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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 03:31
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Jonked posted:imma brawl you backtalker Oh my god yes just somebody write something for fucks sake
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Jun 3, 2015 03:31
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 Twist and Jonked brawl What happens when you Twist a Jonked? This:  You two will write a story in which your hero belongs to one genre (Western, Sci-Fi, Horror, Romance, etc.,) and is suddenly thrust into a different genre and must save the day. Maximum wordcount: 2,000 Deadline: June 10, 11:59 PM Central Standard Time, because Texas, that's why. Go hog wild. Remember, all brawls automatically come with 
blue squares fucked around with this message at 04:12 on Jun 3, 2015 |
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Jun 3, 2015 03:37
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docbeard posted:
Speaking of brawls, this one comes due in less than twenty-four hours. Do not disappoint me. Nothing will happen if you do but I'll be sad and do you really want to make a grown man cr...never mind. (Oh, and I guess since no one, including me, brought up the Brawls Should Be Toxxed thing this time around I won't hold you to that, but seriously, don't weasel out like a bunch of weasels.)
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Jun 3, 2015 03:44
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 04:37
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 04:42
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 04:47
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Jun 3, 2015 04:50
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I don't want to ban anyone but benny it would a good idea to sit this round out so you can learn to chill.
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Jun 3, 2015 04:55
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Humboldt Squid posted:I don't want to ban anyone but benny it would a good idea to sit this round out so you can learn to chill. Hi squid can I just take the time to say how much I appreciate you not banning all of us assholes for being a collective nuisance now that you're all buttered up can I ask you to make my av link to this thread?  My debit card has trouble working in the store.
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Jun 3, 2015 04:58
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Humboldt Squid posted:I don't want to ban anyone but benny it would a good idea to sit this round out so you can learn to chill.
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Jun 3, 2015 05:01
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Sitting Here posted:Hi squid can I just take the time to say how much I appreciate you not banning all of us assholes for being a collective nuisance Done!
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Jun 3, 2015 05:10
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Jun 3, 2015 05:12
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Humboldt Squid posted:Done! A thousand thank yous forever
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Jun 3, 2015 05:12
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omg i hate you all so so much it is like a hate volcano festooned with white-hot rage boners
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Jun 3, 2015 05:14
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Benny the Snake posted:The Willow and the Ribbon This is a pretty boring story that reads more like a teenager's fantasy than an attempt at an adult story. Some girl is sad, she meets her friend, he keeps badgering her and in order to shut him up she fucks him. then she disappears and nobody has grown or changed and nothing has been resolved other than a weird creep took advantage of somebody who needed a friend in order to get himself some of that sweet poon that he was entitled to after he had the courage to let her stick up for him in class. thank you for only making that 700 words Jeebus christ. crabrock fucked around with this message at 05:18 on Jun 3, 2015 |
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Jun 3, 2015 05:15
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whoa there's like a million posts in the thread I wondered what happened nevermind it's Benny trying to weirdly lawyer the rules of a no-stakes internet creative writing competition despite the fact that that's really dumb and petty, but also if he's gonna push that line really hard, precedent is against him pretty loving hard and Thunderdome, being an English language competition, is clearly a common law system over a civil one so precedents (especially one upheld many times in the same material circumstances) are pretty binding k that's my contribution go back to reading about Rosa Flores getting 4 army dicks put in her
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Jun 3, 2015 05:28
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For the record, Benny, this will be the last time I ever acknowledge your existence. I did that crit so that others could see it wasn't just tyran being a big ol' meany. It was you writing a lovely story. I am adding you to my ignore list. If you enter a round that I am judging, I will ignore your entry. If you try to talk to me, I will ignore you. This is literally the first time somebody has ever gotten a mod involved in something that they thought was unfair, rather than take responsibility for their writing.
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Jun 3, 2015 05:33
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I lost last week and I wanna make up for it. In. Can I get a flash rule?
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Jun 3, 2015 05:43
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Fausty posted:I lost last week and I wanna make up for it. In.
