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sebmojo posted:Edit: I've critted most of the stories above - anyone who I haven't done and wants a crit speak up. Speaking.
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Oct 24, 2013 15:05
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sebmojo posted:How many words am I down to?
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Oct 24, 2013 17:25
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sebmojo posted:How many words am I down to? I'd like one when you have the chance.
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Oct 24, 2013 17:39
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Sebmojo went overboard and critted nearly everyone, but here's a few more Fraction - Faded And we’re off to a good start. As far as subject matter goes, this gave me the kind of reaction I was looking for. Competently and simply written - the voice is plain and ordinary, but the flatness works as the protagonists disaffection. I think the occasional repetition is overdone here - in the first paragraph ‘it wasn’t my fault’ ‘the wrong’ ‘my’ ‘stop’ all do it, and this continues throughout and becomes too noticeable.) The problem I had with it was that I wasn’t sure the last paragraph fitted. The final dinner scene seemed about closure and making peace. The suicide angle, while it does pile on the misery, isn’t what gave me the reaction - that was dinner party which was inherently sad. In fact, as I write this, I think I’m realising that the dinner party is the story. One thing I noticed as I read it was that after the first paragraph I knew the basics of how the story was going to play out. It read as a bit of a laundry list of things that could go wrong to a life in those circumstances and their were no real surprises until the party. If you had framed it with the dinner party with the two plates, and left the guest as a mystery - Is it the rapist? Is it the abusive boyfriend? Nope - it’s even sadder, that might work even better. Still, a strong effort and a good start for the week. big business sloth - secrets of the cairn I didn’t find this one particularly sad. It’s actually quite hopeful and pleasant -. A child remembers something coool s/he once did with his recentely deceased father. It also doesn’t make a huge amount of sense - because the protagonist can remember the rock and the tree but has somehow forgotten the bridge for no adequately explained reason. Or has he/she forgotten - I dunno. It’s not clear because he’s both searching for clues, and also used to draw lots of maps of the area? Ignoring those two problems, I found the overall writing style quite good. Information is conveyed well and clearly. The prose does tend towards the purple at times, and this ‘mission of utmost secrecy’ is oversold when we learn the result - not quite warranting the excessive description you sometimes fall into. You use ‘assuredly’ twice which is a good sign that using too many words crabrock - the best day ever Another not-really-very-sad- at-all effort. The theme I’m picking up is one of the triumph of mundanity, which could be seen as sad but is more annoying. Most of the piece is spent detailing a day gone very well indeed, but the ‘twist’ is that the next day is more sucky. Meh, welcome to the human race, bitch. This too will pass, and all that. Sorry, I am unmoved. The hat would appear to be key, but we don’t have enough of its backstory so we don’t know why we should be particularly moved by its disposal. Obviously wearing it isn’t the key to happiness as both scenes of waking up are done sans hat - so why is it important? Wabznasm - The Dance This tries but sadly (the wrong kind of sadly) fails to achieve a kind of mythic resonance. It’s let down in quite a few places. Commas in the wrong place as well as sentence fragments joined by commas that don’t seem to know when to stop. “The nights were cold, and they found what warmth they could from each other, their clothes, now ragged and worn, offered little protection, but neither complained. is two, maybe three sentences. There’s also some confusion in the overall set-up. Is the great machine a machine, or just a Nazi-like ‘war machine’? Either would be OK, but there’s no real feeling for which, and thus the enemy who is supposed to be threatening, just seems vague and cliche. Also - ‘no-one was left untouched by its steely gaze’ is a weird anthropomorphism because gazes rarely touch anything. “so softly and sweetly that he thought the whole world would weep, if only they would hear her.” is heavily tinted purple. You know the shape of this story, because it’s a familiar one, but it seems to be constructed out of cliches. Because we don’t really have much investment in these people as people, rather than caricature beautiful oppressed people (who sing and dance perfectly), the ending loses a lot of its sting. Noumena - The Door Now this was an interesting