certain his special "skills" would earn him a promotion to detective as soon as he earned enough job experience. Looking back, Black knew he must have been insufferable at the time, and his frequently rotating partners would all have attested to this. Mars was someone else's date to the ball, but Black wasn't one to let a little detail like that stop him. Back then, Black would use his psychic talent at reading personalities to convince women to sleep with him. He never promised anything he wasn't prepared to deliver, but after spending his high school years practicing, Black became very good at finding out what certain kinds of women wanted to hear and telling it to them. Mars was just one more in a long line of Richard's conquests. At some point during the morning after, Black accidentally mentioned his abilities and Mars responded by slapping him in the face and storming out of his apartment. Richard considered it unfortunate, but he thought nothing more of it and never saw her until six months later. When they met again, Black was on a walking patrol and happened to spot Mars using a laptop at an outdoor café. Recalling how good the sex was and figuring she wouldn't refuse a man in uniform, he took a moment to apologize and gave her his phone number. Much to his surprise, she called him back. Still, their relationship moved much slower the second time around. It took Richard three months to convince Mars that he couldn't turn off his mental powers even if he wanted to, and it took Mars another three months to convince Richard to make things exclusive. A year and a promotion to detective later, the two married. Their first child, Ken, died a week after he was born. His lungs weren't fully developed, and nothing the hospital did could help. Rick and Mars fell apart from each other for a year afterwards, and it was only after some outside counseling and extensive use of Rick's telepathy that they came back together and conceived Sarah. Having a healthy daughter did wonders for their relationship, but as much as they hoped and tried for a son, or even a second daughter, it eventually became apparent that Sarah was all that Rick and Mars would be given. Of course, given how much trouble Sarah gave them, as a baby and then as a preteen, Black had to wonder just why he ever thought going through it twice would be a good idea. Sleepless nights, diaper changing, tantrums, screaming, crayon and marker drawings on everything, messes everywhere, PTA meetings, having to explain his job on career day...just the month before, Sarah discovered Cosmopolitan for the first time and Black had no idea what was going to happen next. Then Rick remembered all the hugs and the kisses and the "I love you, Dad's." He remembered taking her to his favorite barber when she was five and helping her pick out a good style, although Mars did most of the work. He remembered when a hurricane hit the East Coast and how when the last vestiges reached their town Sarah asked if they were all going to die. He remembered doing his best to dodge all the questions she came home with after sex education began at her school. He remembered how he could never say no when she gave him that one look and how he and Mars spoiled her just as hard as the combined salaries of a detective and a part-time journalist would allow. A strange vibration in the metal Viking shield he was leaning against brought Detective Black back into the present. Looking at the other passengers, he saw he wasn't the only one feeling uneasy, although nothing appeared to be wrong. Suddenly, a loud, bleating horn sounded from around a bend in the river upstream. Everyone on board fell silent then, and Black felt a growing wave of dread. Thunderbolt walked over to where Black was standing. "This is bad," the old man said. "That's the call of Raptor's Raiders."
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Jun 29, 2013 04:48
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DicktheCat posted:
Woo, positive feedback!  . I'm sure it has plenty of problems but it's still a ton better than Miranda's. How could someone let so potentially fertile a ground for imaginative writing go so horribly bare?Oh, right. Because she's a terrible author.
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Jun 29, 2013 05:39
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Chapter 63 - The Fun Begins Part Two quote:
“Our kiss was very real, and very meaningful.” quote:
If that roar “trembled even the largest armored truck”, wouldn’t it have knocked over Clare (who was standing right next to him) or even knocked her out cold or gave her an aneurysm? quote:
How would an “office building” with a mere “ten stories” have doors and a lobby large enough to accommodate a seventeen-foot tall, twenty-thousand pound roller coaster? quote:
What about the elevator inside the shaft? Wouldn’t it have gotten in Railrunner’s way at some point during his climb? quote:
This does close a plot-hole in the story. Credit to Miranda Leek where credit is due. quote:
What else would one expect out of someone who forgets whether his magical racist guard spiders are instantly fatal to Fallen or only paralyze them for three days? quote:
Stop saying that, Railrunner. You are nowhere near as smart as Bruce Banner, you are not reluctant or hesitant to transform, you indulge in mass murder and destruction with full knowledge and willingness, and you have never performed any acts of heroism or altruism to offset your acts of destruction and brutality.