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Jun 3, 2015 05:51
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bye
anime was right fucked around with this message at 06:56 on Oct 27, 2015 |
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Jun 3, 2015 06:16
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More crits of last week's docbeard - Appearances Good. I don't have any complaints, really. You missed italicizing a paragraph. Blue Squares - Would that we Could Good stuff. Nothing I can see to criticize, really. LOU BEGAS MOUSTACHE - They Call Him Girl "When Girl is a toe is shy the door," - What? I can't even figure out what you meant to write. "Sticking out of a dumpster is a purple bubble jacket, Girl slips it on." You use comma splices way too much. They almost never work, especially with sequential event narration. Bozo spits acid? Literally, apparently? And it burns on contact with skin? And "he laments the flammability of his face loudly."  You could be droll but it doesn't work here."Girl chunks polygons of Jack’s skull right into some white matter." how... what happened? Despite some technical construction issues and a fairly confusing chronology of events this is pretty good at evoking place. Claven666 - 'Till Death I don't get it. This is a metaphysical final resting place? And he got in for good behavior, only it turns out he wasn't so good after all? Why didn't the supernaturals know that already? How did he get in at all? And then if she is a demon in disguise, and the rules apply to her here, how can she use her powers anyway? I don't understand any of this story's logic. And I'm not sure how much it squares with your plot prompt, either. crabrock - My New Church OK, metaphorical. Not a bad story. There are some awkward constructions that slow down reading a bit, but nothing egregious. Blue Wher - The Gryphon Spell What's with all these people with names like Hrokar this week? Is there some in-joke I missed? "King Bernan grimaced, worried." You used the same grammatical construct (-ed) with different semantic meaning twice in a row. That's distracting and hard to parse. Best to rewrite one. Also the past tense of cast (and broadcast) is (broad)cast. Meh. I don't see much in this story that necessitated nonhuman characters; you didn't do much with the different body shapes, just made them fly sometimes. And it's a boring story over all. Grizzled Patriarch - Dispatches from the Capital City Seems good so far. Descriptions are somehow not overwhelming despite archaic style. And despite that the story moves at a good pace and events are described clearly. Motivations are a bit murky -- why is the prince imprisoned by the Duke, and why is the King mobilizing an army... to get him? I'm not sure the ending has much resonance either, the political situation seems too undefined to me. Killer-of-Lawyers - The Monaco Shuffle OK. I don't have too much to complain about this. I was a bit confused at first because usually in a heist story these are robbers stealing a thing, not cops unstealing a thing, but you were intentionally vague in the opening. Pete Zah - Eyes Only For You Uh, how does this conform to your plot at all? This isn't badly written but I don't really see the point of it. Doctor sees lab-grown eyes successfully implanted, kills herself... because her colleague was the tissue donor...? skwidmonster - Immortal in a Time of War This feels like an unrelated series of scenes. I don't see how they go together, besides maybe being in chronological order? But I don't see why you've chosen them and I don't really understand what's going on, either. The introduction makes it science fiction but that's dropped immediately, and the end is an unintelligible non-sequitor.
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Jun 3, 2015 06:20
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Tyrannosaurus posted:
poo poo I didn't even remember the prompt. Oh well...In this week and gently caress it and flash rule while we're at it.
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Jun 3, 2015 06:48
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Gonna need a flash rule.
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Jun 3, 2015 07:17
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:I signed up this week? curlingiron posted:Gonna need a flash rule.
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Jun 3, 2015 07:31
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Sitting Here posted:This isn't loving FIFA Still, it's Thunderdome, and not that big of a deal. Every now and again you've got to break the rules. Look what happened to Blaster.
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Jun 3, 2015 07:33
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Fuschia tude posted:More crits of last week's Danke fur die crit, fyoosh
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Jun 3, 2015 08:01
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 08:35
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crabrock posted:For the record, Benny, this will be the last time I ever acknowledge your existence. I did that crit so that others could see it wasn't just tyran being a big ol' meany. It was you writing a lovely story. This is me too, by the way benny. You had one job, and you hosed it up.
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Jun 3, 2015 08:37
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LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:new rule i just made up: if 10 people emptyquote this, benny the snake, the legendary rulebreaker, is banned from entering the thunderdome ever again
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Jun 3, 2015 11:07
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crabrock posted:For the record, Benny, this will be the last time I ever acknowledge your existence. I did that crit so that others could see it wasn't just tyran being a big ol' meany. It was you writing a lovely story. this but as a gender identity but irl, this is also me
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Jun 3, 2015 11:08
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crabrock posted:For the record, Benny, this will be the last time I ever acknowledge your existence. I did that crit so that others could see it wasn't just tyran being a big ol' meany. It was you writing a lovely story. And my axe! Blaming the reader (read: judge) is a tyro move. The only person who can improve your writing is you, and if you don't take responsibility for your own failures to communicate with a reader, you're never going to improve. Given the number of chances you've had, and the increasing volume of drama, I'm also throwing in with the rock 'o crabs. You're barred from any week I judge.
