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In.
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Mar 17, 2015 17:05
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| # ? Apr 16, 2024 13:21 |
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Hell yeah, totally in
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Mar 17, 2015 17:09
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In
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Mar 17, 2015 17:32
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In.
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Mar 17, 2015 18:16
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 Abstract Speed + Sound by Giacomo Balla Words: 1138
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Mar 17, 2015 18:33
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gently caress it, in.
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Mar 17, 2015 18:34
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Bompacho posted:What this guy said.  The Dog by Francisco Goya Words: 544
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Mar 17, 2015 18:38
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Comrade Question posted:In, gently caress me up. Welcome to the thunderdome! I will do a line crit for you since this is your first time.  A Bigger Splash by David Hockney Words: 601
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Mar 17, 2015 18:46
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 Dawn/Water Poem by Ralph Hotere Words: 931
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Mar 17, 2015 18:50
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Ancient Blades posted:in, could you give me something trippy and weird? please no dogs playing poker  Flag, 1954-55 by Jasper Johns Words: 1283
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Mar 17, 2015 18:57
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PootieTang posted:IN like Flynn.  The Geographer by Vermeer Words: 1223
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Mar 17, 2015 19:00
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 Cueva de los Manos by cavemen Words: 839
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Mar 17, 2015 19:04
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In, throw me an awful painting to write awful words about.
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Mar 17, 2015 21:36
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In. Cool prompt by a cool judge (give me a good painting).
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Mar 17, 2015 21:37
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Noah posted:In.  The Opening of the Fifth Seal (The Vision of St John) by El Greco Words: 1350
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Mar 17, 2015 21:40
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ZeBourgeoisie posted:In for the first time in a long time.  Still Life Before an Open Window by Juan Gris Words: 616
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Mar 17, 2015 21:43
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Maugrim posted:Nope, not gonna accept a punishment based on a false accusation. Benny hasn't submitted his entry and the deadline hasn't passed yet. I understand. It's tough being a baller, some people can't cut it. It's not your fault.
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Mar 17, 2015 21:44
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Capntastic posted:In for the kill  Self Portrait by Gustave Courbet Words: 661
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Mar 17, 2015 21:46
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 Opus 217. Against the Enamel of a Background Rhythmic with Beats and Angles, Tones, and Tints, Portrait of M. Félix Fénéon in 1890 by Paul Signac Words: 1466
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Mar 17, 2015 21:51
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I'm in.
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Mar 17, 2015 23:03
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Crits Week 136 pt. 1 1. Screaming Idiot ft. Obama & Friends Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? It’s really more of a commentary I thought you lost it there when it was revealed to be a story within a story and that was disappointing. But then you got it back! This story was exactly how I felt like this week would go: kooky, zany, political. You went over the top and you did it pretty well. But I don’t know how much I care for this as a stand alone story. I believe you accomplished what you set out to do but this doesn’t have a whole lot of “weight” to it, if that makes sense. We’ll see how the rest of the week goes. Interesting opening to this prompt. 2. SurreptitiousMuffin ft. Martin Luther Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yeah Is there a story present? Yes, but not a particularly strong one Your opening paragraph is muddy in my mouth. You could rephrase it to read much smoother. That being said, I like it. I like the imagery a lot. Your fight scenes really oscillated between good and bad here. There were bits I liked, that I felt like advanced the story, that were useful to understanding the motivations and emotions etc etc. And there were bits where you were clearly transcribing the sweet movie scene you were seeing in your head. Your ending was weak. I don’t think you amped up the powah enough to top it with a pithy one liner and a sentence about heaven weeping. 3. Entenzahn ft. Kurt Gödel Do I know your famous person? No Should I? Yeah... Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? No Wonderful, wonderful opening line. Great economic choices. In under 20 words I was sucked in, I was interested, I knew the setting, I knew the tone, and I had an idea of the character. Very nice. I mean, honestly, this was pretty well written all the way through. gently caress I even like the idea. The problem I have with it, though, is that you don’t actually say much. We get a bunch of little vignettes that are loosely tied together by Kurt’s fear of death. This, in of itself, wouldn’t be a problem if they showed any sort of character development. Kurt seemed very much the same at the beginning as he did in the end. Maybe this was an intentional choice. Some kind of math throw in that I failed to pick up on. But I don’t think so. And even if it was you didn’t set it up enough to pull it off. 4. Noah ft. Houdini & Cpt. Max Pruss HM Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? No Do you have an interesting introduction? It’s okay Is there a story present? Yes “But Pruss was a German” was a nice line. I liked that one. Lemme just say, I don’t feel like you fulfilled the prompt. I liked your ending. I think it was a good choice and your wording was excellent. Left me with a great feeling. Really, really loved it. But you didn’t gimme that last day of a famous person’s life you were supposed to. I don’t understand Pruss and Houdini’s relationship. You give me one line about Pruss seeing Houdini as a kid but the escape artist had a diminutive pet name for the captain. Did you mean for there to be more? It feels like there should be more. You do a nice jump writing the action sequences. I could see them unfolding in my mind. Very predictable but very satisfying at the same time. Strong ending. 