simplefish posted:

code:

RED BULL
    TEAM - poopzilla

aequalis posted:

I don't know whether to be glad I didn't get randomly selected or sad about it.

Also, I think Carbonate and NicktheNorse should be highlighted as thread MVPs due to their affiliation with F1. Just throwing it out there.

simplefish posted:

code:

TRACKS
    AUSTRALIA: Melbourne 	15 March
    keevo

Butt Wizard posted:

Jesus Christ i have the most important one. How much do you want?

simplefish posted:

Can someone with archives pull up and post the teams/drivers summary from 2011, please? That one had good sections.

They can be a bit longer than those were if you want, so 150-400 words as a rough guide (not a hard limit) (regardless of team, driver, or track). 120 as a minimum even if you got a nobody driver, just quote their Formula Funsies results if you can't think of anything else.

And don't forget to send in those pics/links!

Wirth1000 posted:

Sebastian Vettel - 2010 World Champion, oval office.
1/10

Mark Webber - Worst starter in F1, likeable bloke.
8/10



Lewis Hamilton - Over-aggressive, needs to calm the gently caress down.
7/10

Jenson Button - The Moist Master, nice guy.
9/10



Fernando Alonso - Perfection, very political, .
10/10

Felipe Massa - Once good then got brained, remote controlled by Rob Smedley during races.
6/10



Michael Schumacher - Once a legend, now slowed by the extra weight of the life support system he lugs around in the car. BECAUSE HE'S OLD, GET IT?
5/10

Nico Rosberg - Son of 1982 World Champion Chain Smoker Keke Rosberg, former model, may not have been formerly a model.
8/10



Bruno Senna - Nephew of Ayrton Senna, nicest guy in F1, untapped potential. Replaced Nick Heidfeld mid-season.
8/10

Vitaly Petrov - First Ruskie in F1, massively improved over his rookie season.
7/10



Rubens Barrichello - Old, very old. Still kind of good but sapped by a poo poo Williams.
7/10

Pastor Maldonado - Massive paydriver, literally a personal friend of Hugo Chavez and a strong supporter of his politics, genuinely believes national politics has a place in sport. Surprisingly improving as the season goes on. Still kind of poo poo.
4/10



Adrian Sutil - Once hailed as quick as Lewis & Co. up front, impressive drives in the past, continues to drift into obscurity by sticking to a single stagnating team, needs a new place to stretch his legs and get reenergized.
6/10

Paul di Resta - Scot who identifies more with his Italian ancestry than tartan, big rear end loving neck holy poo poo, some great rookie performances god drat that neck his huge like a loving tree trunk huge.
7/10



Kamui Kobayashi - Best Japanese driver of all time, never lets go a chance to pass, energy sapped this season by poo poo car.
7/10

Sergio Perez - Ferrari Jr driver, impressive at start of season, kind of drifted into anonymity later on.
6/10



Sebastien Buemi - Once hailed as Webber's replacement, now slowly drifting into obscurity with some terrible drives.
5/10

Jaime Alguersuari - Massive tool oval office.
1/10



Jarno Trulli - Way past his prime.
4/10

Heikki Kovalainen - Fast Heikki is not so fast in slow car, very upbeat and positive about the future, forehead is as big as di Resta's neck.
7/10



Vitantonio Liuzzi - Some people are surprised Jarno gets a drive but gently caress who keeps giving Vitantonio one?, ridiculous.
1/10

Daniel Ricciardo - Replaces human failure Karthikeyan, extremely promising rookie tarnished by a horribly desperate move to HRT which will stigmatize him just as it did Bruno.
5/10



Tim O'Glock - Irish sensation, greatest driver in F1 and has been described as the very life of the party, the world is a better place with him in it.
11/10

Jerome d'Ambrosio - Once promising in junior categories ignoring a stump in performances which nearly cost him his career, starting to fall back into the slump. Once e-brake pitstop'ed.
3/10

Daveh posted:

I was going to take a shot at a new thread, but I've been beaten. Seeing as I wrote some words, I feel the need to jab them into your eyeballs.