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Jun 3, 2015 12:23
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You're welcome to join in any week where I just won and am now judging, Benny! Unfortunately that's not often, I guess everyone is biased against me or something?
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Jun 3, 2015 12:36
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If I ever win, Benny is the only one allowed to submit a story.
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Jun 3, 2015 12:40
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This week in the Thunderdome:Nubile Hillock posted:
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Jun 3, 2015 13:57
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THUNDERDOME EURODOME – EAT CRIT AND DIE your stories were bad. many were boring. some were just bizarre. some were both, somehow. shhhh dont cry now, its all good. im here. i’ll fix it. Claven666 – No More Hunting Stars One thing that’s always a good idea is to start telling a story by showing how two people argue over an undefined *thing* that may or may not happen or actually matter plotwise. You know, make yourself seem really mysterious, make me ask the important questions, like “What the gently caress is going on?” or “Why should I care?” or “No seriously, what the gently caress is going on, are they like gay lovers or something what are they talking about?” So the intro scene is pointless because it establishes that there is a conflict but then it keeps dancing around it as if not knowing what’s happening will make the read so much more enjoyable. Then I have no idea what’s really going on in the middle either because I never know anyone’s motivation or what they’re up to. The exciting part of a story is to see a protagonist work towards a goal we identify with, and you don’t have that. Don’t hide your protagonist’s agenda from us. It’s not clever. The ending hints at something that finally resembles a story, and there’s so much conflict here that it baffles me how you managed to not include it earlier. A man torn between two flames, doing immoral things out of unreciprocated love. That’s good material. You should have used it. But then you also skipped one of the most important parts, where the old guy volunteers his safe to the protagonist, so now I’m not sure if you even knew what story you were telling. Blue Wher – Mother’s Violin Here's a selection of possible reactions to realizing that there’s a ghost living in your violin:
spectres of autism – Dragon This was weird, and not in a bad way, but not in a good way either, just bizarre from start to finish. The whole idea of having an adult take his girlfriend to a children’s theme park so he could propose to her is hard to wrap my head around, and then the mascot uses the chance to step in and give a pep talk and the guy lets it happen and it actually works and nobody points out how strange any of this is is just  There’s also a ton of exposition thrown in at the weirdest moments. When the protagonist suddenly reminisces about his dog, or his mom, it all comes out of the blue and seems mostly unconnected to what is going on in the real world. Not just that, but it’s also very dark and sober while wacky things are going on in the background, and then I’m not sure if this was supposed to be a whimsical comedy or an emotional coming-of-age piece, or whatever you were trying to do. My personal theory is that you started with a bizarre idea and came up with the protagonist’s background as you went along, and then you didn’t bother doing another editing pass to polish this into a proper story. PoshAlligator – The Black Mountain's Bell Jump naked into a pool of fire ants and you have a good idea of the pain I went through reading this, plus you’ve just taken the first step on the long road towards your deserved punishment for crimes against the English language. Sorry, but this is garbage. Normally I’d say something uplifting like, “There’s a neat story underneath here,” but I don’t see it. I don’t even understand what’s happening on a physical level. My brain just checks out halfway through and is like, “Welp, see you later,” while my eyes keep racing to the bottom. Let’s just pretend none of this ever happened and move on with our lives. But then maybe I’m just a bit iffed because you prefaced your story like a NOOB hubris.height – Saccharine and Gasoline This wasn’t irredeemably bad, just full of beginner mistakes. The intro is a clusterfuck of unclear dialogue attribution, unclear POV and expository dialogue. The first two could have been fixed by just using the words ‘,he/she said’. The last, where characters explain things they already know to each other as a lazy way of relaying information to the reader, that’s something you’ll have to grow out of. Let the information emerge organically. Or just tell me. Or do it through dialogue, but make it believable, and more interesting. Whatever works. The POV problem runs through your whole story. Our protagonist talks to his wife through video screen; then we see her leaving the hospital break room after she’s already cut the connection. Our protagonist is racing behind a rival; suddenly we’re inside her cockpit, and head, plotting our protagonist’s demise. These crude POV shifts are jarring and they serve no purpose other than to destroy any sense of immersion you might have built up for your audience. You tried to work some theme about the protagonist’s dead family into this, but I don’t feel