5. Broenheim ft. Van Gogh Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? No Is there a story present? No “He just wanted to see things like he did before. The stars burning bright, lighting up the dark sky into swirls of blue and white. The spires of mountains and churches climbing up towards the glowing moon. A sleeping town, with the only sign of life being a couple windows shining, but never as strong as the stars. Those images were forever burned in the canvas of his mind. He was trapped back then. When he looked out over that town, freedom burned as strong as the drinks. Now he was cold.” That is quite well-written. Quite poetic. I think this what you were aiming for for your entire piece. You missed the mark more than you hit it. But here, here you got it. That’s nice. Keep it. Treasure it. The rest is slop. No plot here. No really story. Just some (historically inaccurate) waxing on about Van Gogh’s last day. No reason to be engaged. No reason to give a poo poo. But! With that being said, I feel like you are improving as a writer. 6. DXH ft. Jose Marti Do I know your famous person? No Should I? Arguable Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? No Is there a story present? Yes Don’t start a story with the character waking up. It's bad form. Don’t point out the super sweet symbolism of a character’s name. When you do that, what you're really doing is either pointing out your contempt for your audience’s intelligence or highlighting your own “cleverness.” Naw bruh. Not cool. Not ever. Now, I do recognize Angel was actually named Angel de la Guardia in real life but pointing that kind of poo poo out is still irritating. Don't do it. Your title sucked but I would have had no idea who your dude was without it. Why did the fat dude never get a name? He showed up enough to get a name. Your prose is clumsy. You need to get out of “movie mode” where you try and script everything out how it would be seen on a screen. The death didn’t feel symbolic and it should have. Or should it have? I don’t know. What was the point of this? Were you simply retelling the real death of Jose Marti? Why would you do that? Why not make it significant in some way, shape or form? I find the utter lack of significance the most damning fault of this piece. 7. Jitzu_the_monk ft. Tupac Shakur Do I know your famous person? Yes Should I? Yes Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Yes Is there a story present? Yes You succesfully completed the requirements of the prompt. This more than a lot of people can say. You had a lot of fun writing this and it shows. It’s fun. The video game progression of unlocking beats doesn’t really work here, though. Nor do the rhymes themselves. They didn’t sound real. They certainly didn’t sound ill. Rap can be a difficult thing to read because it is so beat and breathe dependent. I struggled to find the meter. The final, climatic battle was nice. The ending was unclear. Did Pac suicidebomb them both? Was he reaching for Biggie’s destruct switch? Did Evil Robot Biggie power on and kill Tupac before he flipped the switch? Was Pac satisfied in his decision because as he set the explosion he saw the Biggie was back to being evil and therefore knew he had done what needed to be done to end the cybernetic threat? NO IDEA 8. Paladinus ft not Napolean I Do I know your famous person? [strikethrough]Yes[/strikethrough] No Should I? No Do I see the last day of their life? Yes Do you have an interesting introduction? Nope Is there a story present? Nah Just cuz you do a crazy dude who thinks he’s a famous dude doesn’t mean you wrote about a famous dude. I think you just tried to be too clever. Your ending reeked of this really great “point” that you never actually made. You had the framework but failed to have anything inside it. Did you have a much grander idea for this story that you had to cut due to word/time constraints? That’s what it feels like. Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 23:17 on Mar 17, 2015 |
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Mar 17, 2015 23:07
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Broenheim posted:Hell yeah, totally in  Beat the Whites with the Red Wedge by El Lissitzky Words: 869
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Mar 18, 2015 01:41
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 Judith Beheading Holofernes by Caravaggio Words: 602 newtestleper fucked around with this message at 01:48 on Mar 18, 2015 |
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Mar 18, 2015 01:45
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In and that
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Mar 18, 2015 01:48
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ty 4 crit trex
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Mar 18, 2015 02:09
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 Tiger Riding Ukelele Man by Henri Rousseau (Le Douanier) Words: 1463
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Mar 18, 2015 02:14
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Megazver posted:gently caress it, in.  Glenrowan by Sir Sidney Nolan Words: 776
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Mar 18, 2015 02:43
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Screaming Idiot posted:In, throw me  Figures and Dog in Front of the Sun by Joan Miro Words: 600
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Mar 18, 2015 03:21
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Walamor posted:In. Cool prompt by a cool judge (give me a good painting).  House of Cards by Zinaida Serebriakova Words: 1004
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Mar 18, 2015 04:24
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Tyrannosaurus posted:I'm in.  Traffic Cop Bay by Bill Hammond Words: 650
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Mar 18, 2015 04:40
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CancerCakes posted:In and that  Just What Is It That Makes Today's Homes So Different, So Appealing? by Richard Hamilton Words: 968
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Mar 18, 2015 04:47
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I am your second judge.    Extras for experts: you may request flash rules from me, but they will not be easy flash rules. Oh no no no.
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Mar 18, 2015 06:35
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CancerCakes posted:I understand. It's tough being a baller, some people can't cut it. It's not your fault. ill still brawl you bro 500 wds come at me
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Mar 18, 2015 06:55
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newtestleper posted:Welcome to the thunderdome! I will do a line crit for you since this is your first time. Hey, thanks in advance.
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Mar 18, 2015 09:30
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:
I politely request a flash rule from you, you raisin-infested, squishy, innutritious downgrade of a cupcake.
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Mar 18, 2015 10:28
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Entenzahn posted:I politely request a flash rule from you, you raisin-infested, squishy, innutritious downgrade of a cupcake.
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Mar 18, 2015 10:41
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Mar 18, 2015 11:11
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:I am your second judge. I'm not an expert but I'm going to take one of these because why the gently caress not
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Mar 18, 2015 14:51
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:
Down for this.
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Mar 18, 2015 15:06
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in
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Mar 18, 2015 16:10
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