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Jun 29, 2013 13:32
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How do reds get put in storage or destroyed? They aren't real-world coasters, they're born through magic poo poo in that temple place.
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Jun 29, 2013 14:38
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Madoushi posted:How do reds get put in storage or destroyed? They aren't real-world coasters, they're born through magic poo poo in that temple place. I think what Ironwheel meant was, what happens when real-world coasters that are red in colour get put in storage or destroyed. Instead of incarnating in Amusement Park Between as another dumbass red roller-coaster, they turn into superior black specimens like Ironwheel himself.
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Jun 29, 2013 14:46
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So why is it significant that Ironwheel was painted red when he was made? He wasn't born like a red coaster and he doesn't have their magical protagonist powers. Are coasters that used to be red intrinsically superior to other coasters anyway? Why does it matter what colour he used to be? Also, if all red coasters turn black then black coasters should get twice the new arrivals that the other colours do, and we haven't seen any except the benevolent dictator himself. The only logical solution is that the rest of APB are murdering them on sight like the racist little shits they are.
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Jun 29, 2013 17:32
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Chapter 63 - The Fun Begins Part Three of Three quote:
Given that the police have done nothing during this entire sequence, my hopes are rising that this is indeed an entrapment operation by Captain Vick and that he and his officers are right now subduing Railrunner’s gang and their human quislings. quote:
Second time Thunderbark has cried from pain or fear in this series. What a worthless wimp he is. quote:
“And then Captain Vick noticed the absolute lack of effect of the bullets and realized that Railrunner had been lying to him all this time, and deployed the magic net which Detective Black had used to such great effect in Chapter 13. Railrunner was swiftly captured and condemned to be dissected like the animal he was.” quote:
Thunderbark continues to tear up at the smallest little thing. quote:
The humans in this book continue to be more concerned about avoiding collateral damage and harming innocents than the amusement park rides. quote:
Merrylegs and Static continue to be utterly, utterly worthless. quote:
And JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 19:50 on Jun 29, 2013 |
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Jun 29, 2013 19:04
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I think you meant Ironwheel there. Thunderbark is a terrible character.
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Jun 29, 2013 19:23
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You know, every time I've read the name "Miranda" in this thread, I can't help but imagine the genetically engineered lady from Mass Effect. It just fits too well, what with the "I'm so special and perfect!" attitude and all, and dangerous levels of smug. Also, on cake factories, they are probably talking about the creme filled snack cakes such as "twinkies" or "ding dongs" or even  , which are the most common type assembled in factories. Especially ones with gas canisters in them, which are basically used to build pressure and propel the cream filling into the cakes after they are already baked. The most common gas used, if I recall, is either Nitrogen or CO2.  And as a final point of curiosity, what country are you from JWKS? Anyway, more fanfiction time. These ones at varying times. This time of Freakshow. Because this anti-fallen propoganda needs to stop. + + + Freakshow crawled out of her bed. Well, not so much crawled as rolled out on her side, her joints seizing all over her body. This was a recurring problem with her, a side effect of her mismatched design that happened fairly often, usually when she sat still for too long without stretching or slept poorly. And always after she had nightmares. The pain of all those cramps in her long body brought tears to her eyes. She attempted to call for help but her jaw had seized up, resulting in her just going "Uuunnn! Uuuunnnn!" to the best of her ability. Normally her voice didn't sound too bad, it just randomly changed between the sounds her various voices her "donors" would have had based on syllables and stresses, but due to the rather severe pain she was in, it sounded like someone torturing a drive through speaker. After a short time, her personal therapist and