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Rirse posted:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQrBSO74DzA Would play the living hell out of this.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:10
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Butt Ghost posted:As someone who has never played either of those games, I was unable to follow any of that. PREPARE YOURSELF l'Cie Curse: When you're cursed by a robot god, you get magic powers but they also give you a specific job to do. You can do the job and turn into a crystal (no one knows if it's reversible, turns out it is), or you can refuse the job and after some unspecified amount of time you turn into a monster (gross, not reversible). Serah: Serah accidentally walked into a robot god and got herself cursed. Her job was to get all these other people cursed, she did it and turned into a crystal. Everyone else's job was to bring down Cocoon. Cocoon: Everyone lives on the inside of Cocoon, which is a hollow artificial moon over the planet Pulse. There used to be people on Pulse but they all died off in mysterious circumstances. Bad guy: The bad guy's motivations are sort of convoluted but basically he wants to get someone else to bring down Cocoon and kill everyone, because all the robot gods are programmed to take care of humans and they don't want to do it any more. Conveniently missing from the recap: The good guys know the bad guy wants them to take down Cocoon, and they know that he's rigged himself up to the system that keeps it afloat, he directly explains to them that killing him will bring it down, but for some reason they go and do it anyway. Fang and Vanille: They're natives from Pulse who were cursed ages ago and just woke up from their crystals. Their old job was to turn into a big monster and blow up Cocoon, which they did, but it didn't come down (that's why there's a big hole in it though). When Cocoon falls at the end of FF13, they turn into the monster again and try to hold it up. Ending 1: When everyone turns into crystals for finishing their jobs, Fang and Vanille's energy beams (or lava spouts or whatever it was, I forgot) all solidify into a crystal pillar that Cocoon sits on. That's what the logo is on the box art. Cocoon no longer has power so everyone migrates down to Pulse. Also missing from the recap: Everyone turned into crystals but then the goddess Etro felt bad for them and immediately turned them back. New Cocoon: Hope, a literal child, designs and builds a new version of Cocoon for everyone to live in, because the pillar is doomed to eventually collapse and take out half of Pulse. This isn't particularly important. Etro's eyes: A person with Etro's eyes can see visions of the future, but the visions cause seizures. If the timeline gets changed, it causes one massive vision of all the changes and the seer dies. Yeul has the eyes, and Serah gets them as well at the start of 13-2. Yeul: Every time Yeul dies, she is reincarnated. Caius: He became Yeul's (creepy obsessive) bodyguard at some point, and was so good at it that Etro (the goddess) gave him her own heart, which makes him live forever. Time is cyclical too, so he goes through all of time several times. He protects every incarnation of Yeul until she dies in his arms, which is obviously pretty depressing. His end goal is to gently caress up the fabric of space-time itself so he can chill in an undying limbo with his forever-teenage girlfriend. Paradoxes: Caius creates paradoxes to weaken space-time and also to lure time travelling player characters into his apocalypse scheme. A couple of them are actual time travel paradoxes, but mostly they're just unexplained Bad Happenings and you need to Do Something. Noel: Noel is the next in line to inherit Caius's horrible job. If Caius quits, he is supposed to kill him (no one else can kill him) and take Etro's heart. Ending 2: Caius gets Noel to stab him in the heart (you get to choose whether Noel actually goes through with it or not, and hilariously the recap goes with the "refuse" option where he just walks up and impales himself, and it counts anyway). Caius lives on through the power of Chaos (which is some whole other bullshit that the next game is all about) but Etro herself dies because, you know, it was her heart that got stabbed. Etro had been keeping up the separation between the World and the Unseen World (again, some other bullshit for later), so now all the Chaos is leaking in and everyone's hosed. Serah sees the new future and keels over. I AM BECOME DATALOG
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Jan 29, 2014 20:30
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chumbler posted:That is a masterpiece. Whoever made it perfectly captured how incredibly stupid the plot of 13-2 is and the random jumps in 13. There is a palpable loathing for the source material all over it. It's SE NA's offical Youtube account.  Anyone know if they released a chiptune version of Caius' theme?
