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Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

Mr. Horrible posted:

You're misremembering. In Enterprise the old codger that comes on the ship to run his experiments literally laughs over the idea that the transported you isn't the real you.

Yeah let's take the word of the ageing teleportation specialist who killed his own son trying to master teleportation and then lied to the crew of Earth's only good startship to try and fix his mistake about the dangers of teleportation.

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Freemason Rush Week
Apr 22, 2006

well either everyone believes him well into the TNG era or their lifetimes of debauched holodeck murderfucking have made them so empty inside that they voluntarily step onto the transporter and get atomized

not sure which is more likely tbh

happyhippy
Feb 21, 2005

Playing games, watching movies, owning goons. 'sup
Pillbug
I wonder if anyone used the transporter as a defense argument.

"It was not I that grabbed Troi's titties in the turbolift and shouted HONK HONK, it was a collection of atoms and molecules in the same shape as myself. I appeared for the first time on the transporter pad in transporter room 4."

"My birth room was transporter pad 4. Miles O'Brien was my birth father".

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

Mr. Horrible posted:

well either everyone believes him well into the TNG era or their lifetimes of debauched holodeck murderfucking have made them so empty inside that they voluntarily step onto the transporter and get atomized

not sure which is more likely tbh

Well the point is literally everyone who has ever been through one would swear blind that they were definetly the same person who stepped onto the transporter.

However, if they were a clone programmed to think they were the person who stepped onto the transporter that is of course what they would do.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

happyhippy posted:

I wonder if anyone used the transporter as a defense argument.

"It was not I that grabbed Troi's titties in the turbolift and shouted HONK HONK, it was a collection of atoms and molecules in the same shape as myself. I appeared for the first time on the transporter pad in transporter room 4."

"My birth room was transporter pad 4. Miles O'Brien was my birth father".

"Would you convict a man for a crime committed by his perfectly identical clone prior to their deatomisation? The man who stepped onto the teleporter was disintegrated. He no longer exists. Instead here I stand, made of identical atoms BUT I am not the same man. Am I to be punished for my previous life's crimes? "

" Yes. We find you guilty of rape. You're sentenced to 50 years in space prison"

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry
Also I reckon at least 80% of the Voyager crew shared Tom Paris' top secret Janeway programme and every time they were pissed off by her they would use the programme and have super angry BDSM sex with her.

It's the only way they kept poo poo under control on the ship. Literally everyone knew about it apart from Janeway. Even Tuvok had a go.

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

wiggle wiggle




Kitchner posted:

Also I reckon at least 80% of the Voyager crew shared Tom Paris' top secret Janeway programme and every time they were pissed off by her they would use the programme and have super angry BDSM sex with her.

It's the only way they kept poo poo under control on the ship. Literally everyone knew about it apart from Janeway. Even Tuvok had a go.

lol at you if you think Janeway never hosed herself

Freemason Rush Week
Apr 22, 2006

can't say I blame her, it's slim pickings on the SS V'ger

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

Angela Christine posted:

lol at you if you think Janeway never hosed herself

I much prefer the idea that when she's giving her briefings she doesn't realise everyone is just thinking "Yeah I've seen you naked", and she walks past Tom as he's leaving the holodeck and she's like "Did you have fun in there Tom?" "Uhhh yeah captain, it was a uhh vigorous workout"

You know, it's possible to do this by just saying "Computer, generate a holographic image of catherine janeway. Now, remove the clothes".

counterfeitsaint
Feb 26, 2010

I'm a girl, and you're
gnomes, and it's like
what? Yikes.
"Computer, create a holodeck character capable of satisfying Captain Janeway sexually."

Next episode Voyager arrives at earth, commanded by a hologram Riker wearing the doctors hologram mcguffin.

e.pilot
Nov 20, 2011

sometimes maybe good
sometimes maybe shit

Tighclops
Jan 23, 2008

Unable to deal with it


Grimey Drawer

Freemason Rush Week
Apr 22, 2006


:buddy:

Freemason Rush Week
Apr 22, 2006

counterfeitsaint posted:

"Computer, create a holodeck character capable of satisfying Captain Janeway sexually."

Next episode Voyager arrives at earth, commanded by a hologram Riker wearing the doctors hologram mcguffin.

if by "arrives at earth" you mean "explodes in a cataclysm of screaming and bodily fluids"

doctorfrog
Mar 14, 2007

Great.

counterfeitsaint posted:

"Computer, create a holodeck character capable of satisfying Captain Janeway sexually."

Next episode Voyager arrives at earth, commanded by a hologram Riker wearing the doctors hologram mcguffin.

Riker posed the same question to a transporter, and got Thomas.

