|
In!
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:09
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 12:31 |
|
|
Bigup DJ posted:Does anyone have reading on how to do a good mystery story? I approve of your sneaky attempt to get someone's word count halved.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:21
|
|
|
crabrock posted:signing up now in case some sort of stupid limit gets instituted. This, in.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:27
|
|
|
What the hell, I'm in for this week. The Last 100 words At the end he despairs. He looks the dragon in the eye. He could step into that pupil sword and all, it's so large. Step into it like a doorway. “Dragonslayer.” He feels the dragon's voice in the shaking rock. “I am the last. Will you end the age of dragons? Will you leave the forests to be cut, the fields to be tilled? What foe will be worthy of you, in this age of men?” Behind the dragon, smoke still rises off the distant city. “None shall.” At the end he despairs, but sword raised, he steps forward.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:29
|
|
|
Lion of Anathia 99 words Androx Vanos waded through scarlet. His spatha, Death Herself, sliced armor and bone like straw. The Horned King’s banner waved yonder. Androx rushed it, his last two Imperial Bodyguards running behind. “Dromel!” The Imperator roared. “Come to me!” The Horned King shoved aside one of his own men to see his enemy. His rams-horns dipped, as if in a bow. Dromel cut down an Anathian cataphract with a single blow of his greatsword. A path was cleared. Two unstoppable kings rushed together. Greatsword met spatha and rectangular shield. Thunder boomed. Blood sprayed. A kingdom fell, beneath a lion’s paws.
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:32
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:
|
|
#
?
Jan 14, 2014 23:34
|
|
|
I am in on this as well.
|
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 00:22
|
|
|
The Devil in the Details 100 words It was cold at the crossroad, much colder than it had been all those years ago. As the time crawled steadily closer to midnight, Ernest recalled his last meeting with the devil. "So you make me the smartest man alive, and in return I give you my soul?" Ernest asked. "Yes," came the gravely voice of the figure in front of him. "And there ain't no way I can get it back?" The figure shook its head wordlessly. With a handshake, Ernest was incredibly bright, but felt strangely hollow inside. But now, wise enough to recognize his error, he'd come back to correct his double negative.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 00:26
|
|
|
Beast Pussy posted:The Devil in the Details 100 words NO MORE loving EPICS
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 00:28
|
|
|
I'm in this week
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 00:52
|
|
|
In!
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 01:15
|
|
|
In.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 02:27
|
|
|
The Saddest Rhino posted:E: Someone write this too: Martello posted:Got it Some believe I was actually entering last week, tho I wasn't because ORGY OF THE DEAD means everyone bangin in the orgy is DEAD which can't happen in a world without DEATH here's the story XXX ORGY OF THE DEAD XXX Somewhere in Romania... Vlad Blackdickula held Suzy McHugetits' hand tightly, passionately. Sweatily. "You're really going to enjoy this party, I think, my dear," he intoned, looking deeply and passionately and sexily into her big beautiful, voluptuous, sexy, round, eyes. Then he stared down at her generous, pillowy cleavage. "I certainly hope so!" Suzy McFunbags tittered. "I do so love parties." She opened her full, red lips in a pant of passionate anticipation. Sexy anticipation. Vlad leaned in for a kiss. His thin, manly lips met her full, red, pillowy womanly lips. They kissed passionately, like two people in deep lust. Sexy, passionate lust. The limousine came to a stop outside a magnificent, incredible castle. The kind of castle where they make movies about muscular, brooding knights and beautiful, lusty ladies. And vampires. "Is this all yours?" Suzy McLargebreasts shrieked. "It's so magnificent! It's incredible!" "It certainly is," Vlad returned. "All mine. Please, my dear, come inside, and see the wonderful party we have waiting for you." He held out a long-fingered hand. Suzy took it and they climbed out of the long, black, long limousine together. They walked along a path paved with old, stately, impressive stones. Huge, oaken, iron-bound gates opened for their entry. Inside was a party like Suzy McBigjuggs had never seen! Men and women in amazing, fantastic, horror-movie costumes made love on every couch, chair, table, and even the hard, cold, stone floors! Suzy McBusty's hands flew to her face. "It's a costume party!" she wondered. "Why didn't you tell me? All I have is this skimpy little sexy red dress and sexy red heels," she burst out. It was true. She saw on a couch in front of her, a very large, muscular man wrapped completely in mummy bandages. He was thrusting his very large, muscular penis between the enormous breasts of a woman painted up like the Bride of Frankenstein, from