- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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Also, I think you have the flash rules switched in the prompt-post.
no idea what you're talking about
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May 20, 2015 02:49
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 19, 2024 12:56
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- Screaming Idiot
- Nov 26, 2007
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JUST POSTING WHILE JERKIN' MY GHERKIN SITTIN' IN A PERKINS!
BEATS SELLING MERKINS.
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YOU USED WITCHCRAFT
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May 20, 2015 03:00
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- guts and bolts
- May 16, 2015
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Have you heard the Good News?
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In; flash rule, please.
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May 20, 2015 03:11
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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Your villain has a secret soft spot for their nemesis.
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May 20, 2015 03:47
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- Posthumor
- Jan 13, 2015
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~amine~
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Oh yes flash rule. In?
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May 20, 2015 05:54
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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Put me IN with a flash rule!
Your villain must get the ___________ before their nemesis!
Your villain is addicted to/dependent on something. This COULD be drugs, or it could be something of your own devising. But they need their fix.
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May 20, 2015 08:07
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- Lily Catts
- Oct 17, 2012
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Show me the way to you
(Heavy Metal)
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In. Flash rule me.
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May 20, 2015 13:18
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- Overwined
- Sep 22, 2008
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Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
Make the sage frolic, and the serious smile.
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Well at least I'll have a lot of editable material. I puked out 3500 words in one sitting last night. I like it, but it needs shitloads of work and, of course, I have to go at it with the weed-whacker.
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May 20, 2015 15:48
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- blue squares
- Sep 28, 2007
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Don't be this guy http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?author=god%20of%20paradise
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May 20, 2015 16:01
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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Your villain receives a mysterious package of some sort at the beginning of the story.
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May 20, 2015 19:08
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- docbeard
- Jul 19, 2011
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Your villain receives a mysterious package of some sort at the beginning of the story.
Is it a briefcase
(Also, I'm in, and would like a flash rule)
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May 20, 2015 19:20
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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Is it a briefcase
(Also, I'm in, and would like a flash rule)
Your villain has stolen a mysterious black briefcase. So far, they haven't been able to open it.
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May 20, 2015 19:31
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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I'm In and hit me with a flash rule, because so many of them have been great.
When your villain isn't villaining, they're just trying to make this relationship work, dammit!! (they have a fraught relationship with a significant other).
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May 20, 2015 19:55
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- Overwined
- Sep 22, 2008
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Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
Make the sage frolic, and the serious smile.
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As with houspainting and sexual acts performed hastily in public bathrooms, I belong to the Slop & Mop School of Thought. I believe in brevity (and I know how to count) but it's never good to edit yourself at the moment of primal creation.
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May 20, 2015 20:16
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- Bad Seafood
- Dec 10, 2010
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If you must blink, do it now.
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Not recording Merc and myself* reading this for posterity is one of my top ten regrets in life.
Because I'm certainly not rereading it.
*Somebody else was there too but I've forgotten who, sorry bro.
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May 20, 2015 20:39
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- flerp
- Feb 25, 2014
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As with houspainting and sexual acts performed hastily in public bathrooms, I belong to the Slop & Mop School of Thought. I believe in brevity (and I know how to count) but it's never good to edit yourself at the moment of primal creation.
oh my god shut up nobody cares
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May 20, 2015 20:44
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- Overwined
- Sep 22, 2008
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Wine can of their wits the wise beguile,
Make the sage frolic, and the serious smile.
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oh my god shut up nobody cares
No need to get bitchy just because you're all constipated
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May 20, 2015 20:46
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
oh my god shut up nobody cares
Brevity is the soul of you're all poo poo
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May 20, 2015 23:23
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- flerp
- Feb 25, 2014
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hubris.height super sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner, i promised I'd do it a week ago, and then promised again that I'd have to you yesterday but then life got in the way so yeah, sorry
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MK7LZyUHkTyJ-wJ7KhXq4giYvlKwuYCULbxQbug9QgY/edit?usp=sharing
anyways if any of you chuckle-fucks want crits from last week, I'll give 'em to you if pm me or talk to me in irc. i'm only doing ones for people who ask though because im very lazy
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May 20, 2015 23:35
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- Pham Nuwen
- Oct 30, 2010
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Two short and lovely crits:
Ulterior Motives by Jonked & simplefish
What's in the brown bottle? That's the most interesting part of the story but you drop it. Chekhov weeps.
All the characterization of the two girls makes me go "ugh" for reasons I can't quite place.
Time travel is really hard to do properly and this situation is no exception. This last paragraph suddenly hits us in the face with a big handful of possible paradoxes:
quote:
Because this is where it happened. This is where, on a gloomy campus at a second-tier university, I pushed a previously-middling chemistry student to become a brilliant pioneer. Ryan would go on to develop the cure for a disease that in my past had ravaged mankind. For my now-classmates, it would be twenty-five years in their future. A cure was no good without funding, speedy approval, and a distribution infrastructure though, so I needed Marcus. And he didn't know it yet, but here was also where I'd just sat beside who I'd make the future President of the United States.