physician Bones trotted in. He had a habit of checking in on her regularly, and his stable was right near her bedroom just in case. He reared up on his hing legs and neighed. "Goodness, Mistress! Do not fret, I'll attend to you at once!". And he did, trotting over to her mouth and giving her a swift kick in the jaw with her hind legs. It was enough force to break a lesser ride's neck, but was just enough to knock it back into alignment. She hissed in pain as he trotted over to her medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of medicated lubricant, him pouring it on her slightly rusted jaw joints as she worked her mouth. "Ah, Bones, Bones, you're my favorite crew member for a reason. I don't know what I'd do without you...", "Well you'd certainly have to start oiling your hinges more. You know this happens more often when you don't take care of your hinges." "Hgh, it's that damned Red, I've been preoccupied with- Agh, between my third and fourth cars, hurry...". He began pouring some more of the lubricant between two of her mismatched cars and giving them a few stomps until she could bend them again, the sound of hooves striking wood and metal echoed down the halls. She gritted her teeth then hissed in a combination of pain and relief, quickly stretching her back up and down to make sure they didn't lock again. He spotted the last section that needed treating, the one connecting her last two carts. "Ah, I've been... Having the nightmares again too... Oh, yes, right there!" She flicked her tail section joyfully, giving her entire body a catlike stretch and shuddering as most of the pain faded. "Which nightmares, Mistress?", "I've been dreaming about the Red again. He... He killed you, Bones. Just because you were Fallen." "There, there Freakshow. Here, let me take a look." He said, laying a horn on her head as she bent down. He concentrated a bit, frowning. Her dreams were cluttered like usual. Filled with smoke and fire and laughing teenagers cheering as the abandoned amusement park burned down, lit by a fire they'd set on purpose just to watch it all burn. It... Was a recurring dream for many in the castle, including Bones and even for the castle itself. They'd all been from the same "Halloween" themed park, and it had been shortly after the place had closed down for the cold winter. He whinnied a bit and kept going, he'd seen this too many times already to be bothered. He eventually came upon the dream that had her so out of sorts, and it was... Different somehow. It wasn't a memory, and it wasn't just the usual random goings on seen in dreams it was... It was... Goodness! He quickly pulled away, looking panicked. The cracking of his own neck was still ringing in his ears, but he wouldn't bolt on his mistress. "See? He just took your neck and snapped it in two like a twig! You didn't lift a hoof against him, and he grinned as you died!" She said, embracing her loyal carousel horse with her front six legs. He leaned in close against her, a little worried. Some roller coasters had prophetic visions, though of course the Reds, self involved assholes they were, claimed it was a power only they could have. Freakshow occasionally exhibited such powers, as well as rare bouts of mind reading. Bones long wondered if it was something one of her donors would have had, had the humans not... He put the though out of his mind and put on a happy face instead, trying to cheer her. "I'm still alive and well, and you're still the most beautiful coaster in the world to me.". A big oily tear splashed on the back of his neck as she pulled away, smiling a bit. "Now, Mistress, dry your tears. A messenger from Zegria has arrived to greet Lord Ironwheel and he wants you to hear his message. He says he has important news about the Arena. It sounds dire.". Freakshow nodded, her neck still sounding a bit squeaky. The Arena was important, being an excellent show for the people, a great way for the more violent rides to blow off steam, and a source of income for the city. It would be a terrible blow to the morale of the people and the stability of the economy if something had happened to it. "I'm still a bit stuff but I'll get there as soon as I can." "Understood, Mistress. I'll go inform Lord Ironwheel.". He cantered out of her room as she turned back to a mirror she had. She looked over her scarred body somewhat solemnly, taking the half empty bottle of oil and a screwdriver and performing her usual morning maintenance on herself. Her powers of regeneration were the strongest any coaster had known when in battle. She was able to regrow appendages and organs almost immediately. She'd had her eye taken out more times than she cared to remember, and each time she just laughed it off as new ones quickly appeared. Outside of it, however, was a different story. Her