the movie Bride of Frankenstein. On the floor to her left, another very large, even more muscular black (very black) man dressed up as a Haitian voodoo zombie was double-teaming another woman (with enormous breasts) dressed up as one of the Brides of Dracula (from the Bride of Dracula movie) along with a large, muscular man wearing the best ghost costume she had ever seen! It looked like he really was transparent, see-through. They also both had very large penises. "Why," Vlad ejaculated. "Those aren't costumes, my dear." "What do you mean?" Suzy McJumboknockers gasped. Vlad threw back his head and laughed, a long, loud, deep, rich laugh. Suzy O'Balloonboobs suddenly noticed, for the first time, how long, sharp, and scary his teeth were. "My dear," he chuckled, "I mean that this party is an orgy...of the DEAD! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Martello fucked around with this message at 03:13 on Jan 15, 2014 |
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 03:06
|
|
|
If you have written less than two TD entries and you want a free crit, the first two to speak up will get a free crit post haste. edit: You can reach me in IRC. none crit left. Mercedes fucked around with this message at 04:45 on Jan 15, 2014 |
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 04:26
|
|
|
I'm in this week - my first go in the Thunderdome. Mystery for 1000, Alex.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 04:35
|
|
|
Week #75 - He's Not Quite Dead Author: No Longer Flaky Life's a Rat-Race Alright, Flaky, lets start with the macro problems of your story. Essentially, your story everything interesting about it right about the time the two chaps get up from the ground. After that exact point, everything else is so mind numbingly boring and pointless. Seriously, you had the good fun parts in the opening; you think the race is gonna be a regular type of running down the stairs horseplaying and whatnot, and then they jump out of the loving window. I was digging it. Then there was a complete loving 180 degree turn in story tone and direction. Literally, there wasn’t even a segway into the next scene. I suspect that you were making the story up as you go along. I highly recommend for your next entry before you write one word in your rough draft, make up a summary. It only has to be a few sentences in length, but it needs to include the plot of your story and the motivations of all the characters in it. Keep that poo poo as a reference when you’re writing up your rough draft and you loving try your goddamn hardest to convey motivations. Now, on with micro poo poo. Life’s a Rat-Race posted:“Race ya to the car?” David asked. “Winner buys the first round at the bar?” The second half is poo poo. Complete and utter poo poo. Eddie was just there to move poo poo along. Honestly, you could have easily cut the later half and ended up with a better story. Also, Rat-Race is not what you think it means.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:08
|
|
|
The Duty – curlingiron Unlike many entries this week, your piece is an actual piece of Epic fiction. Your descriptions are vivid and help set the tone. My biggest issue is your phrasing. The second sentence goes on way too long and I noticed two punctuation errors. I understand what you were trying to do with the last sentence but it is a jarring change from the fantasy that defines the rest of the piece. Bear Mountain – Assoonasitits Lacks the overwrought poetic descriptions that define most Epics. I would focus on improving that in your next submission. There is also something weird going on with your prose that causes me to lose my sense of rhythm while reading your submission. Your piece raises too many questions for its length and is otherwise really dull. You Always Remember Your First – Tyrannosaurus This is actually my favorite submission, even if it does not strictly comply with the prompt. You’ve made a short story that captures a lot of comedy and emotion for its length. Jake and Adam sound like real people. If I were to criticize anything, it would probably be the last sentence in the third paragraph. I am not a fan of the repetition. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the story. Unyielding – Entenzahn Your entire first paragraph does nothing to move the plot forward or tell me about the heathen god. This would be acceptable in a larger work of fiction but you needed to be economic with your words. Some of your word choices are questionable and I do not really understand whether the content is meant to be metaphorical or real. People really liked killing God for their prompt this week, didn’t they? Dark Strings – Black Griffon After last week, I am beginning to suspect that goons have some unresolved baggage involving religion. Your descriptions are well-done and give me a good mental image about what is happening. I particularly like you equating the demon’s explosion “with the force of a small-yield nuke.” My biggest issue is your ending but that might just be because so many people ended on one-liners. Depths – Mr_Wolf Meh. It is an epic struggle but your descriptions do not jive well with the setting. If the “blue and white” is meant to be crewmembers, then that