it. It’s like you sat down and said, “This needs a personal message,” not because it makes sense for your character but because “that’s what grown-up writers do”. Well, yeah, but it’s usually handled with a bit more finesse. I don’t see how winning the race will help him overcome any personal issues relating to the accident, so I don’t see the connection, and really most of what you do with his background is to keep telling me that it exists and it’s super-sad so we should totally root for your guy. It’s a bit transparent. My suggestion is to read more, and write more. But apparently you decided to end your TD career on this stunning debut piece, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ JcDent – Shame of Shamus Before you start writing your next story please take a long, hard look at your idea and ask yourself, “Would I really like to read about this?” and then work on your idea until you can answer that question with a yes. Because at the end of the day that’s what matters, putting down words in an order that makes for a satisfying experience. That’s where you failed and it’s been a problem for you in the past. Seriously, it doesn’t even have to make that much sense as long as it’s interesting. I’m not sure what’s actually happening in this story. There’s words, but none of them seem to advance any kind of narrative, it’s just exposition about Shamus’s dad and hornbulls and internal monologue so emo I’m wondering if I’ve stumbled into Sephiroth fanfic. But then Shamus switches off a simulation at the end, so obviously something has happened at some point, I’m just not sure what it was. And to be quite honest I can’t be arsed to do a second read-through to find out. Because I know it’s just a simulation, so who cares. The more I think about it the more I’m convinced you came up with the title first and then quickly attached a couple hundred words to it. If the story is about Shamus and how he lives in his father’s shadow, ehrm, maybe show me what he does about it. TheGreekOwl – One Last Breath The one thing elevating this above PoshAlligator’s piece is that I know where I am and what year it is. But even after intensely arguing with the other judges I am still not sure what’s going on here. Are the townspeople killing her for running her mouth? Someone burned something so I thought she was an arsonist? But maybe the fire is figurative? Point is, I understand that she’s a prisoner in a tent, but I’m not sure why, and I have no idea what the point of the protagonist is, or of that entire scene. It’s a grey sludge of expository dialogue that fails to expose properly, and references to the female chest, because this story is edgy and for adults you see. Grammar and spellchecking were piss-poor to a point where I felt a little insulted. I know you’re ESL and the occasional mistake happens, but there is no excuse for this level of neglect. If you’re bad at the language, you should work all the more on it. bigperm – Danes Odhajam Synopsis: a collection of wacky things someone’s mother did. On its own this is bad because really, there is no story here, just exposition. I am told that this may work as some kind of in-joke for people who are familiar with your prompt, but I disagree with that as well. Basically you looked at your video and went, “Wow, that’s wacky, what if something like that happened in real life, that would be wacky.” Then you wrote that. Cool. You know what else is wacky? Video games!!! Like how in stealth games, when the guards forget you just shot their buddies? You should write a webcomic about that. Lol! Please try harder. Broenheim – A Million Things I Wish I Had Done This wasn’t the most exciting read ever. The story only kicks into gear when the boxer reveals his unsavory contacts and the danger they pose, and even then it’s never really elaborated on, you just tell us they’re kind of there somewhere. I mean it didn’t bother me that much, since the story was supposed to be more about his relationship than the mafia. But as your only source of conflict, the whole gangster angle is underdeveloped. I do get a feeling for your protagonist and I want to see him succeed, and yeah, I thought the story was believable in spite of the hats because you divert attention mostly away from the syndicate subplot. But that’s also the problem, because that’s where your tension comes from and then you’re kind of inbetween talking about the gangsters and ignoring them and neither works for you. I thought the ending was sad and wistful and I really felt for your protagonist. He tried, and lost something important and came out a different man for it. That touched me, and as far as I’m concerned, this might even have HMed. However, it’s not a very thrilling story. There’s conflict, but not much is done about it. There’s excitement, but the story is told in retrospect so it’s muted. There’s action, but you show little and tell a lot so it’s like watching all these cool explosions but from really far away. Some odd choices take your story down a couple notches, but it’s kinda there so keep ‘em coming. Jonked – Love You While I'm Gone. We were debating if your ending was supposed to be a twist and I’m still not sure. If this was some kind of mystery story, the setup didn’t intrigue me and the ending didn’t surprise me. If it wasn’t, I don’t understand what the point was because then it’s just 400 words to say “some comatose stranger has a nice dream and dies.” The description at the end with him drifting away creeped me out a little but other than