Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

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Jonked: Feb 15, 2005

In with Electro Velvet's "Still In Love With You"

# ? May 5, 2015 07:24

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 18, 2024 03:57

skwidmonster: Mar 31, 2015; THUNDERDOME LOSER

IN with a

, doing Azerbaijan - Hour of the Wolf. As part of the toxx, I'm also tossing in my promised Barbarian Interprompt story. Anybody new who wants an easy practice crit is welcome. Or anyone in general, I guess.

# ? May 5, 2015 08:10

skwidmonster: Mar 31, 2015; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Sitting Here posted:

Mercasaurus Rex Brawl

Also sweet baby james I can't wait to watch this motherfucking brawl.

# ? May 5, 2015 08:14

Benny the Snake: Apr 11, 2012; GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

skwidmonster posted:

Also sweet baby james I can't wait to watch this motherfucking brawl.

You and me both, man. Kick his rear end, Mercedes

# ? May 5, 2015 09:01

newtestleper: Oct 30, 2003

In with Latvia - Love Injected

# ? May 5, 2015 09:27

Sundance Shot: Oct 24, 2010

I was too nervous to post. :toxx:

failed.

(USER WAS BANNED FOR THIS POST)

# ? May 5, 2015 10:38

Wangless Wonder: May 27, 2009

Sundance Shot posted:

I was too nervous to post. failed.

believe in you are self. tell me the tale of the smelly wizard

# ? May 5, 2015 11:29

Radical and BADical!: Jun 27, 2010; by Lowtax; Fun Shoe

I have to redeem myself from the lovely, boring and pointless story I submitted last week so IN mothafuckas.

Please also pick me a song, the stupider the better.

# ? May 5, 2015 14:22

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

Imo 60 people should submit stories this week.

# ? May 5, 2015 14:46

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

I would like to write a story about Sweden's Heroes as told by M�ns Zelmerl�w

# ? May 5, 2015 15:26

skwidmonster: Mar 31, 2015; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Benny the Snake posted:

You and me both, man. Kick his rear end, Mercedes

gently caress that noise, Tyranno gonna bring the pain!!

# ? May 5, 2015 15:41

Grizzled Patriarch: Mar 27, 2014; These dentures won't stop me from tearing out jugulars in Thunderdome.

In with France. :france:

# ? May 5, 2015 16:58

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

hit me with 2 different songs, and i will mash those fuckers together like you wouldn't believe.

# ? May 5, 2015 17:13

Killer-of-Lawyers: Apr 22, 2008; THUNDERDOME LOSER 2020

crabrock posted:

Imo 60 people should submit stories this week.

give me a random song because I'm in.

crabrock posted:

email me at crabrock at gmail if you want me to buy you an avatar. if you have one in mind, send me the link, if not tell me what you want or just let me go hog wild, i don't care.

Thanks! Go hog wild and all that. :homebrew:

# ? May 5, 2015 17:54

JcDent: May 13, 2013; Give me a rifle, one round, and point me at Berlin!

Every year I write barely coherent sentences about Eurovision that pass as jokes. I'm in, hit me with a country!

# ? May 5, 2015 19:05

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi: Mar 26, 2005

Actually gently caress, I'm an idiot and completely forgot I'm going to be away this weekend for a wedding, so I need to back out

Sweden is back up for grabs to anyone who wants it

# ? May 5, 2015 19:42

JcDent: May 13, 2013; Give me a rifle, one round, and point me at Berlin!

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi posted:

Actually gently caress, I'm an idiot and completely forgot I'm going to be away this weekend for a wedding, so I need to back out

Sweden is back up for grabs to anyone who wants it

I'll take it!

# ? May 5, 2015 20:06

TheGreekOwl: Mar 1, 2014; THUNDERDOME LOSER

Well, not suprised that I wrote the worst. I was sleep deprived when I had to submit this, or risk not posting in the deadline.

...wait does that mean my avata- sweet, free avatar.

