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I'm in, what's the house special? Thanks to both Broenheim and Djinn for the crits.
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Sep 22, 2015 03:26
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worlds_best_author posted:I'm in, what's the house special? Lovely to have you, worlds_best_author! Our new chef Tyrannosaurus has prepared his famous specialty just for you - Vietnamese Blood Soup (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ti%E1%BA%BFt_canh). Wait, who hired that guy?
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Sep 22, 2015 03:34
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in I'm hungry for a win, what's on the menu?
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Sep 22, 2015 03:35
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SlipUp posted:in Howyagoin! We got the best chicken parma (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_parmigiana) this side of the Barassi line, mate!
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Sep 22, 2015 03:37
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Let's go to In-N-Out.
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Sep 22, 2015 03:37
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Boaz-Jachim posted:Let's go to In-N-Out. I am assuming this means you are in and not out. That's good because you are in with my favourite soup, borscht! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borscht)
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Sep 22, 2015 03:39
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Morning Bell posted:Lovely to have you, worlds_best_author! Our new chef Tyrannosaurus has prepared his famous specialty just for you - Vietnamese Blood Soup (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ti%E1%BA%BFt_canh). I hope you love it
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Sep 22, 2015 04:11
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In
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Sep 22, 2015 04:28
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In
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Sep 22, 2015 04:33
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Oh man sorry I didn't know you were coming round! Uh, let me check what I've got in my fridge... Jelly. Can you smell that? Roast leg of mutton!
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Sep 22, 2015 04:52
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you know what this is a horrible idea so im in with an even worse idea, with a 
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Sep 22, 2015 06:17
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Broenheim posted:you know what this is a horrible idea so im in Hey man you look like you could use something sweet. Take a seat, I'll bring you some cake!
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Sep 22, 2015 06:19
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I'm so hungry. So very, very hungry. Give me something good, and I will grant you three wishes*. *(but you have to wish for a poo poo story three times in a row)
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Sep 22, 2015 06:45
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Screaming Idiot posted:I'm so hungry. So very, very hungry. Give me something good, and I will grant you three wishes*. Aw man, so my goddamn doctor put me on a health kick! Had to clean my pantry out. All I've got to offer is this sour green apple.
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Sep 22, 2015 06:50
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yeah sure whatever in
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Sep 22, 2015 08:57
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Entenzahn posted:yeah sure whatever in Screw it man I'm too high to cook anything, let's just have pizza.
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Sep 22, 2015 09:31
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In.
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Sep 22, 2015 10:06
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Welcome my friend! Pull up a seat. For you I have some Russian pelmeni (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pelmeni)
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Sep 22, 2015 11:18
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Doing two crits for last week as penance for my lateness.
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Sep 22, 2015 15:52
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i want one
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Sep 22, 2015 15:54
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I want one too.
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Sep 22, 2015 16:01
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In
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Sep 22, 2015 18:03
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I just wanted to come in here and formally apologize for not posting a submission for the British Museum Artifact prompt. Truth is, I did write something, but I had so much trouble editing the word count down, and I realized how thin my skin still is when it comes to the kind of stalwart criticism being dished out in here. I'm really sorry for being such a pussy, and I hope I don't get mocked too much/get to submit for real in the future when I've grown a ball or two.
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Sep 22, 2015 19:45
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No one cares.
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Sep 22, 2015 19:46
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bye
anime was right fucked around with this message at 07:00 on Oct 27, 2015 |
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Sep 22, 2015 19:47
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strangeconcoction posted:I just wanted to come in here and formally apologize for not posting a submission for the British Museum Artifact prompt. Truth is, I did write something, but I had so much trouble editing the word count down, and I realized how thin my skin still is when it comes to the kind of stalwart criticism being dished out in here. I'm really sorry for being such a pussy, and I hope I don't get mocked too much/get to submit for real in the future when I've grown a ball or two. Tyrannosaurus posted:No one cares. HOWEVER, if you do choose to sign up again, I will offer you a pre-crit of your story (meaning, I will help you cut words and give you plot advice before you submit). The thing is, balls don't just magically sprout overnight, usually. You kind of have to put yourself out there for that to happen.
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Sep 22, 2015 21:24
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strangeconcoction posted:I just wanted to come in here and formally apologize for not posting a submission for the British Museum Artifact prompt. Truth is, I did write something, but I had so much trouble editing the word count down, and I realized how thin my skin still is when it comes to the kind of stalwart criticism being dished out in here. I'm really sorry for being such a pussy, and I hope I don't get mocked too much/get to submit for real in the future when I've grown a ball or two. I will give you a crit in full kayfabe mode for your first TD submission because of how much I hate your cringing post.
