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It says 'User CP' and I immediately think of the other kind of CP, which I'd never 'use' as I'm not a pedo. literally shaking right now
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Aug 16, 2014 08:11
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 20:38 |
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Cheese pizza.
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Aug 16, 2014 08:11
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"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac. Every six months, Staples performs an employee review on me and gives me anywhere between a $0.30 and $0.50 raise. This last review, my "upsells" were so high that the manager bumped me up $0.65. The trick is to target older customers and mislead them on their purchases. Thus, it only took me seven weeks to afford a pair of Toto elevator shoes, which added five more inches to my height. The problem is that the shoes don't do much once you sit down, so I've also been growing my hair out and using Axe molding clay to stand it straight up, which adds several more inches. All-in-all, I'm pretty close to my goal of adding another foot to my height. Women love it. "These are really great breadsticks," I complement the breadsticks. I keep eating them because, hey, free food. "Nom nom nom...hah!" She doesn't get it. Actually, I can't help but notice that my date sits a little straighter (and therefore higher) than me. As I try to fit an entire breadstick into my mouth and chew it without also biting my tongue, I carefully eyeball the top of her head. She follows my eyes and touches her hair. "What?" she asks. I squint and chew harder. Louder. Faster. I lean in. She smells like...cinnamon? No, nutmeg. It's hard to tell. My nose is stuffed up so I have to keep my mouth open while I chew. I suddenly imagine the ball of bread rolling around in my mouth like a load of dirty laundry and it makes me want to throw up. "I'll be right back," I jump up from my seat and jog to the restroom. When I get there, inspiration strikes me like a bolt of divine lightning. "Eureka!" I start balling up paper towels and stuffing them into the back of my pants--I think I fit half of a roll down there. Then I waddle back to the table and quietly take a seat. She looks mildly shocked. Or perturbed? I don't know, women are hard to read. "Are you...are you alright?" she asks. "Who? Me? Yeah. Of course." My rear end crunches softly on stiff brown paper towels while I use her forehead as a ruler and try to estimate the height that they have added to my position. Maybe an inch--not bad, not bad. I lean forward. "Do you think there's a difference between, like...anime and manga?" Suddenly a sharp pain hits my stomach. The breadsticks. They're interacting with the pot of lukewarm coffee I drank earlier. I wince as I feel a burning sensation running through my intestines like a G-scale model train. An "uh oh..." escapes my lips before I can stop it at the proverbial gates. I don't think I'm going to make it to the bathroom. But the paper towels. "...spaghettiooooos..." I force a smile. I imagine a beleaguered General Adama facing down a whole Cylon army with nothing but a handful of fighters and flak guns. He meditates on the coming battle before finally saying, Alright, here goes nothing, Colonel Tigh. I close my eyes, hesitantly relax my rear end, and immediately feel a warm burbling rise up between my legs, just like I sat down in a pool of sun-baked mud or bread dough. The sensation persists for what feels like an eternity--the duration of which I am entirely silent. When it ends--mercifully--I let out a soft sigh. When I open my eyes, I realize something very strange: I have risen another inch or so and am now looking slightly downward at my date. It is the most shocking and beautiful thing I could ever conceive of. They say, "When god closes a door, he opens a window." I don't believe in god, but if I did, I'd swear he was with me that day.
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Aug 16, 2014 08:13
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^ Cromulent Post
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Aug 16, 2014 08:14
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cock.... penis..?
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Aug 16, 2014 08:41
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idgi
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Aug 16, 2014 08:42
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"For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge-I am the man who will now tell you." The chief engineer was the only one able to move; he ran to a television set and struggled frantically with its dials. But the screen remained empty; the speaker had not chosen to be seen. Only his voice filled the airways of the country-of the world, thought the chief engineer-sounding as if he were speaking here, in this room, not to a group, but to one man; it was not the tone of addressing a meeting, but the tone of addressing a mind. "You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words had no meaning. You have cried that man's sins are destroying the world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness to practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists of sacrifice, you have demanded more sacrifices at every successive disaster. In the name of a return to morality, you have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to faith. You have sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed self-esteem to self-denial. You have sacrificed happiness to duty. "You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then, do you shrink in horror from the sight of the world around you? That world is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it, you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I-I am the man who has granted you your wish. "Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have deprived your world of man's mind. "Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who do. The mind is impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose
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Aug 16, 2014 08:45
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oh is it Catholic Pope...? I dunno I hear Francis only likes the animals though
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Aug 16, 2014 08:46
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i think it's oval office pants
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Aug 16, 2014 08:51
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cat piss
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Aug 16, 2014 08:57
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Ban OP for impure thoughts
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Aug 16, 2014 10:05
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cerebral palsy
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Aug 16, 2014 10:44
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Aug 16, 2014 11:46
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You should kill yourself and then they should rename it usersm.php in your memory. They could also use userbp.php (bad poster) (or blood pressure since you are likely fat)
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Aug 16, 2014 12:01
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naem posted:"Which Friends character are you most like?" I ask my date. I'm a witty guy who uses humour as a disarming mechanism (and, some might say, as a tool to masking my crippling insecurity), so I'd most likely be Chandler. But I'm smart like a scientist, so I could also be Ross. Finally, I'm klutzy and adorable--just like a Golden Retriever--so there are certainly hints of Joey inside of me. "I'm basically Chandler, Ross, and Joey." I loudly proclaim this fact, because confidence is an aphrodisiac. i wish cream of plenty would go back to making posts like this
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Aug 16, 2014 12:35
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Aug 16, 2014 12:42
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i came here hoping to rub one out but i can't even get an erection in this thread
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Aug 16, 2014 13:08
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this just triggered me...
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Aug 16, 2014 13:49
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bazinga
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Aug 16, 2014 13:55
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i still don't understand what they meant by the usercp is my primary something something interface post
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Aug 16, 2014 13:55
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crap post
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Aug 16, 2014 13:57
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 20:38 |
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John Kruk posted:You should kill yourself and then they should rename it usersm.php in your memory. gently caress you i'm slender
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Aug 16, 2014 14:50
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