Where I Read: Miranda Leek's "Twisted"

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attackbunny: May 1, 2009

JosephWongKS posted:

Question: How many books does "Twisted" count for in the Reading Challenge Thread?

JosephWongKS posted:

One of the criteria in the Reading Challenge thread is that it is "for your own betterment". Ask yourself - "Does reading Twisted make me a better person?"

"Sins must be expiated. This may be done on this earth through the sorrows, miseries and trials of this life and, above all, through death."

So, yes. In fact, I think this may give you a free pass to murder someone. For legal reasons, however, I can't suggest who that person be.

ETA: Oh, new page. Here is a drawing of Railrunner eating a giant penis to make you all objectively better people and spare you the torments of perdition.

attackbunny fucked around with this message at 23:02 on Jul 1, 2013

# ? Jul 1, 2013 22:58

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# ? Apr 20, 2024 00:52

Seraphic Neoman: Jul 19, 2011

attackbunny posted:

ETA: Oh, new page. Here is a drawing of Railrunner eating a giant penis to make you all objectively better people and spare you the torments of perdition.

You're too kind. What kind of afterlife reward does one get for seeing a roller coaster give birth and for seeing pictures of Shadowtrack?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 00:33

where the red fern gropes: Aug 24, 2011

SSNeoman posted:

You're too kind. What kind of afterlife reward does one get for seeing a roller coaster give birth and for seeing pictures of Shadowtrack?

72 virgin rollercoasters

# ? Jul 2, 2013 02:00

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 65 - Ruler of the Rails
Part Three

quote:

Bright red blood ran down my chest as I lit him up with a blazing fist. He stumbled backwards, but then lunged forward knocking me to the tracks. He hit me like a human punching another. I felt my body grow weaker as the seconds passed.

�You�re a joke Railrunner! No better than the ones before you!� he laughed.

I snarled and swung my tail, knocking him to the side. I then bit him on his arm. Ironwheel then released more of his fury by punching me on my burn. I stepped backward and clutched my stomach. I looked up to see Ironwheel crashing down onto me with his tail. I quickly rose out of the way and slashed him across the nose. He turned and spat the blood out that had drained into his mouth. I leaned on the guardrail grasping belly and leg, which were both bleeding horribly. Blood flowed heavily from the cut along my neck as well. I was growing weak from both the venom and wounds. I felt that any moment that something was going to give.

Ironwheel suddenly turned around again, emitting a violent snarl. He went for me, but I reached out and shot a bolt of lightning. Ironwheel fell backward, sliding halfway down the lift hill. I continued to lean against the guard rail for support. I was feeling dizzy and lightheaded. In my mind I knew that Ironwheel was winning. The king suddenly ran back up the hill, [comma instead of fullstop] Gathering every ounce of strength I had, I charged. I raised my arm ready to electrocute him. Suddenly a ripping pain ran through my third car. It was so intense that I almost blacked out then and there. I looked down to see one of Ironwheel�s claws sticking into my belly.

If the �belly� is in the third car of a roller-coaster, what�s contained in all the remaining cars? In the human body, there are no more vital organs below the belly other than the intestines and reproductive organs. Surely even roller-coasters don�t have ten-foot long testicles and fallopian tubes, right?

quote:

I looked up in his face, his eyes burning with a deep hatred of me.

�Like I told you, nice guys finish last.� He giggled into my ear. He then punched me in the chest, I fell backward, but I realized that I wasn�t hitting with a hard bang on the track. I was spiraling back down to earth.

I landed with a thud in the tall grass against a rock. I tried to get up, but I couldn�t move. I looked across my underside to see that blood was soaked all over me. My stab wound gushing the red liquid all over on the ground. I felt my eyelids grow heavy as I let out a moan of defeat.

I pressed my wheels against the wound on my belly, applying pressure, but it did not work. I looked up to see Ironwheel destroying targets from miles away.

Ironwheel is far more honourable than Railrunner � unlike the latter, Ironwheel doesn�t kick a fallen ~~man~~ coaster.

quote:

I leaned backward and let myself go limp as the pain got worse. My vision began to blur as I let out another moan for help.

Suddenly my ears picked up a great deal of rustling around. Then Clare bent over me as Thunderbark came to my aid. Merrylegs and Static joined Clare in worry. The new coaster placed her wheels on either side of my face. I was forced to look up at her, but I could not see her entirely.

�Railrunner stay with us!� I heard her say. Clare then pressed her wheels onto the slash below my jaw. Thunderbark in the meanwhile examined my wound.

Ironwheel even permits his enemy�s associates to render medical assistance to him. How is he supposed to be more villainous than Railrunner?

quote:

�How... bad... is... it?� I asked with my voice fizzling out at some moments as my breath shuttered in my chest. Thunderbark didn�t answer; he turned to Merrylegs and looked at her in fear.