-------------

Formula 1 is the top-tier of motorsport. The cars drive quickly and can turn right and left. Occasionally they crash. Mostly they do not.


Red Bull Racing
2010 World Constructors Champions.
A soft-drinks company that purchased Jaguar Racing to enter Formula 1 as a marketing exercise. Currently schooling "real" racing teams on how it's done.
To work at a high-level in RBR you must have an annoying voice (see Christian Horner and Adrian Newey)

Sebastian Vettel.
2010 World Drivers Champion.
* Young, blindingly fast when leading from the front.
* Questions remain as to whether he can overtake as he's never really had to in F1. Has made a couple of good overtakes in the last couple of races to suggest that yes, he can in fact overtake.
* Has a habit of pointing a finger in an incredibly irritating manner when he wins, which is all the drat time.

Bad Luck Australia's Mark Webber.
* Used to be fast, and still is when it's perfect for him.
* Qualifies well, starts badly. Typically will start 2nd and be 6th by the first corner.
* Skull is trying to escape through his face.


Vodafone McLaren Mercedes
Used to be run by Ron Dennis and used to win a lot, but were irritatingly corporate. Now run by Martin Whitmarsh and don't win as much but are much more likeable.

Lewis Hamilton
2008 World Drivers Champion
* Very fast when not crashing into people or getting called to see the Stewards.
* Gets easily frustrated.
* Is black.

JEN SON BUT TON
2009 World Drivers Champion
* Overtakes more than anyone else, but is forced to due to lovely qualifying.
* Has an incredibly hot girlfriend and a cool dad.
* Everyone likes him. Except that guy.
* On a drying track is untouchable.


Scuderia Ferrari
The oldest team on the grid. Capable of making hilariously amateur mistakes, but are always there or thereabouts.

Fernando Alonso
2005 and 2006 World Drivers Champion
* Amazingly fast
* Seems unable to deal with a fast teammate (see Hamilton/McLaren in 2007)
* Has massive eyebrows.
* Can win in an imperfect car.

Felipe Massa
* Drove for Sauber - was poo poo
* Drove for Ferrari - was a bit poo poo
* Continued driving for Ferrari - was good and was 2008 World Drivers Champion for 8 seconds before Glock got paid.
* Got hit in the face by a 1kg spring at 180 mph, wasn't killed.
* Continued driving for Ferrari - is a bit poo poo.


Mercedes GP Petronas Team
Bought 2009 World Constructors Champtions Brawn GP at the end of 2009 for the 2010 season. Not yet achieved their potential. Perennial 4th place in the WCC.

Nico "Britney" Rosberg.
* Will win races.
* Has gorgeous hair.

Michael Schumacher
1994, 1995, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 World Drivers Champion
* Used to be the best in the world and ruthless
* Retired in 2006
* Returned in 2010 and was poo poo
* Got a hell of a lot better during 2011.

Lotus Renault
"Evil" Lotus - owned by an investment company, heavily involved with Lotus Cars, over the last couple of years have only shown glimmers of their former performance.

Viatly Petrov
* Russian and looks like a Vulcan.
* Used to race Ladas
* Tried to fly an F1 car. Failed.

Bruno Senna
* Nephew of Ayrton Senna
* Drove for HRT so nobody could tell if he was completely poo poo.
* Turns out he's probably not completely poo poo.

AT&T Williams
One of the oldest and most established teams on the grid. On a constant downward slide since splitting from BMW and are currently only ahead of the new teams. Chances are they will stay there for a while.

Rubens Barichello
* The most experiences F1 driver of all time.
* Was Michael Schumacher's bitch at Ferrari and holds a massive grudge.
* Moans a lot now and should probably retire. WIlliams could well replace him with another pay driver for next year.

Pastor Maldonado
* Has a lot of oil money.
* Isn't very good
* Has a lot of oil money.

Force India F1 Team
Jordan-Midland-Spyker-Force India are solidly midfield, nibbling on the heels of the top teams but never quite getting there.

