Volkerball posted:

Trying to find an older quote. It was from a guy describing a tabletop game he played with some kid who didn't take the game seriously. The kid was running around hitting everything with a hammer, and eventually, he ended up stuck in a pit and got everyone killed by hitting dynamite with the hammer. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

quote:

This is a repost, originally from the forums at Something Awful, but I couldn't find it in the archives anywhere and couldn't resist sharing it with you guys. This story, along with the Tale of Old Man Henderson and some others figured prominently in my recent acquisition of the CoC rulebook, definitely for all the wrong reasons.

I'll try to remember it in full. It's a worst experience, so it fits in here.

A friend of mine, one of my regular players, borrowed my Call of Cthulhu material and decided he was going to run a game at the gaming society we both attend. This was a bad idea for a couple of reasons, the first being that it's hard to do evocative horror when you have a busy, happy background going on around you (unless you're specifically playing up the social alienation angle). The second, and more important, reason it was a bad idea was because he invited Donnie to play.

Donnie is a good guy. I ran a Blue Rose campaign, he played in it, and it was great fun for all involved. However, Donnie is not a subtle guy, and he's not the sort of guy who can experience horror or exercise fearful judgement when it's required. As evidence toward this, when the group was rolling up reasonable, urbane, ordinary Call of Cthulhu characters, he decided to make a doctor.

With maximum ranks in the "headbutt" skill. More points in "headbutt" than he had in "medicine", and his character was a doctor. My friend convinced him to at least make his "medicine" skill equal to "headbutt", and the game proceeded on track.

You know the old saying, "Give a man a hammer, and everything looks like a nail?" Well, when you turn a man into a hammer, the same thing is true. Donnie tried to headbutt everything even vaguely problematic. It started with a door that wouldn't open, escalated to an ATM (which he scored a critical success against, and landed some free cash) and climaxed with him headbutting a skeleton after stumbling out-

Let's wind it back a bit. During the course of the adventure, when they started encountering horrific skeletons that stalked their every move during the night, the party decided to tool up on weaponry. They visited a mall, broke in, and decided to ransack some of the shops to acquire weapons. Someone got a fire axe from a hardware store. Most got guns from a gun store. Donnie, since he liked fireworks, decided to drive to the local mining supply depot while this was happening, and after headbutting his way into a badly locked supply shack he made off with a backpack full of dynamite.

Eventually they tracked the skeletons down to an old well in the back garden of a manor house, and after a bit of research discovered that it had a cursed stone in at the bottom. Being pro-active, Donnie suggested they lower him into the well with a flashlight and his dynamite, and he'd rig it to blow. It sounded plausible, so they lowered him down with the flashlight and a pistol, and waited until he was in place.

Messing around in the thick mud at the bottom, his flashlight soon failed. Not alarmed, Donnie started feeling around to find the cursed stone, and was in the process of feeling its edges when the cursed blood he was sloshing around in began to form into yet more skeletons, as it was so dark down there it might as well be night. A skeleton grabbed the rope and pulled it down, and then began wrestling with him, dragging him into the mud.

Donnie let out a shout. Up at the top of the well, the rest of the party thought he was asking for the dynamite, and tossed it down. Desperately, Donnie began to headbutt the dynamite, hoping to set it off before the skeleton flayed him alive. Cue the following exchange:

"He's taking a long time down there." "Can you see what's going on?" "No, my flashlight isn't working." "Give me those matches."

The player fumbled and dropped the match, and Donnie simultaneously landed a critical hit with his headbutt.

A massive explosion blew the well to smithereens. Rolling on the resistance table, Donnie survived the initial explosion, was thrown several blocks away, and crashed into some lady's house, breaking his legs. Understandably panicked, the lady called an ambulance, and five minutes later it turned up. At this point Donnie regained consciousness, and rather than be taken to hospital, he held the ambulance crew up with his pistol and stole the ambulance.

Meanwhile, a horrible, rapidly decaying, muddy skeleton made from blood and charred, broken stone clawed its way out of the well in the shadow of the (now wrecked) house and began to advance on the party. Cue a massive combat that grew rapidly more tense, until it was interrupted by the sound of...

