Thunderdome '13 - If this were any other thread we'd all be banned by now

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Fumblemouse: Mar 21, 2013; STANDARD
DEVIANT; Grimey Drawer

Accretionist posted:

If you like his entry, you'll love Neuromancer

Fffft. If you think I ripped Gibson off, don't go looking at how little of Wikipedia's plot description of Three The Hard Way remains untouched by my thieving little paws.

Now, all of you - shut the gently caress up about how crap you are. We know and we don't care - in the Thunderdome there is only Death or Glory or Crits, there is no self-harm-by-kitten-tongue commentary about how awful you are for totes reals. Just sit there hitting refresh until Umbilical Lotus posts our prompt and gives you another chance to redeem your jive-rear end jive asses.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 09:52

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# ? Apr 23, 2024 14:48

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Also congratulations to all gladiators who have been with us for the past year.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 09:53

Umbilical Lotus: Nov 13, 2005; OH NO!!!! AXE CUT YOU!!!!

!

What? Oh yeah!

It's Week (random-rear end roman numerals) 53: The Horrors of History!

Had fun this past week? Exercised your imagination cortexes and jacked in to the groove matrix? Well, to hell with you. Actual Hell! Consensus has been reached, dark pacts have been sealed in blood and ink, and by the cruel voices forcing their way through the meat of my throat I declare Thunderdome to commence!

Your prompt: A moment of historical horror. The knowing alchymist shall take one part Horror and mix thusly with one part Historical Fiction, until the sepia remuneration of the brutally real mates grotesquely with what man was not meant to know. Taketh thou a moment in history, a fixed time or event, and write it septic with shadow - the horror mayest spring from the moment, from its context in history, or from any other source, so long as it maintains its fixed point in the unremembered past and terrifies with each shivering syllable.

But all the Devil's contracts bear a catch: The wary wizard knows that to neglect his research is to flirt with things worse than those damnations with which he is familiar. Research your work. Get a solid grounding of what actually occurred, so that a casual Googling won't display anything out of thematic scope.

Offer praise and sacrifice to these, your Judges!
Fumblemouse
Umbilical Lotus
sebmojo

Beware these cruel folk, for flash rules are once again in effect, and any among them may yet spell your demise.

Count thy words, and know that they are limited to 1,200.

Sign-ups shall cease at: Friday, August 9th, 12:00 AM EST.
Submit your words by: Sunday, August 12, 12:00 AM EST.

Pray now to the gods of your ancestors - as you unearth their ancient graves, and beware! For if your bowels have quivered rightly at the Thunderdome's olden call, then know that you must toxx yourself if you failed to submit previously, and want in on this gravy.

Know thus the names of the doomed:
Capntastic (smilin' in the sun)
Erogenous Beef
Mercedes
Accretionist
docbeard (come sail away with SATAN)
magnificent7 (whiny protagonist who dies horribly)
Nikaer Drekin
JonasSalk
Auraboks
Cervid
Noah
CancerCakes (minute-long moment)
crabrock (hit that word limit hard like your fingers'll fall off tomorrow)
Helsing
Kaishai
M. Propagandalf (hated erudite protagonist, except not really because a non-judge gave the flash rule and WE ARE THE POWER HERE)
Anathema Device is TOXXED

Umbilical Lotus fucked around with this message at 06:29 on Aug 10, 2013

# ? Aug 6, 2013 10:29

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

In with blood on my smile.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 10:55

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

Anyone who failed to submit with their previous entry must :toxx:

if they want to put a story in.

Also, Capntastic? :siren:

FLASH RULE :siren:

Your story must take place on a hot summer's day.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 11:22

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

Aw poo poo. Wasn't planning on entering, but histfic tickles my prairie oysters. In.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 11:47

Jagermonster: May 7, 2005; Hey - NIZE HAT!

Capntastic posted:

For real though, Jagermonster's entry was unfortunate as heck and I'm surprised stuff like "laser sites" and "flazer canons" got through editing, especially when so much attention was lavished on coming up with ways to shout friend of the family at the bland and inexplicably messianic "Heroy Brotagonist".

Whoops. In infrared 20/20 hindsight, those are all intentional cyberpunk terms.

Seems like you really have it out for me, tastic. LET'S DUEL, BITCH.

Chairchucker posted:

Whoa now, Jagermonster's story was amazing, you jive turkey.

This is all I wanted. Thank you.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 13:42

autism ZX spectrum: Feb 8, 2007; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

Capntastic posted:

Missin' the days when not submitting was judged more harshly than writing a bad story.

gently caress u dickweasel let's brawl

# ? Aug 6, 2013 13:46

Mercedes: Mar 7, 2006; "So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.

