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Broenheim posted:interprompt 4 words, prompt: "exploding into poo poo" Broenheim made a post
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Aug 31, 2015 16:34
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Shitstorm Prompt: "exploding into poo poo" 87 Words It was supposed to be a harmless prank. No one was supposed to get hurt. Felix had been on tour with the Main Man for about 3 months now. It was finally to the point he could be trusted to load the soundboard up for drops. But when Main Man hit that note in his Sandstorm remix, it was the Brown Note. The result was a warehouse filled with ecstasy fueled ravers making GBS threads themselves. You couldn't hear Man's sweet remix, for the sound of explosive poo poo.
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Aug 31, 2015 16:56
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Broenheim posted:interprompt Regret (15 words) He realized, far too late, that he shouldn't have eaten those sugar free candies.
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Aug 31, 2015 17:44
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Broenheim posted:interprompt lovely Plans 19 Words "Perhaps it was not a good idea," Weston wiped his face, "breaking into the waste treatment plant with C4." Emmideer fucked around with this message at 21:43 on Aug 31, 2015 |
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Aug 31, 2015 18:13
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An Anonymous Memo to the People's Pedantic Front FOR THE LAST TIME, A DIRTY BOMB IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.
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Aug 31, 2015 18:39
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Broenheim posted:interprompt Lysander, A Poem of Erasure 114 words LYSANDER, THE BLOOD OF GOD. HEIR TO THE SKY. THE MIGHTY AXE Lyle the punk bitch a fat, pimple faced fifteen-year-old boy wearing an MC Chris hoodie teeth stained an artificial red the she-beast lurking in the corner. The little bitch had drawn blood. NOW – BEHOLD THE ALTAR! Mountain Dew Code Red and Pop Rocks a completely different explosion The bucket! explosion the poo poo bucket the bucket! the bucket, He waited, terrified. Nothing. the bucket, his entire vision became a sea of red and brown. The bucket erupted the bucket Pollock’ing the walls. The smell of saccharine and poo poo filled Mark’s nose as he bled out on the cold floor. Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at 19:15 on Aug 31, 2015 |
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Aug 31, 2015 19:13
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Dr. Kloctopussy posted:Lysander, A Poem of Erasure 
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Aug 31, 2015 19:36
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Thyrork posted:Feeling Repentant because your entry this week is poo poo? I know I am, and I have just the cure for post-posting blues! Why its mercilessly tearing into your fellows of course! Sloth (Appropriate because I'm doing this instead of working, LOL!!11) For each entry, I will say one nice thing (or more) about it, even if I hated it and it was trash. Sleep, a Song, then Sleep Again You need to work on syntax. You have dialogue without attribution, sentences without periods, "feel" instead of "fell" that caused me to read the sentence three times. Other poo poo that just doesn't sound or flow nice. Read your stuff out loud; that will help. Between these pretty basic oversights it's clear you either a) didn't care and/or b) didn't proofread (see a). As for the story, there's no real conflict, no real reason to care about these animal characters. I get this sense you couldn't come up with a way to hamfist a sloth into your story, but, since you toxxed, you just wrote a story about animals but it never really spoke to you, so it didn't give you much impetus to care about it. Nice thing: Some decent prose at the very end, there. - - - - - - - - Paper Jam Oddly enough, I like the idea of a story of a Community-esque roomful of writers trying to pitch ideas for a sketch show. What I would have liked even more would have been a story. Absolutely flummoxed as to how this got an HM. The whole navel-gazing aspect of TD in-jokes and blah blah blah was just, well, lazy. Which, okay, har-har, I get it. Sloth. "That's the point!", you say. It's not a story. Nice thing: The writing was still quite good, and I found it flowed very well. - - - - - - - - Would You Please Step Into the Box Why doesn't your title have a question mark?! Your story is well-written, has a plot, an interesting setting, and an actual ending. newt said he didn't see what was "sloth" about this, but I'd wager that trading your soul in exchange for lovely parlor magic tricks if the very definition of lazy, so ... ??? Now, I must say, if I were judging, I wouldn't have HM'd this, either, because your prompt was "gently caress it; good enough," and that particular aspect I felt was totally devoid, here. NIce thing: I already said enough nice things, gently caress you. - - - - - - - - Aspiration OMG THIS STORY WAS AMAZING AND YOUR BALLS SHOULD BE IN A MUSEUM - - - - - - - - Saved by the Bear quote:But