Sirens? The ambulance crashed through the fence, ran over the skeleton and screeched to a halt. Donnie, his legs broken, staggered out of the ambulance and fell to the ground, right beside the pinned monster. It proceeded to try and grab him, and he responded the only way he knew how.

With a headbutt.

Edit: and remember, it's Doctor McHeadbutt. He worked long and hard for that PhD in Aggressive Phrenology.

Mans posted:

I need two quotes.


The one with the junkie with the dead arm spinning it around like an helicopter blade and the goon who freaked out at someone askign for smokes so he threw a whole pizza at a kid and fled a parking lot on foot.

tia

WET BUTT posted:

Dr Stigma: We're going to have to amputate your arm you stupid idiot retard
Me: *spins around really fast so my dead arm knocks all the doctors and nurses surrounding me to the ground* *picks up heroin syringe in mouth, leaps out of hospital window like a dog*

Bareback Rodeo posted:

About three months ago I bought a pizza from the local supermarket and decided that eating it in the park over the road might be nice for a change of scenery, so I walked over there and sat down at a bench. At the next one over, there was a group of teenagers drinking and smoking and having a quiet chat.

Now, as soon as I sat down I felt uncomfortable, but it was too late to move so I just kept eating my pizza.

About ten seconds later, one of the taller guys comes over and stands next to me. I thought he was about to make fun of me or something, but when I looked over at his friends they were all preoccupied with themselves, so I looked up at him.

"Yo, [INCOHERENT], you got any weed?"

This guy had no expression on his face at all. He looked like a loving statue. I didn't want any trouble from him, and I didn't have any drugs, so I figured that if I just gave him the rest of my pizza he'd leave me alone.

Anyway, as soon as I gave him the pizza he started laughing. He turned back to his friends, laughing and shaking his head, and then turned back around and handed me the pizza. Then he said something incoherent again and punched me in the shoulder.

What the gently caress was going on? I stood up and tossed the pizza just behind him so he would have to turn around and then I just got the gently caress out of there.

VendaGoat posted:

You mean the headbutt guy in a call of Cthulu game?

VendaGoat posted:

You mean the headbutt guy in a call of Cthulu game?

Xun posted:

What was that quote where a goon tried to hide his boner by crawling out of the room meowing?

Wtf???

rahum posted:

Recently I found I was not the only one.

Long ago, when I would be making out with a lady, I would get a boner, and for whatever reason, I thought she might be upset about that (I don't know why). So when we were finished with kissing, I would have to leave the room "clever" so she woudlent see it.

What I would do was crawl away on all fours pretending to be a cat. I would even go as far as saying "meow" as I crawled around the corner to fix myself before I went upstairs.....

Another friend of mine apparently use to pretend he was a monkey while jumped around until he was clear out of the room.

Anyone else?

E1M1 posted:

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

*Ernest Cline slides up from out of a toilet like the liquid metal terminator, speaks in an inexplicable The Mask voice* Diiiiiiiiiiiid SOMEBODY say the EIGHTIES? *waggles eyebrows while chainmaille bowtie spins*

Linux Pirate posted:

theflyingorc posted:

patrol went great, i managed to keep all pussy out of the area

MariusLecter posted:

is it gauche to post a quote from a thread I made?

trapped mouse posted:

no but remember that one time someone posted their own quote to the quote thread? it was a few threads back, it owned

trapped mouse posted:

no but remember that one time someone posted their own quote to the quote thread? it was a few threads back, it owned

trapped mouse posted:

no but remember that one time someone posted their own quote to the quote thread? it was a few threads back, it owned

Kajeesus posted:

Nobody cares if you quote yourself when the actual joke/punchline is a post made in response to yours.

trapped mouse posted:

Smythe posted:

lol ya, it would suck to get to be sucked and hosed by a cool bro who can get good headshots, doesnt talk like a bitch and like fail bitch poo poo like ballet, and is horny as hell like a man. lol, yea, that wuld suck. -said nobody ever. like, imagine being gay and like you could be lanning with a freakin pro rear end gamer whos good as hell, then eat some mega brats and beers, pump iron, and then gently caress unttil your both devoid of cum with no reservations. that would own. instead i have to put up with women, lmfao. WOW. is it worth going to the ballet and eating vegan cruelty free salads just to get titty hosed by a hot little whore from new york? is it worth listening to their small vocal chords make high pitch wailing sounds as they count your money theyve spent on jewelry and neimen marcus hand bags or whatever just so you can look up their skirt as you walk up the stairs and then lift their tiny body onto the dining room table and pound them for 2 mintues and 30 seconds until you halfheartedly cum out of a semi flaccid dick? is it worth it to toelrate their low IQ derived from their small cranium and idiotic opinions just so you can push rope, close your eyes, and imagine you're actyally getting railed up the rear end by the dota heroin Queen of Pain? not sure pal. im not even sure anymore.

Smythe posted:

sometimes i like to imagine im just laying in my bed reading a magazine and i hear a footstep. im like hello? whos there? and i sit up and look thru the doorway and think i see a purple guy but then whoosh hes gone. i think hmm well guess it was nothing.. just the wind. then hes next to me "and it faceless void - Dark portents ahead" he coyly quips. before i can react hes cast chronosphere on me and im frozen still. he saunters up to me, hhis hammerhead-head bobbing sexily, his perfectly toned purple body flexing, his sinew stretching like leather. he flattens me out like an ironing board. "time to meet, mace to face" and his huge purple cock slips out from the side of his loin cloth. needless to say im taking hits to the face and loving it. he procs a bash and it does double damage, my teeth shatter and my nose is broken. finally he rolls me over like a log and opens my schincter like the goatman and timelocks it in place. hes pumping into my cavernous rear end in a top hat. hes popped his mask of madness and hes loving me harder and faster. mailstrom procs and shoots lightning through my body. he cums just as the chronofield expires. im badly beaten, broken face, my hair singed from repeated electrocution. "You lose face...and life." just when i think hes done... a green swirl pulses over his body. he grins "We all owe a life to the fates."

Karate Bastard posted:

Could use some context mang

Karate Bastard posted:

Could use some context mang

Sir Teabag posted:

The superego urges the subject to also bare his belly unconsciously, when in the presence of the Lakers girls. This is the natural logic of capitalist consumption. "Come on you fat slob, the sexualized brands demand that you enjoy."

Karate Bastard posted:

Could use some context mang

RandomFerret posted:

Okay, well, looks like I just started a twitter war with William F. Gibson stuck in the middle. Not was I was expecting to do today.

Sleeveless posted:

EXAKT Science posted:

No, it's perfect just the way it is.

death .cab for qt posted:

You guys ain't never turd raced before? You get three of your buddies and sit in the handicrapper with your skivvies by your shins and each one of ya does a squat and pop. Countdown from 5, toss that poo poo at the stall wall and see whose hits the floor last. Slowest stool's gotta buy a round for not eating their wheaties. I remember one time Chuck had to buy rounds all night because he was going commando (no-no for racing, strike one) and popped a squatter over his open palm, but dude had only eaten jalapeño cheddar kettle-cooked old dutch for lunch and just let loose the brown niagra in his hand. not even any underwear to sieve the stream, just slipped right between his fingers and filled his drawers + pooled around his sneaks. Chuck just turned red and tried to buckle up and stumble out but you could hear him squish on every step, I was laffin so hard I nearly missed the mark. randy lost that one but it was all just the theatrics of it because we knew if Chuck was still by the bar he was gonna be buying, and sure nuff he was sitting on his stool in a spare pair of skate shorts with his head in his hands like he just lost all the talladookie nights. he bought us all drinks and we bought him a proper meal, so weren't hard feelings, but the moral of the story is you never free ball when you p ball and you always have a solid lunch

Super Waffle posted:

trapped mouse posted:

no but remember that one time someone posted their own quote to the quote thread? it was a few threads back, it owned

Jollity Farm posted:

Bloody Hedgehog posted:

Triticum Guzzler posted:

theres an entire parallel jewish societal structure including a special ambulance thats a sports car where a guywill come at high speed to cut up your sons dick

Faux-rear end Nonsense posted:

Pastry of the Year posted:

New Silent Hill game is sounding pretty good.