So how did she push him to become brilliant? Or did she just dump the cure into his lab results? Because it's pretty hard to turn a slacker into a brilliant scientist just by messing with his lab kit. And if she's going to college with this Marcus, he must be around 18-23. Assuming he's 20, it'll be a minimum of 15 years before he could legally become president, and realistically more like 25 years. I feel like you could get the cure pushed out a little faster than by picking a college student and following him until he becomes President.
AND that last sentence is loving awful. "here was also where I'd just sat beside who I'd make"
Trouble, Trouble by Chairchucker and dmboogie
If I knew Taylor Swift--oops, sorry, TayTay--songs, would I have understood this better? Who is the "famous-looking guy" who shows up at the end?
I kind of liked that last line, is it from a song?
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May 20, 2015 23:46
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- hubris.height
- Jan 6, 2005
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Pork Pro
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you should definitely not worry about it, i appreciate you taking any time at all to read that super boring thing i wrote.
thanks and let me know if i can ever scratch your back
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May 21, 2015 00:33
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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IN
Flash me please.
No one understands your villain's ~art~
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May 21, 2015 00:42
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- flerp
- Feb 25, 2014
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Ok, I'm just going to be giving crits for the people who are mentioned because pretty much for everyone else, your stories were middling at best and just barely better then the DMs at worse. If you did not get mentioned in the results and want a crit then ask in PM or irc like I said a million loving times already. Though I'm actually serious here if you don't get to me in a week I won't be able to crit you guys because I'll be out for awhile. So do it now, or risk never getting it.
Let's get the show on the road
first crits for people who asked:
newtestleper/Work Experience
You asked for me what I thought of the action scene. It was pretty clear, pretty loving stupid, but clear. I knew what was going on, though I don’t believe that your protag wouldve been able to headbutt someone and knock them out. Felt like one of those action movie scenes that don’t actually work in real life, but whatever, not the biggest problem. You know what the biggest problem was. gently caress you for that ending.
Simplefish - I am under the impression that losers and newbies deserve line-by-lines so you are going to get one. Congrats!!!!!
Your beginning:
I’m not going to line-by-line your opening for leaving it all behind because it just had one big problem: it was just a dude musing for a little bit and then saying he’ll do something. This was an awful opening to give to somebody, because it didn’t really give the other writer anywhere to go with it. No conflict was really established besides a vague “i have to move forward” and the rest of it was some dude just saying some poo poo about how banks suck and his wife killed himself. Also, wtf, that isn’t light hearted in the slightest, c’mon read the loving prompt.
here's the line-by-line in this doc (Jonked I'd recommend reading it as well):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
Redtonic
Your beginning crit for Ring Quest: Your beginning was definitely the stronger part of that story. You set up a clear conflict and establish character nicely, although maybe played a little too hard into the self-depreciating incompetence where it got close to being annoying. Your opening didn’t have that happen, but the ending def. did. Not bad.
Ending for Sole Survivor: Space Janitor
To be fair to you, I was the only judge that didnt have this an HM, though that’s more of a personal thing because I hate sci-fi. However, I did recognize that this was a fun, lighthearted story that wasn’t taking itself serious and that set it apart from the rest of this week’s obsession with being serious this week. It was good because it just fun story told pretty well and it didn’t work for me just because it was sci-fi. That’s just me though, so good work.
Now for my crits for all the people who were mentioned.
Well actually, first of all, for everyone this week, not just people mentioned, wtf were you thinking? The prompt said no emotional poo poo. And almost all of you gave us some emotional poo poo. Why did you think that was a good idea? Almost all of these DMs were because you missed the prompt as well as wrote something stupid. Like wtf. Also one of the HMs missed the prompt too but I liked it so
Also, just because the ending is the one that got the DM/lose doesn't mean that your beginning wasn't immaculate. Some of you idiots were still bad.
DMs
First up is Mercury Rising by Pham Nuwen and Benny Profane
The opening and beginning weren’t that great, but the ending definitely was probably worst but they are close. First problem, this is sci-fi and I hate sci-fi. Second though is that there is no tension. The stakes are incredibly low since the protag already lost her job and it just being a single rover that could be lost. Then, the action consists of techno-speak that means nothing to me, and then everything works out and protag gets her job back even though she was the one that hosed everything up. This one we didnt talk too much about in the judge chat since everyone agreed they didnt like this one but didnt go too in depth on why we hated it
The Fire and the Slave by JcDent and Jonked
The big problem is that we’re supposed to care about the slave but he just kinda sits there and acts dumb. Then the conflict is kinda stupid, like he needs to get the shield to join the army but wouldnt the army give you a shield? Still, the whole plot hinges on us believing that the slave is worth keeping but the slave does nothing and the protag doesn’t even seem to like the slave so it doesn’t make sense why he kept him. Then a god shows up and gives him a shield that wraps up the story just way too nicely in the last portion of the story. It just felt out of place and forced.
