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Week Fifty-One Submissions closed. Sebmojo and higgz have failed to rise to the challenge. I was pretty impressed with a lot of the stories this week. Good job, everyone.
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Jul 29, 2013 05:09
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ThunderCrits - Week LI Anathema may have been wowed by your pathetic attempts to smear words on the screen, but some of us (sup) were not so enamored. Nubile Hillock - The Grapes of Math Cute title, bro. So originally I thought this was another bro-piece with cyberspace. Then it became about loser teenager libertarians. Okay. Unfortunately you've got an unsubtly mocking tone that suffuses the piece. It makes all of your characters grossly unsympathetic and two-dimensional. Jason is just a bully and Quincy is a goon. Great. Some depth? I would've liked to see the Bitcoin background be something other than pointing and snickering. You're too-obviously making fun of it; it's mean instead of amusing. You fit the prompt fine; there pretty much wasn't any twisting going on, but the progression from "I want my bro's gf" to "murder" was pretty abrupt. That might be a function of word count, but it's still an issue. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Mostly Live on Page: 3. And then 6. And then 12, its position doubling each time someone mines a bitcoin. -- Besesoth - Voyagers So, right off, I find all the dialogue hard to follow. You're throwing in a lot of action-transmitted-via-sound and your attributions are sometimes a bit weird. You need to work on clarity there; cutting some unneeded attributions would help ("Can it go back?" I asked, feeling my etc. etc. - cut "I asked" and show that it's the narrator via action.) You've also got a lot of characters flying around in the first half. Thomas, Rene, Janet, Kristine, plus the doubles. Do you need all of them? This seems like you could've just narrowed it down to the interlocutor and the narrator, which also makes the ending more personal, as there's the tension between the interlocutor's desire to see the dinosaurs and the narrator's desire for the interlocutor to not become Allosaurus Chow. For the prompt, I'm torn. I pretty much saw the ending coming a mile away. It's the obvious place for it to go. At the same time, since you don't imply _what_ the ending is earlier, it ends up being a sort-of surprise. It's just an unsurprising twist. Not bad, but it needs work on clarity and pacing. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Mostly Live on Page: 7. You have to do some digging to find it, but it's not a bad read once you get there. -- Nikaer Drekin - Garry Malloy Stands His Ground Your prose reads fine to me; the whole thing scans well. It could always be tighter, but you're better than most in this round. The main problem is one you share with Hillock. Garry is a total caricature. Maybe that's a cute meta-joke since you're doing the political cartoons thread, but it's too hipstermeta for me. The obviously and overtly mocking tone strips away any humor there might have been and makes your protagonist eye-rollingly unsympathetic. That said, I like the end. There's no twist, everything goes straight-through as you'd expect in "real life." It works well and makes for good commentary on overreactions and hyperactive imaginations. Not sure if it's a winner, but it's in my upper tier. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Mostly Live on Page: 2, but half the posts get people probated. -- M. Propagandalf - Small Game So, you've got a good tone for a childhood lesson story. It comes off like an anecdote. The main problem is that your prose is clunky. M. Propagandalf posted:With his pith hat tilted against the sun, he looked at the cat ahead of him, lazily sprawled out and unaware of him. --of him, --of him. Eliminate repetitions like this. The latter "him" is also somewhat ambiguous - is the boy sprawled out and unaware of the cat, or vice versa? You do a lot of "he looked at", "he listened to", "he thought about". These clauses are passive clutter and can often be eliminated. "He looked at the cat (etc.)" vs. "The cat sprawled out ahead of him, lazy and oblivious." Try to show us things through the character's senses rather than reporting what the character senses; it brings us closer to the character. M. Propagandalf posted:"Gotcha!" Alex shouted triumphantly. loving ouch. 'Shouted' is irrelevant here since you're already using an exclamation point, and we can tell that it's triumphant from context. You could just chop this entire attribution as there's no other speaking characters until Dad shows up 400 words later. Work on cleaning up your mechanics. You hit the prompt perfectly and the story's structure and pacing sound much like a personal anecdote. Well done. A leaner, cleaner version of this could very well have been a contender, in my book. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live on Page: None. It got sent to e/n, but it's in the top ten there. -- Whalley - Ramonacoaster Harsh. Your word choices are alien. Mona feels robotic the entire time and, for most of the story, you're sitting there swatting me in the face with backstory and exposition. Why is Mona afraid of roller coasters? Why do they fascinate her? At no point do I get the sense that there's something working beneath the surface here, that there's some emotional subtext I'm missing. No, some girl loves coasters, her nephews drag her on one, and she dies. You also do the same thing Besesoth did - the so-obvious-it's-not-a-twist twist ending. Only this time it's abrupt and accidental. Between the clunky prose and clunky plot, this one's in my helldump for this round. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live on Page: 15. Wait, 20. Wait, 25. Oops, it's in the archives.  -- crabrock - Two Enourmous Fat Men gently caress Me Well, the title got my attention. Though more in a "hmm, maybe I can put off reading this one until I've critiqued everything else. And vacuumed my flat. And done my taxes. And attended a ten-year meditation retreat in Tibet" sense rather than a "1992's Vanessa Williams crooning 'Save The Best For Last' in my ear while she lies naked on a white bearskin with a bottle of Grand Cru and two glasses in her hands" sense. Sorry, where was I? Right. Story. Ahem. It's much less awful than I was expecting from the title. Indeed, it's quite strong. Strong voice, strong images, strong concept. The two narrative threads tie together nicely at the end, although perhaps some of the backstory thread could refocus more on the "I'm useless" angle - it starts to veer into the general horror of the narrator's situation, e.g. the church bit. The prose could use a bit of work here and there. You've got some minor mistakes and word omissions: crabrock posted:In high school the boys used to drive by in their and throw soda cans at my head. Comma after "high school", and you need a word after "their". Presumably "cars". There's a couple minor things like this sprinkled throughout, but the rest of your voice is strong enough to donkey-punch them into submission. There's a few moments of opacity - "It feels like I thought it would." It took a sec for this to register as sex. It seems needlessly unclear; I can look up now and see that you've been swapping time periods with each para, but the previous transitions were well-marked and clear. This one could kinda refer to sitting in church being embarrassed. Anyway, this one's strong enough to get my nod for the week. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live on Page: It'd jump between 1 and 2, and then some rear end in a top hat would commission a studio in Brazil to make stump.avi and the thread would be nuked from orbit. But at least it lives on. In our hearts, minds, and a grainy 9mm homegrown reel. -- Umbilical Lotus - Know Better So this is quite okay. It's a competent vignette. The main problem is that your prose is awkward and harsh in places, peppered with cliches and the occasional grammar error. Umbilical Lotus posted:"Are we going outside?" she asked, just as I wheeled her onto the stony path and answered her question for her. Mrs. Mulgrough was almost blind, but sharp as a sharkbite at 96 and very aware of changes in her surroundings. You're bashing me in the face here with exposition. If these are important plot elements, show 'em to me somehow. Maybe have her sniff the air, or a breeze ruffles her hair or something to convey the fact that she senses the world keenly, even without sight. "Sharp as a snakebite" is a terrible cliche, get rid of it. You show us some things and then never make the implications clear: What's important about the odd vase? What about the "zig-zag tatters"? Hell, what are "zig-zag tatters"? Is that a euphemism for pot leaves? And who is Allison Berry and why does she matter? I'm also not sold on the narrator calling the police. I think you need to establish the narrator as strict and intolerant earlier on - to achieve the dissonance between the narrator's thoughts and actions, you'd want to show us some strict act early on, then have the narrator interpret it as caring and correct. I recommended this for an honorable mention, but it's a borderline case with the prose. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live On Page: 42. But it would never die. -- Jagermonster - The Finish Line So you edited 15 minutes after posting - presumably after a reread - and still didn't catch omitted words and grammar mistakes.  