LORD OF BUTT posted:

I mean, the key problem in here is that his weird fetish is repeatedly putting him in the hospital, not that he has said weird fetish in the first place. Wouldn't teaching him how to fulfill it in a safe way (provided said safe way actually exists- I'm not exactly familiar with sounding and like loving hell if I'm googling it) be the more constructive way to handle it than trying to cure the fetish (which I'm... not even sure is possible)?

many johnnys posted:

Being the guy that bring up sex positivity in a thread about a 12-year-old jamming things up his pee hole and almost dying

can you even imagine

freeedr posted:

The first time I removed a device I had never heard of such things. It took a lot of force to get it out and then a stream of pus came after it. Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

freeedr posted:

I've removed foreign objects from urethras on more than one occasion. I can tell you that even the things that are designed to go into a urethra for sexual purposes are still unsafe to put into a urethra. Also, if something gets stuck, please don't let your embarrassment cause you to wait to get medical help. The infections can be terrible.

The first time I removed a device I had never heard of such things. It took a lot of force to get it out and then a stream of pus came after it. Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

Welp that's my story that isn't a quote hope you liked it au revoir

Choco1980 posted:

Well, there are safer ways to do sounding as I understand it (make sure objects are smooth and not pointy, use lube, etc) but the whole idea makes me wince in pain. The real horror came when the OP realized her brother was actually into inflation porn, and was very likely pumping air up his urethra, which is not at all safe.

freeedr posted:

I've removed foreign objects from urethras on more than one occasion. I can tell you that even the things that are designed to go into a urethra for sexual purposes are still unsafe to put into a urethra. Also, if something gets stuck, please don't let your embarrassment cause you to wait to get medical help. The infections can be terrible.

The first time I removed a device I had never heard of such things. It took a lot of force to get it out and then a stream of pus came after it. Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

Welp that's my story that isn't a quote hope you liked it au revoir

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

I... need to hear more.


God help me.

freeedr posted:

I've removed foreign objects from urethras on more than one occasion. I can tell you that even the things that are designed to go into a urethra for sexual purposes are still unsafe to put into a urethra. Also, if something gets stuck, please don't let your embarrassment cause you to wait to get medical help. The infections can be terrible.

The first time I removed a device I had never heard of such things. It took a lot of force to get it out and then a stream of pus came after it. Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

Welp that's my story that isn't a quote hope you liked it au revoir

Canemacar posted:

So how long before bed each night do you pray for the Great Old Ones to descend from the dark behind the stars and consume all life on this planet?

Aphrodite posted:

But why is it called sounding?

PBS Newshour posted:

it was tried on a pianist first

canyoneer posted:

Then why does it go inside an organ?

Aphrodite posted:

But why is it called sounding?

Moist von Lipwig posted:

wow kill all nerds

computer parts posted:

wow does kill all nerds, but it takes time

Aphrodite posted:

But why is it called sounding?

PBS Newshour posted:

it was tried on a pianist first

canyoneer posted:

Then why does it go inside an organ?

freeedr posted:

I've removed foreign objects from urethras on more than one occasion. I can tell you that even the things that are designed to go into a urethra for sexual purposes are still unsafe to put into a urethra. Also, if something gets stuck, please don't let your embarrassment cause you to wait to get medical help. The infections can be terrible.

The first time I removed a device I had never heard of such things. It took a lot of force to get it out and then a stream of pus came after it. Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

Welp that's my story that isn't a quote hope you liked it au revoir

canyoneer posted:

Then why does it go inside an organ?

Paladinus posted:

I imagine it's more like a slide whistle.

Jedit posted:

More like a flugelhorn by the time you're done.

Mr.Tophat posted:

Being in a constant internet war must change how you see text on a screen. Instead of seeing comments you see lawsuits like in the matrix.