The Art Lesson by Fuschia tude and Jitzu_the_Monk
It was funny actually. In judge chat this wasn’t nominated for DM or anything but we were talking and you came up and we all realized we all hated your story. I was the one who brought you up because we were talking about endings that said “gently caress you” to the beginnings and to me yours seemed like the best example. Honestly, your DM could’ve just come from that loving toy pistol thing because that was the stupidest thing I had ever read in my life. You were given a fairly decent opening that set up a clear conflict that could’ve been interesting (although serious) and then you took it to a sort of more humorous direction which might’ve been a good call if you had stuck down that route. But no, you have your protag kill herself and join some magic painting world. I didn’t care for your characters at all, and it relied on me caring enough about the sisters to feel any emotional weight at the end of this story, but I didn’t. You didn’t develop the sister’s relationship really at all, so the ending fell flat.
Work Experience by Something Else and newtestleper
Newtestleper, you know what you did. Don’t do it again.
Birdy by Grizzled Patriarch and spectres of autism
This just disappointed me. You had a great opening and I thought it played nicely into your strengths as a writer since the stuff I enjoy of yours are when it gets intentionally silly. But this went straight from silly to bat-poo poo crazy. Like he makes a flag out of his own skin and tries to kill government officials? I’m sorry, that’s too much. This wasn’t fun to read at all when it really should’ve been.
Ulterior Motives by Jonked and simplefish
look at the line-by-line posted earlier
Thee Tends Well by Sebmojo and Fuschia tude
this DM came mostly by taking a great opening and then making GBS threads on it for some reason. The opening was clear and fun and interesting and then that transcript came and took all the fun away and made me want to punch you in the face. You took all the momemtum created by the story to make a gimmick that wasn’t interesting and really just c’mon now. There was a clear conflict and a good character and you do nothing with it and waste my time. gently caress you for that.
Very special did not get a DM but should have gotten it for his opening
Chairchucker for the beginning of Trouble, Trouble
All the judges agreed that you gave a lovely opening that made us hate the story it was in. Some of us wanted to DM the story but the DM only went to the last person. We toyed around with the idea of just DMing you, but crabrock decided not to because he explicitly said that he was only going to give it to people who deliberately wrote a poo poo opening, but he didn’t think you did. Either way, that opening was garbage and put dmboogie in a situation where he was forced to continue with your train wreck and I felt bad for him. He did the best he could, but still, don’t do that again.
Loser
spectres of autism and Thranguy
since this was a loss this gets a line-by-line (also your a newbie):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
HMs
Sole Survivor: Space Janitor by dmboogie and Redtonic
Look at Redtonic’s above
What’s Left When It All Goes Wrong by Tyrannosaurus and Djeser
Hello I was the one that made you get the HM this week. It was a tough one for me, because crabrock gave me the option to let me HM you guys cause I put you for the win, and I’m still not sure it was the right decision because it did miss the prompt and had faults. But at the end of the day, it had an ending that made me smile and hopeful and it was the story I enjoyed the most reading. It just felt good, seeing some kid lose what he thought was his life, and then have it end making me think that this kid’s going to end up all right. Sure, it was emotional, but it was still feel-good at the end of the story. It just had such a strong theme that I can’t not look back at the ending and just feel hopeful for that kid. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just a sap for those things, but it has this glimmer of hope. However, the biggest problem was that the protag wasn’t really doing anything in the story and it was mostly the dad that did everything. Despite that, I still loved it. Great work.
Winner
Mummy Got Boned by Djeser and Sitting Here
As clearly demonstrated in why Trex/Djeser got HMed, you weren’t my win candidate and I didn’t even have you HMed. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really believe the end where he sort of just falls in love with the girl randomly. But on the second read I realized that it was just a fun little story about a horny mummy and a perverted cat. In a stronger week that wasn’t full of depressing poo poo, this probably wouldn’t have won, but because everyone else poo poo in the bed and you told something fun, you got the win. You hit the prompt the best and told a lighthearted fun story that I was happy to read, so I was ok with you winning. Grats!
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May 21, 2015 02:12
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- sebmojo
- Oct 23, 2010
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Legit Cyberpunk
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Ok, I'm just going to be giving crits for the people who are mentioned because pretty much for everyone else, your stories were middling at best and just barely better then the DMs at worse. If you did not get mentioned in the results and want a crit then ask in PM or irc like I said a million loving times already. Though I'm actually serious here if you don't get to me in a week I won't be able to crit you guys because I'll be out for awhile. So do it now, or risk never getting it.
Let's get the show on the road
first crits for people who asked:
newtestleper/Work Experience
You asked for me what I thought of the action scene. It was pretty clear, pretty loving stupid, but clear. I knew what was going on, though I don’t believe that your protag wouldve been able to headbutt someone and knock them out. Felt like one of those action movie scenes that don’t actually work in real life, but whatever, not the biggest problem. You know what the biggest problem was. gently caress you for that ending.
Simplefish - I am under the impression that losers and newbies deserve line-by-lines so you are going to get one. Congrats!!!!!