Adrian Sutil
* Highly rated for some reason.
* Punched a Genii Cap guy in the face in China. Allegedly.
* Has a lot of hair
* Should be faster.

Paul DiResta
* Rookie, but is reigning DTM Champion
* Is Scottish, despite name.
* Will be snapped up by Mercedes or McLaren soon enough


Sauber F1 Team
Sauber were bought by BMW who ran the team for a couple of years and then pulled out and soled the team back to Peter Sauber.

Kamui Koybyashi
* Given the vaguest opportunity will chuck a car into a gap that doesn't really exist
* Will make it about 70% of the time.
* Makes rookie mistakes.

Sergio Perez
* Rookie with flashes of great speed.
* Had massive crash in Monaco qualifying and missed the race the following day as well as the following race.

Scuderia Toro Rosso
Used to use the same chassis as sister team Red Bull until that was banned. Solid midfield team

Sebastian Buemi
* Scary eyes

Jaime Alguersuari
* Is releasing an album (seriously)
* Was a bit poo poo, questions were asked as to whether he would be fired.
* Suddenly found extra speed

Team Lotus
Only related to Team Lotus by name. Run by Tony Fernandes and extremely likeable.

Jarno Trulli
* Whines an awful lot - more than Frank Williams vetoes.
* Quick on a single lap, slow when there's more than one - a problem for an F1 driver.
* Has a contract for 2012 and therefore must have the best agent ever.

Heikki Kovalainen
* Nicknamed Fast Heikki
* Is not.
* Plays golf too much.


HRT F1 Team
New for 2010. Terrible.

Daniel Ricciardo
* Rookie
* Red Bull protege
* Currently proving to be about as good as his more experienced teammate.

Tonio Liuzzi
* Highly rated, has never really delivered.
* "Racing" for HRT as a last resort and will never be picked up by a higher team.

Marussia Virgin Racing
New for 2010, tried to developed a car without using a wind tunnel. Failed. So badly that HRT beat them. Jesus.

Timo Glock
* Used to drive for Toyota and was pretty quick
* Why is he driving for goddamn Virgin?!?

Jérôme d'Ambrosio
* Is Belgian

quote:

Michael Schumacher - Once a legend, now slowed by the extra weight of the life support system he lugs around in the car. BECAUSE HE'S OLD, GET IT?

quote:

Daniel Ricciardo - Replaces human failure Karthikeyan, extremely promising rookie tarnished by a horribly desperate move to HRT which will stigmatize him just as it did Bruno.
5/10

td4guy posted:

quote:

2015.
It was the dawn of a new age.
Honda has returned to Formula 1.

(In)famous (for his autism) Ron Dennis hopes to rekindle the unholy alliance that dominated the sport from 1988-1991. No stone was left unturned at McLaren after Ron Dennis took back the reigns after the disastrous previous years in the hands of Martin Whitmarsh. Together with racing director Eric Boullier they culled the weak (Sam Michael) and poached the strong (Podromou). The former head aero genius at the no good cheating drink company's rolling marketing Red Bull now controls the winds at a proper racing focused engineering team. Alas, in pre-season testing the team managed only 1751 km or 28% of Mercedes. Rumours say the Honda power unit is unreliable and breaks down all the time but clearly they are just sandbagging to lull their competitors into a false sense of security.

Ron Dennis' final coup to bring it all together on track was liberating Fernando Alonso from the stifling incompetency of a red painted Spaghetti team. In an uncharacteristically smart decision, most likeable British Tory racing driver Jenson Button was retained another year instead of a tool called K-MAG.

simplefish posted:

code:

FERRARI
    TEAM - Ghost of Mussolini
    VETTEL - Butt Wizard
    KIMI - Diplomat

Butt Wizard posted:

Jesus Christ i have the most important one. How much do you want?

harperdc posted:

NOTICE ME

If only because I'm bored tonight and want to write, I can handle all of the tracks from Canada on unless that's frowned upon in which case I'll write about a couple to be chosen later.

quote:

Malaysia's Sepang circuit was the first of a new breed of Asian and Tilke tracks. Its debut was so long ago, in fact, that none of the current crop of drivers took part in the first F1 race there, not even old man Jense, and Max Verstappen was but a twinkle in his father's test tube. The circuit's known for two things: The two massively long straights, punctuated by hairpins that were to become a Tilke staple, and the death of Moto GP racer Marco Simoncelli.