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Jan 29, 2014 20:34
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This needs to be line one of the OP. The "I cannot bear this." makes it. Regarding Caius' role and relation to Yeul, I think he was intended to be basically Yeul's father and ended up looking like her creepy immortal boyfriend through terrible writing. At least I want to believe that, because that would make him much more sympathetic and tragic than "I don't know, guarding her is my job I guess and it sucks that she keeps dying." And if that were actually the case then someone competent would have realized the parallels to Sazh and we'd have had 13-2: The Adventure of Sazh instead.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:43
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That video did a lot better job of explaining XIII-2 than the actual game did. XIII was a bit incomprehensible, though. They know we like the style of Final Fantasy VI, but decided to poo poo all over the mobile port anyway. They've got a Dragon Quest Monsters game that earns a million dollars a day in Japan, but with Final Fantasy they just farm it out to the cheapest developer.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:46
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Pesky Splinter posted:It's SE NA's offical Youtube account. Caius, I have an idea. Get Yuel some velcro shoes and teach the poor girl how to swim.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:53
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Oh wow! Final Fantasy XIII is loving stupid.  Pesky Splinter posted:It's SE NA's offical Youtube account.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:56
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Aurain posted:Would play the living hell out of this. Yeah. I would pay full price ($60) for a 16-bit port of FFXIIIs 1-3.
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Jan 29, 2014 20:59
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That summary of FFXIII-2 is the most amazing thing. Seriously. "Snow, I can't stay, be careful!" "(Snow gets no lines)" is the best. Caius has become TRIPLE BAHAMUT. ImpAtom fucked around with this message at 21:03 on Jan 29, 2014 |
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Jan 29, 2014 21:00
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You can make jokes at something's expense without loathing it, you realize. That recap was hilarious but going SQUEENIX HATES FF13, JUST LIKE ME is dumb. They just have a sense of humor.
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Jan 29, 2014 21:09
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ImpAtom posted:That summary of FFXIII-2 is the most amazing thing. Serah drops dead. Noel: Oh no.
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Jan 29, 2014 21:10
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Pesky Splinter posted:It's SE NA's offical Youtube account. Whenever someone ask for a plot synopsis of XIII-2 just post this gif Also from the recap: 
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Jan 29, 2014 21:49
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Butt Ghost posted:Oh wow! Final Fantasy XIII is loving stupid. It is loving stupid but I'd say if you describe any Final Fantasy plots in a paragraph or two it's going to come out stupid. It's a kind of stupid I enjoy. And I'm excited for Lightning Returns because of that. Don't let this stop you from playing 13 or 13-2 though. It's enjoyable if you're into that kind of ridiculous thing. That youtube video though really does capture it in such a great non serious way. dreffen fucked around with this message at 22:17 on Jan 29, 2014 |
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Jan 29, 2014 22:14
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dreffen posted:It is loving stupid but I'd say if you describe any Final Fantasy plots in a paragraph or two it's going to come out stupid. Final Fantasy XIII is a pretty special kind of stupid. That said this isn't entirely wrong. Trying to describe, say, FFIX would involve "turns out that Zidane is a genetically engineered space alien from another dimension created to destroy Earth but he has amnesia."