Your overall arc is decent, and I'm rooting for Scott even through the accident. That's good. That said, this really doesn't go anywhere. If this is going to be about Scott's emotions, we need a setup before the fall, then the rage, then the recovery/enlightenment/final defeat. He needs to learn something about his competitiveness; either that it's a good thing and gets him through the accident, or that it's a bad thing and causes the accident. Your phrasing needs work. You've got a lot of clunky sentence constructions. Look at this: Jagermonster posted:He didn’t feel the least bit fatigued. Energy coursed through him, from his chest down his torso, bursting through his legs, powering his bike. You're repeating yourself - reduced, this is "Scott was not tired. Scott was energetic." You can pull off repetition if there's a reason for it, or if you're a great poet, but the above is just clunky over-description. Try cutting a bunch of the adjectives and cute phrasing: Jagermonster posted:Scott squinted into the thickening surge of air. Thickening surge, really? And why are you describing adrenaline as "magic mysterious natural jet fuel"? There's a bunch of stuff in here that reads like you wrote something that you thought was clever but doesn't serve the story. Cut harder. Most importantly, you edited your story after you submitted - that's an instant DQ. Sorry dude. Don't do that. If This Story were a GBS Thread, It Would Live On Page: 3. But no matter how hard it tries, it stays there, jealously eyeing the Couch To 5K thread in YLLS. -- Auraboks - It's persecution, that's what it is I'm split on this one. On the one hand, it's a half-decent vignette. On the other hand, the story doesn't seem to know what it's trying to say. Are we talking about the crazy lady and her weird mermaid fetish? Focus on that. Are we talking about how heat makes people see/do crazy things? Focus on that. Are we talking about a man desperate to keep his job who gets confronted with a weird situation? Focus on that. You make a big fuss about the heat, but it doesn't seem to impact the story at all. Same thing with the uniform. Phil comes across quite bland. We don't get much characterization out of him aside from "I am hot, sweaty and needed a job." He doesn't come across as flawed, he's just a strong, authoritative guy in a uniform ordering people out of the pool. That doesn't make for a sympathetic protagonist. If you're telling this from the point of the view of the antagonist, then I still need stronger characterization to figure out why he's a douche. Why is it the best day at his job? Does he just enjoy ruining people's fun? Also, kill your darlings: Auraboks posted:The uniform was really just the lovely icing on the surprise cake of employment. Cute, but distracting. You've go the prompt working in your favor, sure, but this just isn't strong enough to warrant honors. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live on Page: None. It gets shuttled between Pet Island, D&D and BFC before eventually getting shunted to FYAD, mostly because the mods can't make up their goddamn minds where it fits. -- Kaishai - Sounds and Silences This starts off slow. That's pretty much the harshest thing I can say. The construction bit is obviously inspired by the thread, and I'm guessing the water woman is supposed to be drawn from Germanic nixie mythology. Pity that the actual Norwegian version are the näck and are male water spirits known for their singing - that would've tied the original thread in even better. There's some cliches that I want you to improve. "The engine's growl filled the world" makes me gag.. The writing until the fish-girl is introduced is turgid and thick; there's not much going on to hold my attention; you'd need some fine poetry to make this work. Kaishai posted:"...Yes," David eventually remembered to agree. Come on, you know you should be using a period with that attribution.  And the ellipsis does the job of 'eventually' - you could cut the attribution altogether.Kaishai posted:Pale fingers curled around his. Lips met his and breathed air into his lungs. His, his, his. Vary up your phrasing a bit. Punch this up. One thing bothered me the whole way through, and it's summed up here: Kaishai posted:Staying inside as it sank was the easiest thing he'd ever done. Why? Is he actually suicidally in love? I get that there's a deep mad love here, but to the point of suicide? I'm not quite sold on it. He doesn't seem desperate or head-over-heels enough, as established in dialogue and words, for this to make sense. Hell, he falls for the water-girl really swiftly. It could use some more development at the expense of the house-hammering bits. Strong as usual, but not the strongest thing I've seen from you. Worth an honorable mention, but others will probably take the win. If This Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live On Page: 1 for a week, then it sinks slowly into oblivion. -- Capntastic - The New Stuff The nicest thing I can say about this is that you obviously proofread it and ran it through spellcheck. Unlike most other entries, there's no omitted words, serious grammar errors or typos. Unfortunately, we're not a spelling bee, so that won't win you many points. You entire story is two guys chatting on the