The Malaysian GP has established itself as the second race of the season, where it takes all the hope and chaos brought on by Australia, and... doesn't really do much with it. While it hasn't necessarily produced many memorable races per se, there have been plenty of key moments to make you think "Oh yeah, I remember that":

1999: What turned out to be Eddie Irvine's last win in F1 as his frankly bizarre title challenge hit its peak, abetted by his able rear-gunner Michael Schumacher in his return to action after delighting the Silverstone crowd earlier in the year.
2002: Schumacher and fan-favourite Juan Pablo Montoya had a moment; Schumacher went on to finish third, his worst result of the year (those were the days). Ralf Schumacher won the race. Honest.
2004: This was apparently Jenson Button's first podium finish, for BAR, finishing third behind Schumacher and Montoya. This is a second sentence to make it look like I've written up more about it.
2007: Fernando Alonso's first win for McLaren. If he returns in time for Malaysia this year he'll be hoping to make it his first win for McLaren.
2009: One of the few times in F1 history half-points were given out, and I think the most recent, as it was abandoned about half-way through due to rain. Moist Master Button won, while Rubens Barrichello took the fastest car in the field by some margin all the way up to fifth. Behind two Toyotas.
2012: Part of the craziest season in recent memory, Sergio Perez (remember him?) nearly won the race, charging after Alonso before promptly falling off the road. He still finished second.
2013: The establishing of Lewis Hamilton as the top dog in the Mercedes pack, the team ordering Nico Rosberg to stay behind the former's slightly ailing car. History has proven this to be the point where Rosberg's brain snapped, culminating in his rather embarrassing title challenge of 2014.

As for this year, look out for Alonso's re-debut, and to see if half the teams on the grid can afford to turn up for a second race.

Rev. Dr. Moses P. Lester posted:

Took me a minute to figure out this was the username assignment for the writeups, and not just a free form random insult against Ferrari, Vettel and Kimi.

El Hefe posted:

Nico Rosberg did 759 laps during the 12 days of testing

Dudley posted:

To be fair, Wherlein had 2 teams to do it with.

HJB posted:

Here's my Malaysia thingy then. I can't really do funny for tracks (or at all, but tracks especially) so I went with facts instead. Oh yeah, notice me and all that.

Rev. Dr. Moses P. Lester posted:

Took me a minute to figure out this was the username assignment for the writeups, and not just a free form random insult against Ferrari, Vettel and Kimi.

keevo posted:

Are we really going to let a bunch of goons write this? This is really going to be the worst OP.


Ah poo poo. I don't even remember signing up for this or wanting to sign up for this.

harperdc posted:

NOTICE ME

If only because I'm bored tonight and want to write, I can handle all of the tracks from Canada on unless that's frowned upon in which case I'll write about a couple to be chosen later.

The Sweet Hereafter posted:

I think you'll find I have the most important one.


I'd love to do few track writeups too, if nobody else is interested? If only because it might give me a chance to wax lyrical about Belgium.

Ilanin posted:

I was going to pick out some tracks as well as Force India. However, somebody with more sense of humour than me needs to write about the German Grand Prix, and discuss whether or not it will take place in Germany.

aequalis posted:

I don't know whether to be glad I didn't get randomly selected or sad about it.

Also, I think Carbonate and NicktheNorse should be highlighted as thread MVPs due to their affiliation with F1. Just throwing it out there.

Brainwrong posted:

I know what NickTheNorse does / did but what does the Carbon chap do?

El Hefe posted:

he's a track marshall

Brainwrong posted:

How's he affiliated to F1?