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Jan 29, 2014 22:17
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They put more work into an FF13 retrospective than the FFVI IOS port.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:19
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ImpAtom posted:Final Fantasy XIII is a pretty special kind of stupid. And then a blue thing appears and it's Iifa Tree or something.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:23
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Harlock posted:They put more work into an FF13 retrospective than the FFVI IOS port. I think that's what everyone should take away from all of this.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:25
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Not just the port, more effort than basically everything Final Fantasy related in the past decade.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:26
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Tempo 119 posted:PREPARE YOURSELF Is it bad that after reading all of that, and seeing people play the Lightning Returns demo, that I'm actually kindof tempted to get the game? It...it might be fun to watch the batshit insane plot unfold and the gameplay looks like it might be fun, too.  EDIT: Have not played XIII or XIII-2.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:27
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dreffen posted:It is loving stupid but I'd say if you describe any Final Fantasy plots in a paragraph or two it's going to come out stupid. Final Fantasy 1 is the story of a bunch of dudes who kill a guy and then go back in time to kill him again.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:28
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Xad posted:Is it bad that after reading all of that, and seeing people play the Lightning Returns demo, that I'm actually kindof tempted to get the game? It...it might be fun to watch the batshit insane plot unfold and the gameplay looks like it might be fun, too. Play the demo yourself. If you enjoy it then it can't hurt, but play the demo first.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:29
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Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is the tale of a boy who wants to stop his wheelchair bound little brother from being able to walk so badly he destroys the entire world. Maybe.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:30
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Xad posted:Is it bad that after reading all of that, and seeing people play the Lightning Returns demo, that I'm actually kindof tempted to get the game? It...it might be fun to watch the batshit insane plot unfold and the gameplay looks like it might be fun, too. I think if you were to try to like, catch up (in whatever sense), in the 13 series 13-2 would be a fun stupid thing to plow through if you've got the time. Having played through 13 and 13-2 I have to say I was glad to have gone through them just to have gone through them. Aurain posted:Not just the port, more effort than basically everything Final Fantasy related in the past decade. It's the 13 series and FFXIV reboot that ARE SAVING VIDEO GAMES (and online video games), guys. edit: Final Fantasy 7 is a story about an emotional cripple. Plus the planet is alive and some guy really hates the planet and wants to hurl a meteor at it because he has mommy issues. Though you could probably just end it with the emotional cripple part. dreffen fucked around with this message at 22:33 on Jan 29, 2014 |
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Jan 29, 2014 22:31
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A group of freedom fighters attempt to take down a power hungry and corrupt Empire while a young girl discovers what it means to fall in love until their world is shattered and they need to save it from a demigod.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:47
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Harlock posted:A group of freedom fighters attempt to take down a power hungry and corrupt Empire while a young girl discovers what it means to fall in love until their world is shattered and they need to save it from a demigod. "A group of people are cursed by an evil demigod to destroy their home and attempt to rebel against their fate." That accurately summarizes the FFXIII plot but avoids all the ridiculous goofy poo poo that makes it so dumb. The thing is that if you do the same for other games, well... "Also it turns out the young girl is actually half-monster because her mother traveled to another dimension and had sex with a monster before she turned traitor and helped the evil empire capture the monsters so they could use them as a power source for their giant robots." That said I can't actually think of a simple one-sentence summary of FFXIII-2's plot. "A boy and a girl travel through time to rescue the protagonist of the previous game" maybe? ImpAtom fucked around with this message at 22:52 on Jan 29, 2014 |
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Jan 29, 2014 22:49
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Harlock posted:A group of freedom fighters attempt to take down a power hungry and corrupt Empire while a young girl discovers what it means to fall in love until their world is shattered and they need to save it from a demigod.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:52
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Livingtrope posted:Final Fantasy 1 is the story of a bunch of dudes who kill a guy and then go back in time to kill him again.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:54
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ImpAtom posted:See, you can describe FFXIII just as easily as you did as well.  I was trying to make it sound kind of cool, but yeah, you can never boil anything down to that much simplicity.