Dr. Gitmo Moneyson posted:

I can't tell if you didn't get the pianist joke, or if you're just adding to it.

freeedr posted:

Welp that's my story that isn't a quote hope you liked it au revoir

quote:

That's mjq jazz bar. Here is the entire collection:

I came home this afternoon after picking up my copy of gta and I smelled something funny from my neighbors house. I went over there and the door was unlocked so I went right in. Sure enough there was my neighbor and two of his friends smoking to their hearts content. I told them they had two options, one- they could put the joints out or two- I would put the joints out for them. My neighbor had run ins with me before so he knew I meant business so he threw his joint down and told me to leave. I said you made a wise choice but I'm still calling the cops and then I turned to leave. My neighbor then got up off the couch got behind me and said a few cuss words and told me to mind my business. Well that did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "lets get high". I then front kicked him a good 8 feet in the air. Then his other friend came at me with the bong, I grabbed his arm, snapped it and then hit him in the stomach with the bong. His other friend ran into the kitchen so I went after him. He was in the corner crying so I said "this is your brain" and then I grabbed a frying pan and said "this is your brain on drugs" and then I hit him in the head as hard as I could with the frying pan. After that I called the cops and they came over and arrested my neighbor and his friends. As I was leaving the sarge shouted out to me thanks. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said " well you know sarge, perhaps if we build a freaking dunkin doughnuts on this street it would give you guys a excuse to ride up here once or twice a week and keep the crime down. I then threw my shades on the ground to let him know I meant business. I feel pretty good about what I did for my neighborhood today. ~mjq jazz bar

Me and one of my friends went out today for some dinner so we stopped at a pretty nice restaurant. I don't smoke and most of the time I sit in the non smoking section but I didn't feel like walking to the back of the restaurant today so me and my friend sat at the first table we came to in the smoking section. Since most ppl should be aware that I don't smoke I didn't think I would have any problems. I was wrong. This jerk lit up a cigarette right next to me. I couldn't belive this fat jerk was disrepecting me like this so I turned around and looked him right in the eye and said " you might want to put that out fag..........That is,if you value your health". The guy said a couple of cuss words and told me to go to the non smoking section. Well that did it. I got up went over to the table and said "excuse me fag but you didn't clean your plate", and then I took his plate and bashed him over the head with it. Then his friend that was with him got up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a swift round kick to the ribs. I then hip tossed him on the table and then I turned around and looked one of the waiters right in the eye and said "this orders to go" and then I tossed the table with the guy on it a good 14 feet across the room. As me and my friend were storming out the manager apologized to us but I told him it was too late as I would never eat there again. ~mjq jazz bar

So, I was at work yesterday, and I happened to walk by this guy's desk. I noticed on his computer screen that he had his personal E-mails pulled up. I asked him who he thought he was to do this on company time, and then, he told me that his daughter was sick at home, so he was checking up on her. I then punched his cimputer screen out, and Look him straight in the eye and said, " Who do you think I am? Jerry Lewis? I dont want to hear your sob story, so get back to work before I get you fired." He then said a few cusswords, and then, then He tried to punch me, I blocked it, then , I gave him a swift, round kick to the groin. I asked him if he wanted some more, and he came at me, again, so, I slapped him, then I hip tossed him into the nearest filing cabinent. I looked Over my should at anther worker who was standing near by, and I said...." File him under G..... for garbage." Needless to say, I was quite pleased, because now, that means there one less person in the company for people to look at. All eyes should be on me. I'm a stud. ~ mjq jazz bar

Well, I walk in to buy some tissues, and at the counter, I hear the manager talking about some skateboard punks in the back by the garbage bins. The guy said he was about to have to call the cops. I told him there's no need to, I'll take care of it myself. So, I walked to the back of the store, and lo and behold, a couple of good for nothings were tearing the place up. A couple of them asked me what I was doing here, so I took of my shades, looked them straight in eye, and said, " Well boys, I'm here to take out the trash, then I grabed one of their skateboards, and broke it over my knee. Then, one of them threw a punch at me. I caught it, and looked thr punk straight in the eye, and said " I'm afraid theres no need for you to be recycled, then I threw him straight over my head into one of the garbage dumpsters. Then, the rest of the kids ran away in fear. I was glad I could help my community, and look good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