�Well?� she asked quietly.

�It looks as if Ironwheel�s claw barely missed vital organs. Still, the wound is very serious.� He muttered to her.

�Will he make it?� asked Clare.

Thunderbark looked at her with a blank expression, and then dipped his head low. His eyes scanned across my body once again. He then looked back at Clare and let out a long sigh.

103rd sigh of the book!!!!

quote:

�The way I see it - Railrunner has a ten percent chance.�

�So!� Clare said angrily. �You�re saying he may not live!�

�I don�t know... even if I welded his metal back together... the wounds are just so deep that... I don�t know.� Thunderbark said as he placed his wheels on the stab wound again. I let out a cry of agony as the tender gash throbbed from his slightest touch.

�PLEASE!� I cried. �Don�t - it hurts!� I yelled as all of my strength started to drain from me completely.

This is the whiniest, cry-babiest bunch of �heroic� �protagonists� I�ve ever come across. Thunderbark cries at the drop of a hat, and Railrunner moans about every little wound he receives despite being a big hulking behemoth. In contrast, Freakshow faced her death with dignity, and Ironwheel never once flinched or showed any fear despite being massively outnumbered. I believe I could find the story almost tolerable if Ironwheel had been the main character instead of Railrunner.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 03:13

crime weed: Nov 9, 2009

Rollercoaster Claire vomits viscous purple healing goo.

Either that or there's a mcguffin that hasn't activated yet?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 03:29

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Kjoery posted:

Either that or there's a mcguffin that hasn't activated yet?

Right on target. Anyone care to hazard a guess as to what it is?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 03:33

Punished Chuck: Dec 27, 2010

JosephWongKS posted:

Right on target. Anyone care to hazard a guess as to what it is?

Hadn't Thunderbark hinted that the Augu Ra or whatever the amulet is called still has an unknown special power, or am I mixing that up with one of the other Mary Sue abilities?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 03:57

DicktheCat: Feb 15, 2011

I find it really, really hard to actually believe this was written by a lady. Is Miranda some sort of unisex name? I want it to be.

This fight makes me think of something I would have written in like 8th grade. Of course, my story wouldn't have loving roller coasters, but it's a moot point.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 04:19

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

DicktheCat posted:

I find it really, really hard to actually believe this was written by a lady. Is Miranda some sort of unisex name? I want it to be.

This is the Author's Profile at the back of the book.

About the Author and the Illustrator posted:

Miranda Leek

Miranda Leek lives in the small town of Rockvale, Tennessee. Her love of art, writing and roller coasters inspired Miranda, at the tender age of seventeen, to write Twisted; in which started as a simple experience and a few ideas, tuned into wonderful fully illustrated book that could be read over and over.

Please visit https://www.mirandasmagic.com to view more of Miranda's work including the works of Twisted in their original form.

Also Be On The Lookout for Book 2 In The Twisted Series:

VERTIGO

# ? Jul 2, 2013 04:35

Antlerhill: Nov 6, 2012; Smellrose

I was reading another book today, and when I came upon the word "sigh" I was reminded of this travesty of a book and had to put it down and take a break. The writing in Twisted is so bad that it ruins the good writing in other books. It has practically murdered an English word for me.

quote:

About the Author and the Illustrator posted:

...could be read over and over.

Prometheus got off with a slap on the wrist.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 04:59

DicktheCat: Feb 15, 2011

No, no, I know the writer is female. I just don't believe it, if you understand. Like my mind can't wrap around a woman who could write female characters so badly.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:02

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

DicktheCat posted:

No, no, I know the writer is female. I just don't believe it, if you understand. Like my mind can't wrap around a woman who could write female characters so badly.

To be fair to her, she writes male characters equally badly too.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:06

Radio!: Mar 15, 2008; Look at that post.

Antlerhill posted:

I was reading another book today, and when I came upon the word "sigh" I was reminded of this travesty of a book and had to put it down and take a break. The writing in Twisted is so bad that it ruins the good writing in other books. It has practically murdered an English word for me.

I found my old copy of Roller Coaster Tycoon a couple days ago but when I tried to play it I just felt unclean.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:06

Bobbin Threadbare: Jan 2, 2009; I'm looking for a flock of urbanmechs.

Antlerhill posted:

I was reading another book today, and when I came upon the word "sigh" I was reminded of this travesty of a book and had to put it down and take a break. The writing in Twisted is so bad that it ruins the good writing in other books. It has practically murdered an English word for me.