who will come to replace my batteries? haha, oh man. I literally, physically, cringed reading that line. This story was pretty dumb and uninteresting and your protagonist is a loser that the reader can't be bothered to give a poo poo about. The conflict is, um, buying batteries I guess? Try this: Summarize your story into a sentence. Do you want to read that story? Of course you don't. Write a more engaging story. Oh, almost forgot: Take a look at your first paragraph. Now delete it. Look, your story is wholly unchanged. Nice thing: Uhhh. You covered Sloth. You covered "Oddly pleasant cuddling", which, I will give you, okay, that is a tough prompt. - - - - - - - - The Gentlewoman Caller Syntax again. Y'all motherfuckers need to proofread. Y'all also need to learn some basic poo poo. Let me show you what I mean, in your case: quote:“Don't know why they call me that, only one of the three of them applies.” <-- THIS SHOULD BE A COMMA she growled, standing up slowly. loving fourth-grade English, here. Also, you overuse exclamation points. A lot. I mean, a LOT! You know what a lot of exclamation points make a story sound like? Like it was written by an eight year old. My daughter uses them a lot. She, still, uses them far less than you. Lastly: This story needs proofreading. "But you already bitched about my grammar, I get it!" you shriek. No, I mean, for pacing and word usage and economy of prose. You waste a lot of time getting to the point and you could cut things. Then other things are confusing and could be revised for clarity. Proofread. Do it. It's good for you. Nice thing: A heist is an underused story element, I guess. The prose concerned with the knife to the maid's throat, I felt that was well done. The pacing and word usage, it read very well. I could tell you enjoyed writing that part. You sounded bored in other parts. - - - - - - - - missing story by Jitzu the Monk Your story sucks and you suck and you should die irl. Nice thing: I was getting really sick of critiquing so thank you for being a loving LOSER FAILURE DORK In closing, I want to point out that no one stole my flash prompt because THEY FUCKIN SCARED LITTLE BITCHES.
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Aug 31, 2015 21:00
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poo poo Crits part 1 of ? Don't be discouraged because dockloc has already won this, maybe you can surpass her you cant, sorry Cingulate posted:Broenheim made a post I shan't take this insult sitting down. You have made a terrible foe today. hubris.height posted:Shitstorm Meh, idk. Just feels like a shoehorned brown note reference. Meinberg posted:Regret Short, snappy, straight to the point. I like. jon joe posted:lovely Plans A lot like Meinberg's, but a lot more interesting. Why are they breaking into a waste treatment plant? Why C4? Why are they so dumb? These questions leave me wanting more, which is good, but I know enough for me to understand it. docbeard posted:An Anonymous Memo to the People's Pedantic Front IM GOING TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE ITS COOL AND IT SOUNDS LIKE IM YELLING AND I LIKE IT. This wasn't bad, but it leaves too many lingering questions without giving me enough. Dr. Kloctopussy posted:Lysander, A Poem of Erasure emptyquote
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Aug 31, 2015 22:15
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hubris.height posted:Shitstorm It's rare for a genius to be recognized in his/her own time, but tonight I am recognizing you. DROPTHEBASS
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Sep 1, 2015 01:53
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Sep 1, 2015 02:37
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anime is bad
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Sep 1, 2015 02:41
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anime is bad
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Sep 1, 2015 02:45
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Sloth crit for epoch. Boring first line. Give me something more. quote:The Englewood street terminated in an informal dead-end; I think that phrase is unnecessary since “informal dead-end” already tells us that, and I think the crumbling asphalt works better next to that first part. quote:Marc pontificated on the great distinction between laziness and apathy. TestYourIQFree.com proved him to have a 142 IQ. He had six (6!) unfinished novels on his gaming PC. All variations of great to tremendous, they were. He could always go back to school for something in the STEM field. He was great at hacking, he’d bragged. Please don’t write stories about my life, or I’ll hack you nerd. Serious talk though, you lay this on a bit thick and it's very cliche “nerd who will never achieve anything but acts like he will.” More of a caricature than a character. quote:Their breakup was beautiful. She had caressed him, held him. Had cared for him like a stray since he was a boy and she was a girl. Tears cut a shiny river on her impeccable makeup. Her hair dangled above him like the final curtain and she had uttered to him a promise: “You know that place between sleep and awake? That’s where you’ll find me. That’s where I’ll always love you.” I like the