could be clearer. The middle paragraph is badly constructed. You are either missing or misusing punctuation and it is really distracting. There is nothing that connects “freezing salt water shuts the captain up” to your dialogue despite it being included on the same line. Life sucks – No Longer Flaky Your story is not an Epic but an extended description. Unfortunately, I am not sure what you want to describe because your prose is really vague. I think it might be an eye, but I have no idea. Your story leaves me with the impression that you do not know how a comma works. Heartseeker – JamieTheD The submission tries but fails to achieve a sustained elevation of style. There should be an “and” between “a battered iron helm” and “a fur loincloth.” There is a disconnect between the distant, impersonal description in the first paragraph and the second paragraph, where the narrator describes a fight against the subject. Reads like Skyrim fan fiction. Untitled – Sitting Here One of the few pieces submitted this week that covers all the characteristics an Epic should have. It also has an identifiable conflict and resolution, which is a plus. The descriptions do their job and make me want to read more of the story. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to several other pieces.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:19
|
|
|
Stop loving posting epics you idiots that thing's over now. You can still crit them. In, I guess, though I'm half tempted to immediately drop out in sympathy for the poor judges. The dome's gotten crazy full these last few weeks.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:33
|
|
|
SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I'm half tempted to immediately drop out in sympathy for the poor judges. The dome's gotten crazy full these last few weeks. I'm totally tempted, and will give in to my temptations. Didn't even get a critique for what I posted last week, and now I'm being forced into this dumb "brawl" thing because I had the audacity to post in a thread. I just wanted to write a little thing here and there, the 'Dome clearly isn't for me. Done
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:37
|
|
|
Captain Trips posted:I'm totally tempted, and will give in to my temptations.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:44
|
|
|
SurreptitiousMuffin posted:There's a lot of entries. The judges have divvied them up but we're real people with real lives doing this for free: don't get pissy if your crit isn't in RIGHT NOW. Rhino and Carbon's crits aren't late: mine were just super early this week because Tuesday was a public holiday and I had some time to screw around. The crit is only a minor complaint, and I understand what you're saying. It's more the high-pressure, sperg-out, DON'T POST IF YOU'RE NOT WRITING nonsense that I'm walking away from. And that stupid brawl that I was entered into against my will.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:48
|
|
|
Captain Trips posted:The crit is only a minor complaint, and I understand what you're saying. It's more the high-pressure, sperg-out, DON'T POST IF YOU'RE NOT WRITING nonsense that I'm walking away from. And that stupid brawl that I was entered into against my will. Rules about shitposting are going up because traffic to this thread has just about tripled in the last month, and it's totally out of control. It's moving too fast to make any sense of: we're just trying to keep it under control to make the thread a little easier to read. If you really want to keep posting those epics, make a thread about it. Post ten of them. Hell, post twenty, and invite other people to join in. It's a cool exercise, but I'm just trying to make it easier for people to follow a kinda-crazy thread in here.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:55
|
|
|
Captain Trips posted:The crit is only a minor complaint, and I understand what you're saying. It's more the high-pressure, sperg-out, DON'T POST IF YOU'RE NOT WRITING nonsense that I'm walking away from. And that stupid brawl that I was entered into against my will. dude wants to leave because we tell him not to post. instead just keeps posting and not leaving. this is awesome.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 05:56
|
|
|
Meinberg posted:Well, since I'm pretty sure that poo poo posting is not allowed in the Dome, I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're asking for a brawl. In which, I will oblige you. Shall we say something related to the Mafia, due in by this time next week? Mercedes posted:I WILL ALSO OFFICIATE THIS MOTHERFUCKING BRAWL Middle finger raised, then. I guess I'll hang around and pick and choose the prompts I like, like I intended to do in the first place.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 06:00
|
|
|
SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Rhino and Carbon's crits aren't late: mine were just super early this week because Tuesday was a public holiday and I had some time to screw around. Work turns out to be a little tougher this week which means my crits are late. And there are likely going to be very unfair ones too, especially if I hate your piece. I'm going to make an exception and allow you to PM me or hit me on IRC to bitch at me why I am The Wrongest Rhino. If you feel like I totally should read your story and crit, ok do the same too. I was already reading a bunch and making comments before being assigned Stories #16-30. So some of you get some crits. 1 Chairchucker Death Where Is Thy… Oh What’s That Word, Bees Do It This is a very Chairchucker piece. It’s not great, but it’s not terrible either. I chuckled at a few bits where they talk about how Lee made them suffer through 270 million years of trial and the sentence being 270 million push ups. I know this was written very quickly and briskly, like “a joke is at the tip of my tongue, I need to get it out now”. I wish you let it brew a little bit longer so the jokes are funnier. 2 Captain Trips Undying and Unemployed The characterisation is all right. I was interested in the family conversation even though I suspected where it was going, especially because you have capitalised the sentence where he said he got fired. Your eyes tend to wander to that sort of thing unconsciously. I don’t like the punchline. I wish you just made it that it was just about the guy losing his job as an undertaker, and the consequences after. Rendering him the grim reaper sounds like you forgot how to end it so “ok here joke now cool I is gud riter.” Plan better next time. 3 Meinberg Can't An Old Robot Probe the Mysteries of the Universe and His Own Creation In Peace? This reeks a lot of pretension. I’m going to admit, I’m not a hard sci fi person. A story that begins with “The tumbling of cyphers begins to coalesce, numbers and sigils aligning into perfect four-dimensional arrays. I pull at the central block and the obstruction falls away.” is not really that attractive to me, it makes me think “is this guy playing some spaceship simulator MMO?” I don’t really “get” the story. It feels like reading the office life of a guy in middle management dealing with a bunch of people being assholes to him, and him thinking about his retirement package. I want there to be more story or meaning behind the Ionia plotline and his retirement plotline, but it feels like a prequel of an actual story. 4 Mr_Wolf Who Needs God You got the atmosphere down. You got the kids’ personalities down. You got their backstories down, you got the way their motives and desires affect their reaction to the death of the 45 year old down. What you didn’t get down was the plot structure. in that on first read I have no idea what the story is. I’m still not entirely sure. As far as I know, here’s your sequence: - Danny hits a truck - Joe (leader) does misogynistic stuff, then hits truck - Tommy appears with the news - [Sudden complete change of direction of story to Tommy’s backstory] - They go into bunker and talk about God I’m interested in seeing what these kids are doing and what they are doing. I like some things you have done, like describing Tommy’s DIY tattoos, and Joe’s line on outliving Gods. Your backstory of Tommy, however, serves as a major distraction that sticks out like a sore thumb, throwing the pacing and plot to the backburner just so we can read about Tommy being Tommy. I reread it without the backstory and your entry became better. 5 Quidnose Sting like a 01100010 I feel that your first scene is superfluous with lots of sci-fi worldbuilding stuff thrown in to show us how nice and advanced, yet corrupt in the core the world is in the future. Really, I like reading about stuff like this, but they did not do much to the plot, and I think it could have been cut down a little. In fact, your first scene and the second scene could be easily combined together to create one coherent sequence. It would also give you enough wordcount to deal with the third scene better. I like stuff like Ten mistaking his pang of hunger as guilt, because it is a great character moment. I don’t like the robot’s speech style, because I didn’t get what it was saying half the time (A close example of what you were going for I’ve seen is: “QUERY: WHAT IS THIS.” “STATEMENT: THIS IS A COCK.”). Seriously, you are a solid writer so I was a little disappointed you got curtailed due to the format of flash fiction this week, especially as the world is interesting enough I want to read more. 6 JamieTheD Fascinating I don’t understand “it’s the ah word” I don’t understand why Marek has a shotgun on the dumbass earthling. It reads a lot like Wall-E except without the charm. I think the only bit I like was when he picked up the dog. 7 The Leper Colon V Escape Attempt cute idea re: necro virus not dying. Execution - vomit 8 Baudolino Joufyl Sypheus. Too much stuff cramped into it, but it’s actually interesting and makes me keep reading? But what is the point of the story. Also, I played on youtube that song and it’s “what the poo poo is this” Lots of technical errors. Still have punctuation issues, but a lot better since Rural Rentboy. You still can't get your names' spelling straight. Jerimiah is such a silly name, btw. 9 God Over Djinn What we had never done before I like this story. It works, especially when it's revealed at the end that Lack did not anticipate dying was a permanent thing. High pile for me. In fact I was pushing this to win. 10 Guiness13 Forever Not bad. But could have just thrown out the whole prompt of "alive for centuries" stuff and just put him in a coma where he's eternally awake. That would mean he's in his own world where death is not a release. Makes the piece stronger. 