I've had to question each and every use of "sigh" I put in my book even though I don't overuse it the way Miranda does.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:14

where the red fern gropes: Aug 24, 2011

Hmm. Possibilities include:

1. The Augu Ra. Is that a misspelling? I don't give a poo poo. It probably has some sort of healing power. However, if it doesn't, we go to
2. The sword. I don't give Miranda enough credit to believe she'll remember that Railrunner has it. If she does remember he has it, then there's a 90% chance he's actually lost it in a previous chapter and she's forgotten this fact. Alternatively,
3. Brand new deus ex machina. Magic laser beam gun sword rollercoaster killer gun shooter bullets.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:45

Radio!: Mar 15, 2008; Look at that post.

Dreggon posted:

3. Brand new deus ex machina. Magic laser beam gun sword rollercoaster killer gun shooter bullets.

~The healing power of rollercoaster love~

# ? Jul 2, 2013 05:46

Seraphic Neoman: Jul 19, 2011

In my draft of the next section of Vicks' fight, I had one of his subordinates set up a trap of anti-coaster claymore mines. They detonate and mortally wound Railrunner. While he is lying there, the Augu Ra lets out a blinding light, healing his minor wounds and cauterizing his major ones.

I deleted it because what followed before and after that part was badly written.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 06:02

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 65 - Ruler of the Rails
Part Four

quote:

Thunderbark looked at me face to face with sad eyes. He came over and sat beside me. My wheels began to singe and vibrate as I felt my blood run cold. I felt my stomach churn and twist into a knot. My body jerked from relentless pain. I started to break out in a sweat. Then Thunderbark took a set of my wheels and held it tightly, a slight tear formed in the corner of his eye.

�Listen Railrunner, you did well. You are the greatest warrior I have ever come to know.�

If Railrunner is the �greatest warrior�, those other warriors whom Thunderbark knew must have been mewling like newborn babies at the slightest paper-cut or nicked ~~fingernail~~ finger-wheel.

quote:

I couldn�t even nod in response the pain was so bad, even worse than transforming pain. I felt everything within me grow dull.

It�s impossible for Railrunner to become any duller, mentally and spiritually, than he is.

quote:

Everything was giving way just as I thought. That was when I knew I was at my demise.

�Stay with me!� Clare screamed as I let my eyelids close. I felt myself falling into the �air lock� once again.

�I love you.� I whispered to her. �I always will.�

Clare began to cry. Suddenly I felt a set of lips touch mine. I realized that they belong to Clare as she pressed harder. She was kissing me for the first time that we were equal enough to do it right. Her kiss felt - magical, putting a tad bit more energy back into my dying body.

Radio got it partially right with his guess of �~The healing power of rollercoaster love~�.

Also: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Also also: �equal enough�. :negative:

quote:

I opened my eyes slightly to see everyone bowing their heads, all except for Static, who was fishing through my bag.

There has to be something in here to help!� he said frustrated.

�Static it�s-.� Thunderbark said trailing off as he stared with wide eyes at the vile [sic] of blue liquid that the bumper car held in his cable. Thunderbark quickly took it from him, his lips drawing into an unexpected smile. I blinked to focus on the vile [sic]; I then recognized it as the one that Moonhoof had given to me.

It seems nobody recalled the plot coupon that Moonhoof dropped in Chapter 20:

�Take this,� she said handing me a vile full of a dark blue liquid. �Use this only as a last resort when you are battling Ironwheel!�

quote:

�I was hoping for a miracle, and I got it.� Thunderbark said pulling the cork out from the lip.

�What is that?� Merrylegs asked him.

�It is a little something called Liquid Revival. I never knew Railrunner had it. This must be the last of it in existence.� Thunderbark announced.

�What does it do?� Static said.

�Well, it heals all wounds no matter how bad, plus it makes him immune to any attack from any coaster,� he smiled.

The most rear end-pull of rear end-pulling deus ex machinas.

quote:

Clare then tilted back my head and opened my mouth as Thunderbark raised the vile [sic] to my lips. My sore throat felt the cool concoction flow downward. Within a few seconds the vile [sic] was completely empty. There was no immediate change at all. Could Thunderbark have been wrong?

Tension...

quote:

Suddenly without warning, a surge of power ran though my body, making my eyes fly open. My metal and innards tingled as they began to heal up. I arose suddenly and made the others scoot out of the way.

Defused!

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 07:30 on Jul 2, 2013

# ? Jul 2, 2013 06:31

Seraphic Neoman: Jul 19, 2011

I like Static. "He's dying...DIBS ON HIS poo poo!" I mean yeah he was trying to help Railrunner, but come on. We all know the truth.
And that Deus ex Machina. Wow.

