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A HM after my last 2 entries was a no show and a dishonourable? I'm definitely IN this week. Give me a flash rule too please!
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 16:55 |
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 00:48 |
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In, with a flash rule please.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 16:59 |
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In!
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 17:26 |
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JudgeMicroCrits for Bet week (Wow; these look a lot smaller in the browser than in the word processor.) I asked for one thing this week, and that was a bet. Not everybody gave me that. I divided the stories into roughly equal-size groups: top, middle, and bottom. These are relative rankings. ScreamingIdiot: High Stakes: A comma splice and homophone confusion (wretch/retch) right at the beginning is not a good sign, and proofreadable mistakes continued through the piece. The transition out of the flashback is a little rough, and overall, the main character isn't interesting enough to earn the ending. The namelessness of the characters doesn't help with this. Well in the bottom group. Fausty: Between Friends: The opening paragraph was good, but the second was less clear than it needed to be in establishing that Martinus was the prisoner. Sins of this story include: not actually having a complete bet in it, lampshaded; a headhopping point of view; and a bit of enforced character stupidity to reach the ending. (Aulus is willing to lie to save his skin, so why couldn't he have come up with a better story about the entire incident. No living witnesses...). Middle of the pack. Hocus Pocus: Sardines and Sunny Afternoons: There is, from the start, an excess of figurative language going on here, which only works if the images are strong and original, which, by and large these aren't. I got stuck on the line “He had Buckley's”, without enough context to give me any idea what was being talked about. Buckley's syndrome? Some kind of food? Something else entirely? Still, a nice story; in the top group. hubris.height: The Rascal Mayor: There's a serious proofreading failure in the first line. (“sound are”). Continuing onwards are comma troubles, dropped apostrpohes, and generally muddled prose. And the story just abruptly ends, leaving one without a clear idea at all what the second call was about. In the bottom group. the brotherly phl:The rear end of the universe: Almost 500 words over? A damned shame, that, since this was one of my favorite stories of the week. I do, however, deeply dislike titles whose authors have insisted on ignoring capitalization, even from e e cummings, and you're no e e cummings.. Disqualified, obviously. spectres of autism:Destroyer of Worlds:Dragon Godhead: A weak opening. Weak prose throughout. It's probably possible to write a good story about VR Enchanted Hat:The last deal: Overall, a cute and competent story, although I couldn't ever successfully suspend my disbelief regarding the central conceit of the story, and I also had problems with these people not realizing that the SEC (or British equivalent if it's named differently their) would be completely up in their assess in a few days. Still, in the top group. Masonity: Five Fingers: This was my personal favorite story of the week, with a more likeable protagonist than most of the others and strong dialog, using an unfamilar dialect and slang in a manner that is still clear to the reader. Rap Three Times:The Gamble: The opening was nice. Some proofreading issues in the text. The only punctuation mark that has less business in narrative prose than a semicolon is the exclamation mark. The biggest problem is the complete and total absence of an actual bet anywhere in the story. Disqualified, would have been in the mediocre group otherwise. Enterzahn:On the Bright Side: Strong opening, although I'd have found a way to drop 'as if he was'. It's distancing, and probably incorrect to grammar pedants who'd want something like 'as if he were' or 'as if he had been', which would both be even worse. Best to avoid entirely. Anyhow, a nice story, even though I can't really imagine the sort of world in which this thing would be remotely legal enough to use banking systems. In the top group. Erogenous Beef: Shorted Out: Opening with a comma splice is never a great sign. But this is a strong story in general, although it sort of turns into a mess at the end. Probably could get considerably better outside of the word count. In the top group. Benny Profane: The Hungriest Game: The opening was okay, although I don't like opening with a negative. I saw the central concept coming a mile away, although that was with the flash rule text. The action was good, but the characters were flat. Right in the middle initially, but this one grew on me a bit in retrospect. docbeard: Painted Jezebel: Had a good, strong opening and followed through to a very good story. The ending callback doesn't quite work, probably because there's not enough setup to make sure the reader remembered the dollar. There's some 'one/won' homophone confusion near the end. Still, one of the top stories; in fact my second favorite by a very close margin. Jagermonster: Big Enough: The opening starts off good, but sort of loses its way by the end of the paragraph. The narration seemed a bit flat, and the story didn't seem to be doing much at all. Middle of the pack. Le Woad: God Doesn't Play Chess: Some proofread-catachable problems early on here, including comma splicing, punctuation in quotations, and a missing space or two. Overall a pleasant story, but the ending doesn't quite work, even considering the 'no-explain' part of the flash rule. It would really have helped, I think, to have revealed what Newton's payments on the earlier bets were. In the mediocre group. Lake Jucas: To Tell the Truth: The opening was a bit overwritten, and there were some proofreading issues. The main problem, though, was that the ending came out of nowhere and was completely unearned and