I'm in motherfuckers.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 14:14

Accretionist: Nov 7, 2012; I BELIEVE IN STUPID CONSPIRACY THEORIES

In.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 14:21

docbeard: Jul 19, 2011

Having been aware of this thread for, oh, minutes now, I should probably wait and see how this sort of thing plays out before cautiously dipping my toe into the

gently caress that. I'm in.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 14:52

captain platypus: Aug 30, 2009; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Out this week and probably the next couple. I've got Real Life Stuff to deal with.

e: ^ this person is going to fit in very well

# ? Aug 6, 2013 14:53

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Nubile Hillock posted:

gently caress u dickweasel let's brawl

THUNDERDUEL: Nubile "Canadian Rage" Hillock vs Capn "Hard Disk" Tastic :commissar:

Capn, your story had great potential but the execution was sloppy as hell. I'll give you more feedback in the judgepost I'm writing right now (yes, I'm giving everyone feedback FOR REAL this time), but for now just know that you really need to work on your word choice and sentence structure.

Hillock, you hosed up and didn't enter.

So this DUEL is your chance at redemption. Each of you will write a cyberblaxploitation story, 800 words this time. Due date is Wednesday at midnight.

Hillock, your protagonist must fail to enter a contest and face the consequences.

Capn, your protagonist must get into some sort of trouble due to his lack of a way with words.

GET READY...

FIGHT!

:black101:

# ? Aug 6, 2013 15:11

magnificent7: Sep 22, 2005; THUNDERDOME LOSER

I'm in.

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at 17:05 on Aug 6, 2013

# ? Aug 6, 2013 16:37

Jagermonster: May 7, 2005; Hey - NIZE HAT!

Martello posted:

THUNDERDUEL: Nubile "Canadian Rage" Hillock vs Capn "Hard Disk" Tastic

Capn, your story had great potential but the execution was sloppy as hell. I'll give you more feedback in the judgepost I'm writing right now (yes, I'm giving everyone feedback FOR REAL this time), but for now just know that you really need to work on your word choice and sentence structure.

Hillock, you hosed up and didn't enter.

So this DUEL is your chance at redemption. Each of you will write a cyberblaxploitation story, 800 words this time. Due date is Wednesday at midnight.

Hillock, your protagonist must fail to enter a contest and face the consequences.

Capn, your protagonist must get into some sort of trouble due to his lack of a way with words.

GET READY...

FIGHT!

~~Can I jump in?~~

I am participating in this.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 17:51

Capntastic: Jan 13, 2005; A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Jagermonster posted:

Whoops. In infrared 20/20 hindsight, those are all intentional cyberpunk terms.

Seems like you really have it out for me, tastic. LET'S DUEL, BITCH.

I think you mean sights and cannons, and I think I've already won.

THUNDERDUEL: Nubile "Canadian Rage" Hillock vs Capn "Hard Disk" Tastic

Awright.

# ? Aug 6, 2013 22:29

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

since 2 people challenged Capn over the same comments, I think it should be a 2 vs 1

# ? Aug 6, 2013 23:20

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

docbeard posted:

Having been aware of this thread for, oh, minutes now, I should probably wait and see how this sort of thing plays out before cautiously dipping my toe into the

gently caress that. I'm in.

FLASH RULE :siren:

A sailing ship must play a major part.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 23:44 on Aug 6, 2013

# ? Aug 6, 2013 23:23

Nikaer Drekin: Oct 11, 2012; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

I am IN.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 03:17

magnificent7: Sep 22, 2005; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Why are there NO crits? Not even just those sexy short little crits like, "you should get cancer" and "I've wiped my rear end with better words".

# ? Aug 7, 2013 03:33

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

magnificent7 posted:

Why are there NO crits? Not even just those sexy short little crits like, "you should get cancer" and "I've wiped my rear end with better words".

The judges are publicly agonising over whether they should do them or not. Eventually they'll do them when it's too late.

Oh and FLASH RULE :siren:

Your protagonist complains a lot, faces horrid death.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 03:36

Mercedes: Mar 7, 2006; "So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.

sebmojo posted:

The judges are publicly agonising over whether they should do them or not. Eventually they'll do them when it's too late.

I can't work under these conditions! :byodood:

# ? Aug 7, 2013 04:07

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

Jesus people, is your reading comprehension as bad as your prose?

Fumblemouse posted:

We know and we don't care - in the Thunderdome there is only Death or Glory or Crits, there is no self-harm-by-kitten-tongue commentary about how awful you are for totes reals.