No you know what, that's not good enough! Miranda what the gently caress, you disappoint me.

quote:

And as the liquid splashed down my throat, I was surging with power. My eyes glowed blue and I release my pent up energy. The wave washed over the the land, instantly killing Ironwheel. It transformed every person into a ride. Then suddenly it hit the ocean. It destroyed all the pollution in the ocean. It hit the sky and instantly fixed the ozone layer! It restored the dodo and gave it flight. It then made the worlds combine together into one, becoming a true paradise for all rides.
I suddenly knew how to solve complex 4-dimensional calculus and how to cure cancer. The potion gave me a laboratory, a castle and a coaster-sized Lamborghini. I got my scientists working on a space ship to colonize other planets which were terraformed to be livable by the power of the potion. I didn't need any spaceships because the potion let me fly freely without ever needing to breath. Also it made Shadowtrack preg-NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Letting us start a new Adam and Eve story on another planet.

YEAH.

loving WHAT MIRANDA?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 06:45

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 65 - Ruler of the Rails
Part Five

quote:

My body pumped with anger and rage. My seats rose up higher like an angry cat�s hair.

�My seats rose up higher like an angry cat�s hair.� :lol:

quote:

I growled and snarled in my chest. I felt stronger than ever, like I could destroy, obliterate, or kill anything.

Railrunner�s favourite activities.

quote:

�Nice to see you back from the brink.� Thunderbark spoke.

�It�s nice to be here,� I growled in response as I returned to Ironwheel.

�Hey bastard!� I yelled to the arrogant coaster who was still at the top of the hill. He turned at looked at me in surprise.

�I thought I put you in your grave where you belonged!� he called back.

�No,� I hissed through barred [sic] teeth as I shook in fury. �IT�S GAME ON!�

My instinct suddenly came into play as I got on all of my wheels and took a deep breath. I then opened my mouth and released a roar unlike any other. It was louder, bigger, but most of all grander. It had a completely different tone than all the others that sounded from me. Thunderbark and the others looked in awe but yet slightly startled. Ironwheel simply looked at me in fear, and I loved every minute of it. My roar seemed to never end; it was so powerful now that it was releasing shockwaves. I finally felt the powerful behemoth fade, and finally it stopped. Then the earth began to quake, I glanced around wondering what I had just done. Every ride, electrical object, every machine vibrated and shook. Then I turned my attention back to my enemy, who was holding onto the guard rail to keep from being knocked off.

Suddenly the track broke apart, but to my surprise as well as anybody else�s, the track was moving. It wrapped a section around Ironwheel, trapping him.

�What in the world -.� I heard Merrylegs say behind me. I turned to see that every ride and every machine was moving, or in other words alive. They rose out of their foundations and began to walk toward us, on wires or supports. Even cars and trucks rolled into the park. My mind began to comprehend on what Thunderbark had said about special talents. Perhaps this was mine.

One last bullshit deus ex machine power just to round off the lot!

quote:

The track creaked and swayed, I could not stand in the same spot for much longer. I jumped onto a moving piece of track and then onto the lift hill. I stood at the peak, the track had Ironwheel pinned to it, the rails wrapping around his shoulders. Still, Ironwheel trashed wildly trying to get away. I looked down to see the chain lift running smoothly, it gave me an idea.

I leaped from the hill again, the track bended the way I wanted it to, almost like I could control it. I knew already that coasters could take over rides, but that was only for simple things like speed and not making
the whole thing do my every will.

In the competition of dumb combat powers, track-bending is the winner by a large margin.

quote:

I arrived at the base of the first hill to the chain lift system. I extracted my claws and cut the chain loose, this way it could use it as a rope. I then threw my body into the air, swinging around like a monkey on a vine, sailing over the top of the hill and then started back down counter clockwise.

Why even make them roller-coasters if they are always fighting like wolves and snakes and cats and monkeys but never like �roller-coasters�?

quote:

The chain caught Ironwheel and completely fixed him to the track, but I wasn�t through with that yet. I rotated around a few more times before using up all the chain and smacking back down at the lifthill�s top.

Ironwheel was wrapped up like a mummy, the chain was so tight that he could not move even an inch. I walked up to him slowly, staring him in the eye, letting him get the full effect of fear. Ironwheel growled, but he made no threat to me. I bent down to stoop to his level.

�You know, when I very first transformed into the creature that I am, I found out that I could smell fear. Ironwheel, you seem to have a great deal of it lingering from you.� I said calmly. �This is kind of like a student being punished by the principal. However it is not principal with the �pal� it should be the one spelled p-r-i-n-c-p-l-e. So, it is where the �student� is being punished by the principle of justice.�

This takes the absolutely cake in awkward and contrived trash-talk. :laffo:

# ? Jul 2, 2013 07:37

where the red fern gropes: Aug 24, 2011

Christ why am I voluntarily reading this

# ? Jul 2, 2013 08:18

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 65 - Ruler of the Rails
Part Six of Six

quote:

Ironwheel could only glare as I rose up again and pointed both of my first sets of wheels at him. It was official; the time had come. I began to think heavily of Clare, a flame aroused in my left set of wheels,

I guess we now know which hand roller-coasters use to ~~spank the monkey~~ slide on the rails.

quote:

in the other I concentrated on rage. A spark of lightning formed in the opposite, where I was bending the two elements at the same time.