Your beginning:
I’m not going to line-by-line your opening for leaving it all behind because it just had one big problem: it was just a dude musing for a little bit and then saying he’ll do something. This was an awful opening to give to somebody, because it didn’t really give the other writer anywhere to go with it. No conflict was really established besides a vague “i have to move forward” and the rest of it was some dude just saying some poo poo about how banks suck and his wife killed himself. Also, wtf, that isn’t light hearted in the slightest, c’mon read the loving prompt.
here's the line-by-line in this doc (Jonked I'd recommend reading it as well):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
Redtonic
Your beginning crit for Ring Quest: Your beginning was definitely the stronger part of that story. You set up a clear conflict and establish character nicely, although maybe played a little too hard into the self-depreciating incompetence where it got close to being annoying. Your opening didn’t have that happen, but the ending def. did. Not bad.
Ending for Sole Survivor: Space Janitor
To be fair to you, I was the only judge that didnt have this an HM, though that’s more of a personal thing because I hate sci-fi. However, I did recognize that this was a fun, lighthearted story that wasn’t taking itself serious and that set it apart from the rest of this week’s obsession with being serious this week. It was good because it just fun story told pretty well and it didn’t work for me just because it was sci-fi. That’s just me though, so good work.
Now for my crits for all the people who were mentioned.
Well actually, first of all, for everyone this week, not just people mentioned, wtf were you thinking? The prompt said no emotional poo poo. And almost all of you gave us some emotional poo poo. Why did you think that was a good idea? Almost all of these DMs were because you missed the prompt as well as wrote something stupid. Like wtf. Also one of the HMs missed the prompt too but I liked it so
Also, just because the ending is the one that got the DM/lose doesn't mean that your beginning wasn't immaculate. Some of you idiots were still bad.
DMs
First up is Mercury Rising by Pham Nuwen and Benny Profane
The opening and beginning weren’t that great, but the ending definitely was probably worst but they are close. First problem, this is sci-fi and I hate sci-fi. Second though is that there is no tension. The stakes are incredibly low since the protag already lost her job and it just being a single rover that could be lost. Then, the action consists of techno-speak that means nothing to me, and then everything works out and protag gets her job back even though she was the one that hosed everything up. This one we didnt talk too much about in the judge chat since everyone agreed they didnt like this one but didnt go too in depth on why we hated it
The Fire and the Slave by JcDent and Jonked
The big problem is that we’re supposed to care about the slave but he just kinda sits there and acts dumb. Then the conflict is kinda stupid, like he needs to get the shield to join the army but wouldnt the army give you a shield? Still, the whole plot hinges on us believing that the slave is worth keeping but the slave does nothing and the protag doesn’t even seem to like the slave so it doesn’t make sense why he kept him. Then a god shows up and gives him a shield that wraps up the story just way too nicely in the last portion of the story. It just felt out of place and forced.
The Art Lesson by Fuschia tude and Jitzu_the_Monk
It was funny actually. In judge chat this wasn’t nominated for DM or anything but we were talking and you came up and we all realized we all hated your story. I was the one who brought you up because we were talking about endings that said “gently caress you” to the beginnings and to me yours seemed like the best example. Honestly, your DM could’ve just come from that loving toy pistol thing because that was the stupidest thing I had ever read in my life. You were given a fairly decent opening that set up a clear conflict that could’ve been interesting (although serious) and then you took it to a sort of more humorous direction which might’ve been a good call if you had stuck down that route. But no, you have your protag kill herself and join some magic painting world. I didn’t care for your characters at all, and it relied on me caring enough about the sisters to feel any emotional weight at the end of this story, but I didn’t. You didn’t develop the sister’s relationship really at all, so the ending fell flat.
Work Experience by Something Else and newtestleper
Newtestleper, you know what you did. Don’t do it again.
Birdy by Grizzled Patriarch and spectres of autism
This just disappointed me. You had a great opening and I thought it played nicely into your strengths as a writer since the stuff I enjoy of yours are when it gets intentionally silly. But this went straight from silly to bat-poo poo crazy. Like he makes a flag out of his own skin and tries to kill government officials? I’m sorry, that’s too much. This wasn’t fun to read at all when it really should’ve been.
Ulterior Motives by Jonked and simplefish
look at the line-by-line posted earlier
Thee Tends Well by Sebmojo and Fuschia tude
this DM came mostly by taking a great opening and then making GBS threads on it for some reason. The opening was clear and fun and interesting and then that transcript came and took all the fun away and made me want to punch you in the face. You took all the momemtum created by the story to make a gimmick that wasn’t interesting and really just c’mon now. There was a clear conflict and a good character and you do nothing with it and waste my time. gently caress you for that.
Very special did not get a DM but should have gotten it for his opening
Chairchucker for the beginning of Trouble, Trouble
All the judges agreed that you gave a lovely opening that made us hate the story it was in. Some of us wanted to DM the story but the DM only went to the last person. We toyed around with the idea of just DMing you, but crabrock decided not to because he explicitly said that he was only going to give it to people who deliberately wrote a poo poo opening, but he didn’t think you did. Either way, that opening was garbage and put dmboogie in a situation where he was forced to continue with your train wreck and I felt bad for him. He did the best he could, but still, don’t do that again.