internet about anime. I didn't actually realize it was anime until halfway through, since I've only been visiting the links after reading the stories. At first I thought "show" referred to a musical act or something. Clarity is key. If I'm going to get invested at all, I need to know what they're arguing about and why it's important. The story definitely fails the second test - what's at stake here? A lovely night of bad weed and torrented TV? C'mon. Two guys arguing is not tension. Hell, why are they IMing each other? What purpose does that device serve? Diving deeper, your prose is clunky as hell. Capntastic posted:He'd sent the link to his friend whose name appeared as "CriminalInTense" on the screen. What the gently caress is that poo poo? "his friend whose name appeared as"? Half the time you're telling me stuff straight-off: Capntastic posted:Dan was content that he'd done his due diligence in showing this new treasure to his friend. Was he now? That's just swell. You have 500 more words to show me something happening instead of telling me about a character's decisions and emotions. Yeah, it's a cliche. Capntastic posted:"Fuuuuck that guy." Criminal had typed. There is seriously no reason for this to be in the past-perfect tense. You could've gone for simple past. Instead I'm getting timing whiplash. He typed that in the past? I mean, sure, but you could just go with standard dialogue attribution. We know he's typing, there's no reason to be pedantic about ping time lag and "had typed" and so on. Well, at least picking a loser is easy this week. If This Story Were a GBS Thread, It Would Live on Page: None. Straight to the gas chamber, bypassing even ADTRW.
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Jul 29, 2013 22:27
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Erogenous Beef posted:
That can't be right. I see people do that all the time.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:02
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Jagermonster posted:That can't be right. I see people do that all the time. Just checked the OPs. There's nothing written in stone there, but I think there's a general understanding that once you hit submit, you should be pencils-down done. So it's up to the head judge of the week, I suppose. I also noticed that Whalley edited after submitting as well. Forgot to note that. Use the goddamn Preview button, people.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:20
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I didn't know that either, and I've done it a few times. Won't do it any more! Although sometimes there are formatting issues or misquotes or bbcode that needs correcting or else the entire post looks like butt (preview reply is for the birds).
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Jul 29, 2013 23:32
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I think if you edit within a minute or so it doesn't show up. 14 minutes, like Jagermonster, is sort of pushing it.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:36
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Erogenous Beef posted:
I won't argue with the rest of the crit, but I have to ask: did I misunderstand? Anathema Device posted:Don't include a twist. So I didn't include a twist. What am I doing wrong here? "the obvious place for it to go" was, I thought, actually what the prompt said to do.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:48
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crabrock posted:I didn't know that either, and I've done it a few times. Won't do it any more! Although sometimes there are formatting issues or misquotes or bbcode that needs correcting or else the entire post looks like butt (preview reply is for the birds). Yeah, I've done it before too. Its almost always a missing return between paragraphs that I find on a quick scan. And I usually don't always get them all even with an extra edit. Real annoying. p.s. thanks for the crit e. beef, I always enjoy your grading systems
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Jul 29, 2013 23:50
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Besesoth posted:I won't argue with the rest of the crit, but I have to ask: did I misunderstand? No, I was going off the same prompt. Both yours and Whalley's do the same thing, where there's an abrupt reversal of fortune that marks the end of the story. It's the abrupt reversal that we, as readers, expect but that the characters aren't anticipating. It's not an unexpected twist, so it fits the prompt. But it comes off like a bad horror movie "twist" or cliche. I groaned a little when I realized where it was going. It wasn't a huge detriment, but it certainly didn't improve things.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:56
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Sebmojo is scum for sticking me with such a dire thread to draw from and scampering away from this week.