one - maybe even a little haunting. Its sense of tense is weird - sticking to the present when describing the past. ‘Now the years pass’ is such a odd construction. But I don’t hate it - it adds to the unreality of the piece, the sense of distortion. It might be better in a more horrific tale, though. I wasn’t especially moved by it, though - perhaps because of the alien style of it. I was intrigued enough to want to unpick the threads of the tale, because the situation isn’t clearly described, but not everyone will want to go that extra mile. bald gnome error - to my wife (on our anniversary) I don’t think is the worst prose, not at all. In fact, it’s the best prose so far. My pick for the win at this point. I liked the idea of a death that hadn’t happened yet, the way the fantasy metaphor of the waiting death describes the situation. theres a couple of parts where you get caught up in your own prose style - I’m not sure why we need to hear about moving day, for example - these are words that don’t really give us much information about the situation and could probably be excised. Kill your darlings, babybee. But a very good effort. justcola the Cnidarian Question “The sky screamed infernally overhead” ugh Thankfully, I don’t give a gently caress about life forms I can’t understand, so this didn’t bother me. One of the major problems with this was I really found it hard to understand the picture the words were trying to paint. Biology via fiction is hard, and I wasn’t sure if we were going down a bio is odd route or ‘look at my freaky alien planet’ until halfway through. Once I realised, well, If I voted green it would probably have had me weeping like a baby, but I so totally failed to identify with what was going on that by the time the bombs dropped I was like ‘go things that I have actually recognised! inthesto - Civil War Nothing sad happens at all. Good lord people, what is up with this? You’ve got a war, a baby, something sad could happen - but no, they both live. You’re not even trying at this point, are you? Helsing - next time finish the job An epistolary short story - an interesting gambit, and its always good to see some experimentation but but I feel it didn’t quite pay off.. A lot of the writing was really quite winning, but it had difficulty achieving the aim of the prompt because it was all from the antagonist viewpoint. We can read between the lines and surmise what manner of nasty events occurred, but because we are denied any access to what it meant for to the protagonist, because we’re limited to only their actions filtered via another, unsympathetic, viewpoint, it’s really hard to truly identify with the protag any more than with a newspaper report - we hate the voice, but we’re too busy doing that to really feel for the object of her disdain. Perhaps if the voice of view had mocked a suicide note or something we might have been better able to identify with the mindset of the victim, as opposed to just interpreting the facts of situation and thinking that the voice of view belongs to a complete ratbag. Kaishai - Come home stay a while It’s usually a pleasure to read your actual words, especially when I’m not competing against you, but here I felt you didn’t quite go the distance. Part of the problem is there’s a mix of good and bad, and it describes the events of a life with a bit of a confirmation bias toward the negative, but it’s not something that is emotionally affecting. If you’ve ever read Pearl S Buck, she does an excellent line in this sort of thing where a woman gets hosed over by life (her entire family dies, the depression hits so her education is useless as there’s no jobs, she gets stuck in a rapey marriage to survive, she gets pregnant and thinks someone will finally love me unconditionally but the baby is born retarded - all happened in one Buck book (that I read in a holding cell as part of the Depress You Straight campaign of the 90s)) but she has a novel to explore the impact of each one of this series of very sad events. Here the potted history almost works against you, because we are forced move on the the next part of the history without really exploring what it means to Rachel - we only really explore the final impact, which is she is forced to make the same difficult decision her mother made, but it’s all a bit abstract, because college is no guarantee of a good life, and the lack of it isn’t damnation - it’s really only unfortunate and we’ve already seen it happen so we know life goes on. Much like Fraction above, if the focus could be directed to single event we’d have more room to feel the sads, and the fact that Rachel is condemned to repeat her mother’s decision should be the final kick, rather than something we’ve been anticipating since the midway point of the story.
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Oct 24, 2013 19:28
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In for the next one.