Anyways, I am in, and I would like to request a song, preferably from my homecountry (Its in the name).

I swear that I will also try to write like a normal human being from this point on.

# ? May 5, 2015 20:56

PoshAlligator: Jan 9, 2012; When SEO just isn't enough.

Are sign ups still open? I keep forgetting to check this thread on new prompt day. Hit me with a random country if so!

# ? May 6, 2015 01:09

Kaishai: Nov 3, 2010; Scoffing at modernity.

They're open until Friday! Random song assignments will be given out starting on Thursday. 'Til then, kick back and enjoy some Eurovision classics.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 07:56 on May 6, 2015

# ? May 6, 2015 01:17

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

Wangless Wonder here's your crit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AnQhTH9OFpKZKBDUq9E3on4m01gxCD-65TweAv0Yvd8/edit?usp=sharing

Once again, great work! I really did love your story.

# ? May 6, 2015 02:05

Blue Wher: Apr 27, 2010; The Smart Baseball Dargon Sez:

"Baseball is chaos!"

His bat is signed by Carl "Yaz" Yastrzemski

Kaishai posted:

They're open until Friday! Random song assignments will be given out starting on Thursday. 'Til then, kick back and enjoy some Eurovision classics.

Lordi is a poor man's Gwar. :laffo:

I haven't watched much Eurovision (too poppy for the most part), but I'm still pretty fond of 2007's winner

Also, I'm totally tooting my own horn here, but, unlike last week, I'm already on a full second draft of my entry!

# ? May 6, 2015 02:13

Profane Accessory: Feb 23, 2012

In with

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1td70yaoS8

# ? May 6, 2015 04:01

Wangless Wonder: May 27, 2009

Broenheim posted:

Wangless Wonder here's your crit

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AnQhTH9OFpKZKBDUq9E3on4m01gxCD-65TweAv0Yvd8/edit?usp=sharing

Once again, great work! I really did love your story.

thank you so much! I was worried this one would flop because I ran out the clock on it even more than usual and submitted after like 4 hours of writing without even a re-read. you guys show a great amount of effort that I will try to match by submitting my first ever second draft this week. :toxx:

# ? May 6, 2015 04:22

Entenzahn: Nov 15, 2012; erm... quack-ward

Kaishai posted:

Judges: Kaishai and two others to be announced. Watch this space.

HOST COUNTRY REPRESENT

-----

Super special :siren:

Austria flash rules

are available (for those who dare).

# ? May 6, 2015 10:01

Tyrannosaurus: Apr 12, 2006

I'm in. Choose for me.

# ? May 7, 2015 03:02

Benny the Snake: Apr 11, 2012; GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

Oh poo poo, it's another random Bennycrit! :siren:

This one's for dmboogie, whose entry impressed me for the simple reason that somebody else is watching Netflix's Daredevil :hfive:

dmboogie posted:

Rogue's Eyes
(1243 words)

The earliest thing Vi could remember was ~~from when she was still a child,~~ when the thick red cloth tied around her eyes was still strange and uncomfortable Oh hi there, not-Daredevil! . She sat on the cold, stone benches of the church with the other initiates, and even though there were nearly fifty in the chamber, not a whisper could be heard as they listened.

"You will become tools to keep our holy city from harm." Their teacher said, his voice deep and commanding. I'm only gonna say this once--dialogue is not an independent clause, therefore it cannot be its own sentence. I"m gonna instead put up an asterisk every time I see it from here on out."But know this: being a tool will not absolve you of your sins. You will be robbed of your sight not only as a means to strengthen you, but as a means to atone, as well. You will remove your blindfold only when you kill. You will commit every single detail of their face to memory, so you may never forget your crime." "You will be robbed of your sight to atone, you will atone by killing, you will kil by removing your bilindfold to commit every single detail of the heretic to memory."