Now she�s just outright cribbing from the season finale of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

quote:

Ironwheel�s expression faded into pure terror, something that the evil king probably never witnessed. I swung my arms back, making the flames and electricity grow, then like a boomerang brought them back. Two streams of lightning and fire hit him straight in the chest. Ironwheel screamed in pain and suffering. His black metal started to melt away, exposing his ribs and other organs. The two beams crossed creating a deadly combination, rotting Ironwheel from inside out. Soon all of my enemy�s metal melted from his body and his flesh was fully cooked. Ironwheel was nothing but a pile of burnt bones that turned to ash as soon as I stopped. I had done it.

I looked at the pile of ashes with a smirk across my face; I tilted my head back and roared in triumph.

Even in victory, Railrunner is an ungracious rear end in a top hat.

quote:

Then I leaped down from the lift hill, landing in front of my allies. Clare came up and hugged me.

�Railrunner you did it!� She exclaimed.

�Well done, ruler of the rails.� Thunderbark said as he placed a set of wheels onto my shoulder. All I could do was emit a crooked smile.

A fitting smile to match his crooked soul and crooked mind.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 08:20

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

DicktheCat posted:

Of course, my story wouldn't have loving roller coasters, but it's a moot point.

Twisted doesn't have loving roller coasters either. Every sentient non-red coaster is generated by reincarnation or vampirism, and reds are immaculately conceived in the Temple of the Reds. Amusement Park Between is a thoroughly sexless, joyless place.

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 08:59 on Jul 2, 2013

# ? Jul 2, 2013 08:55

Focacciasaurus_Rex: Dec 13, 2010

Dammit. I was going to guess the potion for our daily macguffin, figuring it was a healing liquid, but somehow Miranda couldn't even do THAT right and it was like a hundred times stupider than I was expecting. Goddamnit, Miranda! :argh:

There is nothing heroic about Railrunner. Even ignoring his decidedly unheroic actions, he's entirely carried by his super secret magical powers and treasures. If he wasn't stacked to the seats with unearned artifacts he'd probably have died on page three. We can't have character development, he's already perfect so what's the point.

This book is a confluence of so many bad factors. A few of them would render the book simply terrible, but you can't even go a line without tripping over something awful. The fact that it's constant is what makes this book so :magical:

# ? Jul 2, 2013 09:01

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 66 - Home Again
Part One

quote:

�Is Amusement Park Between now free?� I asked Thunderbark.

Freed from the tough but competent rule of Tyrion Lanniswheel, and going right into the hands of Mad King Aerys Targarunner.

quote:

He laughed. �Of coarse [sic] it is! You killed Ironwheel, fulfilled the prophecy! Railrunner I knew you had it in you all along. You�ve accomplished so much! Like for one defeating an evil tyrant who enslaved us all, discovering the fourth thing on how to become a coaster in daylight, and finding your special talent.� Thunderbark finished looking at all the living machines around us.

�You�re right Thunderbark, why did I even ask! Now, I wonder how I�m supposed to return these guys to their homes.�

Tension�

quote:

I said pointing at the machines. On that note they all turned around and headed back to wherever it was that they came from. The track groaned and resituated into its normal unliving self as well as other rides.

I laughed, �I guess that�s how!�

Defused!

quote:

�That reminds me Railrunner, before we go home; Clare has to have a proper name.� Thunderbark suddenly spoke.

�A name?� Clare asked confused. �I already have a name.�

�Ah, but it is a human name. For now on you use that name when you are indeed human. Anybody here have any suggestions?� Thunderbark said turning to us.

�Now that you are an appendage of Railrunner, all traces of your independent existence and unique personal history must be erased.�

quote:

We all sort of sat there looking from one another and back at Clare. I then thought of something.

�How about �track� being at the end part of her name like my mothers?�

�That sounds good,� Clare said.

�That�s the stupidest thing I�ve ever heard!� screamed Clare from inside the cold, unfeeling shell in which she was trapped.

quote:

�What about Venomtrack?� Merrylegs suggested.

�Naw.� Clare said shaking her head from side to side.

�Flowertrack?� Thunderbark joked

�No!� Clare laughed.

�Magictrack?� I asked her.

�Sounds cheesy.� Clare replied.

For a while we kept guessing names, Clare denied every one of them.

She would either say that they were to [sic] dumb or that they did not fit her at all.

Another thing was that everyone was making educated guesses except for Static who was hung up in thought. Suddenly Static cleared his throat to get our attention.

�I think I might have one.� He said scratching his head with his cable.

�What is it, Static?� Merrylegs asked him.

�How about Shadowtrack?�

Clare was silent. She simply stared at Static with one eyebrow raised. I looked from her to him trying to decide who would speak first.