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Jul 29, 2013 23:56
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Erogenous Beef posted:No, I was going off the same prompt. Both yours and Whalley's do the same thing, where there's an abrupt reversal of fortune that marks the end of the story. It's the abrupt reversal that we, as readers, expect but that the characters aren't anticipating. I guess we disagree about what constitutes an abrupt reversal of fortune; the reader is supposed to know what's coming, and the protagonist has at least suspected for seventeen years and is just getting confirmation of something she already believed - that's why she went on the dig in the first place. Regardless, I'm not going to change your mind and don't think I ought to; I just wanted to know what I'd done wrong there.
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Jul 30, 2013 00:04
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Capntastic posted:Sebmojo is scum
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Jul 30, 2013 00:04
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Eeuch. I didn't have any time to edit this week and wow, that criticism of my entry is pulling a lot of punches. I hope I can do a lot better next week; I should actually be able to find more than two hours of free time in which to write and edit. And plan. And sleep. I'm in awe of how some of y'all managed to create such great pieces from this prompt this time around.
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Jul 30, 2013 00:37
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Thanks for the crits, E. Beef! While I definitely get where you're coming from, the piece was somewhat based around a real Facebook spat a cartoonist had. Don't feel you have to take this into account when judging; the piece should definitely stand on its own and perhaps I did poke fun at it too overtly: If this is any indicator, the dude's a walking caricature anyway, but perhaps he'd have made a better villain than protagonist!
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Jul 30, 2013 00:47
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Gary McCoy loving loves/hates gas station pickles
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Jul 30, 2013 00:53
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so like who won
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Jul 30, 2013 03:07
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Martello posted:so like update the op
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Jul 30, 2013 03:12
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ok mom pls shutup
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Jul 30, 2013 04:12
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i'll do it if you paypal me 37 cents
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Jul 30, 2013 04:26
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I thought there was stuff going on but it's just nerds yammering. also e.beef is jerk n stuff autism ZX spectrum fucked around with this message at 05:19 on Jul 30, 2013 |
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Jul 30, 2013 05:14
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Capntastic posted:Sebmojo is scum for sticking me with such a dire thread to draw from and scampering away from this week. It is true.  OTOH you could have written a better story. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 05:26 on Jul 30, 2013 |
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Jul 30, 2013 05:19
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Martello posted:so like Anathema Device, last I heard, had no electricity and Sitting Here has been disappeared into the hospitality-industrial complex. There's still some debate over the winner, but we should have a verdict later today.
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Jul 30, 2013 10:06
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Erogenous Beef posted:Anathema Device, last I heard, had no electricity and Sitting Here has been disappeared into the hospitality-industrial complex. There's still some debate over the winner, but we should have a verdict later today. Sorry, I just now got power back. There were a few awesome stories, a few awful stories, and some stories which followed the prompt really well. Winner: Umbilical Lotus. This was a really awesome piece of writing and was in all of our top three. You did a very nice take on the thread you used. Runners Up: M. Propagandalf. You followed the prompt very well and had a very nice, character-driven story. Crabrock. Nice work with a difficult thread. Loser: Capntastic. Your writing needs some work, and while your ending was somewhat logical, it lacked any real interest. "Dialogue ends with a comma if followed by a tag," Anathema typed. Coherent crits from me after I sleep.