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Oct 24, 2013 20:10
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The Swinemaster posted:I'll be in and take a flash rule as long as you give me the opposite of what you were about to.  Your main character has a paralyzing fear of speaking in front of a crowd
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Oct 24, 2013 20:12
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Yeah okay I'm in on this one too. Fumblemouse, I am guessing you didn't catch the reference 
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Oct 25, 2013 02:11
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I'm in, shitlords.
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Oct 25, 2013 04:59
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Sitting Here / Sebmojo Brawl part 3 Static Cling 200 words Every morning Walter slotted his Lexus LS 300 into its carpark like a chromed bullet into a clip, took the stairs two at a time and grabbed his already-ringing phone to tell it what was what. Walter worked long hours in the City and lived alone, burrowed into an air-conditioned niche in the side of a black skyscraper over the Elephant and Castle. Fridays were for socialising, lines of charlie in the loo and Macallen 30 year old at the desk. "Walter," brayed Pendleton. "Who's the girl in the frame? Bit of Yank totty?" "Sasha. My sister." "Introduce me, there's a chap!" In fact, Walter hadn't seen or talked to Sasha for nineteen years. He had stopped writing after the thirty second unanswered email. Back in his flat he put his hot forehead against the window. His eyes felt compressed, like something was trying to get out of his head. Below and far to the east a ship was heading out to sea. "Come back," whispered Walter. His breath made a translucent circle on the glass, and he drew a line down the middle with his finger. Below and around him the city muttered, grumbled, always in retreat from an unknown past.
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Oct 25, 2013 05:02
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My other two brawl entries are here and here. Sitting Here's are here, here and here. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 08:21 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 07:40
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So unless there's something I'm missing (and let's be honest, what are the odds of that happening (they are incredibly high)), I should have about two days to squeeze out a few hundred words about rocket rancheros chasing cosmic rustlers away from their flocks of astro-sheep, right? I think I can do that.
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Oct 25, 2013 10:49
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Thanks everyone for the crits!Sitting Here posted:
Getting Out (999 words)
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Oct 25, 2013 12:40
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Fumblemouse vs Mercedes 216 words - crime - no violence - cheerful Iron I love being a teacher. Tim has fallen over on the harsh school carpet, and there’s blood on his knee. I love my job. I love the sound of children playing. I love the way they hurt when they fall, when they break the skin. I love the way they let me kiss it better. The taste. I’ve been alone for a while now, and all the parents know it’s a sad thing. But my work keeps me sane, keeps me involved. And Tim has fallen over. Bless him. I love him. I love his wound. I kiss it, taste the bitter, metallic blood. Today we learned about Malaysia. Home of Tin, and Islam and Child Slavery. We learned the syllabus and Tim met my eyes. I asked a question, and Tim raised his his hand. I don’t want to let the class know that he is my favourite, so I let Sarah answer. Sarah is wrong. Her words like eels. Her curving body so disgusting. Tim still has his hand up, stretching. I point to him and he is just about to answer when Sarah pushes his wheelchair from the side and he cascades to the floor. The harsh carpet scrapes his knee. I kiss it better. Iron.