11 docbeard Old Man Huge pacing issues. Lots of ellipses in the conversations, rendering dialogue unnatural. Sounds like anime. A lot of extraneous stuff which did not need detail. I was bored most of the time. The whole first scene is fluff. 12 Mercedes To Beard or Not To Beard What in the gently caress is going on 13 Seldom Posts We Conquered Death So That We Could Exult In Murder Not enamoured with it. Idea of murderers being used as furnitures is a unique perspective but I just cannot picture that happening. Like, are they physically bedstands and dressers? I don't really get it. The pacing had a sudden change when the poisoning occurred, as if you realised you had not enough words to use. I wasn't altogether happy with the letter either. Overall, could be much stronger. 16 Nikaer Drekin Vertigo Blues You know what, I wanted this story to be cute. Young romance, star-crossed lovers, saying cute funny things to each other and be all marvelled about how in love they are, and when she falls he catches her and they're serious but they're still in love. Well, it's not that, so I'm disappointed. The dialogue is just, well, clunky. Especially with the exposition. Jesus, why. Could use improvement. 17 Rainbow Unicorn Man to Machine Pacing problems. Don't put an expositional thing in between each conversation. It's tiring. Otherwise, the story is fine. There's a bit too much backstory on why death death death immortality here and there but I can deal with that. Charlie is interesting, but I feel like they could be doing something a bit more special than what seems like just skydiving. The sense of location is also odd. I was a bit surprised they were so high up in the air, and the conversation doesn't really make logical sense other than for exposition purposes. 18 ThePopeOfFun It Is Really Only God Who Kills I'm sorry but this is incredibly tiring to read. I'm sure I'm going to be called a philistine but I had to read so many entries this week and a story which is full of huge chunks of paragraphs, with so many happening happening happening at once and in such rapid succession, where I can't even tell at one point where the story is progressing to, I just can't appreciate it. There is just too much going on and I don't get the reference to Herschel in the end. 19 petrol blue Business Interesting concept, although somewhat predictable. I don't think you established enough of what the protagonist was there for, other than him being a homicide detective and this Toombs guy is really suspicious. I think your ending suffered a little from wordcount issues. But otherwise, it's all right. 20 Sitting Here Spaceless Dementia One of the first stories I read that didn't even bother dealing with "why aren't people dying" So, I like it. I like it enough that I reread it. There's obvious thought being put into a spaceship's functions and how age would cause things to go out of control. I like the characterisation of Linne and Desera and how devastating Desera's catching of "hope" is considered a disease by Linne. High pile. 21 DreadNite The Genesis There is a line that says: "Acutely aware that this interaction is being broadcast live around the world, I turn to her as steadfast and confident as my unsteady heart allowed and only manage to utter “I love you”." This is not good writing. This is cramming lots of words into a sentence without care to sound smart and failing. The beginning is the Hunger Games. When BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM I WANT YOU IN MY ROOM happens, I'm tired and bored and I don't even know what is going on, other than there being a lot, a lot of adjectives and words that don't mean anything. It is the reader's, especially a judge's, fault to not continue on with the story. But the writer should not make it harder for the reader to do so. 22 Tyrannosaurus Thoughts on a Cold Winter's Day "It could marvel at how unique it is. It could despair at its sameness. " This is the best line of the story. It's trying to be poignant. I think it got muddled up by way too many words, when simplicity would have made it more poetic and sad. I didn't like the "oh well snow can't think, psyche" bit. It's too contrived. The revelation of the skull of the last man, same thing. It's ok, I guess. 