first part of the paragraph, the final curtain I’m iffy on, but the dialogue feels odd. It doesn’t seem like something someone would say in a breakup. Hmmmm, I’m not sure what the point is. Things just kind of happen. The first scene isn’t really necessary since the story isn’t about getting the drugs and more about trying to find the girl again (at least, that’s what the more interesting part was). The major problem is that there isn’t much character to latch onto. The protag is just generically nerdy and incompetent, and the girl isn’t much but just a plot point. There’s some characterization, but it lacks enough for me to not be fully invested. Another thing is the tone. It’s all over the place. It starts out like a drug story, but then suddenly he’s in like a doctor’s office? It’s very strange and doesn’t make much sense, which may have been the point? A sort of dream like state to everything? But then that makes everything fuzzy and I’m not sure what I’m supposed to believe is real or fake and I’m not completely sure. You start with this generic drug story opening which then goes into this really weird doctor poo poo that’s kind of surreal. Then breakup story that’s supposed to be kind of funny where we laugh at the protag for being such a man child, but then I’m supposed to care about the breakup and root for the protag as it gets sad and he tries to get back with her in his dreams. Then there’s this weird dark dream and it just kind of goes all over the place. I think most of the drug explanation stuff is unnecessary since all I really need to know is that the drug makes it so that he has lucid dreaming. There’s some neat ideas in here, they just need to be picked out of the trash, and the story needs to figure what exactly it’s going for.
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Sep 1, 2015 02:46
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Thanks for the in depth crit Bro!
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Sep 1, 2015 02:54
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 WEEK CLX JUDGEMENT There were some really great stories this week guys so a big shout out to all you that did something awesome! Remember, just because you don't see your name here in this post doesn't mean you didn't write something enjoyable. Unless you didn't write anything at all. In that case you can, and I mean this in the best way possible, go gently caress yourself. For the most part, everyone who did submit submitted something decently readable. This was a good week to judge. Now if your name is Halbey or Thyrork then you submitted something that wasn't particularly readable and in fact sucked and you should try not to do that again. Dishonorable mentions to you both. Same goes for Cingulate. Except doubled. You are this week's loser. Thanks for the turds, you three. Luckily Jonked, Bompacho, WeLandedOnTheMoon!, Grizzled Patriarch, SurreptitiousMuffin, and sebmojo all wrote really good stuff. Seriously. You should go check those stories out and take notes. What's particularly fun about them is that they are all so wildly different. Honorable mentions all around. This week's winner is Thranguy. Welcome back to the throne. You deserve it. I'm done judging now! Yay! Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at 11:04 on Sep 1, 2015 |
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Sep 1, 2015 10:58
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I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested
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Sep 1, 2015 11:10
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yes please also https://www.google.co.nz/search?q=prompt&oq=prompt&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i60l2j69i61j69i60l2.831j0j1&sourceid=chrome&es_sm=93&ie=UTF-8
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Sep 1, 2015 11:15
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Nubile Hillock posted:I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested I would love a crit on my piece this week, thank you!
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Sep 1, 2015 11:17
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Nubile Hillock posted:I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested *yoink* Thank you very much!
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Sep 1, 2015 11:19
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Nubile Hillock posted:I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested why, i am interested
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Sep 1, 2015 11:20
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Posting to see my new Avatar of Shame
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Sep 1, 2015 11:51
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Nubile Hillock posted:I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested Yes please.
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Sep 1, 2015 11:56
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CongratuPRRRRRROOOOOOMPT THRANGUY
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Sep 1, 2015 11:59
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Tyrannosaurus posted:
If there's one thing that I know about, it's turds! 