that this was mostly inconsequential. Well, at least you wrote something. Schneider Heim – The Final Siege of the Black Steel Castle! I’m not sure if this was supposed to be a parody or an homage. Maybe you weren’t either, so you ended up just kinda going back and forth, back and forth until finally you came to the solid conclusion that “boy, I really like anime  ” and played all the cliches straight while winking at me inbetween the lines as if being aware of how stock and nonsensical this is somehow makes it okay.You obviously tried to do something with this, it just didn’t work. There’s all that over-the-top action, but in comparison to the genre tropes it’s neither novel enough to be interesting nor exaggerated enough to be funny, and as its own story it’s kinda boring because nobody matters to me and it just reminds me of rushed Power Rangers fanfic. I mean, I didn’t hate this. It was kinda silly/dumb/cool, just not enough of either of these things. Seriously, there’s a castle-sized flaming fist but somehow you managed to make it feel vanilla. Maybe your language wasn’t up to the task, or maybe you didn’t put enough work into making it sound awesome. I dunno, but it didn’t click. Tyrannosaurus – It’s Not Always A Serpent That Makes You Sin It isn’t often that we get stories in Thunderdome that aren’t a chore to read, so this was a really nice surprise. Bull’s simple wish for freedom is a goal I can relate to, so I’m interested right off the bat. Then you have dog, who is cool and funny and adorable but sadly not helpful, and cat, who is kind of a tosser and tries to screw everyone over. It’s a very simple setup of characters but it works beautifully and makes for a strong conflict. Everyone is believable and interesting in their own way, and I have someone to root for and someone to be sad for and someone to hate. Everyone does their job. The language was spot-on for a story from bull’s POV because it was simple enough to be believably animal without all that “awkwardly describing common things” bullshit that hounds so many dog stories. So this was engaging, and it was easy to read. The perfect combo. Listen up bitches, this is what entertainment looks like. The cracks start showing towards the end. I hate cat when he turns on bull, but bull gets his revenge so quickly I barely have any time to nourish my disdain. Then it’s kinda lazy how the solution to his problem is “kick the door again, but right this time.” Also bull’s regret for killing dog is a bit muted, like he’s mostly angry about being betrayed by cat as opposed to being sad for his dead friend. Which is a shame, because you built up their friendship and his inner conflict beautifully, so I was ready to be taken along a guilt trip. Finally, there was a lot of discussion concerning your piece vs crabrock’s. Yours is the more light-hearted and entertaining one, whereas his has a dash more poignancy and heart. Maybe these are matters of taste. But then your story also showed a technical quality, a polish that crabrock’s thing lacked. So I was ready to give it to you. Alas, humor is a slippery slope and it didn’t click with the head judge. It happens. You still wrote a cool story. Benny Profane – The Saunier Mausoleum You know, when I gave all these short one-line comments I made a joke about how I totally forgot about your story. But just now I was about to post my crits, and I went through all the entries in the archive to make sure I hadn’t misspellt anyone’s name or story title, and suddenly this entry popped up and I realized that there was no crit for it yet because I really had forgotten about it. Maybe this tells you what kind of story you wrote. It’s not bad. It’s not much of anything, really. It’s just… there. The writing is competent because you’re a competent writer, but the plot is flabby and goes nowhere. There’s no conflict. There’s no resolution to anything. It’s a well-written account of a boy meeting a girl, and then they have sex. This could have been cool if you hadn’t played coy with the girl’s secret and shown me how they handle it as part of a developing relationship, instead of having it kinda fizzle out in the middle. Grizzled Patriarch – Tiny Edible Things Oh goddd grizpat write storiessssss with endingssssss UGHHHHHHH Seriously, do you even need crits anymore. You know you’re good at line level, this is not a story, thanks, bye. Killer-of-Lawyers – The Star and The Skull Nice idea, dull execution. The protagonist just kinda stumbles into the scene and while he’s wounded it never seems like a terribly urgent problem to him. Then he meets an enemy nurse who takes care of him, but I get to know nothing about her, or the protagonist for that matter. They’re just some faceless people who run into one another and manage not kill each other. I think despite the low word count you put some work into this, but you didn’t know how to make it more engaging. I mean in theory this should be a touching scene, but I never learn why these people do what they do because there’s so little communication, and then neither of them seem to have much of a personality, or a goal, or any kind of growth. Nothing is learned at the end. You even point out how the important questions are still unanswered. It’s neat, but it doesn’t do much for me. This was leagues above your fairy story though so please keep writing. skwidmonster – Mr. War Criminal This is very similar to some other stories this week in that I have no idea what the hell is happening. Right from the start people do *stuff*, and