-

Now, Vi uncomfortably shifted in her seat, the obscenely soft cushioning in the head priestess's chamber preventing her from comfortably sitting up at attention. "I'm sorry to say that one of your fine people has gone rogue, my dear." * The priestess said, not sounding the least bit sorry. "Just up and left, taking a fair amount of guardsmen with him. I guess he finally got tired of the job." ~~She paused, and even without sight, Vi could imagine the grin of one who believed themselves to be clever.~~ Vi could imagine a too-clever grin on her face.

"You'll go along and send him a nice little retirement package, won't you, dear?" * The priestess chucked throatily, and it was all Vi could do to stop herself from gagging at the stench of her sickly sweet perfume. Do what?

-

Vi had been lost in the maze for over a day now~~, with neither food nor water to sustain her~~ starved and thirsty. No matter how many hours she spent wandering the endless stone halls, she had come no closer to finding the exit. Preoccupied ~~as she was~~ with her own misfortune, Vi walked straight into another dead end~~, and fell to the floor with a curse.~~ as she fell down to the floor, cursing.

Starving, dehydrated, and miserable, Vi remained on the ground, lacking the will and the strength to get back up. The words of her teacher came back to her. "You must learn this city's streets down to the smallest detail, every alleyway, every rooftop. Feeling the stone beneath your feet will guide you as surely as any map."

Remembering this, she slowly got back to her feet, returning to the junction from which she came. Though she had not noticed it before, the stone under her bare feet was different in one direction. The difference was subtle, but it was there. With new vigor, Vi pressed on.

-

She had been across this route hundreds, if not thousands of times. After slipping into an alley, Vi climbed up the side of the butcher's shop, her hands instinctively finding each familiar crack and protrusion as she made her way to the roof. Taking off at a run, she leapt to the next building, perfectly gauging the gap in-between~~. It was a thrill like no other to soar through the cool night's air, traveling on a road of her own.~~ , thrilled to soar through the cool night air, traveling her own secret path.

-

The wooden staff slammed into Vi's stomac~~h, and with a grunt of pain she fell to the ground, winded.~~ . Grunting in pain, Vi fell winded to the ground. "You must hone your hearing until you can hear my weapon as it swings through the air. In time, you will be able to gracefully dodge any blow." * Her teacher said, his unseen presence looming above her. He offered Vi a hand, and she took it, pulling herself to her feet. "Again." Vi readied herself. Oh hi there, not-Stick!
Merge these two paragraphs together
The bruises wouldn't even begin to fade for a week.

-

~~Metal ground on metal, and Vi stopped dead as she heard the sword being drawn out of its sheath.~~ This sounds really awkward. Try "Vi stopped dead at the distinct sound of metal grinding on metal--someone had drawn a sword. Her target had anticipated her route, and posted men along the rooftops. Clever. Vi easily sidestepped the blade as it swung down towards her. ~~Her assailant's grunt of exertion was all she needed to aim a~~ Hearing him grunt, Vi aimed a heavy kick at his stomach. He wheezed and his sword clattered on the ground.
Merge these into a single paragraph
Vi pressed her advantage, and with a swift chop to the neck the man collapsed on the roof with a heavy thud. Unconscious or not, ~~he was down for the moment, and~~ it was improper to kill one you weren't hunting. Sudden shift into second person Vi continued across the rooftops.

-

In her later years of training, Vi took to sneaking out of her quarters at night. One night, out in the church's yard, Vi just happened to overhear a conversation between her teacher and the head priestess ~~while she was crouching hidden in a nearby bush~~. She couldn't miss an opportunity to perhaps learn more about her enigmatic teacher. Even after all those years, Vi knew very little about the man who had so guided her development as an assassin.

"I do not understand, Sister. What threat does this man pose to our city?" * Her teacher said, the first time Vi had ever heard him with even a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

"Why, you're asking the wrong question, my dear man!" * The priestess laughed throatily. You had an opportunity here to add characterization. "You should be asking what our beloved city can gain from his death! Oh, he's harmless, but think of the profits! That's just as good as protecting the city, isn't it?"