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Oct 25, 2013 13:04
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Mercedes v fumblemoose Word Count: 485 - Crime, yet no violence with a cheerful character. Concert "Oh, goddammit - Bram, why aren't you wearing pants?!" Elise blurted as she placed a hand barrier between her eyes and his fruit of the looms. She rushed past him into the smoky apartment, the pungent aroma of marijuana firing up her craving for a hit. After shutting the door, Bram grabbed an envelope from on top of the dusty, box television. He held it between his index fingers and flicked it from behind. “Baby sister, feast your eyes on the tickets that will offer us entrance to the concert of the century. A concert that will blow our minds and theoretically make us one with God.” "Can I see them?" Elise asked as she blindly held her hand out, barely able to contain her excitement. “You may have them until I find my pants. Then, we head out.” Bram said as he disappeared into his bedroom. Elise pulled the tickets out of the envelope and gradually her smile disappeared. "Bram!" she shouted. . Elise wiped the sheen of sweat from her face and leaned in to whisper. “This plan of yours better work.” "That makes two of us." Elise grabbed Bram’s arm and squeezed. He squirmed in her grasp. "You told me you did this all the time." Her whisper harshened. "I lied." Bram smiled. “Cheer up, this will be our grand adventure.” "Oh, I'm going to kill you." she said through clenched teeth. "You scalped tickets that are from last year's concert. Now, I'm wearing tear-away clothes over regular clothes, in the middle of June, for a plan that you've never tried before!" Bram nodded and waggled his eyebrows. "You know that's right." The din of the crowd’s excited conversations did nothing to temper Elise’s frustration. “This is supposed to be my birthday present.” she said, her eyes fixated on the ticket collector who was only a few people ahead. “And you’ll get your birthday present as long as you stick to the plan I just made up.” Bram said. Elise opened her mouth to argue but the old ticket collector held out her hand and addressed them. “Tickets please?” “Go.” Bram murmured, right before he wrapped the surprised ticket collector in a warm embrace. “Mmm… you smell like licorice.” Elise moved through the door at a brisk pace, weaving between all the concert-goers. When she rounded the first corner, she ripped the disguise off and dumped it next to a trash bin. Just walk past the ushers as if you already have your seat. Bram’s instructions echoed in her head. It was the only thing that prevented her from freaking out and confessing to the first staff person she saw. The concert had already started by the time she found an empty seat. The crowd roared in excitement as Josh Groban ran on stage, singing one of her favorite songs. Elise sang along, silently thanking Bram for giving her the greatest present. (edit was to add title) Mercedes fucked around with this message at 17:43 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 17:40
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Fumblemouse posted:Fumblemouse vs Mercedes 
The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 18:10 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 18:05
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Mercedes posted:Mercedes v fumblemoose I have been ordered to crit this. I feel like you could have written a more amusing and overall better story if you'd just stuck to the pot at the beginning of the story. Unless this is set in WA or something. Overall the story was uninteresting. Elise, supposedly the main character, was boring. Bram was far more interesting but was purely a device to get the story moving. I much rather would have read about the adventures of Bram, the happy-go-lucky pothead.
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Oct 25, 2013 18:56
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e: ^^  Mercedes posted:Mercedes v fumblemoose I done crit yo poo poo
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Oct 25, 2013 18:57
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Fumblemouse posted:Fumblemouse vs Mercedes I'm going to have to call an automatic failure. Being a pedophile, while creepy, is not inherently a crime. Pushing someone so they fall over and bleed could be a crime (depends on the age of the child) and is violent. e: vvv Unethical and likely to lose your job, but not illegal per se in most jurisdiction. It might surprise you what teachers can get away with. (Not defending it, just saying.) Added Space fucked around with this message at 20:15 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 19:20
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Added Space posted:Being a pedophile, while creepy, is not inherently a crime. A teacher kissing a student seems illegal. I'm not a pedodefense lawyer though, so who knows?
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Oct 25, 2013 20:12
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J Hume posted:A teacher kissing a student seems illegal. I'm not a pedodefense lawyer though, so who knows? No story chat.
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Oct 25, 2013 20:21
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The Scoop edit: Fixed blue squares fucked around with this message at 21:04 on Oct 25, 2013 |
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Oct 25, 2013 20:29
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You're going to need to change the sharing settings on this if you want folks to read it.
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Oct 25, 2013 20:42
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Someone Who Is Not A Judge posted:Making a judgement call.
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Oct 25, 2013 21:43
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Well, I've written two-thirds of my entry for this week, so I might as well be in. Also, I'll read your stories asap, Mercedes and Fumblemouse. Judgement is forthcoming.
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Oct 25, 2013 21:53
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Let's try this again - I'm in.
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Oct 25, 2013 22:45
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In.