underforeshadowed. In the bottom group. Jonked: Balcony Two of the Theater of the Mind: A promising opening harmed by a proofreading issue at the end of the first paragraph. ('wander' rather than 'wandered'). Tense shifts throughout the piece as well. Good, but not quite good enough to get out of the middle group. Broenheim: Can't Put a Price on a Fool: Well, the opening was reasonably strong, but the plot was a deeply muddled mess that was both difficult to follow and not particularly rewarding either. With plenty of wordcount left over and indulgent descriptions of poor blackjack play to trim, you had plenty of room to improve clarity. My least favorite of the week. curlingiron: Clean Slate: The opening was good, and the story itself was a strong one. But what it didn't have anywhere in it was any kind of actual bet. This was a well-written modern/non-supernatural version of a faerie bargain story, but that wasn't what I asked for, was it? Disqualified, would have been right on the edge between the top and middle groups. Tyrannosaurus: Rugby Players Eat Their Dead: A strong opening and a strong story. But some points taken off for not really having a compete bet in it; there is nothing more at stake between the characters than there would have been if the word 'bet' hadn't been used. Still, in the top group. Jcdent: Pushing Luck: I'm happy to have seen one and only one story about people supernaturally manipulating probability, just as I was to see one and only one story featuring the devil himself earlier. There were some proofreading issues and odd phrasings, though. ('game craps' rather than 'game of craps' or 'craps game' was the one that stuck out the most.) A moderately strong story, done in by predictability and technical faults down to the middle group. Killer-of-Lawyers: The Sure Bet and the Tough Break: An interesting opening. Another story, though, that just barely fits the prompt. And one that just doesn't work in general, especially in the ending half. I had trouble buying a civilizational collapse, caused by computer failures, that leaves enough undermonitored processing power to sustain an obsolete AI anywhere. In the lower group. -Late Entry- skwidmonster:A Godly Wager: Very strong opening and story to follow. The setting is a bit confusing, though, since the mention of Romans puts it in our world rather than a secondary one but there's no room in our world for these gods and their holy army and such. They sort of feel Greek, but then it would be a Dionysius/Ares story, no? Is having a female protagonist worth leaving actual gods that precisely fit the story on the table? Would have been in the upper middle area. Thranguy fucked around with this message at 16:02 on Jun 10, 2015 |
# ? Jun 9, 2015 17:54 |
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In. Flash me. Thranguy posted:Jcdent: Pushing Luck: I'm happy to have seen one and only one story about people supernaturally manipulating probability, just as I was to see one and only one story featuring the devil himself earlier. There were some proofreading issues and odd phrasings, though. ('game craps' rather than 'game of craps' or 'craps game' was the one that stuck out the most.) A moderately strong story, done in by predictability and technical faults down to the middle group. So I guess I should feel bad about the supernatural angle, huh?
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 18:11 |
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Masonity posted:A HM after my last 2 entries was a no show and a dishonourable? I'm definitely IN this week. Give me a flash rule too please! A time limit with deadly consequences must factor. Thranguy posted:In, with a flash rule please. A significant portion of your story occurs underwater. JcDent posted:In. Flash me. Reflected objects turn out to be much, much larger than they appear.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 19:13 |
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well, my first brawl is something i guess
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 19:24 |
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In,
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 19:34 |
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In a world gone mad, one man shall arise to take the Thunderdome by storm.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 20:19 |
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Masonity posted:A HM after my last 2 entries was a no show and a dishonourable? I'm definitely IN this week. Give me a flash rule too please! all the judges last week were the worst. especially seadoof, who may as well be named poopdoof and be smeared on the bottom of a common park bench for ladies to accidentally touch and squeal in disgust. my opinion is the only one that matters now. Let's see how your story holds up to a real judge: Masonity posted:Five Fingers Since this was Tharanguy's favorite story, I'm going to guess that the other two judges felt closer to how I did.... I think you got lucky with that HM. You have a SHITLOAD of typos and punctuation errors in this... including wrong words at times. You use saidbookisms like they're going out of style, even when totally unnecessary. but the biggest problem is that your characters aren't really characters, they're cardboard cutouts. What do i know about your characters? narrator (no name) wants to hang out with some kids... why? the two kids... don't want him to hang out? why? security guard, was bullied in school and bites people's noses? that's literally more than I know about your three main chars. You spend more time talking about yo yos than fleshing out your characters. You could easily smash mark and andy into one char and reduce a lot of the awkward 3-way dialogue. there's no reason to have them be two separate people as both of them are the same stereotypical kid. Neither of them has a separate personality. pacing wise this story is decent. You have a conflict and a resolution, which puts you far ahead of a lot of domers, even ones who have been here a while and write a pretty sentence. The story isn't terribly original, but it is tidy and neat. If you had actual characterization and dialogue that was fun to read and not just the people saying what they were feeling or doing exposition through dialogue to move the story along, it would be much stronger. A lot of your details don't matter. Why did you waste the time to tell me it was cold and in february, when that matters absolutely nothing to the story? Same with street names, and most of the yo yo names (should have only mentioned the luna wind, really). These are all wasted opportunities to spend some of that word count telling me stuff that DOES matter, like what your characters are doing/saying/thinking. on an individual sentence level you need a lot more work, for clarity and grammar. that's the stuff the dome works the best on, so keep at it and don't get cocky from this HM.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 21:52 |