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Jul 30, 2013 11:46
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 HOSTILE TAKEOVER!WEEK LII: Cyberblaxploitation Anniversary    Guess what baby bitches! Daddy's done with weddings and training and whatever other bullshit he was doing. He's back in the saddle. This is WEEK 52 (FIFTY-TWO)! That's our one year anniversary, cockholsters! It also happened to be my one-month wedding anniversary yesterday. I'm pissed because nobody said happy anniversary. So I'm taking over this week and there ain't a drat thing anyone can do about it. The prompt, as you see above, is to combine cyberpunk with blaxploitation. You can play them both straight, satire them, whatever. As long as the story mashes both genres together into something resembling the kind of poo poo you take after drinking beer for twelve hours and eating nothing but pistachio pudding. The kind that comes in packets in a Jell-O box, and when your dog eats the box and packets it makes a really loving horrible mess under the bed. Turd Count is 1000 as per usual. Judges are Me, Erik Shawn-Bohner, and Umbilical Lotus. This is supposed to be free-form anarchy like the old days when the prompt was about potatoes and something something broads something armageddon. No flash rules. Unless I decide otherwise, of course! Deal with it and write, you loving mongrel baby bitch ladyboy afterbirth inbred worthless dogs! Submissions are due Saturday night, prolly won't check them until Sunday morning. GET TO IT!  Jive-talkin data-ridin chromed-up street soldiers Me, obv crabrock captain platypus Nubile Hillock (stupid bitch) Voliun Nikaer Drekin (guns lol) SurreptitiousMuffin (  = in because I made that smiley happen)Jagermonster PHIZ KHALIFA (no reddit you cumburper) sebmojo (  , also requesting a flash rule from capntastic for whatever reason)M. Propagandalf (barely even reading posts at this point, pretty much assuming they all say "in") Barracuda Bang! (nobody cares about your first time this is not cherrypoppers dot com) Bad Seafood CancerCakes Accretionist Capntastic The Swinemaster magnificent7 Martello fucked around with this message at 18:35 on Jul 31, 2013 |
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Jul 30, 2013 12:29
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Nikaer Drekin posted:He racked the gun, one round flipping out of the side and plunking to the carpet. Oh, poo poo, right, I cocked it yesterday, he thought. Well, not a problem, plenty more just like that one. Dr. Kloctopussy posted:Cocked his glock, you say? lol Hey Nikaer, guess what? Cocking a weapon is when you pull the hammer back. Glocks don't have hammers you dumb poo poo! Rack is fine, cock is not! Remember that and you'll stay straight. So For you there's a flash rule. YOU MUST INCLUDE DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF A CYBERPUNK GUN THAT MAKES SENSE AND ISN'T STUPID AND IGNORANT YOU CANADIAN SHITCOCK. OP is also updated so everyone can grab hold of their knickers and untwist them. btw for a lawyer Doc Klock knows a lot about guns.
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Jul 30, 2013 12:35
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My panties feel so nice and untwisty. In. I'm gonna go hang out on "the streets" to get inspiration.
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Jul 30, 2013 12:53
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In. Can't wait to write something inadvertently racist. (thunderduel story forthcoming today)
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Jul 30, 2013 13:25
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This is dumb and also stupid but okay I guess I'll write about cybermans and the negroes cyberstruggle or something something cyberpunk (in)
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Jul 30, 2013 13:38
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I honestly don't like any of you anymore, but I'll be here.
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Jul 30, 2013 13:57
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Cool, ESB still hasn't done crits for the last two times he judged several months ago.
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Jul 30, 2013 14:06
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systran posted:Cool, ESB still hasn't done crits for the last two times he judged several months ago. Hey! Watch me not give a gently caress about that. But I still love you, sweetheart <3
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Jul 30, 2013 14:09
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Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:Hey! Watch me not give a gently caress about that. Why should he listen to a single thing you say?
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Jul 30, 2013 14:16
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captain platypus posted:Why should he listen to a single thing you say? Because I'm loving me and you will.
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Jul 30, 2013 14:25
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I'll join in.
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Jul 30, 2013 14:30
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Nubile Hillock posted:This is dumb and also stupid but okay I guess I'll write about cybermans and the negroes cyberstruggle or something something cyberpunk your dumb and stupid and canadian and a bunch of other stupid poo poo
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Jul 30, 2013 15:18
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Martello posted:lol That sentence was internal voice, so obviously it was meant to convey Garry's ineptness when it comes to guns!! READING COMPREHENSION 
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Jul 30, 2013 15:37
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Erogenous Beef posted:Don't knock my smock or I'll clean your clock. Unless Sitting Here produces soon, you'll get this one by default. You'll still get a full crit as well.
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Jul 30, 2013 16:04
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Thunderbrawl Entry v. Sitting "Blood Queen" Here
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Erik Shawn-Bohner posted:Because I'm loving me and you will. Ew.
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Jul 30, 2013 16:08
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Jul 30, 2013 16:35
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 15:20 |
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Jacking in, suckas
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Jul 30, 2013 17:38
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