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Oct 25, 2013 23:26
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Fumblemouse posted:Fumblemouse vs Mercedes Mercedes posted:Mercedes v fumblemoose Your subliminal tricks won't work on me, buddy! It's JUDGEMENT TIMEFirst of all, to clear this up: Added Space posted:I'm going to have to call an automatic failure. Being a pedophile, while creepy, is not inherently a crime. Pushing someone so they fall over and bleed could be a crime (depends on the age of the child) and is violent. While being a pedophile is not a crime, what happens in the story is arguably physical abuse, even if the victim doesn't realize it. And by arguably I mean I am going to argue that, so your disqualification is struck down. Both of you followed the prompt well, but I think I've got to give the edge to Fumblemouse. Even though he used around half the words that Mercedes did, his tale felt more rich and fully realized. There's a lot the story doesn't outright say, such as what's going to happen next, but it provides a nice springboard for the reader to imagine from. Mercedes, while your story was perhaps more extensively explained, it felt a bit flat and clunky. Some of the dialogue especially was too obvious as exposition, and sometimes just didn't even make sense. "This plan of yours better work." "That makes two of us." What? There were also a few grammar errors that could have easily been caught with a more stringent edit. Overall, not bad, but not good enough for a win. I can do a more extensive crit later if you guys want, but it looks like the Thunderdome is the HOUSE OF MOUSE today!!! (i'm sorry)
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Oct 25, 2013 23:46
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In for outlaws.
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Oct 25, 2013 23:54
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Here's my entry for Week 64. Go (979 words)
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Oct 25, 2013 23:59
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I'm in.
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Oct 26, 2013 00:30
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I don't have any ideas yet, but it's been too long since work raped me so I am in.
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Oct 26, 2013 00:43
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Yay, I wrote a story about outlaws. Needs More Salt (960 words)
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Oct 26, 2013 14:29
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When we submit are we supposed to only provide a google drive link?
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Oct 26, 2013 18:34
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Someone commented on/critted my outlaw story on the google doc, am I allowed to reply or should I leave it? 
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Oct 26, 2013 18:54
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Fraction posted:Someone commented on/critted my outlaw story on the google doc, am I allowed to reply or should I leave it? When I do crits, I use googledocs so people have an avenue to respond without making GBS threads up the thread. I don't see an issue with it.
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Oct 26, 2013 19:45
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Fraction posted:Someone commented on/critted my outlaw story on the google doc, am I allowed to reply or should I leave it? Don't respond to crits except to briefly clarify a point or thank someone, doesn't matter who they are from (unless you want to do it in Fiction Farm). This isn't us being assholes; talking about your piece is a luxury you shouldn't rely on. Speak through your story, not about it. sebmojo fucked around with this message at 20:02 on Oct 26, 2013 |
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Oct 26, 2013 19:56
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sebmojo posted:Don't respond to crits except to briefly clarify a point or thank someone, doesn't matter who they are from (unless you want to do it in Fiction Farm). Think they mean on the Gdocs, not in thread.
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Oct 26, 2013 20:12
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Mercedes posted:When I do crits, I use googledocs so people have an avenue to respond without making GBS threads up the thread. I don't see an issue with it. I's for this week's entry though, as in the one we've not hit the deadline for. If anyone reads my story for this week they're gonna see comments/crits. I dunno if I can reply to the comments or if I should somehow hide them or what. 
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Oct 26, 2013 20:33
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Responding to critiques on Google docs is fine, it's not making GBS threads up anything to reply to crits off of the forums. I've started going through these first submissions. I will try to have comments on everything up so far within the day. I haven't checked for comments from my other judges (Mercedes, did you say you would judge? I forget) but they are more than welcome to jump in.
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Oct 26, 2013 20:34
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Yea, I'll judge with you. I'll start reading through tonight and late tomorrow. My crits will be later, but I'll be sure to do them.
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Oct 26, 2013 21:58
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