Loser
spectres of autism and Thranguy
since this was a loss this gets a line-by-line (also your a newbie):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
HMs
Sole Survivor: Space Janitor by dmboogie and Redtonic
Look at Redtonic’s above
What’s Left When It All Goes Wrong by Tyrannosaurus and Djeser
Hello I was the one that made you get the HM this week. It was a tough one for me, because crabrock gave me the option to let me HM you guys cause I put you for the win, and I’m still not sure it was the right decision because it did miss the prompt and had faults. But at the end of the day, it had an ending that made me smile and hopeful and it was the story I enjoyed the most reading. It just felt good, seeing some kid lose what he thought was his life, and then have it end making me think that this kid’s going to end up all right. Sure, it was emotional, but it was still feel-good at the end of the story. It just had such a strong theme that I can’t not look back at the ending and just feel hopeful for that kid. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just a sap for those things, but it has this glimmer of hope. However, the biggest problem was that the protag wasn’t really doing anything in the story and it was mostly the dad that did everything. Despite that, I still loved it. Great work.
Winner
Mummy Got Boned by Djeser and Sitting Here
As clearly demonstrated in why Trex/Djeser got HMed, you weren’t my win candidate and I didn’t even have you HMed. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really believe the end where he sort of just falls in love with the girl randomly. But on the second read I realized that it was just a fun little story about a horny mummy and a perverted cat. In a stronger week that wasn’t full of depressing poo poo, this probably wouldn’t have won, but because everyone else poo poo in the bed and you told something fun, you got the win. You hit the prompt the best and told a lighthearted fun story that I was happy to read, so I was ok with you winning. Grats!
crit mine plz boerniemh
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#
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May 21, 2015 02:51
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- blue squares
- Sep 28, 2007
-
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Ok, I'm just going to be giving crits for the people who are mentioned because pretty much for everyone else, your stories were middling at best and just barely better then the DMs at worse. If you did not get mentioned in the results and want a crit then ask in PM or irc like I said a million loving times already. Though I'm actually serious here if you don't get to me in a week I won't be able to crit you guys because I'll be out for awhile. So do it now, or risk never getting it.
Let's get the show on the road
first crits for people who asked:
newtestleper/Work Experience
You asked for me what I thought of the action scene. It was pretty clear, pretty loving stupid, but clear. I knew what was going on, though I don’t believe that your protag wouldve been able to headbutt someone and knock them out. Felt like one of those action movie scenes that don’t actually work in real life, but whatever, not the biggest problem. You know what the biggest problem was. gently caress you for that ending.
Simplefish - I am under the impression that losers and newbies deserve line-by-lines so you are going to get one. Congrats!!!!!
Your beginning:
I’m not going to line-by-line your opening for leaving it all behind because it just had one big problem: it was just a dude musing for a little bit and then saying he’ll do something. This was an awful opening to give to somebody, because it didn’t really give the other writer anywhere to go with it. No conflict was really established besides a vague “i have to move forward” and the rest of it was some dude just saying some poo poo about how banks suck and his wife killed himself. Also, wtf, that isn’t light hearted in the slightest, c’mon read the loving prompt.
here's the line-by-line in this doc (Jonked I'd recommend reading it as well):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
Redtonic
Your beginning crit for Ring Quest: Your beginning was definitely the stronger part of that story. You set up a clear conflict and establish character nicely, although maybe played a little too hard into the self-depreciating incompetence where it got close to being annoying. Your opening didn’t have that happen, but the ending def. did. Not bad.
Ending for Sole Survivor: Space Janitor
To be fair to you, I was the only judge that didnt have this an HM, though that’s more of a personal thing because I hate sci-fi. However, I did recognize that this was a fun, lighthearted story that wasn’t taking itself serious and that set it apart from the rest of this week’s obsession with being serious this week. It was good because it just fun story told pretty well and it didn’t work for me just because it was sci-fi. That’s just me though, so good work.
Now for my crits for all the people who were mentioned.
Well actually, first of all, for everyone this week, not just people mentioned, wtf were you thinking? The prompt said no emotional poo poo. And almost all of you gave us some emotional poo poo. Why did you think that was a good idea? Almost all of these DMs were because you missed the prompt as well as wrote something stupid. Like wtf. Also one of the HMs missed the prompt too but I liked it so
Also, just because the ending is the one that got the DM/lose doesn't mean that your beginning wasn't immaculate. Some of you idiots were still bad.