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Sep 1, 2015 13:29
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Nubile Hillock posted:I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested I'm interested, thank you.
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Sep 1, 2015 15:33
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Sep 1, 2015 16:08
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Thunderdome CLXI: Negative Exponents The Library of Babel by Jorge Luis Borges. The Liberation of Earth by William Tenn. The Balloon by Donald Barthelme. What do these stories have in common? Apart from being some of my favorite short stories of all time, that is? Well, let me ask another question. What's an aspect of story writing that a lot of 'domers consistently have trouble with? That's right, dialog. Now, some people might try and assign a dialog-heavy week to correct that, but I don't hold with that kind of hippy teaching attitude. When the kids keep abusing the toys, I say take them away entirely. And that's what those stories have in common. No dialog. They're all purely exposition-based stories. Pure narrative. That's what you're doing this week, God help us all. (I'll permit one spoken line if you must, since some of my examples do that and fair is fair.) If You Were a Dinosaur, my Love by Rachel Swirsky. From Neil Gaiman, The Man Who Forgot Ray Bradbury, and also May, June, September, and November out of A Calendar of Tales. Just throwing a few more examples closer to Thunderdome-size. Speaking of size, you have 1,225 words to use. And since this is a structural prompt, I'll even give a nice, broad theme for your stories as well. To celebrate Labor Day Weekend, the theme is You Had One Job. (Special bonus rule: if anyone submits some cutesy meta wordvomit about themselves failing to write a story this week, they will, without fail, get the DQ/DM combo platter.) What I Want: For people to take advantage of the format. Tell stories with an epic scope, or that engage an interesting and complex idea, or do a deeply personal single-character story. Most if not all of my examples can be found trivially online with Google, and if I didn't like them they wouldn't be there. What I Don't Want: Fanfiction or Erotica, obviously. I also don't want to be bored or confused. I will offer flash rules on request. They will be harsh, and fairly abstract. You run a risk of being assigned epic poetry if you ask. If you want a more concrete flash rule, ask one of the other judges Entry Deadline: 11:59 PM California time Friday Submission Deadline: 11:59 PM California Time Sunday. Judges: Thranguy Broenheim Djeser Entrants: Entenzahn skwidmonster Kaiju15 jon joe SlipUp epoch. Killer-of-Lawyers Benny Profane Second Person Narrative Jonked Epistolary Story anime was right GlyphGryph God Over Djinn sebmojo SadisTech  Obliterati kurona_bright crabrock Morning Bell Sitting Here Cingulate Bompacho Nilkaer Drekin curlingiron Unreliable Narrator Oxxidation Fumblemouse Grizzled Patriarch theblunderbuss Kaishai Thranguy fucked around with this message at 13:35 on Sep 5, 2015 |
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Sep 1, 2015 17:58
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in
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Sep 1, 2015 18:01
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IN gently caress yes
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Sep 1, 2015 18:06
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In.
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Sep 1, 2015 18:07
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Hi Thunderdome I'm judgein
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Sep 1, 2015 18:22
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In it to win it
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Sep 1, 2015 18:27
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in
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Sep 1, 2015 18:27
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This is a gently caressin cool prompt. edit: Gaiman's story about Bradbury made me cry. If it doesn't make you cry, please, consider CHOKING TO DEATH ON YOUR SUBWAY(R) SANDWICH, FOR YOU ARE A HEARTLESS PEDERAST. epoch. fucked around with this message at 18:48 on Sep 1, 2015 |
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Sep 1, 2015 18:37
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In.
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Sep 1, 2015 18:49
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In, and requesting a harsh/abstract flash rule.
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Sep 1, 2015 18:59
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Benny Profane posted:In, and requesting a harsh/abstract flash rule. All right! You get Second Person Narrative. Enjoy!
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Sep 1, 2015 19:22
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In, requesting a flash rule.
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Sep 1, 2015 20:02
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Jonked posted:In, requesting a flash rule. And for you it'll be a Epistolary Story. Make sure the chunks are big enough I don't mistake it for dialog!
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Sep 1, 2015 20:08
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