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Sep 22, 2015 21:32
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more like gayfabe
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Sep 22, 2015 21:35
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Mojo eat the crits.
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Sep 22, 2015 21:58
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So, my new housemate's vegan - I know, right? All we have kicking around here is some falafel (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Falafel).
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Sep 22, 2015 23:25
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In with a due to my absence.
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Sep 22, 2015 23:57
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Bompacho posted:In with a This is awkward, but... I never actually learned how to peel these things. Can you pass those prawns?
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Sep 23, 2015 00:21
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Edit the white splotches to look like dog drool and I'd buy this as an emoticon tbh.
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Sep 23, 2015 02:15
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my upstairs bathroom toilet leaked all over my downstairs toilet. I turned the upstairs water off and called my landlord, and he said he couldn't come by til thursday morning. I said we couldn't have 5 bedrooms with only one working bathroom, because most of the rooms have two people, so we were gonna call a plumber. he wants me to wait and thinks that one bathroom is enough for 2 days... can i just call the plumber and take it off my rent, or am I gonna have to pay this? teddybear where are you 
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Sep 23, 2015 02:33
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 In.
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Sep 23, 2015 02:46
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I spent all my money on fancy food for this prompt. Sorry man, all I can afford to get you is an onion.
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Sep 23, 2015 03:00
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 Crits for rewrite weekPumpkin Mash by Lazy Beggar Lazy beggar there is a sort of rule in stories that you are borrowing the readers time and you should take care of that time while you have it. You hosed that up, hardcore. You've got a clear enough goal and a protagonist that acts to achieve that goal; good. You have in your head a pleasingly complex web of characters and complications. But basically none of it loving matters and you choose the most tedious way imaginable to show everything. Take dialogue: 'i'm gonna do thing?' 'ok' 'ok!' 'ok.' 'ok, i'll go do thing!' 'ok, bye' 'ok ttyl' is the barest hyperbolising of your efforts at having humans talk to each other. Don't have people talk like they do in real life, or even how they do in bad jrpgs, have them talk like they do in good books (there's a hidden action point in that sentence, see if you can find it). I started doing a line by line of this but stopped when I found myself just scissoring out hundreds of words at a time. Go back and look at what kai did with her story. Every detail is placed for a reason and the emotional question asked at the beginning (will nice nerdy girl get guy of her nice nerdy dreams) is answered in a sweet, satisying and mildly unexpected way. Meat Loaf by epoch you show enough baseline verbal facility in this one that i'm disappointed it's not better; you just flip the story you're rewriting 'round, but unlike Thranguy in his similarly mirrored rewrite of yardwork, you don't give the reader anything new. Yeah, the protag of the other story is a weirdo - so? Show me something I couldn't have got from a mental find/replace. Also, you could cut the first para. Always cut the first para, then put it back if it's not better (you won't put it back) The abduction myth by no beer left Read your first bit of the story with the eyes of someone coming to it for the first time. See how little happens that is interesting. There's a guy, a bar, it's crowded, there are credits, some kind of vague cyberpunk milieu, it's a dribbling flatulent belch of 'ehhhhh' right up to the '---'. Cut it. Now see how much poppier your story reads? dudes in a car, hinted at back story, somethings about to happen. I mean don't get me wrong it would still be terrible, it just wouldn't be terrible so quickly. Your idea (violence prostitutes) is impressively squicky and you could build a good story around it, as you could with a relationship between mother and daughter as hosed up as that but instead you give us a boring story about a bored guy being bored by his day at the violence office. keep at it chum, you'll get better - just pick everything you decide to show us like we're billing you by the word. House work and road work by thranguy This was comfortably the best winner rewrite, because it's really hard to rewrite a winner - not because it's necessarily a brilliant story, but because whatever it did, worked. Yours worked because it was a slab of words that made itself necessary - i read it and it made the brusque tough-guy hemingwayisms of the original ridiculous while letting them stay valid. you even manage to do a neat trick with the action - they're both doing a set of actions while musing, but they have a different focus - yours is all about the details, instead of the physical sensation of the original. Just 'Housework' woudl have been a better title tho. Presidential trail etc by entenzahn I didn't love this as much as my other judges - it's too pleased with itself and there's