�I like it,� Clare said with a smile. �Thank you Static.�

�You�re welcome,� he replied happily.

�So, Shadowtrack it is then,� I grinned at her.

�You bet.

Note that Clare never actually got to propose a name. They just kept her trapped there and ground down her resistance until she eventually said yes to something just to get them to stop the torment.

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 09:53 on Jul 2, 2013

# ? Jul 2, 2013 09:48

JosephWongKS: Apr 4, 2009; by Nyc_Tattoo

Chapter 66 - Home Again
Part Two of Two

quote:

�I guess it is now full speed ahead to Amusement Park Between then?� Merrylegs asked.

�Yup,� Thunderbark said as he walked toward the water park that housed the portal. I picked up the bag and slung it over my shoulder as I walked along side of Shadowtrack. I then remembered Captain Vick. I opened the bag and pressed one on the cell phone. It rang for a minute and then finally the Captain answered.

�Hello?�

�It�s Railrunner, let me say that you don�t have to worry about us anymore. Ironwheel has been taken down.�

I heard him cheer with excitement on the other end of the line. He was so loud that he made Shadowtrack giggle.

�Thank you! Sorry for all the trouble, Railrunner. To let you know, I have cleared all your charges and the army�s presence will be reported as a training exercise. So the secret is safe.�

Captain Vick�s tractability and willingness to treat Railrunner as an ally, after all the cop-killing, assorted other murders and property destruction the latter has committed, is far and away the most nonsensical part of this book, and that�s really saying a lot.

quote:

�Thanks and, you won�t be hearing from us no more, by the way, sorry for destroying your car on my way out of here.�

�WWWWHHHAAATTT -.� I didn�t hear the rest after I clicked the phone shut. I tossed the cell phone over my shoulder and into one of the wading pools. Shadowtrack looked at me and laughed.

�You destroyed Vicks car!�

�No, I was just messing with him,� I replied with a smirk.

This isn�t endearing, Miranda Leek. You can�t try to portray Railrunner as some irrepressible but ultimately harmless prankster after he�s spent the entire book engaging in indiscriminate butchery.

quote:

She continued to giggle and then leaned on me as we walked behind the others, our hot metal touching.

�So, what is Amusement Park Between like again?�

�Why are you asking me that when you will be there in a minute or two!�

�A woman�s place is to silently obey, not to ask questions!�

quote:

�I can�t wait!� Shadowtrack laughed.

�Looks like you don�t have to.� I said as we stood with Thunderbark at the edge of the spa, or in other words the portal to home.

�Shall we?� Thunderbark said as he jumped and disappeared into the glowing pool. Merrylegs immediately followed after him as well as Static.

Then it was our turn.

�You might want to hold your breath. Just keep close to me and you will be fine.� I said taking a set of her wheels. Shadowtrack and I then motioned for the edge of the portal, both of us took our breath and then made the plunge.

Water swarmed around the two of us, surrounding our bodies in a relaxing sensation. I opened my eyes to see Shadowtrack looking back at me with her eyes full of wonder and anticipation. I looked up to see that the water grew lighter above us. I motioned for her to follow me as we made our way to the surface. Shadowtrack struggled at first, but then she found they [sic] key to swimming. She soon arrived next to me, matching my speed. In the next second, we surfaced into the bright light.

I got to my wheels and helped Shadowtrack out of the water. She had her eyes closed as we walked to where Thunderbark and the others stood waiting for us. All of them seemed to have a smile on their face.

�You can open them now,� I told her, chuckling slightly.

�Don�t even think about opening them without my express prior permission.�

quote:

Shadowtrack slowly did as she was told, and her jaw dropped when she saw the vast forest and mountains. The Acterbahnn that cut through the land and the tall buildings of the distant cities.

Tall buildings made of stone and without electricity or running water.

quote:

�You live here!�

�Yep,� I replied taking in a breath of the freshest air. Merrylegs and Static scampered down the grassy hill in the direction of the temple. Merrylegs turned and motioned for Shadowtrack to follow her. Reluctantly she did, the purple coaster looked at me when she was halfway between either of us before she ran along with them.

�You must also get my permission before going off any place without me.�

quote:

Now it was only Thunderbark and I who stood at the hill overlooking Amusement Park Between.

�It is good to be back.� Thunderbark sighed.

104th sigh of the book!!!!!

quote:

�It truly is,� I said turning to him.

�I guess now we should spread the word that there is a new king,� he said with a smirk. I knew right away whom he was referring to.

�I�m no king,� I replied.

�I don�t think you can deny that. I didn�t mention the last part of the prophecy.�

�What do you mean?�

�Well, after the red defeats the black, the red takes his place as king.� He said with a sly grin.

I looked at him for a good long while; maybe it wouldn�t be so bad.