Around the corner from my weight training job they have a cafe where they make pretty good cheeseburgers. Usually I get mine with mushrooms and onions. Well today I went in there and there was this stoner bitch in there with enormous dreadlocks and a nose ring which is a violation of the safety code. I said 'Where is the regular chef' and she said 'I don't know' very rudely to me and that's when I noticed she had not sauteed up any onions for my burger. I said "you need to learn some customer service" and then she said some cuss words to me and told me maybe I should go to Burger King. But I like to support local businesses so I looked her straight in the eye and said "the customer is always right" and grabbed her by the dreads and slammed her face onto the skillet. She screamed and then the manager came running at me with a chopping knife so I looked him straight in the eye and said "chop this" and karate chopped his wrist and broke it immediately. I picked the girl up off of the floor and said "you are what you eat" and poured the boiling grease off of the fryer into her mouth. I was glad that I could set an example of what a good citizen should do in this situation, and everyone in the cafe applauded me. ~mjq jazz bar

Me and my friend went to fill up my corvette last night and there were these two punks there sitting on the sidewalk of the gas station with their radio blasting. I was trying to think as I pumped gas but their radio made that hard to do. I was not pleased. So I went in and payed for the gas and then I went up to the two punks outside. I said excuse me but I think you need to turn your radio down. They told me to chill, they were just hanging out and having a few smokes. I then looked them in the eye and said " I'm afraid this is the no smoking section boys" and then I kicked their radio up against the side of the gas station. Then one of them stood up and took a swing at me, I ducked it and then gave him a round kick to the stomach. Then the other one took what was left of the radio and threw it at me, I blocked it with my left hand which caused it to go sailing back and knock him out. Then a middle aged man which looked to be in his 50's came up and asked what was going on. I wasn't sure if he was with me or against me so I assumed he was against me, I then gave him a swift front kick to the groin and hip tossed him on top of the other guys there. I then walked back to my car where my friend just stood there in awe, I asked him why he didn't help me and he said it looked like I had things under control. I slapped him and pushed him to the ground and told him to walk home. I then got in my corvette turned up the radio to full blast and much to my suprise welcome to the jungle was playing. I then sped off with that song playing full blast. I felt pretty good about standing up for my rights and I looked good doing it. ~mjq jazz bar

It was a nice day today so I went for a walk out side. As I was walking, I heard somebody crying out in pain so I went to investigate, when I turned the corner I saw a kid that had fallen off his bike and he was grabbing his leg and crying. There was this guy already there and he told me that he was a doctor and he thought this kid had a broken leg. I could tell this guy was lying because he didn't have any white coat, I don't like liars so I pushed him out of the way. My training in medical school showed me that I had to get the kid's leg straight again, so I started pounding his knee to get the bone straight again. Thats when the guy that claimed to be a "doctor" called me a moron and pushed me out of the way. Well that did it. I got up, took my shades off, looked him straight in the eye and said " open wide doc" and then I gave him a swift kick to the mouth. I then grabbed him and said "time to make a house call " and then I threw him through a window of a near by house. The kid stopped crying then, I guess my pounding earlier worked. I told the kid not to thank me but I did need 20 dollars for my time. He only had 14 so I took his bike as well. I feel pretty good about fixing the kid's leg. ~mjw jazz bar

So I was sitting in the back corner of eat ‘n park a restaurant in the northeastern region and I hear this group of punk kids terrorizing their waitress, and I stumble over there and ask the beautiful lady what the problem seems to be. The kids being the adept punks they are give her a glare that tells her not to talk or else therell be problems but I know better than this and I tell them that if they don’t apologize to this beautiful belle theyre going to have to answer to me. I pull my shades out of my back pocket, slip a comb through my wet hair, and tell them they have 10 seconds to apologize. The leader of the gang a chubby kid tells me to get loss and then throws the peg game on his table at my face. “I pegged you as the wise sort, and I don’t play games!” says I, and I grab a tonfa from the cop sitting at the table next to them and tell them today’s special, punks served sunny side up, with a side of hollandaise. I crack the tonfa over two punk heads, do a roundkick, and then hiptoss the runt of the crew into the pie fridge. “Creamed or Key Limed? ” I ask the cop as he slips me a fiver and gives me a back high five. He tells me Ive done a good job as a citizen, and I kiss the beautiful waitress on the cheek, run my comb through my hair once more and leave the restaurant on my harley. ~mjq jazz bar