So post your Hitler fanfic or STFU.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 09:29

CancerCakes: Jan 10, 2006

Instead of whining about how the old gods are unable to keep their promises because they are lazy fuckwads so you are not getting a crit how bout writing one.

magnificent7 posted:

a day late and a dollar short.
ATTACK OF THE CRACKERBOTS 892 words

The Crackerbots were winning. A strong black ladies first line, she don't need no man

We were the only people above ground, holed up in a warehouse office that concealed the gateway to the underground. Our mission was to hold the gateway until reinforcements arrived. Second sentence here is clunky, you can incorporate it into the first to make it run better.

Florice checked her scanner. �They�re on the roof.� you either need a comma after scanner, or an attribution for the speech

The bots marched lockstep across the corrugated metal towards the rooftop entrance. Up to this point it has been short sentences, here you can be a little more lyrical. A simile, metaphor or something to indicate how the people feel. Are they frightened of the bots' arrival or excited to get to shoot them. Do they think they will win, or is this a last stand. Some foreshadowing here would be good.

I looked at the terminals and said �I have an idea.� Feels kinda late to be introducing a first person pro, maybe refer to it in the warehouse office by describing a "my compatriots and I" situation

Scientists couldn�t find a weakness in the Crackerbots. They moved in unison, attacking as a single minded organism. I knew their conformity had to be their weak spot. You are going back further into the past here, so maybe go to "had struggled to find a weakness", indicating that this had happened before the time period of the story

I chewed my cigar slowly and ran a check of our servers using the terminal, programming in SoulTran. ok, a merge of fortran and soultrain is pretty good, have a cookie
code:
IF(musicDrive==true){
	RUN musicDrive.contents THROUGH jambox
}
I'm no programmer, but in most cases where this kind of thing is used it is better for the story just to say poo poo got done. The code is distracting and you can just say "I pumped, pumped it up, pumped up the jam, those crackerbots stomping, the roof was jumping"

I hit enter and waited. see above, you don't need this

Over the warehouse speakers, the opening chords of Devo�s Are We Not Men? failed to have any affect. Florice looked up from the bank of security monitors and shouted �What�s wrong with you? You�re makin� em mad!�

�Sorry! Tryin� something else.�
code:
IF(musicDrive==true AND file ISNOT honkyShit){
	RUN musicDrive.contents THROUGH jambox
}
The Devo song stopped and the heavy bass of Cameo�s Word Up filled the warehouse.

�Look, it�s working!� Florice gave me some skin and we watched the Crackerbots stutter around the rooftop in confusion. ok so it is white people can't dance. lets see where this goes

As soon as Larry Blackmon�s nasally vocals started, the Crackerbots returned to formation.

�Stop it! No! He sounds too much like their leader!�

�Hushcomma Baby! I didn�t think about it!�

I was getting close, but needed to refine my search. don't need this line
code:
IF(musicDrive==true AND file ISNOT honkyShit){
	RUN musicDrive.contents THROUGH jambox
	(UNLESS file MAKESFUNOF Crackerbots)
}
The slow melody of a flute played into a beautiful waterfall of piano. I closed my eyes and immediately saw beautiful Florice, naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace. how is she beautiful. how is she lying there? you can't give the impression of a sexy lady if you don't write sexy, at the moment she seems like a prop in the brother's story

�A One In A Million You? What is wrong with you?� she reached over and slapped me.

Our one night together was so long ago but the music brought it all back in waves. if they have spent only one night together why she letting him call her baby. This sexy black lady don't need no man owning her

�poo poo sorry, baby! Sorry! Stop slapping me! I can change it!�

She turned back to the monitors. I was tapping the backspace button when her hand shot out and grabbed my wrist. �Hang on! It�s working. Look, they�re confused.�

Larry was getting to the chorus; �A woooooooooooooooooooooon in a��

She shook her head. �drat but I hate that song.�

�I�ve got an idea. Try somethin different.�
code:
IF(musicDrive==true AND file STARTSWITH wahwah){
	RUN musicDrive.contents THROUGH jambox
}
The silence of the speakers was terrifying. The Crackerbots were at the rooftop door now. The bots were using their third arms to destroy the door. why not use all their arms? why are we just finding out about them now?

�Why isn�t it doing anything?� She cried.

�Shh! Hear that? Listen!�

Jimi�s wahwah slowly faded in, and Voodoo Chile began to creep over the speakers. The Crackerbots slowed, but didn�t stop.

�Dammit Q! Q? why not Augustus Blackman or something more in the genre? It takes forever to get to the jam part! It won�t work!�

Her last word was drowned out by the crash of the door buckling under the barrage of Crackerbot thirdFists. She shrieked and looked out the office window onto the main floor. The bots had to file down a staircase and cross the warehouse floor to our office.