�Fine, I�ll take the oath as king if you say so, Thunderbark.�

�That�s cool with me sire,� he said in return.

�I�m just Railrunner and nothing else,� I smiled at him.

�If you say so, Railrunner. Meet you at the temple.� He said as he disappeared down the hill.

I took one good long look at Amusement Park Between. I started to think quietly to myself, we were finally home in heaven, in my little kingdom. Where the impossible becomes possible and the explainable becomes unexplainable, but most of all, where the twisted rule.

THE END

JosephWongKS fucked around with this message at 10:21 on Jul 2, 2013

# ? Jul 2, 2013 10:04

Madoushi: May 9, 2003; Some days, you just get up on the wrong side of the bed...

quote:

�You know, when I very first transformed into the creature that I am, I found out that I could smell fear. Ironwheel, you seem to have a great deal of it lingering from you.� I said calmly. �This is kind of like a student being punished by the principal. However it is not principal with the �pal� it should be the one spelled p-r-i-n-c-p-l-e. So, it is where the �student� is being punished by the principle of justice.�

In the middle of all the horror, this stands out to me as possibly the worst combination of words any human has ever put together. :psyboom:

# ? Jul 2, 2013 10:19

Fatal Error: Feb 13, 2013; by sebmojo

YES! We have finally reached the end of this retarded mockery of a book! I don't think I've ever read something as bad as this.

quote:

�I was hoping for a miracle, and I got it.� Thunderbark said pulling the cork out from the lip.

�What is that?� Merrylegs asked him.

�It is a little something called Liquid Revival. I never knew Railrunner had it. This must be the last of it in existence.� Thunderbark announced.

�What does it do?� Static said.

�Well, it heals all wounds no matter how bad, plus it makes him immune to any attack from any coaster,� he smiled.

This quote is the essence of Miranda's writing. Railrunner can never lose, he mustn't be inconvenienced in any way, and all tension must be diffused immediately. I hope you are going to do Vertigo too, JWKS :unsmigghh:

# ? Jul 2, 2013 10:30

Iced Cocoa: Jul 14, 2011

Fatal Error posted:

I hope you are going to do Vertigo too, JWKS

If JWKS isn't planning to, I might. I'm also planning on getting the republished edition of Twisted to see if Railrunner will still be a murderous bastard. I know at least that the Great Police Massacre of Mystic Park will still be in the republished edition.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 11:44

pathetic little tramp: Dec 12, 2005; by Hillary Clinton's assassins; Fallen Rib

�I can�t wait!� Shadowtrack laughed.

�Looks like you don�t have to.� I said as we stood with Thunderbark at the edge of the spa, or in other words the portal to home.

Suddenly there was the sound of footsteps at the end of the midway. Steven Seagal had appeared and looked intently at the living amusement park rides before him.

"I'll handle this," Static said, moving towards Seagal. "Hey buddy who do you think you are?"

"I'm just a passerby, I was going to have some fun in this little theme park, but I don't have any cash. Do you take... credit?!" and on that word, Seagal whipped out a credit card that he had cut into a ninja star. He threw it at the dodgem car, slicing him in half.

"Oh Jesus!" Merrylegs shouted. Railrunner, Thunderbark, and Shadowtrack gasped in horror.

"You bastard!" Railrunner yelled. "I'll loving murder you like every other human I carelessly slaughter!"

Seagal pulled out a shotgun and aimed it at Railrunner's head. "That potion you took, it made you immune to damage from rollercoasters, but guess what? That's all you're immune to now." With a blast of the gun, Railrunner's skull was cleft in two. The red coaster howled in pain.

"Oh poo poo! Oh poo poo! Oh poo poo!" Railrunner felt up to the gaping hole in his cranium for a moment, but soon shock took over. He fell to the ground, twitching as Seagal moved over and emptied the remaining shells into Railrunner's corpse.

"And this one's for Captain Black!" Blam! "And this one's for all the cops you melted!" Blam! "And this one's for my loving cat who was just hanging out in his favourite alley behind the bar you piece of poo poo!" Blam!

Thunderbark and Shadowtrack moved to help Railrunner, but it was too late. "Steven, you can stop, he's already dead." The voice had come from the portal. It was Moonhoof. Thunderbark looked up and what colour was in his skin drained away.

Seagal broke the silence. "Thanks for the help with the potion, you know how I love those ancient Chinese secrets. Hey Thunderbark, you should really check her stuff out. She's got something that will do wonders for that bruise."

"What bru..?"

Seagal delivered a blow to Thunderbark that knocked him out. Shadowtrack shrieked and cradled his head.