Iprazochrome
Nov 3, 2008

Kitchner posted:

Also I reckon at least 80% of the Voyager crew shared Tom Paris' top secret Janeway programme and every time they were pissed off by her they would use the programme and have super angry BDSM sex with her.

It's the only way they kept poo poo under control on the ship. Literally everyone knew about it apart from Janeway. Even Tuvok had a go.

I read a fanfic once where 7 of 9 found Belanna's secret holodeck program where she and Janeway had BDSM sex with a hologram of Seven

Moridin920
Nov 15, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
computer create a hologram prototype of an FTL engine that could get us home in a year

shadow puppet of a
Jan 10, 2007

NO TENGO SCORPIO


Kitchner posted:

You know, it's possible to do this by just saying "Computer, generate a holographic image of catherine janeway. Now, remove the clothes".

What a way to find out the computer has been keeping a daily log of everyones pube-sculpting decisions

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

shadow puppet of a posted:

What a way to find out the computer has been keeping a daily log of everyones pube-sculpting decisions

Computer.

*beep*

What are the top three pubic hairstyle choices aboard Voyager?

In order of most popular to least popular: a Brazilian wax, a landing strip, and clean shaven.

Computer. Download a holographic representation of all female crewmembers with those pubic hairstyles. Now, present their vaginas here in front of me as flashlights.

*beep*

Oh poo poo I'm needed on the bridge. Computer, save programme as Harry Kim 29.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry
Also I was watching "Data's Day" which is a weird episode told from Data's point of view all day.

The best thing that came out of that episode is that I realise the Enterprise has a loving barber shop on it. Not a hologram programme for a barber shop, an actual barber shop.

I did some rough maths and if we assume everyone gets a haircut every 3 weeks, they need to perform about 18,000 haircuts a year. That means on board the enterprise there are about 50 haircuts needed every day. Assuming that is the only barber shop they probably need three barbers to work 365 days a year cutting hair.

My question is:

1) Why the gently caress doesn't everyone just get their haircut in the holodeck by saying "Computer. Recreate holographic imagine of Earth's best hair stylist" instead of getting some bald blue dude to do it for you.

2) what the gently caress happens when you're attacked by the romulans every week and members of your crew are halfway through their haircut? Why couldn't Riker run up to the bridge once with only half his hair cut.

3) what the gently caress do the barbers get out of this? Being in the enterprise is super dangerous. You never get to go on away parties or even do anything interesting, and there weren't even windows in the barber shop so you knew it was in space.

Like what happens when enemy boarding parties storm the ship and you're like "No please! Spare me! I'm just a barber!" as some Klingon dude stabs you to death.

counterfeitsaint
Feb 26, 2010

I'm a girl, and you're
gnomes, and it's like
what? Yikes.
loving Mot the Barber keeps that ship together man, he appears a few times. There's an episode where the entire crew leaves the ship for space reasons, but Mot comes back to get his saddle (every serious riding has their own saddle) and faces off against Tuvok and a band of pirates with a crossbow.

FeculentWizardTits
Aug 31, 2001

counterfeitsaint posted:

loving Mot the Barber keeps that ship together man, he appears a few times. There's an episode where the entire crew leaves the ship for space reasons, but Mot comes back to get his saddle (every serious riding has their own saddle) and faces off against Tuvok and a band of pirates with a crossbow.

There's also like 176 episodes where Mot is the commander of the Enterprise, it's weird

happyhippy
Feb 21, 2005

Playing games, watching movies, owning goons. 'sup
Pillbug

Moridin920 posted:

computer create a hologram prototype of an FTL engine that could get us home in a year

Ship explodes when its turned on. Prototype does not mean 100% safe or working.

Then again the computer could logically come up with stasis machines for the crew, freeze them until they get back.

The barber shop was the 10 forward for men only.
No Troi's allowed basically.

Facebook Aunt
Oct 4, 2008

wiggle wiggle




Kitchner posted:

3) what the gently caress do the barbers get out of this? Being in the enterprise is super dangerous. You never get to go on away parties or even do anything interesting, and there weren't even windows in the barber shop so you knew it was in space.

Like what happens when enemy boarding parties storm the ship and you're like "No please! Spare me! I'm just a barber!" as some Klingon dude stabs you to death.

They have families on the ship, so the barbers, waiters and elementary school teachers could be married to actual star fleet officers. Or they could be wannabes who desperately wanted to be in star fleet, but couldn't pass the competitive star fleet academy entrance exam.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

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sweet geek swag
Mar 29, 2006

Adjust lasers to FUN!





Kitchner posted:

Also I was watching "Data's Day" which is a weird episode told from Data's point of view all day.