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chumprock, nature's gimp posted:all the judges last week were the worst. especially seadoof, who may as well be named poopdoof and be smeared on the bottom of a common park bench for ladies to accidentally touch and squeal in disgust. my opinion is the only one that matters now. Let's see how your story holds up to a real judge:
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 22:11 |
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But seriously, there was actually a fair bit of division between the judges on some stories. Be sure to read everyone's crits as some of you will get wildly different takes from all of us.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 22:11 |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuWQyfGa1yI In, , flash.
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 22:34 |
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this is the best thing every time i'm reminded of it
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# ? Jun 9, 2015 23:39 |
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hello domers this is a special announcement speaking I am looking for volunteers. A few people are trying to put together an entertainingly constructive fiction workshop podcast. And we thought, man, we have hundreds of writers and thousands of stories right here in Thunderdome!!! Wow! So, what I need is for people to volunteer their stories to be read and critiqued. It will be especially helpful if we can get ahold of some stories that didn't do so well in their week. Thunderdome is a fantastic resource for what we're trying to do, but we don't want to read anything without the permission of the authors! So here I am, holding my hat out to you, goons. Please, quote this post, PM me, or hop onto #Thunderdome on IRC if you're interested in helping out with a story. We can't do it without your help. Don't be be instead
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:14 |
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WEEK 148 CRITS PART 1 Before I pass out the first set of crits, let's sit down and talk about one of the many problems you guys had this week. Characters. I loving hated your characters. This happened in too many stories to name names, but I had to read about so many smarmy, unrepentant assholes this week that I could have taken your stories and given them to my rich neighbors and they would have loved them. A character is the reason why I care about a story's conflict. Whether I want that character to succeed or fail, I'm invested in the conflict because I care about what happens to the character. Stories are like short-circuiting your brain's social functions and forcing it to identify with someone that doesn't even exist, and that's hella rad. But here's the thing: if I don't care about the character, I'm not going to identify with them, and I'm not going to give a poo poo about the conflict, and I'm just going to get angrier the more I read. So make me care. Show me why this person is someone I should be interested in. Show me that they're more than Gambling Stereotype 5, that they've got desires and emotions. If you want to read someone who actually managed to make me care about a character, check out Tyrannosaurus's story. It's going to get its due soon, but one thing it does really well is making me care. In literary terms, I want to be able to identify with your characters' motivations. This means I have to know your characters' motivations. Some of you failed to do that. This also means I have to think your characters' motivations elevate them above the level of "blatant rear end in a top hat". Some of you also failed to do that. A character can be a lovable rear end in a top hat, but if you want to do that, there has to be elements of their character that aren't just "rear end in a top hat". So, the crits. If your name's below, you're in the doc. I've also put what I'd have given you if I was the only judge next to your names. Screaming Idiot Fausty Hocus Pocus (DM) hubris.height (DM) the brotherly phl (DQ) spectres of autism (Loser) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L7xcPDN66E7N2AU_XRr35gq2-EKIbjrwWcicJhfJOqM/edit?usp=sharing Djeser fucked around with this message at 00:22 on Jun 10, 2015 |
# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:17 |
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In. flash rule please.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:23 |
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I'm in. Flash me.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:33 |
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in
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:41 |
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Only your protagonist knows the horrible truth. SquirrelFace posted:In. flash rule please. Someone is a double agent. BUT WHO? theblunderbuss posted:I'm in. Flash me. Your story does not end on the same continent on which it started.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:45 |
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Sitting Here posted:hello domers this is a special announcement speaking I qualify! Sure, take them, rip them to shreds, let them burn away in the harsh light of internet criticism!