body was always in a state of decay, and without constant repairs she'd simply fall apart eventually. Her wood parts mouldered and warped. Her steel parts rusted and corroded. And the plastic and rubber connectors constantly had painful holes developing in them that needed patching. Maybe it was her body having to use most of her regeneration power just to hold together at all. Maybe it was just saving it up for combat. Nobody knew. She soldered one of her wheels back on and gave it a flex. There, that should do it. + + + Bones took a minute to collect his thoughts in the hallway. Miss Freak Show looked fearsome, but she was really quite caring. She had more empathy in her than all the coasters used to make her put together, but she was abused by humans and a pariah even among other rides. And to think that all reports said the Red coaster spent all his time whining that people wanted to bring him to justice... He'd seen more than just the dream his mistress had mentioned, but she apparently did not remember. Images of Freakshow's body hollowed out, gutted like a fish. Visions of the red biting a human, and her turning into a ride. Flashes of the Red intertwined with his new mate, a purple easy ride, and then her giving birth months later like a human. And always he felt like he was falling, falling, falling. Between the outrage, the sensation of falling, and the disgusting Red's perversions, Bones almost puked his morning hay onto the hallway floor. To his credit, he did not. Instead he did it out the window and into the moat below.  + + + The clearly terrified carousel horse walked into the throne room in front of Lord Ironwheel. He was afraid for a good reason, though; The Red had returned. Lord Ironwheel kept the pile of skulls next to it as a constant reminder of the threat the world faced, of all the lives each Red had taken for their own amusement. A different pile for each one in history, and already Rail Runner's was looking like it would be the largest and most pointlessly cruel of them all. Bloodthirsty, vicious, stupid, and completely insane, the Reds posed as much of a threat as anything. He wanted to keep order in the world as best he could. Proper sanitation made the occasional outbreak of vertigo relatively harmless, as even magical plagues could be beaten with handwashing and face masks and thorough sterilization of tools. But the Reds, they were much more insidious. Immortal, overpowered, and with the seeming ability to have everyone follow them blindly no matter how obviously evil they were. They had to be stopped at any cost. At least he'd managed a fairly good control rate with just having pregnant coasters taken out shortly before they gave birth. Since pregnancy was rare and only resulted in Reds, it was surprisingly easy. They had tried educating the reds to be upstanding citizens, but they always came out more sociopathic and broken than the last. Clearly, it didn't work. Next they had started simply requesting the reds as soon as they were born so they could be taken to be imprisoned or destroyed. It would save countless lives, but always the mothers refused. He didn't know if it was some sort of brainwashing that happened wherever they vanished to to get knocked up, or if the Red's mind control powers started before they were born. Either way the mothers would always refuse, and so they had to use force. And the mothers always fought to the death. Normally he did it himself, being forced to slay the sweetest and gentlest coasters in the land because they contained demons wore on the psyches of lesser coasters. But the last time, it was Angel Track... She was only other coaster aside from himself who would even acknowledge Freak Show's existence outside of epithets, and the two had become very close. When it was clear Angel Track was next in line, Freak Show pleaded to go instead of her Lord. That maybe, just maybe, she could convince her best friend to not throw her life away protecting the child. Perhaps a bit naively, he agreed, weary of the needless bloodshed. It didn't work. Freak Show came back to the castle, laughing and laughing and laughing, with tears streaming down her face. She had Angel Track's head, her best friend's head, stuffed in her back car, trailing oil the entire way. She didn't stop laughing for days, didn't sleep, didn't eat, didn't talk, just laughed and cried at the same time. Bones was eventually forced to sedate her to get her to snap out of it. Something had broken in Freak Show that day, and she never spoke of it again. He didn't have the heart to ask, and always regretted allowing her to go. He'd assumed she'd been successful, but if she had failed that only made his regrets deeper. All that to not even prevent the greatest catastrophe known to the "Theme Park Beyond"... + + + Freakshow had