23 Erogenous Beef An Obvious Reference to Hamlet, or Maybe Nietzsche, Man Jesus Christ the ending. It hurt so much. It's silly and it doesn't make sense half the time, but this story made me smile the most, and I like a lot of stupid things like the names of everything and Zombie Saladin, and Stoner Jesus. I was questioning why the curries kill zombies off, then I get to the pun. That pun. It's worse than Immortali-tea. High pile. 24 Kaishai Endless Night Good story. There's a melancholy to the mood, punctuated by the morning glories around the bodies, which work well for me. The characters' actions make sense, their dialogue are intriguing, and the shock that comes during the calm made more surprising just because of how quiet the whole story had been. It takes some finesse to not destroy the atmosphere of a story when something violent occurs in the calm. High pile. 25 Djeser Man After Man I enjoyed this - very fun story, of cavemans which keep regrowing their heads and limbs in all the wrong ways. There are some bits that could be handled better, like how he could not feel fun anymore when the new head kept thinking about himself. It's a tough challenge you have set for yourself, so I can't blame you, but it definitely could use some fixing. I wish it didn't end with the fang-cow attacking him (I would prefer he accidentally engineered his head's demise). But I like the ending you were going for. High pile. 26 crabrock neverstop Ok I know it's the sun. I can deal with the lack of capitalisation, but the random absence of punctuation here and there? Shaking my head at you now. However, it's fine enough and kept my attention although I know you definitely wrote this in less than 20-30 minutes. 27 Schneider Heim To You, 50 Years From Now I can see your writing improving as time goes on. I like the characterisation you gave the two where they argue over the child's gender. I don't like, however, some of the exposition stuff like Plavinsky's way too detailed explanation and the "human race blah blah blah" dialogue. I like your last line. There are some clunkiness here and there. Your story was ok, but it definitely could be improved. 28 ReptileChillock Detritus I can't really tell, ultimately, whether his brains were transplanted into the computer of the ship's navigational system and he was stuck there forever. It sounds like that's what you are doing. Which makes the appearance of sentences about computers all that more confusing. If that's the case, that bit where he hugs a girl, that emotional impact, would be good. It's a bit of a mess here and there though. Why didn't you use all the words? 29 Amused Frog The Artist I think you should have focused more on the similarity between the attendant and the artist, that they are actually performing pretty much the same thing/role, except one has more prominence than the other because of marketing/whatever. As of now, it's fine, but it can be improved. I enjoyed some bits here and there, but it feels a little dead without that emotional connection with the protagonist. 30 Entenzahn Sport of Kings Ok, this is fun. There's a lot of wrong and hosed up things but I understand why you are doing them. Very over the top and ridiculous. Could be greatly improved by actually reading like a sports article. Right now, I can't actually tell whether I'm supposed to be rooting fro Ghana, or America. There's also not enough mention of Goreball, which is surprising since it's the game. You have too many run-on sentences. 32 Peel Closure Dialogue works. A bit too much, but works. High pile. 33 Chair Bird Paradise This was my push to lose. Need to proofread. Lots and lots of proofreading. There are too many issues and my brains can't focus. Pacing doesn't work. Feels like writer has forgotten what he was trying to say at several points. Punctuation issues so numerous. Very troubling implication in this story, when the large man appears and does this: "He laughed in a good natured way, throwing his head back, his smile lighting up his face. He patted me on the back in an act of sympathy and said “Yes my friend, they get sick but they do not die, it happens to all of us, this is inevitable.”" Because the first thing that jumps into my mind is the protagonist, who is passive and accept everything as ok, is totally cool with the idea of these friendly, happy wardens operating a rape camp full of immortal sex slaves. You probably did not intend that but Death of the Author, etc. 34 QuoProQuid Death in Dorset I like this. High pile. Very Mignola-ish and the last line is killer. 40 Bigup DJ The Supermen Has a great first and last line which honestly I felt saved the story. There isn't really a story but rather conversation snippets. I feel this works better as a short one-pager comic (with each conversation a panel) than a story. If you want to go for the latter, at least describe scenes or things. Dialogue sorta works. For experimental writing this is laudable. It doesn't mean it worked. 45 Martello XXX ORGY OF THE DEAD XXX Understands my secret fetishes for Hammer Films movie monsters having copious amounts of sex with little subtlety. Push for win. The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at 08:37 on Jan 15, 2014 |
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 07:15
|
|
|