I was in town with one of my girlfriends today, and I decided to play one of those scratch off games again, I was very suprised when I won 1 million dollars on the spot, this was like the second time I won the lottery. I was about to claim my prize but then I thought to myself I'm already rich why not have some fun with this one? I told my girlfriend I was tired of her already so I left her at the gas station and went to find me some poor suckers. What better place than wal mart? I went up and down the asles until I found a bad dressed man and wife along with their kid. I went up to the guy and showed the guy the ticket, and told him since I didnt need the money I was going to give it to him and his family, when he started to tear up I tore up the ticket and threw the pieces on the ground. I then started to walk away but this spinless punk then took a swing at me when my back was turned. That did it. I turned around, took off my shades, looked him straight in the eye and said "feeling lucky". I then gave him a swift kick in the ribs and threw him into the pet section, I then caught a wal mart guy coming at me so I took a knife out of my jacket and threw it toward a chain holding up a sign, I then looked at the guy and said "watch out for falling prices" and then the sign fell on him and knocked him out. I left the store but not before I complained to the manager about the kind of people they let in there. ~mjq jazz bar

So, I bought a couple of dvds off some web site a few weeks ago and I was pretty upset they haven't come in the mail already. So today I stuck around the house until the mailman came, he brought me a package but it wasn't the dvds I was waiting for. I asked him what the problem was and he told me that he had no control over when the company sends me the dvds. He said I should try to contact them. That did it. I couldn't belive this guy, I pay my taxes and this guy thinks he has the right to sass me in front of my euro mansion, in my freaking driveway? I lifted up my shades, took the cigar out of my mouth, looked him straight in the eye and said " I'm afraid this package is marked return to sender", and then I threw the package in the air and sidekicked the package right into the guys face causing teeth to go everywhere. I then saw one of my ederly neighbors walking toward me so I assumed he wanted trouble as well so I gave him a swift round kick to the ribs, I then looked at him and said "time to take out the garbage" and hip tossed him into the garbage can. I then picked up the crying mailman and threw him into the garbage can, after I had my "garbage collected", I picked up the garbage can and said "let the good times roll" and threw the garbage can down the hill. I didn't see those two guys again but I don't really care, I took the mailbag and threw it in my fireplace since it was a little chilly here today. ~mjq jazz bar

Hogge Wild posted:

some quote from 2010 that i had in a text file:

Kenny Logins posted:

I make sure to put the mjqs jazz bar on the first or second page of every new iteration of the quotes thread. I did for this one (on page 2) but obviously I appreciate you reposting them here and now.

~mjq jazz bar

Mojo Threepwood posted:

The Trump Truck looks like something you could spawn with a cheat code in Age of Empires I.

nutranurse posted:

cops would taze jeb not shoot him

Tesseraction posted:

highest energy he'd be all election

RaceBannon posted:

This teen I saw at Target was wearing super tight pants, short little pointed toe boots, a vest and a shapeless knit hat the other day. He was kicking doors and cursing loudly (trying to act like a badass?) but I kept thinking drat that kid is dressed like an elf.

VelociBacon posted:

5600 by Trevor Zuliani, on Flickr

Soopafly posted:

rohan posted:

Please don't crush that nice-looking desk

VelociBacon posted:

Glad you were there to save the day!

Teenage Fansub posted:

Huminuh huminuh
http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/2016/02/mezcos-shazam-action-figure-is-an-absolute-marvel/

Louisgod posted:

same

freeedr posted:

Like ripping a door handle off of a room filled with cottage cheese and pee

Data Graham posted:

burexas.irom posted:

Well, I just couldn't pass up such a great wallpaper opportunity.

ThNextGreenLantern posted:

Magnus Praeda posted:

Tetracube posted:

skit herre posted:

Barbed Tongues posted:

loquacius posted:

I really like how if someone posts an image and I don't know what it's supposed to be, my knee-jerk impulse is to assume it's a Loss reference and it is right every time

loquacius posted:

I really like how if someone posts an image and I don't know what it's supposed to be, my knee-jerk impulse is to assume it's a Loss reference and it is right every time