already left the throne room to go hunt down the rogue rollercoaster once and for all, with a team of her bravest Fallen. She hated humans because of their senseless violence, and to see a fellow coaster exceed them in pointless brutality made her oil pressure skyrocket. His rampage in the human world would have every human smashing roller coasters and tearing down all the theme parks. The thought of having even one more ride go through the cruelty needed to become a fallen made her gut turn like an overfed park goer on the Wall of Death. The number of Fallen that would result was unthinkable. This had to end. Now. + + + Freakshow laid on the cold hard ground of where the Red had left her. She wasn't moving a muscle or breathing at all as he gloated about his kill, or when he then went off to plan for the next day. She held her breath for as long as she could, glad she took the time to take a big deep breath before he tore her heart out. When she was sure the coast was clear, and her lungs were burning, she exhaled, and panted a bit, the sweet taste of air stained with the smell of oil. Afraid to move in case it made too much noise, she simply tilted her eyes to the floor and scanned it. Yep, that was her heart alright. Well, one of them, anyway. She closed her eyes again and hissed quietly. That idiot, falling for the same trick twice. Didn't even bother checking she was properly dead, AGAIN. He hadn't even noticed that two of her lower cars were chest cars. Being a cobbled together monster had it's advantages, redundant vital organs being a main one. He'd seen her regrow limbs, replacing a redundant heart later would be easy. At least that moron red clawed it out himself, her healing factor may have given herself away if it had been one of the others. She even had an extra liver for when other racist coasters tried to poison her, or when squashing those stupid bigoted spiders. Great for drinking contests too, or at least would be if rides could get drunk. She still fancied rum anyway, though. Maybe it was her having parts from multiple pirate themed rides, or just acquired taste, but either way a big ol' barrel of rum sounded great right about now. She held her breath and held still again as she heard someone coming down the stairs again. She thought they'd all left by now... A pair of mismatched claws hit the floor next to her. "Care for drinks back at my bar, m'am? Looks like you've had a rough night.". Her blank expression slowly curved into a smile. + + + Calloway got up from behind his bar, rubbing his wheels against his neck. He slunk over to his door, wondering if what he'd just gone through was a dream. He swore he just had his throat ripped out, and was left dying on the floor in a pool of his own blood. There certainly was a lot of blood on the floor, but he reached up and felt his neck. It was perfectly fine. Ugh, maybe he shouldn't have tried that imported stuff. His head was killing him. He flipped the sign on the recently replaced front window to closed and prepared to walk out the door,when he noticed a note on the inside. The text was... Unusual. It was like the hand written equivalent of those ransom notes clipped from random letters on magazines. "DeAr HuMaN cAlLoWaY, (Rest of text continued like this, but I won't be typing the entire thing like that.) I know you have been having trouble with the Red Coaster known as Rail Runner. He has slain your guardsmen, devoured your human customers, and destroyed your territory. I smelled the desire for revenge on you, and read in your thoughts that you would gladly accept. So, I gave you the greatest gift I could. The power to fight back against him. All I ask in return is for you to find me. Simply follow my scent trail after dusk. You will find me, but chances are good he killed me so use caution. I will, hopefully, explain more then. I could not linger or the Red may have found you. It is a full moon so you should have control. Do not let anyone see you, especially the Red and his accomplices." Calloway quirked an eyebrow at the note before reaching for the door again. "Scent trail? Territory? What did-" Then he saw his reflection in the glass. He was a roller coaster just like them, except... It looked like he was made from random parts. Not just one machine. Nothing matched. He ducked down and covered his eyes, taking a deep breath through his nose. The smell of all the broken booze, all the patrons that had been in there since a few months ago, even himself, all there. Of course the two strongest were those of the odd couple that had come in before. And he could tell there were no humans around either. He got up, almost intoxicated by his new sense, and crawled out the door, following that trail... + + + "Hey, Thunderbark, good job on getting rid of Freakshow's body." "I'm sorry, I don't think I had time to-" The Red's eyes narrowed. "Well it's gone and I certainly didn't, and all the rest of the crew couldn't do it even put together, so clearly YOU must have. Right?", said Railrunner, extending his claws threateningly. Thunderbark broke eye contact. "Yes, of course, Sorry. I totally moved it." "Good."  Edit: Fixed some of the issues pointed out below. Edit Edit: Fixing up the post a bit in case thread is goldmined. Focacciasaurus_Rex fucked around with this message at 05:49 on Apr 15, 2014 |