a bunch of clunky monkey word plodding that goes against teh slick tdome wacky furrow you're endeavouring to plough. Still, it's a gag, it's a pretty funny one, i guess you pass. Track down BARACK OBAMA VS THE LAND PIRATES OF WICHITA to see how it's really done, though. how sy lost his hop by jon joe not gonna lie giving you that flash rule made me chortle for teh rest of the day, so gj on owning it. I would have liked it even better if it hadn't been meaningfully related to the story at all, just i dunno a kitchen sink drama with everyone hopping around, haha. As it is you leave us with slightly blue narrative balls; you dangle the possibility of resolution then yank it away. It's a nice mood but the rest of the story doesn't really justify it, because you've sort of embraced the absurdity so the final  isn't earnt. Not terrible however.34th and cicero by worlds best author oxxidations original was pretty average for him and your apple didn't fall far enough from the tree to avoid the same problems, it's basically a formal exercise in consequences and they're often dull to read. You have tolerable words, but all your sound and fury doesn't find any purchase on the emotions. The Roosters last stand by mons hubris This is well tooled chunk of words, for all that it makes little effort to change up the story, 'rewrite' was kept purposefully vague so i guess that's fine; you write trex's perfectly decent story, change the details a bit and add a different but not as good ending. 50m by tyrannosaurus rex This ticks all the technical boxes, it's a slick fast yarn, but somehow it doesn't hang for me. You have a story that is made up of backstory and setup then gestures slyly towards the climax. Would probably have worked better at length, coz who doesn't want to read sparkly mermen for another few k words. As it is you've whizzed up all the ingredients but you stopped the whirling blades before they rendered your words into the silky consistency I've come to require since I replaced my esophagus with robot bits. Mist by after the war Three paras in and we're more purple than early 90s Prince. If you have gulls, don't make them plaintive, please, and when they talk about killing your babies THE RAW IRONIC MUNITION OF THE WORD is exactly the sort of thing they mean. And by they I mean I. Reading on, omg they're crying and they're falling and theyre weeping and omg omg call the loving boohoo cops we have a situation. You can do intense emotion in flash but it's really hard and you don't get to just assume we'll care about your brusquely sketched blubbering cliches. Express emotion through action, show don't tell. The only action you have is standing, crying, more crying remembering more standing BUT THIS TIME THE STANDING IS EVEN MORE EMOTIONALLY SIGNIFICANT DO YOU NOT SEE. this probably should have got a dm, for all that you know your way around your words adequately. With every stroke by leekster This story is a textbook demo of why you always do a start check (lol ironic rite) to make sure your story is starting at an interesting and preferably exciting place. You have someone struggling to remember a French lesson. First, struggle is vague, what does it look sound feel or taste like? Second who gives a shiiiiiiiit leekster. Don't answer that, I know the answer already. You've laden this story down with doubtless agonisingly authentic details of competitive rowing but I'm left none the goddam wiser about what it actually feels like to race a loving boat and that is NOT GOOD do you understand me since that is the ENTIRE PAYLOAD of this dumb story, person races boat, person feels and experiences things. As it is it was also lucky to escape a dm because terrible tho it was, vambraces at sea at least had some demented sass in its tale of sisterly spilled entrails. This is four and a half boat lengths of wgaf. Europan fragment analysis by fumblemouse This is ballsy, you've basically submitted a crit as a story even if it's a weird alien crit As it happens this is one of my favourite stories in the dome for how it took an insane flash rule - no punctuation apart from full stops - and made it both effective and affecting. The original is so buttoned down yet clearly yearning to feel that it evokes an emotional pull, like a bit of metal held just above a magnet. Your piece doesn't do much more than point at the original and go 'huh, how about that'; it's a moderately clever idea decently executed but I'm not sure even excellent execution could have raised this above its original. Predator squared by new test leper It's is only ever short for it is, newt Predator poem by muffin A simpler tale than I'd expect from you, given free rein to squeeze yer poetry gland hard and cover the screen with its hot juice. This is brief and straightforward and doesn't have enough lyrical or metrical interest, despite the repetition of your chosen words, to make me do more than push my lips out in a dispirited Gallic 'bof' sort of expression. Cronus by spectres of autism Dormers attend, this is how to do a musing introspective protagonist. Surround them with a compelling situation, some nicely delivered mythic resonance (having him as a teacher is clever, if verging on too on the nose) and well done, cleanly integrated action. This was a really good piece. Last man in the world by dock lock This didn't grab me at my first read, possibly because you muff the introduction of Sarah -- you could have got more emotional mileage if you'd brought her in quicker, and stronger with more of a tinge of desperate hope to increase the letdown- but this is a great piece. Detailed and brutal, with the magic realist metaphor worm tying the gnarled fuckery of the central relationship into a tight and perfectly ugly package. Iron maiden