"Well Steven," Moonhoof started, "I think it's time we go back through the portal where you can rule as king of Amusement Park Between. Maybe now the endless rollercoaster wars will finally stop and we can get running water and electricity installed."

pathetic little tramp fucked around with this message at 14:26 on Jul 2, 2013

# ? Jul 2, 2013 13:23

Seraphic Neoman: Jul 19, 2011

quote:

�You know, when I very first transformed into the creature that I am, I found out that I could smell fear. Ironwheel, you seem to have a great deal of it lingering from you.� I said calmly. �This is kind of like a student being punished by the principal. However it is not principal with the �pal� it should be the one spelled p-r-i-n-c-p-l-e. So, it is where the �student� is being punished by the principle of justice.�

...I hate her.

I actually hate Miranda right now. Like I don't know who she is, I don't know what kind of person she is, I don't know what she did with her life and I don't know what happened to her but I hate her. I hate this...thing. It's not a loving verbal beatdown it's a Horatio Caine quote without The Who chiming in. And you can tell she was proud of this. This was the climax! This was where everything that happened in this book so far starts to get resolved. And this is what she came up with.
I know Michael Bulgakov wrote that manuscripts never burn, but some of them really, really loving should.

Still no sigh from Ironwheel, how about that?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 14:35

Radio!: Mar 15, 2008; Look at that post.

I hate this book and I hate Railrunner and I hate Thunderbark and I hate everything they stand for.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 14:47

FairyNuff: Jan 22, 2012

Amazing, truly amazing.

I can only hope for a film adaptation (by SyFy).

# ? Jul 2, 2013 14:56

Focacciasaurus_Rex: Dec 13, 2010

WHAT justice?

I
that
it's
:psypop:

# ? Jul 2, 2013 17:30

attackbunny: May 1, 2009

It's over? It's over!

We should plant a TBB flag in this book's corpse and then light it on fire.

quote:

�You know, when I very first transformed into the creature that I am, I found out that I could smell fear. Ironwheel, you seem to have a great deal of it lingering from you.� I said calmly. �This is kind of like a student being punished by the principal. However it is not principal with the �pal� it should be the one spelled p-r-i-n-c-p-l-e. So, it is where the �student� is being punished by the principle of justice.�

Please tell me that's [sic].

That deus ex machina. Jesus. That's something you'd expect to hear in a parody. Maybe someone suggested to Miranda sarcastically that she just give Railrunner a potion to make him immune to other rollercoasters. We know she doesn't know what sarcasm is.

Chapter One" posted:

�This is very dumb and confusing.� I replied sarcastically in defiance.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 17:57

Focacciasaurus_Rex: Dec 13, 2010

So, JWKS, are you going to read the sequels if or when they come out? I think you should, it's just the prink-pleh of the thing since you exposed the world to the first one.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 18:50

Thin Privilege: Jul 8, 2009; IM A STUPID MORON WITH AN UGLY FACE AND A BIG BUTT AND MY BUTT SMELLS AND I LIKE TO KISS MY OWN BUTT; Gravy Boat 2k

I'm kind of sad that it is over. The trainwreck kept me more entertained than a 200 hour marathon of Maury.

I think the highlight for me was the picture of the roller coaster giving birth and the fact that "the vagina only appears upon birth." I think that this should be linked in all the GBS threads where people argue that it's okay to raise kids in an environment where sex and genitals are evil and bad, and women must submit to the man because ~religion~. You see what kind of thing that environment produces? YOU SEE!?

# ? Jul 2, 2013 19:08

Iced Cocoa: Jul 14, 2011

JoeyJoJoJr Shabadoo posted:

I'm kind of sad that it is over. The trainwreck kept me more entertained than a 200 hour marathon of Maury.

I think the highlight for me was the picture of the roller coaster giving birth and the fact that "the vagina only appears upon birth." I think that this should be linked in all the GBS threads where people argue that it's okay to raise kids in an environment where sex and genitals are evil and bad, and women must submit to the man because ~religion~. You see what kind of thing that environment produces? YOU SEE!?

You forgot another fact. The water breaks, and sometimes after that the vagina forms. Sex Ed must not exist in Tennessee.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 19:41

Mercedes: Mar 7, 2006; "So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.

pathetic little tramp posted:

Steven Seagal Masterpiece.

This had my laughing after I was miserable because of this stupid book. Good on you goon.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 20:18

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# ? Apr 20, 2024 00:52

VivaLa Eeveelution: Apr 3, 2011

Iced Cocoa posted:

You forgot another fact. The water breaks, and sometimes after that the vagina forms. Sex Ed must not exist in Tennessee.

That's not even Sex Ed; that's the science of cause and effect.

"My Coke is stuck in the bottle!"
"...take the cap off, Miranda."
"But I haven't drunk it yet."

Also notice how pregnancy is highly venerated, strictly regulated, and super duper painful and dangerous. Looks like a teenage concept to me.

This is even more psychologically transparent than sparkle-pires = Mormons.

# ? Jul 2, 2013 20:32

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Where I Read: Miranda Leek's "Twisted"

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