Mercedes posted:

I loving hate it when judges take forever to make the PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMPT!!!!!!

Entenzahn posted:

Noir.

sebmojo posted:

in like the cork in the mostly empty whisky bottle i've just pulled out of the broken bottom drawer of my private investigator desk as the smokin hot dame with the legs that are really long like almost freakishly, disturbingly so, walks in isn't

leekster posted:

Good Luck in All Your Future Endeavors - 963 Words

Emergency flares and neon lights gave the skyline a diluted sharpness as the invasion of Beirut began. this is a good opener, paints a picture elegantly and swiftly Philip placed a hand on the window overlooking the city and tried to make sense of the past few hours. just get on with it

He had failed a hit. A high up dreadful vague phrase, and it should be hyphenated if you have to use it (you don't) in the ultra nationalists who? who was gathering the protesters to turn violent. His objective had been to take him and smuggle him out of Beirut before sun down. The target wasn’t in the apartment complex. Instead Philip found himself in a gunfight with six under trained hyphenate this or it becomes rather dada ultranationalists i am picturing them as ultramarines from games workshops warhammer 40000 fyi. This wouldn’t have been issue if the news crew hadn’t been prepped to crash the building. Now footage of an American man hulking over dead natives was being played on every TV that supported the nationalists, and secretly being watched in every bar that hated nationalists. This was the tipping point. jesus dude will you look at what you are loving doing with tenses in this para. he's standing and remembering then he's explaining then he's summarising then he's jumping out to what might not have happened if a thing hadn't happened JUST THEN (when?) then giving us the high up view then coming back to a little bit ago. i'm exhausted even thinking about it. Why not tell us the story you just summarised instead of this one it sounds fun though

He didn’t care about the locals. His worries were instead focused back home. i'm ready for this guy to stop pondering tbqh No doubt his handler knew he had failed even before the broadcast. who's this handler guy? some guy, i presume? Some last minute tip that the target had fled that didn’t reach him who? in time arrived just to tell him that Philip would not be successful. this is an example of where para breaks are critical; if you read this as a single para then the next bit makes no sense; it's a different thought, give it its own place to hang out. and stop pondering plz If Philip was ten years younger this wouldn’t be an issue. what wouldn't be an issue Salt and pepper betrayed his youthful physique. whose, philip or some guy He was well past fifty, the normal age of retirement for most workers in his sector. He was worried about a file. One with his real name on the front. Thick and creased from years of work. A large stamp slamming it fat and in big red letters saying “Denied Asset”.

If they WHO were quick his retirement could happen right now. A strobe of light flashing somewhere in front of him, then a softer sound than the crash of mortars dude a 747 crashing is prob a softer sound than the crash of mortars, they're very loud would arrive. Finally you're doing it again with the tenses and the pondering fyi a bullet would rip through his throat. If it didn’t entirely decapitate him, he’d have a precious half minute to wonder about tenses? who pulled the trigger oh. Ricky WHOOOOOOOOO was somewhere in Laos, and though he who? bragged he who? always hit the head each and every one of his whose kills was IDed instantly. wut It’d probably be Suzie, a tall woman with a tall gun. He hoped it’d be her anyway, she always shot clean.

Liquid splashed behind him and he remembered where he was. he must have a headache from all that pondering, also i will bet you could cut every word up to here and the story will be better for it. we'll see if i'm right. The penthouse bar of the Hotel American. A safe haven for every expat and wetwork agent in Beirut. He gave the shadow another second to take its shot before he turned away to the bar. The bartender was slow in getting to him. Plenty of other agent’s work had been ruined because of him so he didn’t get angry at being kept waiting. The bartender caught his eye and made his way over.

“Compliments of the lady at end,” and he placed down a Manhattan in front of Philip.

A cute choice for whoever would want to kill him. A last mention of his childhood home, where he went to school, of his family before the poison seeped into him and choked him slowly. uh oh feel a ponder coming on Philip grabbed the drink and raised to here where, mouthed cheers, and drank it in one gulp. Nothing too unusual, the same muted flavor of the barkeep watering it down. She who smiled back. Clean teeth but not perfect, there was a chip in the bottom left canine. philip has the eyes of a snow falcon Her hair was mousy, though it fit who she was. dude i know exactly what you mean no wait i actually don't, don't emptily gesture like this; instead try and describe a quality in the way someone acts Philip wondered if he knew her. All the “seductresses” were always changing, a deadly chimera. He hoped it was someone he knew. He had been kind to. whaaat

A few minutes passed and nothing got him. He moved seats near her and opted to get drunk. waaaat o u motherfucker was all that pondering just so you could skip anything interesting

-

Philip left the bar without his new friend. Not an act of nobility on his part of a want to keep her out of harm’s way. But rather he just wanted her to get him drunk so he could face the night ahead. Languid steps brought him closer to the elevator. A heavy stumble brought him into the cage. It caught him and he turned to look at the buttons. Usually he’d hold the close key and the floor he was going to so he’d skip all other floors and chances of being caught vulnerable. Maybe go up or down one if he was paranoid. Now he just watched it. Another opportunity for retirement walked in next to him.

“Three please,” the man in silk dress shirt said. No noticeable bulges or protrusions. Knuckles bore no scars. It would be a knife if he was going to retire Philip. good observations

“Sure thing,” Philip pressed the button. The minute shift in weight to bring his body forward would be the perfect opening for the man to drive a blade into the small of his back. Then as Philip gasped and clawed at the door he’d bring the blade back out and drive it into the base of his skull, giving it a final twist to scramble the brain stem. It would be quick and clean. Philip appreciated the simplicity of it. Philip leaned forward and the man in the silk shirt drew snub nosed .38. The barrel looked ugly, thick and bulbous. Integrally suppressed of course. oh, no don't loving just give us what we expect that is so intensely goddam dull

“You were a good agent Philip,” the man said as he brought the hammer back. “But we all have to retire someday.” BORING

Philip turned to him, palms turned towards him and arms raised. TEDIOUS

“I know. You’ll be a legend for this.” Philip said. WHO CARES

-

The door opened to the lobby. An Israeli spy whose entire career had been ruined by the invasion of Beirut got on and pressed the button to go to the penthouse. The smell of disinfectant told him that a retirement party had just happened. The hotel didn’t have a custodial staff. The guests were more then prepared to deal with any messes they made. SHUT UP

right, this is a deserved loser, but you've actually got some quite decent words here, and a lot of your egregious wtf errors are quite easy to fix by not doing crazy tense gymnastics, paragraphing and proofing better and actually showing us something happening.

and have a goddam ending. remember: there are only two things you can do in art. give people what they expect, or give them what they don't expect. artistry is in knowing which to do, and when.

The Saddest Rhino posted:

The Saddest Rhino posted:

Megazver posted:

Edgar Allan Poe, the awkward awkwarder teenage years.

The Saddest Rhino posted:

I HAVE GOT CRITS IN AND IT IS TIME TO BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOURSELF

The Saddest Rhino and Muffin posted:

Hilarious crits

Benny Profane posted:

The Difference Between Noir and Hardboiled

crabrock posted:

Learn 2 straightrazor

takes a beard off like nothing, and no razorburn