DMs
First up is Mercury Rising by Pham Nuwen and Benny Profane
The opening and beginning weren’t that great, but the ending definitely was probably worst but they are close. First problem, this is sci-fi and I hate sci-fi. Second though is that there is no tension. The stakes are incredibly low since the protag already lost her job and it just being a single rover that could be lost. Then, the action consists of techno-speak that means nothing to me, and then everything works out and protag gets her job back even though she was the one that hosed everything up. This one we didnt talk too much about in the judge chat since everyone agreed they didnt like this one but didnt go too in depth on why we hated it
The Fire and the Slave by JcDent and Jonked
The big problem is that we’re supposed to care about the slave but he just kinda sits there and acts dumb. Then the conflict is kinda stupid, like he needs to get the shield to join the army but wouldnt the army give you a shield? Still, the whole plot hinges on us believing that the slave is worth keeping but the slave does nothing and the protag doesn’t even seem to like the slave so it doesn’t make sense why he kept him. Then a god shows up and gives him a shield that wraps up the story just way too nicely in the last portion of the story. It just felt out of place and forced.
The Art Lesson by Fuschia tude and Jitzu_the_Monk
It was funny actually. In judge chat this wasn’t nominated for DM or anything but we were talking and you came up and we all realized we all hated your story. I was the one who brought you up because we were talking about endings that said “gently caress you” to the beginnings and to me yours seemed like the best example. Honestly, your DM could’ve just come from that loving toy pistol thing because that was the stupidest thing I had ever read in my life. You were given a fairly decent opening that set up a clear conflict that could’ve been interesting (although serious) and then you took it to a sort of more humorous direction which might’ve been a good call if you had stuck down that route. But no, you have your protag kill herself and join some magic painting world. I didn’t care for your characters at all, and it relied on me caring enough about the sisters to feel any emotional weight at the end of this story, but I didn’t. You didn’t develop the sister’s relationship really at all, so the ending fell flat.
Work Experience by Something Else and newtestleper
Newtestleper, you know what you did. Don’t do it again.
Birdy by Grizzled Patriarch and spectres of autism
This just disappointed me. You had a great opening and I thought it played nicely into your strengths as a writer since the stuff I enjoy of yours are when it gets intentionally silly. But this went straight from silly to bat-poo poo crazy. Like he makes a flag out of his own skin and tries to kill government officials? I’m sorry, that’s too much. This wasn’t fun to read at all when it really should’ve been.
Ulterior Motives by Jonked and simplefish
look at the line-by-line posted earlier
Thee Tends Well by Sebmojo and Fuschia tude
this DM came mostly by taking a great opening and then making GBS threads on it for some reason. The opening was clear and fun and interesting and then that transcript came and took all the fun away and made me want to punch you in the face. You took all the momemtum created by the story to make a gimmick that wasn’t interesting and really just c’mon now. There was a clear conflict and a good character and you do nothing with it and waste my time. gently caress you for that.
Very special did not get a DM but should have gotten it for his opening
Chairchucker for the beginning of Trouble, Trouble
All the judges agreed that you gave a lovely opening that made us hate the story it was in. Some of us wanted to DM the story but the DM only went to the last person. We toyed around with the idea of just DMing you, but crabrock decided not to because he explicitly said that he was only going to give it to people who deliberately wrote a poo poo opening, but he didn’t think you did. Either way, that opening was garbage and put dmboogie in a situation where he was forced to continue with your train wreck and I felt bad for him. He did the best he could, but still, don’t do that again.
Loser
spectres of autism and Thranguy
since this was a loss this gets a line-by-line (also your a newbie):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
HMs
Sole Survivor: Space Janitor by dmboogie and Redtonic
Look at Redtonic’s above
What’s Left When It All Goes Wrong by Tyrannosaurus and Djeser
Hello I was the one that made you get the HM this week. It was a tough one for me, because crabrock gave me the option to let me HM you guys cause I put you for the win, and I’m still not sure it was the right decision because it did miss the prompt and had faults. But at the end of the day, it had an ending that made me smile and hopeful and it was the story I enjoyed the most reading. It just felt good, seeing some kid lose what he thought was his life, and then have it end making me think that this kid’s going to end up all right. Sure, it was emotional, but it was still feel-good at the end of the story. It just had such a strong theme that I can’t not look back at the ending and just feel hopeful for that kid. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just a sap for those things, but it has this glimmer of hope. However, the biggest problem was that the protag wasn’t really doing anything in the story and it was mostly the dad that did everything. Despite that, I still loved it. Great work.
Winner
Mummy Got Boned by Djeser and Sitting Here
As clearly demonstrated in why Trex/Djeser got HMed, you weren’t my win candidate and I didn’t even have you HMed. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really believe the end where he sort of just falls in love with the girl randomly. But on the second read I realized that it was just a fun little story about a horny mummy and a perverted cat. In a stronger week that wasn’t full of depressing poo poo, this probably wouldn’t have won, but because everyone else poo poo in the bed and you told something fun, you got the win. You hit the prompt the best and told a lighthearted fun story that I was happy to read, so I was ok with you winning. Grats!
i agree crit Sebmojo
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May 21, 2015 02:58
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- Fuschia tude
- Dec 26, 2004
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THUNDERDOME LOSER 2019
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Ok, I'm just going to be giving crits for the people who are mentioned because pretty much for everyone else, your stories were middling at best and just barely better then the DMs at worse. If you did not get mentioned in the results and want a crit then ask in PM or irc like I said a million loving times already. Though I'm actually serious here if you don't get to me in a week I won't be able to crit you guys because I'll be out for awhile. So do it now, or risk never getting it.