curlingiron posted:WELP. It’s holding her and she jumps away? Into her fate to slay the beast? Sweet fate I guess. It doesn’t seem like it’s really hard to face your fate when it’s good. Why bother making acid blood if it doesn’t faze her? Assoonasitits posted:I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE A GO AT THIS. Where is the conflict in this? Nothing can stop the powerful man, so it’s not interesting. Was he saving something or just being a jerk? Your story ends with the whole world breaking, which I’m guessing means the end of the human race. Thanks a lot jerk. Tyrannosaurus posted:You Always Remember Your First both hands on both boobs or one hand for each? details man. also, this is “internet epic” not “odyssey epic” Entenzahn posted:Unyielding first god killing story. where is the conflict in this? a man gets to heaven and tries to kill a god. what is stopping him? the whole story is describing how pretty a place it is. boring. Black Griffon posted:Dark Strings - 99 demons and angels aren’t the same thing, but you seem to use them interchangeably. Why can this guy withstand a nuke? why does a demon have so much potential energy? Why is he killing one with a guitar? why does it matter that it’s a bass guitar, is the guy super boring? Mr_Wolf posted:Depths - 100 words oh cool, adjectives. there is a lot of talk of bellies in this one. it made me hungry. also i hate this. QuoProQuid posted:Heirs of Apollo - 88 words conflict: none. resolution: none. interest: none. this is really boring. No Longer Flaky posted:Life sucks -I don't know how many words. 66 words. holy poo poo your first sentence is overwrought bullshit. It does absolutely nothing for your story. STOP WRITING LIKE THIS. write a simple sentence. Is this basically: “somebody looks up. somebody watches something move. he gets a boner. he is embarrassed, and then he cums his pant. really? you thought that was a good idea because you made it vague and dressed it up in thesaurus words? imma get a newspaper and hit you on the nose JamieTheD posted:Here's a lil' story. you spend your first half talking about some vague guy who kills a lot. the only thing your character does is try to fight him because…. revenge? duty? he’s stupid? I dunno. but he sucks and gets beat up. great story.  Sitting Here posted:(100 words) the middle conflict doesn’t seem real or dangerous enough. never does she seem worried, so I never fear for her. was the world-eater really going to eat the world? why can’t it eat one girl? surely there are sharp things in the world. how big is this thing? why does it hate the world? Kaishai posted:Aurora sweet. this is a good story. SurreptitiousMuffin posted:gently caress you I can enter my own thing. 100 exactly. no conflict in this one. a guy does what he sets out to do. you could at least have his feet slip or something. systran posted:Dance of Fairies - 100 Words again, no setback. everything just happens as it seems like it should. Meinberg posted:EPIC PROMPT how are there people if the sky and earth broke? who are these people? who is the beast. this was called 100 word epic, not 100 word vagueries. Jagermonster posted:Hardyssey and Deepiad thanks for the hard and deep fanfic. but where exactly is the conflict? a dude rides into town and is winning and then is killed by god. real epic. EPIC FAIL LOLALSDK;J God Over Djinn posted:itsy-bitsy epics! Ok. a man did some stuff. so? Echo Cian posted:hi im posting this on a phone version of wordpad i count 100 words but it might be off kthnx a man imagines a roar and plays some music and that makes it rain? was he ever in danger? it just seems like these two things are happening far away from each other and are only connected because you say they are. God Over Djinn posted:I'm entering twice because idgaf. why is it inevitable? and that makes them kill slaves? and then a guy commits suicide?and liked it? this is not epic, it’s just a series of stupid events. petrol blue posted:Crack the Sky - 99 words i’m not really sure why this char killed a god. gotta have motivation for your characters. also things happened how she wanted. no setback. docbeard posted:And now some more of that religious sci-fi that Muffin loves so much. (Sorry I couldn't work in any robot gods.) why are they fighting? i have no idea what’s going on. What are the stakes if they’re already dead? why does everybody hate god? Baudolino posted:Epic Promt. 100 words including title. why is this man so angry? what is he fighting for? where is the setback? it’s just mostly description of a REALLY TOUGH DUDE. SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Beserkgang BONER ATTACK. no setback though. they just set out to die and seems they will. Sitting Here posted:my irl epic oh hey. this has a setup, a conflict, a setback, and a resolution. good job. docbeard posted:48 Words so i’m assuming he died? or did he realize he’d been pranked? you have a lot of setbacks here, i’m guessing that’s where everybody else’s went, right here. but you don’t have a good set up. where is this bomb and why does it matter? who is this guy and what is his motivation for defusing the bomb. he fails, now what? Tyrannosaurus posted:Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus, please. Help me, God, help me. Jesus. this isn’t even really a thing. it’s just a poop joke. that’s cool though. FreudianSlippers posted:Dawn of the Wolf Age uh. some stuff happens. the main character strokes his spear. post your masturbatory allegories somewhere else. tankadillo posted:Doom of the Dinosaurs set up, conflict, set back, and resolution. the resolution sucked, but meh. Mr_Wolf posted:98 words no character motivations, no reason for this stuff to happen. don’t really care at the end. Accretionist posted:KROLF THE BARBARIAN setup, ….no motivation, why did he have to kill the bear? but you do have a setback and resolution, so kudos. crabrock