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Jun 29, 2013 19:56
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Focacciasaurus_Rex posted:A look at the other side. I meant to offer critique of your previous bit of fanfiction, but I'm a horrible, lazy person, so I didn't. I'll do it this time, though. Both in this and your previous offering, the story itself has been quite excellent. You do a good job keeping a coherent narrative, and you don't forget things that have happened in the past. Really, my only problem is that it's still fully entrenched in Miranda's setting, but that's solely the fault of Miranda. There's a bit of a problem with sentence structuring and run-on sentences, but more-so in the previous piece than this one. One sentence in particular that stood out to me: quote:They had tried educating them to be upstanding citizens, but they always came out more sociopathic and broken than the last, but that didn't work. This sentence doubles up on ",but", and both second statements say the same thing in different ways. I feel that it would work best with ", but that didn't work." removed entirely. Looking at it long enough to have been talking about it, though, it seems like it could have easily just been overlooked in editing. I'm pretty certain I've had more than a few doubled up statements in my few meager writings. And then there's this: quote:The clearly terrified carousel horse walked into the throne room in front of Lord Ironwheel. [...] When it was clear Angel Track was next in line, Freak Show pleaded to go instead of me. For one sentence, for the length of one word, you switched perspectives from 3rd to 1st. Maybe an artifact from originally writing that paragraph from Ironwheel's perspective? Maybe just a slip-up in an otherwise regular paragraph? Either way, it stuck out to me big-time. So, in review, I have two complaints about your writing. One is a mild general issue, and one is a specific point that you messed up. This puts you... somewhere in the ranks of the most highly regarded writers in history when compared to Miranda Leek. For a comparison that you aren't completely beyond, you're just a bit behind Bobbin Threadbare's Detective Black works. And I don't think anyone's "fan"fiction can really compare to those unless they themselves write Black. It's probably better than I could do in so many words; in writing, I've always been prone to keeping things to the point. (As you can clearly tell, right?  )All in all, good job.
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Jun 30, 2013 03:02
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Oh, yeah, Rex, I don't want to seem like I'm jumping on you, since Oblivionlotsanumbers gave you some critique, but I want to point out a grammar thing. When a new person speaks, it should be a new paragraph. Like this: "Wow, this so-called 'fanfiction' is way better than the original," I murmured to myself. "What was that?" my roommate asked behind me, stopping on her trip to the kitchen to peek over my shoulder. I looked up, a touch startled by the tiny girl, and replied, "Oh, I'm reading fanfiction of that stupid roller-coaster story. You know, the one I've been reading the thread about?" "Okay," she said, stretching out the last syllable in a way that made me think that she doubted my sanity a little. Otherwise, I'm really digging your story. I really like that you're sticking with the mechanical aspect of the coasters, what with the medicated oil and such. Edit: I have a friend who writes in a similar cadence to Leek, and I just don't know how to tell him. It tears me up. DicktheCat fucked around with this message at 06:29 on Jun 30, 2013 |
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Jun 30, 2013 05:36
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 TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER The transformation occurs in the JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 07:01 on Jun 30, 2013 |
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Jun 30, 2013 06:12
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JosephWongKS posted:
I don't know if I can handle it to be honest guys.
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Jun 30, 2013 06:42
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