Let's get the show on the road
first crits for people who asked:
newtestleper/Work Experience
You asked for me what I thought of the action scene. It was pretty clear, pretty loving stupid, but clear. I knew what was going on, though I don’t believe that your protag wouldve been able to headbutt someone and knock them out. Felt like one of those action movie scenes that don’t actually work in real life, but whatever, not the biggest problem. You know what the biggest problem was. gently caress you for that ending.
Simplefish - I am under the impression that losers and newbies deserve line-by-lines so you are going to get one. Congrats!!!!!
Your beginning:
I’m not going to line-by-line your opening for leaving it all behind because it just had one big problem: it was just a dude musing for a little bit and then saying he’ll do something. This was an awful opening to give to somebody, because it didn’t really give the other writer anywhere to go with it. No conflict was really established besides a vague “i have to move forward” and the rest of it was some dude just saying some poo poo about how banks suck and his wife killed himself. Also, wtf, that isn’t light hearted in the slightest, c’mon read the loving prompt.
here's the line-by-line in this doc (Jonked I'd recommend reading it as well):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
Redtonic
Your beginning crit for Ring Quest: Your beginning was definitely the stronger part of that story. You set up a clear conflict and establish character nicely, although maybe played a little too hard into the self-depreciating incompetence where it got close to being annoying. Your opening didn’t have that happen, but the ending def. did. Not bad.
Ending for Sole Survivor: Space Janitor
To be fair to you, I was the only judge that didnt have this an HM, though that’s more of a personal thing because I hate sci-fi. However, I did recognize that this was a fun, lighthearted story that wasn’t taking itself serious and that set it apart from the rest of this week’s obsession with being serious this week. It was good because it just fun story told pretty well and it didn’t work for me just because it was sci-fi. That’s just me though, so good work.
Now for my crits for all the people who were mentioned.
Well actually, first of all, for everyone this week, not just people mentioned, wtf were you thinking? The prompt said no emotional poo poo. And almost all of you gave us some emotional poo poo. Why did you think that was a good idea? Almost all of these DMs were because you missed the prompt as well as wrote something stupid. Like wtf. Also one of the HMs missed the prompt too but I liked it so
Also, just because the ending is the one that got the DM/lose doesn't mean that your beginning wasn't immaculate. Some of you idiots were still bad.
DMs
First up is Mercury Rising by Pham Nuwen and Benny Profane
The opening and beginning weren’t that great, but the ending definitely was probably worst but they are close. First problem, this is sci-fi and I hate sci-fi. Second though is that there is no tension. The stakes are incredibly low since the protag already lost her job and it just being a single rover that could be lost. Then, the action consists of techno-speak that means nothing to me, and then everything works out and protag gets her job back even though she was the one that hosed everything up. This one we didnt talk too much about in the judge chat since everyone agreed they didnt like this one but didnt go too in depth on why we hated it
The Fire and the Slave by JcDent and Jonked
The big problem is that we’re supposed to care about the slave but he just kinda sits there and acts dumb. Then the conflict is kinda stupid, like he needs to get the shield to join the army but wouldnt the army give you a shield? Still, the whole plot hinges on us believing that the slave is worth keeping but the slave does nothing and the protag doesn’t even seem to like the slave so it doesn’t make sense why he kept him. Then a god shows up and gives him a shield that wraps up the story just way too nicely in the last portion of the story. It just felt out of place and forced.
The Art Lesson by Fuschia tude and Jitzu_the_Monk
It was funny actually. In judge chat this wasn’t nominated for DM or anything but we were talking and you came up and we all realized we all hated your story. I was the one who brought you up because we were talking about endings that said “gently caress you” to the beginnings and to me yours seemed like the best example. Honestly, your DM could’ve just come from that loving toy pistol thing because that was the stupidest thing I had ever read in my life. You were given a fairly decent opening that set up a clear conflict that could’ve been interesting (although serious) and then you took it to a sort of more humorous direction which might’ve been a good call if you had stuck down that route. But no, you have your protag kill herself and join some magic painting world. I didn’t care for your characters at all, and it relied on me caring enough about the sisters to feel any emotional weight at the end of this story, but I didn’t. You didn’t develop the sister’s relationship really at all, so the ending fell flat.
Work Experience by Something Else and newtestleper
Newtestleper, you know what you did. Don’t do it again.
Birdy by Grizzled Patriarch and spectres of autism
This just disappointed me. You had a great opening and I thought it played nicely into your strengths as a writer since the stuff I enjoy of yours are when it gets intentionally silly. But this went straight from silly to bat-poo poo crazy. Like he makes a flag out of his own skin and tries to kill government officials? I’m sorry, that’s too much. This wasn’t fun to read at all when it really should’ve been.