piece by Mercedes. This is pretty bad and I think you know that, but the heavy metal brutal legendisms and the snarling guitar character have some juice. Real sloppy though and I'm not just being picky. When you've got a cool image just let it stand by itself, don't explain the image in bad words right after. If you have something happening that's awesome then pick a neat arresting detail about that awesome thing and show it to me, don't be lazy and say WHOAH IT WAS SO AWESOME the only person who can get away with that is Chairchucker and even he only hits one time in three. I'll line by line this for you because it needs a vigorous trim. Which wont make it good, to be clear, but it might get it closer to hitting the mark that it aims at. Also if you end another story like that I will end u, do you hear Sol invictus by crab rock If your opening sentence had lips I would kiss it or at least stare at it fractionally longer than I should and feel a bit embarrassed. This is an elaborated and beautifully gnarly yarn that does a similar job to the yard work rewrite by recontextualising and transforming the original by way of a well-evoked gender swap. I think your higgledy piggledy structure could do with another edit pass even though it basically carries its weight, and the end didn't need to be quite as ambiguous - you're cheating us out of the actual challenge for your protag but, again you get away with it. I'd put this even with djinn's original, which I liked the hell out of so pat yourself on the carapace with a claw if you can reach I guess. Cervical fracture by Kurona bright Puzzled by why you called your story 'broken neck', mentioned the broken neck in the first para then had the protag surprised by it? In general the whole thing is clunky like that, you have some nice vivid images and turns of phrase but the words you use as connective tissue are sludgy and dull. Whenever you write 'made it impossible'' or ' found his way' then delete it. Simple strong verb constructions aren't the only way to write but they're a great way to start. The other prob with this is you have a beginning and an end but no middle. What happens to make him want to rejoin his poorly described dead sister in the sweet and palatial heavenly condo they're doubtless signed up for? Don't know, don't particularly care b/c you haven't made me care. From moment to moment by ovaltine Your first two sections are actually real tight. I like the precision of the observations and the tension you set up. Then you piss it away by having it happen off camera. Not because spousal murder is particularly interesting in itself, but you are telling us a story about someone who doesn't do anything and that is nearly always a bad idea. If you like, take as an exercise to rewrite from just before the mother gets murdered and have the protag act. Don't really care how, try and surprise yourself. As it stands this story has nothing to say past the halfway mark. Funerals are there to make people forget by broenheim Apart from using peddle for pedal, (unless your protag kid is a bicycle merchant or s/thing) this is a tight and lovely piece that takes a legendarily terrible cornerstone of thunderdome and makes it into a bittersweet coming of age yarn with precise control of its well-chosen details and a nicely understated final emotional kicker. Good title too. I'd try and sell this. Did he who made the lamb make thee by grizzled patriarch. This is a classy motherfucker of a piece from start to finish. In a perfect world maybe I'd like more agency from the main character doctor guy: as it is he's a slightly troubled camera? Perhaps removing the largely offscreen praetor and having Albanus be the only protag? But pulling off a slice of clotted gothic like this and burying Calvin and loving Hobbes in it without making it a terrible in-jokey pile of nonsense is a masterful thing so colon golfclap colon for that goon sire. Nice work. Taijitu by fuchsia tide Your words are all good and there's a good beginning to a story here, but your actual conflict is wafer thin - 'I don't want to do thing!' '... Ok'. Then it stops. I like your grumpy but caring giants,and the monsters inc style boo character is cute but your ending only warrants a bemused shrug.. Come back to these guys, i would quite like to read more of their adventures. Robots by chucker age 9 and three quarters I liked this, it was pretty funny sebmojo fucked around with this message at 03:19 on Sep 23, 2015 |
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Sep 23, 2015 03:16
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strangeconcoction posted:I just wanted to come in here and formally apologize for not posting a submission for the British Museum Artifact prompt. Truth is, I did write something, but I had so much trouble editing the word count down, and I realized how thin my skin still is when it comes to the kind of stalwart criticism being dished out in here. I'm really sorry for being such a pussy, and I hope I don't get mocked too much/get to submit for real in the future when I've grown a ball or two. Lol no one cares SurreptitiousMuffin posted:Mojo eat the crits. Eat my "Penis'
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Sep 23, 2015 03:39
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They don't put it in scare quotes because it's big I'll tell you what
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Sep 23, 2015 04:29
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SurreptitiousMuffin posted:They don't put it in scare quotes because it's big I'll tell you what It ate half a quotation mark, and it's only barely teatime!
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Sep 23, 2015 04:49
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