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 00:58 |
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Thanks for the crit Hocus Pocus and thanks to the judges. I'm in for the next run and I'll stick closer to the prompt this time. Maybe.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 01:12 |
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Thank you very much for the crit, Djeser. I will take your advice.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 01:26 |
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I'm in.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 01:50 |
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skwidmonster posted:Come on dude, gently caress you. You're lucky you even got mercy, not only did you get your toxx waived but you got an extension and STILL flubbed. I mean, I know I don't have the greatest track record, but at least I always turn loving SOMETHING in. Now that I'm home and settled. Bring it. docbeard posted:Week CXLIX: Thrilling Adventure! In with mando Also Flash me
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 03:49 |
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Thank you for the crits! I really appreciate that you took the time to do that.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 03:56 |
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Brawl: WherMonster oh hey u guys. Ok so here's the score, both of you have 6 stories that haven't been DQed for some reason. Both of you have 1 brawl loss. One of you has 2 DMs, and the other has nothing. Slight advantage to BlueWher, but easily anybody's brawl here, so don't save this til the last minute, and ACTUALLY WRITE YOUR rear end OFF. Prompt: too little, too late. that's it. do with that what you will, but god dammit if I can't see that in your story I'll be loving angry. words: 800 due: Wednesday, June 17, 2015 11:59 pm EST.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 03:57 |
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crabrock posted:Brawl: WherMonster I should write a story about you being angrier and angrier at people writing bad stories and getting off for it until everything blows up around you and the end of my story is just an mp3 of a Morgan freeman impression lamenting the loss of earth to crabrock. On the other hand nah.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 05:12 |
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In No Toxx this time unless it's mandated by Mods. Anyone else who flubbed quit bitching...especially if you got out of a toxx. Pay your and learn your lesson. SkaAndScreenplays fucked around with this message at 09:40 on Jun 10, 2015 |
# ? Jun 10, 2015 05:50 |
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The OP that you clearly haven't read posted:
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 05:55 |
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SkaAndScreenplays posted:At work, and I have no clue how to make IRC work, or what the domain is for SA IRC. If you go to this page, you should be able to chat on IRC via your browser. Click on "Webchat" and put #thunderdome in the channel box when prompted.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 06:02 |
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StealthArcher posted:I should write a story about you being angrier and angrier at people writing bad stories and getting off for it until everything blows up around you and the end of my story is just an mp3 of a Morgan freeman impression lamenting the loss of earth to crabrock.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 06:39 |
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Sitting Here posted:hello domers this is a special announcement speaking Dude, literally any of my stories. Go for it.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 08:55 |
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crabrock posted:Brawl: WherMonster I'm so loving stoked for this, you have no idea. For you, crabby, I'll write all week.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 08:58 |
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gently caress it, in. Flash me.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 09:35 |
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Sitting Here posted:hello domers this is a special announcement speaking
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 09:59 |
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Blue Wher posted:In with mando Also Flash me Your story contains a high-speed chase. None of the vehicles involved in this chase are cars. Megazver posted:gently caress it, in. Flash me. An ancient mystery must factor.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 10:21 |
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missed the thunderdome podcast question, but feel free to crit any of my works i really don't think they're bad enough to be entertaining but thats for you to decide
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 13:19 |
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ATTENTION Since we've got a few folks ing this time, I wanted to make something clear. It is common for people under the toxx gun to be given a little bit of leniency with the final deadline for submission. This is custom, rather than law. However, I am maintaining this tradition this week, with one difference: everyone is getting a relaxed deadline. (Monday morning, rather than Sunday night.) Not only are you getting all that extra time, you're not even going to eat a DQ for taking advantage of it! Now that's what I call a bargain! If you are counting on having even more time than that to avoid the toxxecutioner's axe, well, I can't tell you what to do, it's your . If putting your faith in my goodwill at stupid o'clock on Monday morning seems like a good idea to you, then by all means! Or, you know, get your poo poo in on time. Either or. Please direct any questions or concerns about this special judge announcement to the complaints department, conveniently located up your own rear end.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 14:05 |
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# ? Apr 25, 2024 00:48 |
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Erotica is banned from the thread sir. Please, no entreaties to auto-erotic anal stimulation.
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# ? Jun 10, 2015 14:23 |