posted:The Wolf-Rider-Sword Industrial Complex this is the best one here. congrats. you can sleep with my wife. Bad Seafood posted:A bite-sized epic. why does this guy gotta… kill something? I dunno. also, no setback. Ur mom. Ihmemies posted:The Mountain of Madness why do you switch from 3rd person to 1st person? there is no motivation here. there is just bad stuff happening to some people. boring. WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:In digestion you provided some setup and motivation, but then just went off the rails. I don’t really understand what happened. Amused Frog posted:Dead Eye - 89 words motivation, set up, no real setback, lovely resolution. first half is good, second half sucks. Amused Frog posted:Gonna try to do some crits of the short stuff too because I want to make people feel bad. lets be best friends. Paladinus posted:The Last Wish motivation, set up, a set back… no real resolution. you’re 3/4ths there. V for Vegas posted:War 91. setup, motivation, i think you kind of have a setback? but not really. he likes to kill but then he’s a drone pilot or something? but he still likes it? I dunno man. Anathema Device posted:The Last setup… no motivation, no setback, no resolution. this is basically just window dressing. it’s ok, but not 100 word epic Martello posted:Lion of Anathia this is all just dry fantasy porn. no lube. no motivation or setbacks, just some dudes fighting. BORING. Beast Pussy posted:The Devil in the Details 100 words set up, motivation, not really a setback, just a realization, and then a resolution. it’s kinda funny, but you posted way too late. My Winner: Kaishai. 2nd: Sitting Here. Last place: everybody else
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 07:35
|
|
|
 crabrock and SurreptitiousMuffin have violated the precepts, their wordcount drops to 500
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 11:34
|
|
|
I have no idea what to make of this story, so I'm just going to insert my thoughts as I read it as a crit. Mercedes posted:To Beard or Not To Beard What. What. That certainly is a collection of words.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 12:52
|
|
|
Peel posted:THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXVI: The Mysteries of the Finite In to reclaim my honor. I am no coward, mark my words! 
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 15:17
|
|
|
Crits are still on the way, just stupid busy with work and helping a friend move this week. Uh oh did I just cut my word count if I decide to go in this week? Oh no no ...what have I done
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 17:12
|
|
|
I'm in. As a comment, could we start to rein in the brawls? I'd like to see a variable, weekly cap on brawls that comes along with each new challenge. The amount of clutter is getting out of hand.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 18:09
|
|
|
Rules make for rules lawyers, but I agree. So no more brawls until the next judge comes in. And don't challenge someone until you've at least got an honourable mention.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 21:21
|
|
|
Alright, the worst that can happen is I get a cool new avatar, so I'm in.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 21:34
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:Rules make for rules lawyers, but I agree. So no more brawls until the next judge comes in. Brawls currently underway will continue, of course. EchoCian and Sitting Here, that means you.
|
|
#
?
Jan 15, 2014 22:06
|
|
|
Author: WeLandedOnTheMoon! Wordcount: 1281 The Lingering Wounds posted:
Author: Rainbow Unicorn Wordcount: 1285 Man to Machine posted:
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 00:10
|
|
|
If anyone wants a crit from me for their story from the last week's prompt, post a link to it in the next day or so (and no, it will not halve your word count).
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 02:11
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:If anyone wants a crit from me for their story from the last week's prompt, post a link to it in the next day or so (and no, it will not halve your word count). I'm off my game, do ur werst http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=8#post424323922
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 02:24
|
|
|
sebmojo posted:If anyone wants a crit from me for their story from the last week's prompt, post a link to it in the next day or so (and no, it will not halve your word count). http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=7#post424236078 Very much appreciated.
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 02:29
|
|
|
Me please! http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=46020#post424252121
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 02:45
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 12:31 |
|
|
sebmojo posted:If anyone wants a crit from me for their story from the last week's prompt, post a link to it in the next day or so (and no, it will not halve your word count). http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3598931&userid=183392#post424357505 I would appreciate any feedback.
|
|
#
?
Jan 16, 2014 02:46
|
|