they obviously have tasks and roles, but you don’t communicate them to me, it’s just a bunch of tiny motions without much rhyme or reason, seen through a protagonist who does nothing. Like when the pianist walks by her and drops something into her glass and she just stands there like  and I’m like, lol she doesn’t give a gently caress about getting poisoned she’s that desperate to get out of this storyKaishai took some more time with this than I could ever justify and she told me that apparently the protagonist’s job is to hold the boss’s glass, and the drug thingy is some kind of long shot at surprising attackers? It’s probably the only way this could make sense, but I wouldn’t know. Hell, I can’t even follow the fight scene. There are all these people I don’t remember from the messy intro, only now they also have code- and nicknames and keep switching sides and then someone gets acid in their face… that’s the thing in the glass, yes? Did I get it? Did I crack the code? Assuming Kaishai’s interpretation is correct, I still don’t get what the point is. Why is the protagonist working this job? Why is she siding with her boss? What does she want? What is the point of the story? It’s like you knew you had a shaky idea and tried to distract from it by flailing your arms and screaming gibberish at me. Cue a joke about how the biggest criminal of this story is the person who wrote it. crabrock – A Probabilistic Route to Happiness My other win candidate. It’s true that this is pretty messy, and yes, in retrospect it seems like the robot spends the majority of the first half wandering around the story trying to figure out what it’s about before he realizes that he’s in a romance. Maybe you tried to cram too much stuff in there, or maybe you didn’t redraft. Either way, what matters is that I take something away from this story. It was admittedly not as entertaining as Tyr’s, but more satisfying, if that makes sense, because I enjoyed the theme of a robot waking up to consciousness, emotions, love, and sacrifice. He’s a tragic hero because in spite of his emotions he still has his robotic rationality, and the good sense to give himself up when he knows it will lead to the best outcome for the one he cares about. That kind of silent martyrdom is a feat I can really admire in a character, and you get it just right. Like Tyr, you had an original idea and your execution of a non-human POV was good. The robot is relatable, as he should be, having woken up to free thought, but he’s still a rational machine at heart. I liked the prison setting and I actually thought you made decent use of it. This wasn’t my winner’s pick because the lack of polish shows a little and it didn’t grab me start to finish like Tyranno’s piece did. But I don’t mind this winning either. It does different things right. Sitting Here – Full Circle Granted, I think most other writers couldn’t have made 1500 words about an old man getting out of his chair and lumbering across a grass field sound so interesting, but there’s an upper limit to how engaging this scene can be. It’s a rather low ceiling and now I feel like there’s all these scratch marks on the bottom where a better idea tried to claw its way out. When you get past the stunning track and field action it’s a really odd story because it’s about Chris and Lacy, but most of it happens decades after they’ve separated and then I get kind of a creepy vibe from Chris because he immediately starts following her and he still carries her presents around after all this time and then she lies face down in the mud which he sees as the perfect opportunity to confess his feelings to her. And her relatives have no reaction to that. lol. I think you meant for this to be some kind of story about a guy’s One Last Chance to confess to his true love but that’s not really how it came across to me. I would have liked more proactivity from Chris as opposed to just running into Lacy at a party and then stalking her, and it would have probably come across as less creepy if they’d seen each other at some point during their forty years of him still being in love with her. Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 14:37 on Jun 3, 2015 |
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Jun 3, 2015 14:34
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In. Hit me with a flash rule please.
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Jun 3, 2015 14:42
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Entenzahn posted:THUNDERDOME EURODOME – EAT CRIT AND DIE Appreciate the crit!
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Jun 3, 2015 15:35
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Entenzahn posted:hubris.height – Saccharine and Gasoline Thank you for your crit. You hit the nail on the head so hard that it has shaken me to the core. I hope I haven't given the impression of having "given up" on Thunderdome! I was busy with finals and registering for classes for next semester the last couple weeks, as well as work. Honestly, I also didn't think I could write up stories that fit the last few prompts. I love the Thunderdome, and have been mostly lurking, and definitely intend to continue competing in it. Thanks again!
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Jun 3, 2015 15:40
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You know what, gently caress it, I'm in. Please give me a flash rule.
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Jun 3, 2015 16:49
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