The best thing that came out of that episode is that I realise the Enterprise has a loving barber shop on it. Not a hologram programme for a barber shop, an actual barber shop.

I did some rough maths and if we assume everyone gets a haircut every 3 weeks, they need to perform about 18,000 haircuts a year. That means on board the enterprise there are about 50 haircuts needed every day. Assuming that is the only barber shop they probably need three barbers to work 365 days a year cutting hair.

My question is:

1) Why the gently caress doesn't everyone just get their haircut in the holodeck by saying "Computer. Recreate holographic imagine of Earth's best hair stylist" instead of getting some bald blue dude to do it for you.

2) what the gently caress happens when you're attacked by the romulans every week and members of your crew are halfway through their haircut? Why couldn't Riker run up to the bridge once with only half his hair cut.

3) what the gently caress do the barbers get out of this? Being in the enterprise is super dangerous. You never get to go on away parties or even do anything interesting, and there weren't even windows in the barber shop so you knew it was in space.

Like what happens when enemy boarding parties storm the ship and you're like "No please! Spare me! I'm just a barber!" as some Klingon dude stabs you to death.

Have you seen Klingon hairstyles? "I'm just a barber!" Is probably just going to make them madder.

Iprazochrome
Nov 3, 2008
Mot is working for the betterment of Bolian-kind by learning everything that he can about hair. He will take this knowledge back to his homeworld so they can develop wig technology.

Tricky D
Apr 1, 2005

I love um!
Starfleet is a federation jobs program for everybody, barbers included.

Some people have an innate need for chaos that is incompatible with just chilling planetside, smoking weed, and having a good life with your friends and family. These are the people who volunteer to zoom around space getting mind raped by energy being on a weekly basis.

Entropic
Feb 21, 2007

patriarchy sucks
https://twitter.com/RikerGoogling

Farmer Crack-Ass
Jan 2, 2001

this is me posting irl
Since you guys are going on about holoperversions, it seems a good time to repost this classic: Blue Stripe: The Life and Times of a Holodeck Janitor

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

273423-X posted:

Mot is working for the betterment of Bolian-kind by learning everything that he can about hair. He will take this knowledge back to his homeworld so they can develop wig technology.

I an imagine this being an episode like that Morn episode from DS9 where you find out this is the King of Bolia or an infamous Bolian bank robber who is laying low with a false ID in starfleet.

Seriously though, who the gently caress signs up to be a barber on the most frequently endangered ship in the galaxy?

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

Angela Christine posted:

They have families on the ship, so the barbers, waiters and elementary school teachers could be married to actual star fleet officers. Or they could be wannabes who desperately wanted to be in star fleet, but couldn't pass the competitive star fleet academy entrance exam.

Still why would you let some dweeb who couldn't even get into the same academy as Whil Weaton cut your hair when you can use a hologram of earth's greatest hair stylist.

He Data could probably just study the world's greatest barbers and cut your hair with android speed and precision.

Even more so, why isn't there a haircut phaser setting? "Men, set your phasers to short back and sides".

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry
Also I have a confession to make. In the episode where the crew goes crazy because of the sick vulcan dude there's a scene where beverly slaps Wesley.

I legit played that slap about 10 times over as I think Whil Weaton is a cool guy but has a really slappable face.

Freemason Rush Week
Apr 22, 2006

Kitchner posted:

Also I have a confession to make. In the episode where the crew goes crazy because of the sick vulcan dude there's a scene where beverly slaps Wesley.

I legit played that slap about 10 times over as I think Whil Weaton is a cool guy but has a really slappable face.

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry
Sadly that gif is slightly too fast to enjoy it and you really need the sound of him being slapped.

It did cheer me up though.

Lord of Pie
Mar 2, 2007


Computer! reduce playback speed!
beep boop

Kitchner
Nov 9, 2012

IT CAN'T BE BARGAINED WITH.
IT CAN'T BE REASONED WITH.
IT DOESN'T FEEL PITY, OR REMORSE, OR FEAR.
AND IT ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT STOP, EVER, UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG ABOUT WARHAMMER
Clapping Larry

Lord of Pie posted:

Computer! reduce playback speed!
beep boop


Best Star Trek moment of all time

counterfeitsaint
Feb 26, 2010

I'm a girl, and you're
gnomes, and it's like
what? Yikes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3fWy9UMDHs

I am literally a child.

oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲TM™ #ad📢

Was there an enterprise episode called Hoshis Island? Cuz if not there should have been.

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oldpainless
Oct 30, 2009

This 📆 post brought to you by RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS👥.
RAID💥: SHADOW LEGENDS 👥 - It's for your phone📲TM™ #ad📢

Jfc enterprise is loving terrible

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