Ulterior Motives by Jonked and simplefish
look at the line-by-line posted earlier
Thee Tends Well by Sebmojo and Fuschia tude
this DM came mostly by taking a great opening and then making GBS threads on it for some reason. The opening was clear and fun and interesting and then that transcript came and took all the fun away and made me want to punch you in the face. You took all the momemtum created by the story to make a gimmick that wasn’t interesting and really just c’mon now. There was a clear conflict and a good character and you do nothing with it and waste my time. gently caress you for that.
Very special did not get a DM but should have gotten it for his opening
Chairchucker for the beginning of Trouble, Trouble
All the judges agreed that you gave a lovely opening that made us hate the story it was in. Some of us wanted to DM the story but the DM only went to the last person. We toyed around with the idea of just DMing you, but crabrock decided not to because he explicitly said that he was only going to give it to people who deliberately wrote a poo poo opening, but he didn’t think you did. Either way, that opening was garbage and put dmboogie in a situation where he was forced to continue with your train wreck and I felt bad for him. He did the best he could, but still, don’t do that again.
Loser
spectres of autism and Thranguy
since this was a loss this gets a line-by-line (also your a newbie):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vAIV9nZoN2rpc9mNbpQVJgDSV2oC1Pr9s9N69gS1Jxc/edit?usp=sharing
HMs
Sole Survivor: Space Janitor by dmboogie and Redtonic
Look at Redtonic’s above
What’s Left When It All Goes Wrong by Tyrannosaurus and Djeser
Hello I was the one that made you get the HM this week. It was a tough one for me, because crabrock gave me the option to let me HM you guys cause I put you for the win, and I’m still not sure it was the right decision because it did miss the prompt and had faults. But at the end of the day, it had an ending that made me smile and hopeful and it was the story I enjoyed the most reading. It just felt good, seeing some kid lose what he thought was his life, and then have it end making me think that this kid’s going to end up all right. Sure, it was emotional, but it was still feel-good at the end of the story. It just had such a strong theme that I can’t not look back at the ending and just feel hopeful for that kid. Maybe it’s just me and I’m just a sap for those things, but it has this glimmer of hope. However, the biggest problem was that the protag wasn’t really doing anything in the story and it was mostly the dad that did everything. Despite that, I still loved it. Great work.
Winner
Mummy Got Boned by Djeser and Sitting Here
As clearly demonstrated in why Trex/Djeser got HMed, you weren’t my win candidate and I didn’t even have you HMed. When I first read it, I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t really believe the end where he sort of just falls in love with the girl randomly. But on the second read I realized that it was just a fun little story about a horny mummy and a perverted cat. In a stronger week that wasn’t full of depressing poo poo, this probably wouldn’t have won, but because everyone else poo poo in the bed and you told something fun, you got the win. You hit the prompt the best and told a lighthearted fun story that I was happy to read, so I was ok with you winning. Grats!
Thank you for crit(s)!
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May 21, 2015 03:20
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- flerp
- Feb 25, 2014
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gently caress you
but ok
Your beginning: like I already said with Fuschia tude's DM, this was a really good opening. It was fun, lighthearted, set up conflict and character nicely, it was really all we could ask for in an opening and then fuschia just had to ruin it.
Your ending: I really enjoyed this and toyed with nominating this for HM but there were some key problems (it didn't even matter if I nominated for HM by the way, crab and seafood were just meh on it [actually idk what they thought of it but they didn't want to nominate it], and it was too serious for it be a serious contender for HM). First, the opening you got was pretty good. The conflict was set up nicely and I liked the characters from the get-go, and you carried that along well. The reason I almost made it HM was because I saw a lot of potential with it, but it just wasn't quite there. The ending didn't wrap it all up nicely, I wasn't sure if she would actually listen to the spider or if she resisted it. I feel like you wanted it to be the former, but I'm not certain if I believe that's how it would actually go. It felt like the protag really did love her husband, so it needed to be more clearly stated her frustrations. I like the whole messy/organized thing, but it didn't come across that the protag was obsessed with being organized (she even makes a remark saying that the ghost has no creative energy because he's so organized), so the ending didn't quite make sense if she decided to listen to the spider. Though I do like the idea of a ghost possessing a drawing of a spider, that was pretty cool. I see the potential of a very interesting story if it was developed further and the conflict between the protag and husband became larger so it looks like the spider is more a manifestation of her frustration with the husband rather then an actual ghost. At least, that's what I would've liked to see. For what it was, I liked it and was one of the better stories this week. If this was fleshed out a little bit more, I think this would make a fantastic story.
also
gently caress you too
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May 21, 2015 03:24
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- Armack
- Jan 27, 2006
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in
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May 21, 2015 15:41
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- Enchanted Hat
- Aug 18, 2013
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Defeated in Diplomacy under suspicious circumstances
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in as well, villains are fun
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May 21, 2015 19:06
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- take the moon
- Feb 13, 2011
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by sebmojo
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in, this should at least be better than last week
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May 22, 2015 02:04
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- Sitting Here
- Dec 31, 2007
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S. Muffin has requested a sphincter-grilling flash rule.
Your villain cannot speak and cannot see. They cannot have magical powers, but they must be an effective villain.
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May 22, 2015 02:27
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 19, 2024 12:56
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