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Jan 29, 2014 22:56
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ImpAtom posted:That said I can't actually think of a simple one-sentence summary of FFXIII-2's plot. "A boy and a girl travel through time to rescue the protagonist of the previous game" maybe? "A boy and a girl receive the limitless power of time travel and use it to visit one city three times and talk exclusively to people they already know"
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Jan 29, 2014 23:04
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dreffen posted:Caius is basically immortal so he gets to see the oracle die a bunch, eventually says "gently caress this poo poo" and decides to destroy time I just wanna make sure people realize that this isn't a flippant recap. Caius literally growlscreams the sentence "I AM GOING TO DESTROY TIME ITSELF". He's the only good part of that stupid game
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Jan 29, 2014 23:05
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dreffen posted:It is loving stupid but I'd say if you describe any Final Fantasy plots in a paragraph or two it's going to come out stupid. You're a guy who gets fired for feeling bad about stealing and go off to blow up some town. After recruiting the little girl whose mother you murdered, you go collect monster dung to revive your dehydrated girlfriend so she can teach the little girl to burn things. Then you help another guy punch stuff until your best friend steals your girlfriend and a sea monster ruins your day. You go to the place where you murdered a bunch of people and the leader sends you to climb a mountain with two five-year-olds, after which you become a holy man while the old guy learns how to kill stuff with space rocks. You go murder the fake king while the children petrify themselves and go to a magnetic cave to beat up an elf so you can take a crystal to a floating tower and rescue your girlfriend. While inside the tower, the old man pelts the villain with space rocks and dies. Then you go underground, meet the little girl who somehow aged ten years in ten days, and watch some guy jump off an airship and blow himself up mid-air, only to survive. Then you get a claw on your airship and recruit a ninja who becomes more powerful after fighting his monster parents. Then your best friend becomes brainwashed again and you have to take a spaceship to the moon where you meet your moon uncle who tells you to go back to your home planet and blow up a mechanical giant, which you do. Upon which you discover the antagonist is your brother and you have to go back to the moon and beat up the real bad guy, some racist moon jerk. Then you do so and everything's happily ever after until Square-Enix decides to ruin a perfectly sensible story with a sequel. I don't see how any of that is stupid. 
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Jan 29, 2014 23:11
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Livingtrope posted:Final Fantasy 1 is the story of a bunch of dudes who kill a guy and then go back in time to kill him again. As opposed to Final Fantasy 8, which is the story of a bunch of dudes who go forward in time to kill a girl again.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:14
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Great Lakes Log posted:I just wanna make sure people realize that this isn't a flippant recap. Caius literally growlscreams the sentence "I AM GOING TO DESTROY TIME ITSELF". He's the only good part of that stupid game Destroy time itself by way of killing God. You know, like most good RPGs.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:14
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You all are forgetting about FFII, FFIII, FFIV, and FFV. FF2: Star Wars, but in medieval times. FF3: Some kids find a mystical crystal and gain super powers, then learn they are on a floating island and that the rest of the world has been flooded because of a shirtless man. They undo the flood, then kill the shirtless man and murder a being made out of darkness for the hell of it. FF4: A loyal soldier goes rogue after doing a really bad thing. This is a good idea, because his brother is trying to use his nation to awaken an evil mech that can destroy everything. His best friend keeps betraying him because of a mixture of being easy to brainwash and emotional insecurity issues. For some reason, his friends keep sacrificing themselves, but always live. At the end, he blows up the mech and travels to the moon to kill an Geiger-esque monster. FF5: A drifter combines forces with an old man in a meteor, a teenage girl, a cross-dressing woman, and a 12 year old to stop a tree in fancy armor from destroying crystals. They fail and must travel through a universe that consists of random art assets from previous areas mixed together in order to destroy the tree man before he destroys everything.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:16
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You are a teenager with a magical adoptive sister who mind controls you into the past to put you in the mind of your father while he bangs the mother of the girl you want to bang and then you kill a witch from the future.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:16
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After your friend's sister gets killed by an rear end in a top hat on the order of your brother, you give up your noble title, become a mercenary, fight the church and god, and die ignobly. Meanwhile you friend becomes king by backstabbing his way up the ranks.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:21
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Some rear end in a top hat won't hold the bucket steady so you can fight a monster.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:25
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Your dad is a space whale and you are the dream of a dead nation. That's really the only important or interesting part of the plot. Edit: Okay challenge mode in this summarizing game is Dissidia and Duodecim. chumbler fucked around with this message at 23:48 on Jan 29, 2014 |
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Jan 29, 2014 23:31
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You can't pay for coffee on your monthly allowance.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:42
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You saved the world. Your reward is fetch quests from every single person. Also something about your imaginary boyfriend. You are an adventurer in an adventurer-based economy, so you show up and end up saving the world from bad guys from previous games. Everyone you meet is sex-obsessed.
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Jan 29, 2014 23:42
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