�I think we�ve got time, woman. Just wait.�

�No! If they get to us, that�s it. We�re all that stands between them and Black Rome! Move!�

She drove a foot into my chest and I was launched back over my chair away from the terminal.

�You don�t know SoulTran! You�ll get us killed!� I climbed to my feet but it was too late.

Flo said, �I got it!�

The Crackerbots were almost at the door.

�I�m sorry baby it�s too late. I always loved you!� I went to hold her, and she backed away from me.

�Love me? Motherfucker don�t ever say that to me again!�

As the wahwah of James Brown�s The Payback boomed over the speakers, a Crackerbot kicked open the door and knocked Flo to the ground.

I had 5 shots left in my honkyStopper9000, I had to make them count. I put a hole in the first �bot and it fell on top of Flo. As I was aiming at the second one, the heavy syncopation of the shaker, the wahwah, and Fred Wesley�s JBs brought the Crackerbots to their knees.

The unison of the backup singers was like a dentist drill through their helmets.

When James Brown�s first �Hey!� came through the speakers, the bots fell flat.

I shouted, �You did it baby! We�re getting out of here!� But Flo was unconscious. I picked her up. On my way out of the office, I looked at the monitor.
code:
IF(musicDrive==true AND file CONTAINS wahwah AND drummer > 1){
	RUN musicDrive.contents THROUGH jambox
}
this is your punch line? ffs the power of funk and all that but come on

James laid down seven and a half minutes of Crackerbot-crippling soul.

I took my time escaping. On my way to the underground gateway, I kicked over a can of gas. I flicked my cigar to the growing puddle of petrol. managed to hold a cigar in your mouth through all of this huh?The glowing embers arced across the room and missed the puddle.

I made it to the gate as the gas puddle reached the cigar. The explosion woke Flo.

�I was afraid you was dead.�

�Only way I�ll die is after I kill your black rear end.�

We kissed, I carried her through the gateway and headed for our underground headquarters.

Flo hadfound their weak spot. We would survive.

white people can't dance, third armed crackerbots and a lady who is about as three dimensional as a vinyl disk. You don't describe what ANYthing looks like, at all, so I decided the crackerbots have 20 legs, three arms and two legs and are painted black, while the protagonists are those little toy troll things, which makes this piece a lot more amusing. Those little troll things running around, calling people crackers and shooting honkeys. heh

cut the programming poo poo, at best it is distracting, at worst it loving ruins a half decent story. All the "characterization" you put in the code parts could be done better without it. I know it would then be "i played this, i put that track on" but that is an inherent weakness of the story, not the presentation. We get very little idea of what is at stake here, have the crackerbots taken over the world, or just this town? Who made them?

Also the hero gets the girl at the end, when seconds before she hated him, had obviously regretted their sexy times and told him she didn't love him. Just because the dude saves her life doesn't mean he is entitled to shaggin

Is it cyberpunk? Not really, more iRobot than cybermancer. Your character is using a computer, rather than being part of one.
Is it blaxpoiltation? Well the characters are trolls and the evil doers have no features except for three arms, so except for a few token cracker and honky things in there i would say no. You could argue that the music makes it "black", but it doesn't. There is no over the top violence and raunch, which is also required for this stuff.

Redeeming features - grammar is mostly fine, you submitted and with a rework this could be ~~good~~ better.

Cancer or Cake?

Afro-cancer

CancerCakes fucked around with this message at 10:07 on Aug 7, 2013

# ? Aug 7, 2013 10:03

autism ZX spectrum: Feb 8, 2007; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

Ima just pretend that the brawl is due friday cos I got work and life stuff to do so y'all can suck it.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 14:30

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

whatever bitch

# ? Aug 7, 2013 14:33

magnificent7: Sep 22, 2005; THUNDERDOME LOSER

CancerCakes posted:

Afro-cancer

Like Pat Boone's white bucks!

# ? Aug 7, 2013 14:45

Chillmatic: Jul 25, 2003; always seeking to survive and flourish

Far be it from me to crit a crit, but:

CancerCakes posted:

you either need a comma after scanner, or an attribution for the speech

Ack. No, he didn't! In fact, he employed one of the more clever ways of avoiding the Sophie's Choice of either unmarked dialogue or endless, repetitive tags.