"As you say, Sister." * Her teacher replied, ~~but his voice was cold.~~ his voice cold.

-

Vi reached her destination with no further incident, ~~apart from a few more guards that now littered the rooftops, unconscious~~ aside from the unconscious guards littering the rooftops.. She dropped down from the roof to ~~a windowsill, which she found unlocked~~ an unlocked windowsill. Vi slipped inside the building, one hand on her dagger, but before she could proceed further the room she was stopped mid-step by a familiar voice. "Halt." Vi froze, unconsciously standing up straighter.

Her former teacher sighed. "I had hoped for more time, but- no, she would have spared no expense in tracking me down." Vi tensed as she heard a dagger being drawn, ~~but he simply said~~. "Do not worry. I will not fight you," he said and tossed it aside. "I used to believe, you know. I mourned each I killed, but it was for a purpose. Not to line the church's pockets." He spat.

Vi couldn't move or speak, torn between her duty and her loyalty to the man in front of her. He broke the silence for her. "Do what you came here to do, Vi." He said. "There is no longer any escape for me, and I would rather my death be at your hands than one of her honorless dogs."

For the first time in years, Vi removed her blindfold. In front of her stood a tall, stern man, gray-bearded and clad in a red cloak. He untied his own blindfold, and Vi gazed straight into his gray eyes. In them she saw anger, defiance, and perhaps a tinge of pride for what his training had wrought. "I'm sorry." Vi said. He remained silent, and after ensuring that she had memorized every feature, every emotion on his face, Vi plunged her dagger into his heart.

Vi remained until he was still. After one final look at her teacher's cold face, she re-tied the cloth around her eyes. She had much to contemplate. Now that just sucked out all the emotion.

-

"Do sit down, girl. You make me nervous, just standing there." The head priestess's laughter abruptly stopped when Vi threw her blindfold to the floor.

The Daredevil compassion was there for a reason. Blind ninja, mentor issues, deep-seated issues with religious institution. You had your own spin, but you're way, way too verbose and all those needless words suck all the sense of drama out of the story. Your over-use of words also robs the sense of conflict of a young Templar assassin who's coming to terms with how the institution she's been sworn to serve is now corrupt after drawing first blood by killing her own mentor. Just remember to be brief and you'll be fine next prompt, one Horn-Head fan to another.

# ? May 7, 2015 07:51

Dr. Kloctopussy: Apr 22, 2003; "It's time....to DIE!"

TheGreekOwl posted:

Well, not suprised that I wrote the worst. I was sleep deprived when I had to submit this, or risk not posting in the deadline.

...wait does that mean my avata- sweet, free avatar.

Anyways, I am in, and I would like to request a song, preferably from my homecountry (Its in the name).

I swear that I will also try to write like a normal human being from this point on.

If you find me on IRC when I am in the right mood, I will give you a pre-crit before you submit. (It's not uncommon for newbies to get pre-crits, just making a personal offer)

# ? May 7, 2015 08:18

dmboogie: Oct 4, 2013

Benny the Snake posted:

Oh poo poo, it's another random Bennycrit!

This one's for dmboogie, whose entry impressed me for the simple reason that somebody else is watching Netflix's Daredevil

I.. have never watched nor read anything Daredevil related. :ohdear:

Still, thank you ever-so-much for the linecrit!

# ? May 7, 2015 10:06

Erogenous Beef: Dec 20, 2006; i know the filthy secrets of your heart

Feeling dangerous? This week, you have an opportunity to spin :ducksiren:

Beef's Frequent-Flyer Roulette Wheel of Eternal Discomfort. :ducksiren:

How to play:
Before signups close (i.e. Friday night PDT), sign up for the Wheel by posting, in-thread, " :siren:

Spinning da wheel! :siren:

". Do not forget the Sirens, for they call to me in ways which give men shame. You will receive a Frequent-Flyer Roulette Wheel flash rule within 24 hours of posting. Use it in your story.

How to ~~lose horribly you losing loser~~ "win":
If you have chosen a song from a country I've visited within the last 18 months, I'll give your story special attention when writing my crits. Expect your crit to be longer and more detailed, with pull-quotes and poo poo. (15 countries qualify for this "prize")

If you have chosen a song from a country I've lived in, you're guaranteed to receive a full line crit. (3 countries qualify)

All other countries, tough luck, hope you enjoyed your flash rule.

# ? May 7, 2015 14:01

Lily Catts: Oct 17, 2012; Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)

Asked Kaishai to sign me up from IRC, but I'm making it official here that I'm picking Georgia.

# ? May 7, 2015 16:01

Benny the Snake: Apr 11, 2012; GUM CHEWING INTENSIFIES

dmboogie posted:

I.. have never watched nor read anything Daredevil related.

Still, thank you ever-so-much for the linecrit!

Well, that was embarrassing. In any case, you're welcome! :tipshat:

# ? May 7, 2015 16:26

crabrock: Aug 2, 2002; I

AM

MAGNIFICENT

It's been Thursday forever. Where are my songs

# ? May 7, 2015 18:13

Ironic Twist: Aug 3, 2008; I'm bokeh, you're bokeh

Spinning da wheel, :siren:

let's hope you like-a da sauce.

# ? May 7, 2015 18:51

hubris.height: Jan 6, 2005; Pork Pro

I would like to stop being bitch made and write, I'm in. Please assign me a song.

# ? May 7, 2015 19:36

Kaishai: Nov 3, 2010; Scoffing at modernity.

crabrock posted:

It's been Thursday forever. Where are my songs

Is this the point at which I cordially invite you to borrow a few dicks from my co-judge's hoard and eat them?

Nah, it's the point at which you indecisive souls learn your :eurovision:

fates. Behold!

Broenheim will represent Moldova 2013 with Aliona Moon - "O Mie."

Wangless Wonder will represent Russia 2012 with Buranovskiye Babushki - "Party for Everybody."

bigperm will represent Slovenia 2014 with Tinkara Kovač - "Round and Round."

SadisTech will represent Ireland 2011 with Jedward - "Lipstick."

Claven666 will represent Switzerland 2014 with Sebalter - "Hunter of Stars."

crabrock will represent Ukraine 2007 with Verka Serduchka - "Dancing Lasha Tumbai" and Denmark 2013 with Emmelie De Forest - "Only Teardrops."

Killer-of-Lawyers will represent Latvia 2010 with Aisha - "What For?"

PoshAlligator will represent Slovakia 2010 with Kristina - "Horehronie."

Tyrannosaurus will represent Austria 2003 with Alf Poier - "Weil der Mensch z�hlt." Entenzahn sends his regards!

Newcomer hubris.height will represent France 2008 with S�bastien Tellier - "Divine."

Good luck! Don't forget the offers of flash rules on the table should you somehow have trouble spinning gold into more gold.

Kaishai fucked around with this message at 20:40 on May 7, 2015

# ? May 7, 2015 20:07

flerp: Feb 25, 2014

spinning da wheel :siren:

baby!

# ? May 7, 2015 20:31

newtestleper: Oct 30, 2003

Spinning da wheel! :siren:

# ? May 7, 2015 21:40

bigperm: Jul 10, 2001; some obscure reference

Kaishai posted:

Nah, it's the point at which you indecisive souls learn your fates. Behold!

For the record I was being ~~lazy~~ adventurous not indecisive.

Also :siren:

Spinning da wheel! :siren:

because I am in love with you EB for minecraft reasons.

# ? May 7, 2015 22:45

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 03:57

Entenzahn: Nov 15, 2012; erm... quack-ward

drat you beef for stealing my flash rule thunder

you will pay for this

# ? May 7, 2015 22:48

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Thunderdome 2015teen: Weekly Stories with Positive People

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