So, just to be clear, this:

quote:

Florice checked her scanner. �They�re on the roof.�

...is a perfectly acceptable way to convey dialogue and action; I'd go as far as to say it's a device that should be used more often. When you include an action immediately before an unattributed piece of dialogue, the reader will naturally assume the person doing the action was the one who spoke.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled *~ironicfartzone~*

Chillmatic fucked around with this message at 15:34 on Aug 7, 2013

# ? Aug 7, 2013 15:32

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Chill's right, was gonna jump in and say the same.

And for the HillockXCapntasticXJaegermonster duel, deadline is moved to Friday at midnight.

Jaeger, since you want to get in on that hot action, here's your flash rule:

Story must be cyberpunk in the vein of Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, and blaxploitation in the vein of Foxy Brown. I didn't like Snow Crash so gently caress off.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 15:39

JonasSalk: May 27, 2012; THUNDERDOME LOSER

I have not walked the sands of the Thunderdome in far too long. I am in.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 15:40

Symptomless Coma: Mar 30, 2007; for shock value

Phew. That's my favourite method, too.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 15:40

PHIZ KALIFA: Dec 21, 2011; #mood

If I win a round, does the shame avatar get taken off?

# ? Aug 7, 2013 16:04

Auraboks: Mar 24, 2013; ...huh?

In.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 16:06

angel opportunity: Sep 7, 2004; Total Eclipse of the Heart

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

If I win a round, does the shame avatar get taken off?

Yes

# ? Aug 7, 2013 16:15

Jagermonster: May 7, 2005; Hey - NIZE HAT!

Martello posted:

Chill's right, was gonna jump in and say the same.

And for the HillockXCapntasticXJaegermonster duel, deadline is moved to Friday at midnight.

Jaeger, since you want to get in on that hot action, here's your flash rule:

Story must be cyberpunk in the vein of Ghost in the Shell Stand Alone Complex, and blaxploitation in the vein of Foxy Brown. I didn't like Snow Crash so gently caress off.

Thanks for the rule/inclusion.

I didn't like Snow Crash either, that's why I used it in my ridiculous piece. I find writing one of these the second time around less fun since I'm not trying to be as absurd/over the top. But I asked for it.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 17:47

Cervid: Jul 18, 2013; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Count me in. Can't be a coward all my life.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 19:06

Martello: Apr 29, 2012; by XyloJW

Jagermonster posted:

Thanks for the rule/inclusion.

I didn't like Snow Crash either, that's why I used it in my ridiculous piece. I find writing one of these the second time around less fun since I'm not trying to be as absurd/over the top. But I asked for it.

It doesn't have to be the same story re-written. Just make it gritty, "realistic" cyberpunk instead of over-the-top Stephenson cyberpunk. The story can be anything you want.

# ? Aug 7, 2013 19:15

magnificent7: Sep 22, 2005; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Chillmatic posted:

Ack. No, he didn't! In fact, he employed one of the more clever ways of avoiding the Sophie's Choice of either unmarked dialogue or endless, repetitive tags.

Thanks for speaking up Chillmatic.

I looked at CancerCakes point and interpreted it to mean, "I'm not entirely sure if Florice is saying this."

I think I could have done a better job of tying the two sentences together.

quote:

Florice's voice trembled as she checked the scanner. "They're up on the roof you big black motherfucka!"

But, and this is niggling your crit, but,

CancerCakes posted:

... the hero gets the girl at the end, when seconds before she hated him, had obviously regretted their sexy times and told him she didn't love him. Just because the dude saves her life doesn't mean he is entitled to shaggin

You must not watch a lot of blaxploitation movies.

But sincerely, thanks for all the crit you did, I do appreciate it. You have great points. I suck at finding that line between showing and telling, so I end up leaving descriptions and backstory out entirely in favor of "oh they'll get it."

magnificent7 fucked around with this message at 19:25 on Aug 7, 2013

# ? Aug 7, 2013 19:18

sebmojo: Oct 23, 2010; Legit Cyberpunk

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

If I win a round, does the shame avatar get taken off?

No. Someone might buy you one if you showed proper fighting spirit, but the only freebie is the losertar.

Oh, and it looks like Martello is a feeble, needledicked no-show for the GRATE MARTELLO ESB BRAWL FEATURING A CHILDREN'S STORY ABOUT A TALKING PIG, so let's declare ESB the winner by default; though his story was solid, if heinously messed up.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at 07:01 on Dec 30, 2013

# ? Aug 7, 2013 22:17

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 23, 2024 14:48

magnificent7: Sep 22, 2005; THUNDERDOME LOSER

sebmojo posted:

No. Someone might buy you one if you showed proper fighting spirit, but the only freebie is the losertar.

Wait. So I can just unload this avaturd anytime I want?

# ? Aug 7, 2013 22:43

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome '13 - If this were any other thread we'd all be banned by now

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